Dallas cast
Also, what is going on here? Julie Gonzalo looks terrible in that off-the-shoulder thing -- like a clunky Fembot trying to reload and fire again. Jordana Brewster has a raging case of Paris Hilton Pelvis so I can't really tell if the outfit is okay, or if it really does look like she wrapped a beach towel around a negligee. Actual Sue Ellen looks the best, but even she is vaguely mummified by her burnt orange dress, and Sue EllAnn has a spectacular figure (she's a freaking yoga instructor, after all), but her dress is as bunchy as Duffy's shirt. The two dudes are like, "Yeah, whatever, you're not here to see us," and then Hagman's just sitting there like, "Y'all rotate around THIS axis, and don't you forget it."
John Ross and Marta
John Ross's subtleties extend about as far as a thumb. He LOOKS squirrelly, for starters, and then after a meeting where he and Marta continue to pull the wool over JR's eyes, he makes out with her against the side of his car despite the fact that JR's window is RIGHT THERE. Son, you have a lot to learn.
JR
JR is like, "Hellfire, son, maybe the DNA test was wrong and you ARE Cliff Barnes' bastard spawn after all." Where is Cliffy, anyway? He'd enjoy this. As if on cue, JR's eyebrows pick up a 3G signal so he can do some Googling.
Christopher
FINALLY, we see what Jesse Metcalfe brings to the party. Even Julie Gonzalo is like, "HELLO, breakfast." And then she convinces him to skip their honeymoon, telling him she can tell he's upset that Bobby still wants to sell Southfork to fund his Earth-Ruining Alt-Energy Project. Christopher is like, "Well, I AM wearing my big-boy panties..."
Bobby
Poor Bobby. He's just trying to visit the Southfork Love Oak -- onto which is engraved things like JOCK + ELLIE and CHRIS + JORDANA and BOBBY + ANN -- but his stomach tumors are like, "WHATCHA DOIN' BOBBY HUH HUH HUH LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME." However, it's worth noting that there is no BOBBY + PAM, or BOBBY + JENNA, nor BOBBY + APRIL, so it's not really a very historically useful love oak.
Sue EllAnn
"Hi, Bobby. I know about your stomach tumors. And I thought it might help to remind you that I can wear the HELL out of a pair of stretch pants."
Jordana
As she flits around her house in her teeny nightie and robe, Jordana gets a visit from John Ross in which she accuses him of writing the Breakup Email from Christopher. She also appears to own an impressive array of colorful head scarves which we will, I can almost guarantee, never ever see on her head.
John Ross
John Ross's eyebrow is actually upset to hear that Jordana didn't dump Christopher after all, his nostrils are surprised to learn of this e-mail, and his facial hair is affronted to learn that somebody else thought of it first.
Tommy
This is Tommy, brother of Christopher's new wife Rebecca, and presumed Ian Somerhalder megafan. Tommy feeds Sue EllAnn a sob story about how strong Rebecca is and how he wishes he could go get an education and be JUST LIKE HER when he grows up. So Sue EllAnn gives him a job on the ranch, because she can't give out college degrees, but she can teach a class in the Pants Sciences.
Sue Ellen and Jordana
Meanwhile, Sue Ellen -- who is over 70 and looking REALLY kick-ass -- is getting all maternal with Jordana, who presents her with a bunch of blabbity blah about yada yada that means she needs money for oil leases. Sue Ellen decides this girl has moxie, and that she's what Sue Ellen would've been if she hadn't married J.R. and become an alcoholic who slept with Cliff Barnes and did a lot of hissing. So she gives Jordana some money and invites her to the Cattle Barons Ball. Why are oil barons going to a cattle ball? I guess that's like TV stars being invited to the Oscars. Then again, how often does THAT happen? Usually they're stuck watching on TV at the Vanity Fair party.
Bobby
"They told me it was the Cancer Barons Ball," Bobby laments. "Can I go take a shower yet?"
JR
Then JR shows up, notably not catatonic and notably using a walker -- which he whipped out to John Ross's surprise and then whispered, "WATCH AND LEARN." I love you, JR. Whoever came up with that nugget is SO brilliantly attuned to his machinations of yesteryear. The only thing that would be better is if he were pretending to be super hard of hearing, both to annoy people and to eavesdrop when they think he can't understand.
