Jordana and Christopher
So, we begin with Christopher having a really mushy sex dream about Jordana, which I interpret thusly: He's like, "Do that thing where you take the numbers and make a new number," and she's like, "Math?" and he's like, "Doesn't math ruin your face?" and she's like, "That's crystal meth," and he's like, "Is that what I made in my lab tube?" and she's like, "Is your lab tube in this bed with us, because I will check that right now," and then he wakes up and realizes that all of it, including math, is imaginary.
JR
Meanwhile, JR pops by to lay out this week's scheme for John Ross: Their lawyer is blackmailing them for $5 mil or else he'll kill the Southfork sale. JR's PI, who is better than John Ross's OF COURSE OBVIOUSLY, has learned that Evil Lawyer's son (Evil Lawyer, by the way, used to be on Walker, Texas Ranger, so he's obviously REALLY REALLY EVIL) is an ex-junkie who already has two strikes. They plot to catch him in strike three and then blackmail E.L. John Ross wonders if perhaps his father's eyebrows are making him blind to the moral problems with that plan.
JR and John Ross
As John Ross ponders the villainy afoot, I admire a) his cereal canister, which I have in my house also, and b) the fact that JR's eyebrows are even multidimensional from behind. Seriously, look at it. You can see it from this angle. They're like hair shelves. Next time we see him he's going to have a little carriage clock and a framed picture of an oil rig sitting on it.
John Ross
JR asks John Ross if he wants to use Faux Marta for this. He's like, "Sheeeeeit, paw, bitch crazy." But his roiling eyeballs land on the perfect candidate, and his nostrils dilate approvingly.
Rebecca
"Hey girl, listen up: Unless you come meet me someplace mysterious, I'm going to tell everyone you wrote the Jordana/Christopher breakup email AND that my cousin hasn't let you buy a second sleep nightie. You will be ruined and forced to spend the rest of your days doing <Eli Stone tribute concerts. Bye, y'all."
JR
JR is tickled to learn that Faux Marta, meanwhile, has a checkered past of arrests and identity theft and bipolar disorder and yada yada yada basically she's a mess, so she's ripe for the fooling. He plots to get Jordana and John Ross close enough again to make Marta insanely jealous. His PI gazes at him fondly and goes, "Oh, JR, I'd hate to be on the receiving end of that smile," in a way that suggests he would in fact LOVE to receive that smile in the privacy of his bedchambers, along with a host of other delights.
Christopher
"Dag gummit, I got all dressed up as a mechanic before I remembered that 'cattle drive' is a figure of speech. Man, ever since I found out that 'ranch' isn't just a salad dressing, it's been so hard to keep everything in my brain."
Jordana and Christopher
Apparently selling to the conservancy means Bobby has to clear out, so they're having one last Southfork barbecue -- Sue EllAnn keeps squawkin about how many guests they're going to have -- while Jordana and Christopher do some inappropriate touchin and tinglin while she tells him all about the offers that are comin in for his Dark Crystal. You know -- there's just enough skin contact, then jumpin, then stammerin, to catch Bobby's attention. Also, JUST in the last five minutes, my g key has started stickin and I decided to leave it because it's Dallas, baby.
JR
"Hello, Sue Ellen. I may be older but my hat stayed the same size. And you know what THAT means."
Sue Ellen
"I'm strangely aroused, and also nauseated. Which is bad timing, as Cliff Barnes is here to take me to lunch and give me advice on my gubernatorial campaign."
Cliff and JR
"Jerry." "NEWMAN."
John Ross and Rebecca
Times are tough for John Ross. We've gone from Cowboys Stadium to a Ferris wheel to an overpass to now being UNDER the freeway. Next episode he'll be conducting meetings from a sewer. Here, he is saying, "These are some photos of my lawyer's kid. Get evidence that he's back on the yam-yam or else I will bust you to Christopher. And in case that threat does not convince you to do my bidding, allow me to glamour you."
John Ross
"ZAP."
Bobby and Christopher
"Son, do you want to tell me something about your lovelife?"
"No, Dad. I just really want to fix this fencing emergency."
"Are you sure the fencing emergency isn't just a metaphor?"
"Maybe, but it's not a very interesting one, is it?"
"Well, shoot, there's a pregnant cow having trouble in the barn. Maybe if we go deal with that, we'll find a better metaphor there."
"WE HAVE A BARN?!?"
