Christopher and Elena
Dear Christopher: You're having TWO babies, not one. And that isn't a crib, so much as a rocking bassinet. And it's super old, which means it might not be that safe, especially since you found it in the cellar or wherever. And: WHERE WILL THE OTHER BABY GO. I mean.
John Ross
"I can't believe she left me for a guy who can't count."
JR
"The Force will be with you, John Ross. Always."
Sue EllAnn
She could use a little Force right about now. Poor Sue EllAnn is in a grief coma because her daughter is alive and yet still dead to her. She is NEVER going to rediscover her boots in this state.
Bobby
Bobby is, of course, furious that her heart has been broken and her shoe closet has been abandoned. He screams at the police to investigate what really happened, because thankfully, at least one person thinks this is all too neat and tidy and convenient.
Sue Ellen
Meanwhile, with the media clamoring for a statement, a disgraced Sue Ellen -- needless to say, not the governor -- is considering a torrid fling with an old friend.
HAGMAN
And then JR, of all people, pops by with John Ross to give her some encouragement. He rather awesomely says -- this is not exact -- that he'll never admit to having said it, but that if she was strong enough to beat the bottle then she's strong enough to beat this shame. There's nothing like a pep talk from someone who then swears to disavow the words if they're ever repeated. And this is why JR Ewing is the best. But it works; when they leave, Sue Ellen goes back to where she hid the glass and the bottle and empties them both into the sink. I am glad, and yet sad, because Drunk Sue Ellen was so fabulous on the original Dallas. JR said things like, "I think I'll just fold up Sue Ellen and we'll steal away into the night." Good times.
Pamela
Pamela puts on her Clothes of Contrition and pouts her way through the annulment hearing, at which Rebecca Sutter goes on the stand and says exactly the opposite of what she told Christopher she'd say: She says Pamela was very sorry and put a stop to the con, etc. So the judge rules against the fraud charges, nixes the annulment, and demands divorce court. Christopher is enraged. Kris Humphries is sympathetic.
Peekaboo
And then John Ross pops up in Pamela's limo, in a shot that actually made me laugh out loud. He re-states all the blah-de-blah about not caring what Cliff Barnes' plan is, because he and Pamela need to join forces to ruin their ex-lovers. She keeps trying to insist they do it on her terms, and he railroads her. This show is great at strong females, but Pamela is not one of them, apparently.
Pamela
When she's not in court, Pamela -- yes, named after THAT Pamela Barnes Ewing -- shows up at all the Barnes Global meetings and starts trying to take over, announcing that they're getting into methane/clean energy, and contravening Hot Driver Frank's every statement. I guess he is not just a driver. Or at least he's an INCREDIBLY overqualified one. Frank makes it clear that he doesn't appreciate this and thinks she's just a bitter, vengeful little girl with a broken heart, and Pamela basically calls him to heel and has no interest in his opinions. Poor Frank. He needs to fall into bed with Sue Ellen.
JR Ewing
JR catches the end of this exchange and promptly delivers the best lines ever, and these won't be exact, but they're close: 1) He tells Pamela, "I like looking my enemy in the eye. But since your father is about two feet shorter than I am, you'll have to do"; 2) "I'm one for one at flushing out Pamelas from the family. I'm hoping to go two for two"; and then 3) to Frank, on his way out: "How does it feel, being a poodle?" I LOVE YOU JR.
Rebecca
Pamela shows up at Rebecca Sutter's house with a large bag of money. It's extra cash. Rebecca thinks she's going to get help finding her brother -- who we know is dead by Pamela's hand -- but Pamela tells her to get the hell out of town before Christopher throws her in jail for perjury. This sounds like a fairly convincing argument, but I guess this lady actually liked her brother and stuff.
The Sue Ellens
I love that Sue Ellen Mischke and Sue Ellen Ewing are such good friends -- like, Sue Ellen didn't begrudge Sue EllAnn needing that tape to secure her daughter's whereabouts, and she talks openly about almost taking a drink. I just like that neither of them is stupid and/or afraid to be warts-and-all with each other.
