> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Fug the Show: Dallas, episode 3 - URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-dallas-episode-3/ - Published: 2012-06-27T19:00:47.000Z - Updated: 2012-06-29T01:07:48.000Z - Author: Heather - Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:30 ## JR Ewing ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2012/06/img_3140-800x533.jpg) We begin with JR and John Ross at a barber shop, but don't worry, almost no actual man-scaping happened on J.R.'s head -- it was a cursory scrape, at which point his eyebrows reached into his ear and pulled out a crisp $20 to get the gentlemen to leave so that J.R. could tell John Ross a menacing story about Jock selling him a blind horse. The moral of that story, naturally... ## John Ross ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3142-800x533.jpg) ... NEVER go get a shave with J.R. Ewing. In fact, don't partake in any activity that involves your eyes being covered with a towel, because he'll sneak up behind you, stick a razor to your jugular, then whip off the blindfold and let his eyebrows perform a form of torture wherein they tickle your pores like piano keys until you spill all your secrets. ## John Ross ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3144-800x533.jpg) Also, I'm sorry, there is no way J.R. would have allowed his kid out of there without making SOMEBODY scrape off the soul patch. Anyway, J.R. hisses at John Ross that he knows about Marta, and he is onto their plan to cut him out of the Southfork deal. After his rectum provides enough bricks to begin building a new pig farm called Southpork, John Ross gulps, thanks his lucky stars that he still has enough facial hair to appear appropriately squirrelly, and agrees to join forces with J.R. Who, for the record, seems both pleased that the apple fell near to the tree, and that the apple fell, period, because it probably hurt and that apple needed to learn. ## Rebecca and Sue EllAnn ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3148-800x533.jpg) Rebecca is all, "Uh, I made this from a pair of Uggs, is this what people wear when they're learnin' to go shootin'?" And Sue EllAnn is like, "Honey, someday I'll write a book called *Ranch Dressin'* all about how to rock your discount separates and coordinate them to your shotgun. In the meantime, watch and learn." ## Tommy ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3151-800x533.jpg) Rebecca's hot brother sneaks up after Sue EllAnn leaves, and orders her to plug a flash drive into Christopher's computer so he can spy on all of Christopher's magic Kryptonite science. Rebecca seems unsure, because of course she's seen Christopher naked and she figures maybe her bread should be buttered on the side of nooky, so Tommy grabs a pistol and shoots a bunch of the bottles and then twirls it around his finger, puts it into his holster, twirls his mustache, and eats a puppy. ## Tony Almeida ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3152-800x533.jpg) Remember on *24* when Tony Almeida came back to life as a villain? Well, he's still at large, except this time he's the financial strings behind loaning JR and John Ross the money to buy Southfork. This calls for Kiefer Sutherland. I would LOVE to see Jack Bauer swing in on a zip line and face off against J.R. ## JR Ewing ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3154-800x533.jpg) Like a follicular Pinocchio, JR's eyebrows grow another foot every time he engages in shady dealings. ## CHEMICAL INTERLOPER! ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3157-800x533.jpg) Marta sweetly tells JR that this deal had better not tank, and when his eyebrows blow off her concerns with a flap of their wings, she watches them leave with Soap Opera Face and then pulls out a bottle of pills so large it has its own zip code. She shovels them in her face in broad daylight, and thanks her lucky stars that JR Ewing forgot that the first rule of dealing with an adversary is to turn around real fast to make sure they're not Soap Opera Face-ig you while gobbling narcotics. ## John Ross ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3161-800x533.jpg) Meanwhile, John Ross is blackmailing the family lawyer to keep quiet about the true nature of the deal. He also doesn't look like a guy who has EVER had a professional shave, much less been terrified into his hair receding out of his face by a crabby father with revenge on the brain. ## Bobby and Sue EllAnn ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3164-800x533.jpg) Bobby is pretty stoked that his tumors have been zapped, but he also has to take some chemo drug that has a litany of side effects, although he has an amusing little aside about how as long as hair loss isn't one of them then they'll be fine. Everyone except Sue EllAnn finds this funny, because if his heart explodes then a lush head of hair isn't going to do him any favors. Anyhoo, Sue EllAnn is content to console herself with a turtleneck, while Bobby gets a phone call from JR's doctor stating that JR is now rehabilitating BRILLIANTLY thanks to being around family, and that medically it's important for JR to move back into Southfork and be with family. Sue EllAnn briskly moves to get him a room ready even as Bobby pleads with her to help him say no. Oh, Bobby. Just lie down and let the JR-mobile burn rubber over your body. At least they're making you a little funnier than you used to be. ## Old Coot ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3165-800x533.jpg) Also, JR's "doctor" turns out to be an old codger from the nursing home who just did it in exchange for a hot prostitute and a warm meal. Or a warm prostitute and a hot meal. Really, he's fine with whichever. Poor Bobby clearly can't have been paying THAT much attention to JR's medical care if he fell for a ruse perpetrated by a man who looks like John Malkovich's brother who they raised in a closet. ## JR ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3166-800x533.jpg) JR's eyebrows salute the old man, as I salute his commitment to Western-themed ascots. Oh, the duels they could've had with Ioan Gruffudd's pocket squares. ## JR and John Ross ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3177-800x533.jpg) So, JR makes John Ross haul his walker into Southfork, but nobody is there to see it -- so, much like the falling tree, it therefore never happened. But THIS did, and it was AMAZING. ## CLIFF BARNES! ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3182_2-534x267.jpg) I was JUST calling for Cliffie to appear, AND HE DID. He's been spending his time starring in Six Flags commercials, but now that Southfork is for sale, he's back in Dallas and firing up his Texas Tuxedo. Bobby tells him Southfork is now NOT for sale, and then he and JR old-man fight in majestic verbal fashion. Turns out I could watch octogenarians spit venom at each other all day. ## Jordana and Christopher ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3170-800x533.jpg) "Aw, science is POO," Christopher wails, unable to make his methane gas energy thingamy whatsit make sense. ## Jordana ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3173-800x533.jpg) Then Christopher has an epiphany, which requires him to draw a bunch of lines on a piece of paper and then be like, "WHAT UP, MATH, I AM NOT THE DUM NOW!" Jordana embraces him, because she's super turned on by how a dude with such an advanced degree spouts scientific terminology like he's on-stage at a spelling bee with major butterflies. (Actually, in fairness, I think Jesse Metcalfe is good on this show -- he's very natural. But hearing him talk science shop is incredibly jarring, like if Lisa Rinna walked in and started explaining astrophysics. It's just going to take some getting used to.) ## Christopher ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3195-800x533.jpg) Shh. We've switched Christopher's magic energy rock with one of those old deodorant crystals that looks like Kryptonite. Let's see if he notices. ## BOOM ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3191-800x533.jpg) Yep. He noticed. ## Rebecca ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3193-800x533.jpg) "Yay, did you make power natural energy methane chemistry stuff?" Rebecca asks. "No. Science go boom," Christopher pouts. "Also, your skirt is caught in your panties." ## Cliff ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3197-800x533.jpg) I love these pictures that I accidentally take in the middle of an edit. Cliffie looks so DEEP and TROUBLED. Maybe he's upset that he and Sue EllAnn both shop at Turtleneck Barn. Anyway, he's up in his tower, playing poker via camera so he doesn't have to sit in the room next to people (hee!), waiting for his henchman to bring him Christopher and Rebecca. See, he's Christopher's adoptive uncle -- Pam Ewing being his sister. Although, come to think of it, how come he doesn't throw it in JR's face that Bobby is raising the biological son of the woman who shot him (Sue Ellen's nutty sister)? Wouldn't you wave that around like the Jolly Roger every time you set foot on Southfork? Sigh. Cliff Barnes never was as smart as he thought he was. ## Christopher ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3202-800x533.jpg) Anyway, Cliff wants to invest a million in Christopher's fancy deodorant. Christopher is like, "Heh-heh, sucker doesn't know it went boom." But he refuses the offer because He Is His Own Man and he doesn't want family money, although he makes it sound like this is because he can get MORE money from other investors once he spit-shines it, and gives it a really simple and easy-to-remember name, like Kid Rock. Which I hope ends with him selling the actual Kid Rock to Cliff Barnes for a million dollars. ## Sue EllAnn ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3208_2-420x560.jpg) This is the third time now we've seen Sue EllAnn with a shotgun. Here, she whips it out of her horse's saddle to brandish it on an intruder, but of course, it's just JR, sitting in a random room of boxes that are stored in a stable, innocently riffling through family history. ## JR ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3214-800x533.jpg) ... innocent like a FOX. I love you, Hagman. ## JR and John Ross ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3220-800x533.jpg) JR hands John Ross a diary of Miss Ellie's and tells him that they're going to force Bobby to go through with the Southfork sale to Tony Almeida (who Bobby thinks is the real Marta and her father). John Ross cocks an eyebrow, all, "Shouldn't they have deleted this scene so that the drama that ensues is less transparent?" And JR is like, "Can it, son, my eyebrows shed bigger than yours." ## Tommy ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3224-800x533.jpg) "Yo, Rebecca, I'm just waiting for my character development. In the meantime, PUT THAT FLASH DRIVE INTO CHRISTOPHER'S COMPUTER OR ELSE. AND I AM NOT SPEAKING IN SEX CODE." ## JR, Bobby, and Sue EllAnn ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3225-800x533.jpg) I love JR. He's going whole-hog with his charade, cooking breakfast for Bobby and Sue EllAnn, who neither hire a taster, nor have the kitchen checked for cyanide. Suckers. They're all, "He's so NICE now that he's unpacked Mr. Rogers' old wardrobe boxes." ## John Ross ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3227-800x533.jpg) "Listen up, Bobby. If you don't sell Southfork, I'll tell the world -- THE WORLD -- that Miss Ellie once spent some time in a mental asylum after her husband died. What, you don't think I'm serious? Try THESE on for size." ## John Ross ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3228-800x533.jpg) "HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?" ## JR and John Ross ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3231-800x533.jpg) JR obligingly slaps John Ross and acts all horrified at his behavior, including claiming that he'd stolen the journal from JR's room. All this, by the way, might have been more fun if it were a fakeout, instead of us knowing all along that JR and John Ross were in cahoots. Then again, I probably would've assumed they were in cahoots, because I have spent time with JR Ewing and he puts the "hoot" in "cahoot," and these days a bit of the "coot" also. ## Christopher ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3221-800x533.jpg) "One plus two... plus one... is..." ## Jordana ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3235_2-420x540.jpg) Jordana is thrilled to see that Christopher has successfully ignited his science fair project in a controlled setting without burning off his face. What she doesn't know is that he just poured rum on his deodorant and then dropped in a match. ## Bobby and Christopher ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3240_2-400x532.jpg) But his triumph is short-lived, as Bobby signs the papers to sell Southfork and then tells Christopher that he's got cancer. Oh, but he's taken care of it already. Oh, except for the medicine, whose side effects might turn his liver into a Slim Jim. Christopher is understandably perturbed that he wasn't included in any of these decisions, and he's right. Bobby also doesn't tell him about the blackmail because he doesn't want Christopher and John Ross to turn out like him and JR. Has he MET John Ross? Come on, dude. Cut bait. ## Christopher and Jordana ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3246-800x533.jpg) Christopher reacts to all this bad news by checking to see if he left any science in Jordana's molars. ## Tommy ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3247-800x533.jpg) Despite the fact that Southfork's grounds are basically one giant field with a fence, Tommy's photographic mischief goes undetected. Because they have no other employees and nobody ever looks out a window. ## Rebecca ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3251-800x533.jpg) Rebecca is none too pleased to learn that the husband she is having second thoughts about screwing over is actually maybe about to screw HER over. So she looks at the flash drive. Then at her phone. Then at the flash drive. Phone. Laptop. Drive. Laptop. Phone. Drive. I can't believe I'm fug-capping ANOTHER show that centers on the antics of a flash drive. I wish we could've found out if Season 2 of *Ringer* would've involved organic deodorant ice. ## John Ross ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3253_2-420x560.jpg) The best part about this scene, in which JR calls John Ross to tell him their ploy worked, is that once John Ross finishes celebrating, they pan down to the hood of his car, which looks like it's been defecated upon by a passing bird. I can't think of any OTHER reason why they did the pan, but I also can't imagine this was intentional, but I SO want it to be heavy symbolism. ## Dude ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3258-800x533.jpg) The lawyer now wants John Ross to pay him FIVE million dollars for his silence. John Ross wets his pants and wonders if he can hide in JR's eyebrows until the mean man goes away. ## Christopher ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3261-800x533.jpg) "So, Rebecca, I found out Dad has cancer, and Jordana comforted me, and licking her palate clean... um, I mean, eating her face... shoot, I mean, smelling her hair... uh, TALKING talking to her... reminded me of what's important in life, which is, being married to somebody who makes me feel as passionate as if I were in a coma. Let's hold each other and think wistfully of what we could be doing with other people." Rebecca throws the flash drive in the trash, but what we don't know is whether she used it first. ## John Ross ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3272-800x533.jpg) Meanwhile, John Ross's covert-ops budget has deteriorated now that he's being blackmailed -- he's gone from Cowboys Stadium to a Ferris wheel to a random overpass. His PI is trying to find dirt on the lawyer (his son drunk-drove into somebody and killed them?) to counter-blackmail, and is coming up dry -- but he DID find out that the mysterious breakup email to Jordana from "Christopher" was actually from Rebecca. John Ross seems oddly emotional about this, but it's probably just exhaust fumes, unless it runs in the family DNA that math is totes a dum meanpot. ## Bobby and Sue EllAnn ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/06/IMG_3265-800x533.jpg) Man, even her SLEEPWEAR is sensible. Can't we let Brenda Strong sex it up a LITTLE bit when she's in bed with Bobby? I know he just had surgery, but he needs to enjoy his marital bed before his arteries turn themselves into balloon animals. Anyway, Sue EllAnn basically says that she knows JR gave John Ross the journal, and Bobby agrees that the whole thing was totally staged, but that he just accepts that's who JR will always be. I love that the show is not making these people completely stupid -- like, of COURSE neither of them would've bought that display, because they have eyes. And ultimately that's probably why the show didn't try to pull the wool over the viewers' eyes, either. We ALL know JR Ewing too well. [Fug the Show: Dallas, episode 3This week in JR, we got some good, old-fashioned geriatric verbal brawling, courtesy of the return of Cliff Barnes. "Time has not been kind to that face, JR purred. "But I do recall the smell of brimstone and CRAZY." And, later: "I'll be there when they put you in the GROUND, BARNES! Listen close: I'll be the one dancing on the dirt overhead." So, yeah. I still love it.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2012/06/img_3140-800x533.jpg)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-dallas-episode-3-06-2012/)