John Ross and Jordana
Meanwhile, these two kids have decided to work together, so they convince a neighbor to let them drill on her blah blah blah blah this ends with John Ross spraying her with a hose and they almost kiss. Which is convenient, because JR's PI is there to photograph the whole thing and then call JR and nefariously let him know that HE'S GOT 'EM. To recap: These two are on another virtually abandoned ranch field, cavorting with a hose, and don't notice that a) there is an idling car nearby, and b) that someone is in it, watching them, and c) seriously do these people need their peripheral vision and hearing tested?
Sue Ellen
After a convo with John Ross in which he claims JR is truly trying to make amends, Sue Ellen fondly touches the pearl necklace JR had brought her as a good luck gift. Years of alcoholism has bleached from her brain the sexual double meaning here. Honey, JR Ewing hasn't given a lady ANY kind of pearl necklace that didn't come with a motive.
Bobby
I cannot believe we are sitting here watching Bobby and Christopher hang out with a sick pregnant cow while they talk about his relationship. Bobby clutches his figurative, non-JR-related pearls when Christopher tells him that he can't stop thinking about Jordana now that he knows she didn't jilt him. Way to be judgy-faced, Bobby. Although, and I love him for it, that's his default facial reaction to any news. If you said, "Bobby, I can't find my socks," he'd look at you exactly this way. Bobby then takes a page from Tyra Banks' Big Book Of Dodging Having To Give Sad People Actual Advice, and tells Christopher, "Well, I'm sure you'll do the right thing." This is only slightly more helpful than the time Tyra told a homeless contestant on ANTM to "stay strong."
Rebecca
Rebecca, meanwhile, looks at the perfectly framed photo from her wedding, which is already in place despite the fact that they got married like a week ago, and decides that wuv, twoo wuv, is worth ruining some rando dude's life.
Jason London
That extra in the front is like, "TEEHEE. IT'S A LONDON TWIN." And yes. It's Jason London. To review: JASON London -- tough-loving brother of troubled substance-addict and Dr. Drew rehab alum Jeremy, who recently claimed that he was kidnapped and forced to do drugs -- is playing a role in which someone wants to kidnap him and force him to do drugs. That is Some Casting right there. First the Jubilee, then the Olympics, and now this? EVERYTHING'S COMING UP LONDON.
Let me skip through this for you: He turns out to be delightful and sober and incorruptible, so he inspires Rebecca to tell John Ross to shove his blackmail up his dank nostril pits.
Tommy
Also, her crazy brother figured out she didn't tamper with Christopher's computer, so he waves a flash drive in her face and explains for us that their masterplan is to steal Christopher's patent for the magic deodorizing energy meth. Seriously, there probably ARE a lot of people who want that. I am counting down until we find out that these people are a) in cahoots with Cliff Barnes, or b) in cahoots with a bitter Pam. I know Victoria Principal is MIA in all this, but: They talk about her a lot; Bobby seems really happy with Sue EllAnn; and she's SO absent from all the press that it almost feels like they're keeping her away to make it more of a surprise when she pops up in the finale as a twisted life-ruiner. But we'll see.
John Ross and Marta
John Ross comes back from his watery frolic with Jordana to find Marta in his home, whacked out on pills, wearing minimalist lingerie and slurring that he's LATE and she was WAITING and she's ANGRY but she's HORNY and she wants him to POKE THE CRAZY on a number of meaningful levels. He's like, "Sweet, let's bang," but she has a saucier plan in mind.
John Ross and Marta
Yes, they use him being tardy as a way to work in a watch sponsorship from Piaget. She's like, "You need a timepiece that WORKS, mister, or else you won't be on time for your booty calls. DO YOU HEAR ME, MEN OF THE WORLD?" And he's like, "This here watch makes me feel virulent and powerful and pulsing with testosterone." The only thing that stops them from doing it right there and then on the Piaget logo -- the way YOU will if YOU buy a Piaget, gentlemen -- is that Rebecca calls and tells him to get stuffed. So he asks Marta to corrupt Jason London instead. She's like, "Sure, as long as you come have sex with me after," and he's like, "FINE, I GUESS." Piaget: Watches for men who make women beg.
BObby
Speaking of people who will need new watches, Bobby has his arm thrust up a cow's backside right now, so if you hear a ticking noise from her uterus then it might be time to take him shopping.
