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# Fug the Show: Dallas, episode 5
- URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-dallas-episode-5/
- Published: 2012-07-12T17:00:52.000Z
- Updated: 2012-07-12T04:43:53.000Z
- Author: Heather
- Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:31

## Christopher

![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2012/07/img_3876_2-418x800.jpg)

The title for this episode should have been "Jesse Metcalfe Smells The Fart," because he seems to be employing Joey Tribbiani's most tried and true and cherished acting technique. I thought he was fine in the first several episodes -- very easy, natural, cute -- but he is TERRIBLE in this one. TERRIBLE. Although he sort of saves it at the end, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. Maybe he was just sick this week.

We pick up where we left off, with Rebecca seemingly about to confess about the e-mail. I really thought she was going to swerve and then insist that John Ross was fabricating his 'evidence' as a way of displacing blame for Jordana's benefit, but instead, she actually tells Christopher the truth: that her brother sent it and John Ross is blackmailing her. That was fast. Christopher is consumed with the potent odor of deceit -- he TRUSTED HER and showed her his SPIRIT CALF and everything! -- and so he throws her aside and sprints out of the barn, all the while contorting his face as if the Ewing barn is built on a sewer.

## Tommy

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3890-800x533.jpg)

Christopher punches Tommy in the face, and Tommy offers nothing but this eloquent explanation for messing with their lives and trying to ride their financial coattails and whatnot: "I just did." Oh! Okay. Got it! Thanks, T-Bone.

## Jordana and John Ross

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3897-800x533.jpg)

Jordana doesn't know what to make of it, so instead she just stands inappropriately close to John Ross and tries to find her light. John Ross gives them all the eyebrow of, "Huh, I really thought that would be more arousing." Then the two of them hug, because now that she knows he's not guilty, she can go back to pretending she's attracted to him.

## Bobby and Sue EllAnn

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3905-800x533.jpg)

Christopher kicks out Rebecca, and of course Bobby is very worried about him. Sue EllAnn is all, "YOU'RE worried? I tore off half the hem of my tunic."

## JR

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3908-800x533.jpg)

Then they march outside and run into a man delivering them the completed sale papers, which reveal JR as the new owner of Southfork. And JR is reveling in watching Bobby choke on his husky fury. He claims that he smelled a rat about Marta, and stepped in on the deal to avoid the being scammed by an opportunist. His eyebrows, however, are the facial hair equivalent of running up the Jolly Roger and announcing that it's pillagin' time. He then announces that they're going to start drilling IMMEDIATELY (which they do). Sue EllAnn is like, "I never imagined you'd do something like this," and awes; the trucks arrive like a minute later). Awesomely, JR responds, "Well Annie, you'd better work on your imagination." I love him. You can tell when people have fun writing for a character.

## Rebecca

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3910-800x533.jpg)

Rebecca is sad. She's wearing Laundry Day couture and moping around the house with a pouty lip. Tommy barges in and is irritated that she boned their scheme; she claims she had to act fast, and that if Christopher heard it from her it might somehow make her still seem trustworthy. Tommy sees through this, though, and threatens her a little, then brandishes a bunch of file boxes that he stole from the Ewings. He wants her to go through them and find something they can use. For what? I thought the plan was to steal Christopher's Axe Deodorant Body Rock. Also, why can't Tommy do it? He doesn't have a job anymore. Get your own paper cuts, fool.

## Jordana

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3915-800x533.jpg)

Jordana finds out that JR scammed Southfork back into his possession, and instead of calling him to yell at him, decides to confront him so she can bug out her eyes as much as possible. "Now you know how it feels to be stared at by someone who doesn't look like they have working eyelids," she sneers.

## John Ross

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3916-800x533.jpg)

"You have shamed me," John Ross says. "Also, I didn't know my daddy was going to screw me out of the deal -- uh, I mean, screw BOBBY out of the deal. Yes, that's right. Well, now I REALLY can't shower. I was TOTALLY GOING TO, I PROMISE, but obviously I need to deal with my sense of betrayal instead. Also, [every time I shower, it skips ahead three hours](https://gofugyourself.com/fug-the-show-dallas-episode-4-07-2012/img%5F3450%5F2-420x560?ref=go-fug-yourself.ghost.io), and I don't want to miss *The View*."

## Bobby

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3921-800x533.jpg)

Bobby and Christopher find out that the deal is legally sound -- even though Marta was a fraud, JR's money was real, and therefore they can't undo it. Bobby gets really righteous with Christopher about not using dirty tactics to win back the ranch. "I've beaten JR before, and I'll beat him again," he says. "He may have Southfork, but bitch can't defeat a magic death-cheating shower."

## Christopher

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3924-800x533.jpg)

And Christopher is not happy. He wants to CHEAT. To get this across, he imagines smelling the death shower mildew, and how good it would feel to duel it at dawn with a Lysol gun.