HAGMAN
Meanwhile, JR goes to work: First, he threatens the district attorney not to press charges against Sue Ellen for the bribery. The D.A. laughs him off, and so JR gazes into middle distance and imagines how much fun Plan B will be -- the B, of course, standing for blackmail.
JR
And sure enough, Plan B works (turns out the DA was, er, serviced at a golf event's hospitality tent and there is video proof -- man, JR must be so bummed smartphones didn't exist in his blackmailing heyday), and as he seals the deal, JR leaves his hat on. Tom Jones would approve.
HAGMAN
JR goes to Sue Ellen's, and confirms that no charges will be filed. She invites him in for tea. He's tickled. HAGMAN. We can't do this without you, pal.
WTF
And then the worst EVER green screen hijacks a scene where Elena brags up her brainwave -- those old wells she bought somehow allow both John Ross and Christopher to do what they want to do, and save cash to boot -- and everyone agrees to give her five percent, so that they all own 25 percent of the company and are equal partners. My lord, this shot is terrible. They look like the world's lousiest Price Is Right showcase.
John Ross
I MEAN. He can't even open his eyes, much less cock a brow or twitch his soul patch.
HAGMAN
At least JR thinks this is funny. He also thinks it's funny that John Ross has them all convinced he's putting feelings aside in the name of fair play at Ewing Energies. I don't think he knows John Ross is involving Pamela in all this; he just thinks John Ross is helping steal the company back for THEM. I hate when the student plays the master. Here's hoping JR gets in a few more shots before... the worst happens. UGH. I hate this.
Tommy
Christopher gets a package from "Tommy." It's his cell phone, with incriminating voice mails on it. One is from Pamela, basically blowing her angelic cover story that she gave the court, and the other is from Rebecca, demanding her share of the con money. Christopher takes it to her, and tells her she has to go recant her bogus testimony OR ELSE. I hope, like a dope, he gives her a day to think about it so that his enemies can get ahead of him again. That would be so like Christopher.
Bobby
Meanwhile, Bobby figures out that Emma and Rafalka or whatever the hell its name is both come from England. Bobby's reaction to every piece of news is to make a shocked face. The same one, every time, and then he resets and goes again. ENGLAND!!!! Reset. HORSE!!!! Reset. COMPETITIONSS!!!! Reset. WHAAAAT.
JR and Pamela
More close-talking plotting from these two. Pamela AGAIN tries to assert herself, but JR pressures her into giving him 70 percent of whatever Ewing Energies stock she gets in the divorce, and she lets him, because all this business is getting in the way of the nooky.
John Ross and Pamela
See? Also, did anyone ask her in-utero twins how they felt about being savaged by John Ross? They really might've preferred a quiet night in with some Downton Abbey and ginger ale.
Hot Frank
Hot Frank, it turns out, is the one who had Tommy's phone delivered -- presumably, plucked from his corpse before they buried it -- to Christopher. Oh, Hot Frank. Corpse-robbing? Or possibly grave-robbing? I knew I liked you.
ANGELA
And then WHAT. Judith Light shows up, dressed and coiffed EXACTLY like a grown-up Angela Bower...
ANGELAAAAA
... or at least, grown-up Angela Bower, if she started a very prim finishing school for unruly young ladies who need deportment and discipline. But her outfit is not the worst part. She is supposed to be MITCH PILEGGI'S MOTHER. As in, THE GRANDMOTHER OF SUE ELLANN'S BABY. Except she and Mitch are only three years apart, and she and Patrick Duffy are the same age. WHAT ARE THEY SMOKING OVER THERE. If you want Judith Light, give her something realistic to do, or a really awesome Estelle Getty-style mask of granny makeup.
Emma and Harris
Anyway, for reasons that are unclear, Judith Light has photographs strewn around, all ready for Bobby to unwrap and discover, revealing that she and Harris jointly abducted Emma and took her to London to be raised away from "that woman." This confession is so easy that even Jessica Fletcher is like, "Girl, PLEASE."
Emma
And a stone-faced Emma refuses to listen to Bobby's insistence that she was kidnapped by her own father. Honey, your father and grandmother ARE THE SAME AGE. You should take nothing they say at face value.
Angela!
"And I've been drinking her virgin blood for twenty years. DEAL WITH IT."