Jordana
Blissfully unaware that her ex-lover and his father are turning a cow inside-out, Jordana tells JR that she and John Ross are working together again, and he suggests that she invite John Ross to the Southfork barbecue so that he can say farewell to his family home. This scene mostly serves to remind us that a) Jordana's mother is the Ewing cook/housekeeper, b) she is a bad judge of people, and c) she really likes red bottles.
Christopher and Bobby
Okay, the last time we saw these two, Bobby was all, "SON, I can't get the CALF OUT. The UTERUS IS RIPPED. GET THE VET," while the music went all Death Cow for Cutie on us. And now Bobby's all, "Look at that calf with its new mama. So sad we had to put down the other one." Clearly someone in the edit bay was also in disbelief that we had to sit through veterinary drama just to get to the tortured moral of the story: The family you make can be as loving as the family you were born with, and thus, Bobby loves his smrt-dum adopted son, and his smrt-dum adoptive son loves him too. THE END. GOD. No more.
Jordana
Jordana gets all gussied up for the Southfork party, but Christopher comes by with a check for her for her contributions to the Dry Idea Energy Project. He says frostily that he wants to be clear that he doesn't owe her for her work anymore, and spits that the way she fled to John Ross and then drilled on Southfork behind everyone's back suggests that she's too influenced by ambition and money and the desire to be more than just The Help's Daughter. No, he says that.
Jordana and Christopher
Jordana is like, "That is way harsh, Tai. Thank God I'm not also a virgin who can't drive." And Christopher is all weepy, as if said all those things to help her hate and resent him, so she won't love him anymore, because seeing his father shoulder-deep in a cow's anus taught him that we should only ever move forward, and the only thing looking back is good for is remembering the time you had placenta on your arm.
The space-time continuum
Then, John Ross slips into a wormhole. When his phone lights up with a text from Jordana, it's 9:06. We see him walk out and pick up the phone, but when he looks at it, suddenly it's 12:07. He just lost 181 minutes of his life. I'm sure this is directly fixable by wearing an expensive watch.
Sigh
So thrown is he by hurdling the space-time continuum that John Ross is rendered unable to spell. He shoud go back to bed.
Rebecca
Rebecca is like, "I can't believe I got manipulated by some a-hole who doesn't understand the silent L."
Marta
Marta is like, "I shoud take my lithium with champagne, because John Ross stood me up AGAIN," because of course she doesn't know about his wormhole problem.
JR
JR, however, shows up and suggests that it is not a wormhole problem so much as a ladyhole one: John Ross is still in love with Jordana, and he has the photos that prove he was frolicking with her when he claimed he was drinking with friends. Marta is so upset that, when JR thoughtfully suggests they replay this dishonor by cutting out his dastardly womanizing spawn from their deal, she agrees. It is a real credit to Hagman's genius that when he started saying to sad Marta that John Ross is a fool but that with JR she'd know what she was getting, I thought he was propositioning her for a business-and-pleasure affair, and I didn't even think twice about how ooky that might be.
Ray Krebbs and Lucy Ewing
"And so THEN I called Priscilla and was like, 'Did they invite Jenna Wade back yet? No? OH WHAT A SHAME.' HAHAHAHA."
Bobby and Sue EllAnn
Bobby looks great in his jacket. Patrick Duffy is aging very well. As is Brenda Strong, but man, she deserves better than a giant brown tarp as a wrap.
Southfork
ALSO, can we talk about how Bobby gets on the microphone to address all the people who are at this party, who Sue EllAnn was saying seem to be "everyone who's ever so much as set foot near Southfork," but which actually appear to number approximately twelve?
Rebecca
One such person is John Ross, whose presence freaks out Rebecca enough that she pulls aside Christopher. Well, first, he drags her off to show her the Calf of Adoptive and Redemptive Metaphor, so that she'll understand how an animal anus was more effective in leading him back to her than licking Jordana's face was last week. And THEN she starts to tell him something about the e-mail, but we cut to black before she gets to the meat... which is how you know she's got something up her sleeve. Or, she shoud, anyway.
JR
I'm doing this out of order, but how can I NOT end on JR? He shows the lawyer the photos Marta got of Jason London debauching himself, successfully blackmails the man into agreeing to file NEW papers that cut John Ross out of Southfork entirely, AND walks away without actually promising to keep his end of the deal to protect Jason London. His eyebrows are actually EXTRA arousd by all this scheming. Look at that sucker. That's a total machination boner.