## Marta

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3928-800x533.jpg)

Crazy Marta has taken a page from Rebecca's shame spiral, and instead of huffing around in bad-ass business attire and planning somebody's death by stiletto, she's dressed as a bad *Flashdance* audition. Because John Ross is so SPECIAL, see. She's broken-hearted that he was panting over Jordana because her unborn children were clamoring to inherit his patchy facial hair.

## John Ross

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3930-800x533.jpg)

"Why am I here again?" John Ross wonders. "Wait, yes -- to establish that I think she's a nutbar and that I double-crossed her and that she's hungry for my Ewaaaang OH YES THAT'S RIGHT I SAID IT. Now please excuse me. I need some eye drops. Bugging them all day can really dry them out."

## Marta and John Ross

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3932-800x533.jpg)

So we then get treated to Marta watching her sex tape with John Ross. Apparently he likes it rough. I know this because they bark this at each other repeatedly while Marta weeps for what might have been, despite the fact that she and he have the chemistry of a fossil.

## Jerry Jones

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3939-800x533.jpg)

Speaking of fossils.

## JR

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3938-800x533.jpg)

JR is like, "Hey Jerry, this is the part where I say vague things about the quality of your team that may or may not be true." And they are not. JR suggests that he hopes the second half of the season is as good as the first, but the Cowboys had a miserable 2011, ESPECIALLY in the first half. So either Jerry Jones demanded fictional success to try and mitigate their actual failures, or JR knows full well that the 'Boys were ranch hands on the Suck Farm and was being sarcastic because he and Jerry Jones secretly hate each other, and are trying to date all the same cheerleaders and keep losing to each other at their monthly poker games and frequently replace each other's Viagra with placebos.

## John Ross

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3942-800x533.jpg)

John Ross busts out his best Intense Nose to express displeasure that JR screwed him out of his part of Southfork. JR is like, "Girl, please." He tells John Ross that if he were really so ready for this, he wouldn't have made a dumb mistake and let the deal get snatched out from under his nose. Maybe he couldn't SEE the deal, JR. Maybe he was flaring that thing like a parachute and didn't notice what was waiting underneath it.

## JR

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3946-800x533.jpg)

And then Jerry Jones puts them on the Jumbotron, presumably so he could draw all over JR's eyebrows and not tell him. I love that they didn't stick JR in a jersey -- he would NEVER, and I say that as somebody who owns many jerseys -- but I enjoy even more the fact that his eyebrows are glowing like geriatric plutonium. Seriously, I think they are made from Dr. Emmett Brown's hair clippings. You could power a time-traveling shower with those suckers.

## Christopher

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3948-800x533.jpg)

Meanwhile, Christopher sneaks into John Ross's apartment to try and find proof that he or JR knew about the Marta conspiracy. Instead, he finds a DVD of John Ross and Marta's night of passion, which Crazy Marta left him with a note begging him to watch it and reconsider. Let me get this straight: She recorded them having sex just so she could watch it through a haze of wine and pills, and then give it to him as some kind of demented technological valentine? BORING. Although Christopher seems to appreciate the creative cinematography. And the fact that John Ross blatantly calls her "Veronica." Which I assume is her real name, and not just the product of them playing a *Veronica Mars* sex game.

## JR

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3954-800x533.jpg)

And then, the worst part: JR hops in a copter and leaves. He doesn't say why; he just says John Ross is in charge and that he'd better not screw it up. This is TV code for: John Ross is totally going to screw it up, and then JR will ride into town with a pocket full of secrets and sprinkle evil dust all over the land. Anyway, JR presses a button and his eyebrows start spinning and spinning until the hairy facial rotors lift his chopper clean up into the sky.

## Bobby

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3958-800x533.jpg)

Bobby still seems to think his best weapon against conspiracy is a set jaw and a growling countenance.

## John Ross

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3959-800x533.jpg)

John Ross is all, "This would be so much more effective if they'd let me stand on an apple crate." He tells Bobby that he's got JR's power of attorney and demands to be allowed back into Southfork, or else he'll have them all kicked out of there. Wait, why aren't they all kicked out of there already? Wouldn't JR have given them the boot? Maybe he wants Bobby to stay so he is forced to watch the land be desecrated. That's pretty gnarly.

## Rebecca

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3962-800x533-2.jpg)

Rebecca meets Sue EllAnn to talk about how she isn't into the family scheme, but she's afraid of her brother. Sue EllAnn says vague things about how she once had to make tough decisions, too, followed by lots of shifty eyes that imply she has A Past. Rebecca is too busy sticking out her lower lip and hoping Christopher will bump into it to notice.

## Jordana

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3967-800x533.jpg)

John Ross goes to see Jordana to lie to her that he had nothing to do with JR's crazy shenanigans. She takes great pains to do the scene only from this awkward angle and gives him the giant eyeball some more.

## John Ross

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3970-800x533.jpg)

"NO, no, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG," John Ross sighs.

## Christopher

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3980_2-800x654.jpg)

Meanwhile, Christopher is experiencing gastrointestinal distress, which is causing him no shortage of sensory overload.