JR
JR gives Bobby a mushy -- and probably insincere, given that his eyebrows are sharpening a knife to plunge into Bobby's back -- thank-you to Bobby for all the visits. He also tells Sue Ellen she'd make a great governor, and pretends not to have seen Marta recently, pulling the old "Well haven't you grown up nice" act. Everyone seems appropriately surprised, yet unrealistically unsuspicious, of JR's good attitude. Don't they see the vines of malice twisting out of his forehead?
Jordana
Also, riddle me this: Why is Marta at this party looking like a red velvet cake with double frosting, and Jordana is wearing black pants and a jeanshirt that's TIED AT THE WAIST? Did she think it was the Cattle Barons Mall?
John Ross
John Ross, who either can't see the symbolism of him running around in a black hat or is trying to stoke it, drools over her some and continues to insist that he didn't write that e-mail. Jordana breaks up with him but says she wants to keep their professional partnership alive, because somebody who you believe may be personally nefarious AND who recently asked you to spy on your ex-fiance/his cousin for fun and backstabbing is TOTALLY a smart choice for your company and NOT AT ALL LIKELY to screw you over and prove to be a chip off the old Ewing.
John Ross and Marta
John Ross copes with his romantic grief by giving Marta a quick dental check-up.
Marta
WHAT HO! SHENANIGANS.
John Ross
I'm guessing the drugs worked. That, or she just accidenttally spoiled him on True Blood.
Hal
WHAT HO! VIDEO SHENANIGANS. "What are you doing, Marta?" Hal wonders to himself as Marta lets John Ross fling her around on the bed and give her big wet doggy kisses. It is a good question. Considering he was clearly willing to have sex with her without the drugs, I don't know what the powder is in aid of, unless she's planning to tie him to a chair while he's stoned and interrogate him and then strategically shave his mustache.
John Ross
Hmm. Well, he DOES have rope around his wrists the morning after... Hal is hanging out up there shivering and moaning, "I will never be clean again, MARTA." She then has this weird exchange with John Ross where she loans him a sack full of money for... something to do with their plan... and hisses something vaguely threatening at him that indicates that if he doesn't deliver, he is up shit creek without a paddle nor a working eyebrow to cock.
Sue EllAnn
"Sigh. I can artfully drape my cowl across my own shoulder, but I can't convince my husband to stop being such a puss and stop talking about selling Southfork."
Bobby
"You're right, Sue EllAnn. I am a puss. Hang on a sec while I go get laparoscopic tumor surgery, and then kitty will start to scratch, okay?"
Christopher
"Hey, Jordana. TOTES not here to ogle you, I swear. Science science science thesis science research I don't want to cause earthquakes anymore and talking to you about your thesis is a way to have a mind orgasm all over your massive brain. I put on this shirt all by myself."
Jordana
"You remember my thesis, AND you're a genius? Please come in and penetrate my cerebellum. I was just hanging out here working on my doctorate about how everyone on TV wears side ponytails, even though in real life they're kind of uncomfortable and make it hard to hear out of one ear. Let's get BRAIN naked."
Tommy and Rebecca
"Hey sis. I know you're busy cooking something from The Joy Of Ewing book that Sue EllAnn gave you out of maternal affection, but I just wanted to say that I saw your husband thrusting through Jordana's front door in full academic heat. Way to go on convincing him to stay here instead of go to Tahiti. OUR PLAN IS WORKING PERFECTLY. I hope you're not getting second thoughts or anything. Also, I wonder whose secret children we will turn out to be. Cliff's? Jenna Wade's? It'd be nice not to be related to any of these yahoos so that we can have sex with several of them."
John Ross
"Hey, private investigator, keep investigating stuff for me, and also, find out who sent Jordana that e-mail. Sorry for the Ferris wheel but Cowboys Stadium wasn't available today."
JR
"Hey, Marta's Father. I've been talking to your daughter, but I don't like to do deals with people unless I've looked them in the eye, and my brows have reached out and grabbed them by the ears and shaken them by the head until they do my bidding. It's just polite."
MARTA II
"Hi there, JR, I am Marta, and I haven't seen you since we were kids, unless you count the times I've mooned over your photos in my beloved vintage set of Oil Executives Trading Cards."
JR
"I am going to strangle my son and Fake Marta with my bare eyebrows. This shit's about to get realer than Sue Ellen's old drinking problem."
And for the record, it's unclear whether John Ross knows that HIS Marta is an impostor, so let's review: She's working with Bobby, double-crossing him with JR, triple-crossing with John Ross, and QUADRUPLE-crossing John Ross AND JR AND Bobby. That's enough crosses to populate a graveyard.