John Ross and Jordana
From this photo, you should surmise that John Ross and Jordana are indeed fully back together, and not merely re-enacting the Von Trapp Family Singers' signature moment in "So Long, Farewell," when the absurd little bird pops out to say cuckoo. As he slips into his Nostalgia Pants to get all sad and deep about land and birthrights and whatnot, she gazes surreptitiously at his facial hair and wonders when, exactly, she can plant the flag in the form of a brand new Norelco. Then he tells her that he thinks Christopher will make up any lie he can in order to drive a wedge between them. Jordana pouts and then coughs up this line: "I may not believe in the war, but I believe in the warrior," even though the chemistry between them equals negative-Fancy Methanol Deodorant Project.
John Ross and Bobby
Bobby gives his stoic stinkface when he sees the tankers arriving to drill, and John Ross gets in his face and threatens to stomp his foot and throw a tantrum and kick them out of Southfork and SLAM THE DOOR if they're meanies to him. Bobby effectively tells him the business equivalent of, "If you slam that door, young man, I will take it off its hinges and put it in the garage, and then you'll be sorry."
Tommy
Meanwhile, Tommy pressures Rebecca to dig up information from the pilfered Ewing boxes. He's really sick of running around Dallas posing as a hipster who plays a homemade guitarmonica (half-guitar, half-harmonica) for a coffee-house band he calls, oh, I don't know... Bethany's Toast Rack, or something.
Sue EllAnn
Bobby is upset that Sue EllAnn went to Mitch Pileggi to get him to shut down drilling, because he'd already gotten the workers to agree to a walk-out, and now they owe Mitch a favor. Sue EllAnn is all, WHOOPS, and then when Bobby purrs, "I hope this doesn't bite us in the ASS," she jumps into this face, as if she has never heard him swear harder than a good old-fashioned "my STARS" and is not sure she can kiss the mouth that so casually spit out anal slang.
John Ross
Compounding John Ross's drilling failures today is Christopher's continued blackmail: If he doesn't produce evidence of JR's culpability in the Southfork scam, Christopher will give his sex tape to the police, who will then prosecute him on the grounds of not being very good at it. Christopher can smell victory, and apparently, it reeks of day-old raw chicken. John Ross hopes that staring at him really hard will make him cry, and when it doesn't, decides he's bored of Christopher, dons his Smug Pants, and dares him to go public.
Christopher
"Man. Remember when I used to do the science and things? What WAS that? Crystal methanol? Where is my office, again? Although I can make that in a van, right?"
Bobby
But LO: Rebecca arrives with some papers she snuck out, which suggest that Ancestor Ewing put the mineral rights to Southfork into a separate trust, which means the owner of Southfork has no bearing on who gets to drill there. THIS. CHANGES. EVERYTHING. Also, this show loves documents. Not to spoil it for you, but there are MORE COMING.
Christopher
"Mineral rights? Is that like mineral water? What's that smell?"
Rebecca
That smell is Rebecca's nose bleeding. Jordana catches her nursing a nasal geyser and takes her to the hospital, where Rebecca claims everything is just peachy and apologizes to Jordana for essentially ruining her life by breaking her up with the Ewing son who bathes.
The Ewing Storage Thingamy
Hoarders: Dallas Edition. Luckily, underneath all the relics, which may or may not include the embalmed corpse of a couple lost Ewings who were removed for not legally adding an R to their collective name so that it would anagram to "SWINGER," Bobby and Christopher upturn two drawers and one very small cubby before instantly finding the key to a safe deposit box.
JR Ewing
I LOVE that, after seeing JR leave, we were reunited with him with a shot of him in Las Vegas being manicured and massaged by a bevy of ladies. Presumably he has to get the guilt clipped out of them.
JR Ewing
He explains for our benefit that he's in Vegas to check up on Cliff Barnes and maybe provoke him, or tickle the truth out of him via some particularly ornate and awful brand of eyebrow torture.
John Ross
I love this piece of blocking. I do this all the time with pens and pencils, but yu never see anybody eating writing implements on TV. Maybe JR is doing nostril calisthenics -- you know, inserting a barrier to mouth-breathing leads to bigger, stronger, more flexible nasal passages, etc.
Tony Almeida
Tony Almeida shows up and, taking a page from The Big Book of Kiefer Sutherland, whisper-purrs that if drilling doesn't recommence AND SOON, he is going to murder the hell out of everybody. I might be paraphrasing.
John Ross
"Look at that man. Acting without his eyes being fully open. HOW DOES HE DO IT? WHAT SORCERY IS THIS."
Sue Ellen and John Ross
Sue Ellen gives the BEST "girl, please" face to John Ross when he explains that he's steeped in homicidal maniacs -- it's very, "Son, you need a SOUL to have a soul patch." He asks her to suck up to Mitch Pileggi and get him to change his mind, and she doesn't want to because it might screw with her gubernatorial campaign if she's somehow in cahoots with, or in the pocket of, that dude. John Ross is displeased, what with all the beheadings on the horizon, and so he a) pulls out the WAAAAAAH YOU NEVER DO AAAAAANYTHING FOR MEEEEEEEE card, which is a really large card on account of all the whiny vowels it has to include, and b) puts on his weepy pants.