## Christopher

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3990-800x533.jpg)

Drunkenly, Christopher takes his face-crinkling odors over to Jordana's house, where he apologizes to her pelvis thusly: "I'm sorry. I'M JUST SORRY." Not to be an ass, but these people are dumb. Tell her you said all those things because you wanted to help her move on, and that you didn't mean them. Instead he's like, "OOPS," and then tries to commit the vision of her breasts in plaid to memory.

## Jordana

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3995-800x533.jpg)

"You know, Christopher, John Ross may be squirrelly and he may make questionable grooming decisions, but at least he doesn't make me cry, and he isn't afraid to show me 98 percent of his eyeball at any given moment. Where is YOUR total ocular transparency, Christopher? WHEN WILL YOU GIVE BACK TO ME WHAT I AM GIVING YOU?"

## Christopher

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3994-800x533.jpg)

"Aw. I hate stuff."

So Christopher, who has momentarily brandished the incriminating John Ross DVD, stuffs it back in his pocket and decides he can't make Jordana cry again. Which is a shame, because her peepers could use the lubrication.

## Mitch Pileggi

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_3997-800x533.jpg)

And then! Mitch Pileggi shows up, having traded in the FBI for the oil business. He plays Sue EllAnn's ex-husband -- or in other words, he's in her *Ex-Files*. ZING.

## Sue EllAnn

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_4002_2-500x356.jpg)

Mitch, see, is the owner of the company whose trucks JR is using to do some oil hoozit on Southfork. He also implies that Sue EllAnn has been morally shady in the past, and gloats cryptically about some things before agreeing to the favor she asks: He will stop working with JR. Then he taunts her, flagrantly refusing to be rendered speechless by the sight of her in yet another pair of skintight pants and man-ruining boots.

## Jordana

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_4005-800x533.jpg)

"John Ross. Look. I've opened my eye sockets to you. I have no more to hide here. Peer into my optic nerves and promise me that you didn't have anything to do with double-crossing Bobby, because I really want to have sex and it's so much WORK finding somebody I actually like."

## John Ross and Jordana

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_4007-800x533.jpg)

And so this happens. The problem for me is, I think, that despite the ways in which Josh Henderson works in this role (his believability as a bad guy who is cockier than his competency warrants), he has negative chemistry with all these women, and he lacks sufficient charisma to make it believable that any of them would be in the thrall of his magnificent Ewang. Imagine if Hot Neighbor Wade were in this part. Now THAT would make sense. That would work. That would make a love triangle. As it is, they've almost blown it a little by giving such an important role to someone I am not sure I can ever root for, even in the Sexy Villain I Love To Hate capacity (see: Damon Salvatore). Instead I just spend all my time wondering why people don't just crush the pipsqueak under their boot and then move on.

## Rebecca

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_4009-800x533.jpg)

This girl really needs to leave the house. That shirt makes her boobs look depressed. Then again, they might be. Her brother (I am mildly curious whether he will turn out to be her real husband somehow, since he keeps saying things like, "We are in this for THE LONG HAUL," coupled with eyebrow wiggling) comes in and asks if she's found anything they can use against the Ewings, and she surreptitiously stashes a piece of paper and is all, "LA LA LA LA NO NOTHING TO SEE HERE."

## Christopher

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_4013-800x533.jpg)

Meanwhile, Christopher pops by John Ross's place and plays him the video of his O-face. He's all, "BOOM, sucker, I've smelled farts bigger than you."

## John Ross

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_4014-800x533.jpg)

John Ross really wishes his cousin wouldn't use that kind of language.

## Christopher

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_4018-800x533.jpg)

So, Christopher lays it out for him plain: He has video proof that John Ross knew Marta was a fraud before the deal went down, and if John Ross doesn't help him rat out JR and undo the deal, he'll get arrested for fraud. How do you like them apples, John Ross?

## John Ross

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_4023-800x533.jpg)

"I can't believe I've been bested by a man who blew up Kryptonite in a tube," John Ross pouts. Even his brows look defeated. And so we roll into the next episode with John Ross having to wriggle his way out of yet another lie. At the rate this show is going, we might run out of them in two weeks. People need to start shoveling some fresh B.S., and soon. Sounds like the perfect time for Cliff Barnes.

[Fug the Show: Dallas, episode 5This is last week's episode, not last night's -- sorry for the delay in posting, but I was on vacation and then had a travel drama, and basically, you know you're tired when you're watching Dallas and you can't understand the very basic words coming out of people's mouths. So I had to pace myself. Which is exactly what I suspect Larry Hagman is doing, as halfway through this episode, he announces he's Mysteriously Leaving for an unspecified amount of time and hops on a chopper. Do we think it's budgetary, or to preserve his health and energy, or... well, maybe he came back right away, I don't know. But he'd better bring something scandalous with him when he does return. The absence of JR Ewing is only tolerable if it promises to end in shenanigans. Or some she-Pam-igans, if you catch my drift. Which is not so much a drift as an explosion.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2012/07/img_3876_2-418x800.jpg)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-dallas-episode-5-07-2012/)