John Ross
And then, he dons his TANTY PANTS. John Ross rages against the machine by smashing a big oil rig sculpture, because when you are maybe about to be made dead, destroying personal property is always the answer.
John Ross
"What NOW? PEOPLE. I AM RUNNING OUT OF MOOD PANTS."
Crazy Marta
Oh, no worries, it's just Crazy Marta, here to spew more insanity. She got all dressed up to tell him that she understands now that he was only sucking up to Jordana for work reasons -- I am not sure where she got that idea? -- and that now they can be together and make countless erotic DVDs. John Ross is like, "Um, no. I would sooner braid my father's eyebrows."
Christopher
Bobby and Christopher find the blah blah trust document yawn snore safe-deposit box zzzzz. "Heh. Remember when I did math?" Christopher giggles. "Subplot go boom."
Spite Dagger
Meanwhile, John Ross and Jordana head home to her place, and find it unlocked. She's like, "Huh, I don't remember leaving that door open. Oh well!", because apparently she's suddenly a moron. So instead of checking her house for breaches, she sashays to the bathroom to draw them a bath. SIGH. Meanwhile, John Ross glances furtively around the house and finds a rudely pierced photo of himself and Jordana on the kitchen counter. Smelling the Crazy Marta fumes, he excuses himself, tells some ranch hands to guard the house with their rifles, and goes Marta-hunting. Except she's already cleaned out her lair and vanished. Oops. Bunnies on Southfork, watch your backs, because somebody's already warming up the water in the pot.
Later, John Ross asks JR's PI dude to find Marta and FIND HER GOOD.
JR
JR finagles himself an invitation to Cliff's poker game, and then borrows the million-dollar entry fee from the actual Marta's actual father. There's some power trip here between him and Cliff's "driver" about the size of the buy-in, and whatnot, and it all leads to some very sultry commentary to the effect of, "Tell Cliff I'm THINKING OF HIM," and, "HE'LL BE DOING THE SAME," and whatnot. It would be so awesome if this show suddenly veered and decided that JR and Cliff have been in secret love lo these many years.
Sue EllAnn
Meanwhile, Sue EllAnn is just gardening in her tight pants, as you do, when somebody delivers her flowers. She thinks they're from Bobby...
Sue EllAnn
... but it was a note from Mitch, stating that he was so very happy to put a stop to the drilling for them, and including a present with this necklace inside. Sue EllAnn goes nuts at this point, gasping and weeping and collapsing to the ground, as if he has just shot her through the heart and she's to blame. Man, they give love a bad name.
Bobby
When Bobby happens upon her and the letter, he is filled with manly, righteous rage...
Bobby and Mitch
... and STORMS into Mitch's office and BACKHAND SLAPS HIM IN THE MOUTH. Not a punch, and not even a forward slap. He just full-on gives him, if not a knuckle sandwich, at least a knuckle sampler platter. First a casual "ass" and now this? Bobby, what has become of you? And yet I like it. So don't get in the shower today. I'm not ready to rewind time on this.
Rebecca
There's some scene here where Christopher grudgingly thanks Rebecca for helping them find the mineral trust thing, but mostly I'm distracted by whatever hideous sin is happening on her feet. Chevy is going to be like, "Thanks SO MUCH for the product placement -- NOBODY is going to see our car with those shoes on the screen." Are those boots, or open-toed slingback wedges over socks? Is she eighty? Is her name Marge? Is it bingo night?
Sue Ellen
Sue Ellen caves in and offers Mitch Pileggi an important government position in exchange for resuming drilling. He says he couldn't POSSIBLY compromise her integrity, especially because it's so ADMIRABLE that she would go to such lengths for her son -- and then promptly writes her a huge campaign check that comes with thicker strings than the ones currently looped over her shoulders. Oh, Sue Ellen. You are AMAZING looking at 71. Zip-front dresses are unkind even to women fifty years younger. Do not self-mutilate in this manner.
Sue EllAnn
Huh. This isn't going to end well.
John Ross
This probably won't end well, either, but not for sinister reasons. I don't get the impression that John Ross is the kind of kid who made his own science fair projects. Somewhere, a Ewing staffer has three sixth-grade trophies on his shelf from when "John Ross" built a working bronco.
Bobby and Christopher
Christopher and Bobby interrupt John Ross's glue-sniffing expedition to announce that they found the mineral trust and it's owned by Gary, Bobby, and JR. Because they either can't afford, couldn't find, or couldn't tempt Ted Shackelford to return, Gary conveniently signed over his rights to Bobby, so the deal is thwarted. Christopher can barely restrain himself from giving the highly mature and scientific response of "NYAH NYAH" while putting his thumbs in his ears and wiggling his hands.
John Ross and Christopher
I love this shot. You can see the transition from Christopher gloating to John Ross trying to fillet him with ocular daggers while also wondering if he can sh*t enough bricks to build himself a fortress that keeps out murderers and psychotic sex fiends.
Rebecca
"Hey, remember that nosebleed? I'm TOOOOOTALLY pregnant, because on soap operas people sneeze out fresh eggs like they're chickens."
Tommy
"I plan to count this chicken before it hatches. OH YES. MARK MY WORDS."