> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Fug the Show: Dallas, episode 7 - URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-dallas-episode-7-2/ - Published: 2013-03-08T19:00:06.000Z - Updated: 2013-03-07T23:18:38.000Z - Author: Heather - Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:31 ## RIP ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/jr2.xml) You know I was never one for restraint. There are just too many defining JR Ewing quote to choose just one. ## JR Ewing ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3710.xml) Why is JR in his son's phone as "JR Ewing" and not "Dad," or "Satan"? I guess John Ross always refers to him as JR, but still. Even just "JR" would've been enough. It's not like he has a JR Thompson who might call him. ## HAGMAN ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3711.xml) So the show cobbled together some scenes from old/deleted JR clips where they could take his vague dialogue and then write lines for living actors to say to give them context. It's kind of weird, but also quite smart -- the reality TV producer in me thinks it was a clever way to try and deal with a bad circumstance. Here, it's basically just JR calling to check in on their various nefarious schemes, while John Ross exposits for us that he's in Abu Dhabi, trying to apologize to everyone there for *Sex and the City 2.* ## John Ross ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3714.xml) And then John Ross hits us with the one-two punch of That Godawful Greenscreen and his Cocked Brow of Plotty Misbehavior. ## Board Meeting ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3716.xml) Everyone piles into the conference room to whip it out and measure. Bobby has gotten Gary Ewing to partner up with him and reinforce the ban on drilling for oil at Southfork. John Ross says this will bankrupt Ewing Energies unless they sell the methane patent; Pamela ends up being the swing vote, but despite her working knowledge on the size and quality of both men's junk, she says nothing definitive. ## Methaaaaaane ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3719.xml) Christopher has some big race with his Science Car -- it's four cars and a bunch of laps, so he can impress new blackmail-friendly characters/potential bed buddies. If Team Methane wins, Pamela agrees to vote with Christopher, because she is not an UNREASONABLE schemer. ## Gary Ewing ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3721.xml) John Ross makes a great crack about Gary being let out of the cul de sac, and then Gary fires back about how much he's enjoying watching John Ross squirm. Apparently news of John Ross's skullduggery and douchenozzlery has traveled as far as Knots Landing, and Uncle Gary isn't having it. But Uncle Gary is, apparently, broke as a joke. Joan Van Ark left him when he fell off the wagon a year ago and the divorce is expensive. So although he tells Bobby that he'll back him because Bobby is the brother who's always had his back, Gary also says he needs the profits from Southfork drilling to keep up with his expensive lifestyle of divorcing his wife and being extremely mild. ## John Ross ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3722.xml) Something tells me John Ross already knew that, and that something is: CRAZY EYES. ## Alison ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3724.xml) Alison here is played by Annie Wersching, of *24* and (briefly) *General Hospital* fame, among other things. She is parading around a bunch of energy types who will give Ewing Energies a rich contract if his methane car does not turn out to be stupid. So guess who's coming to the big race? THE STAKES. THEY ARE ELEVATED. ## Methane Car ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3730.xml) But, my lands! Methane Car is going all blotto on the corner drift boring racing yada! CAN THEY FIX METHANE CAR IN TIME FOR THE BIG RACE?!? ## John Ross ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3732.xml) Not if THESE eyebrows have anything to say about it. ## Sue Ellen ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3736.xml) Sue Ellen decides to flirt shamelessly with Gary so that he'll vote her way, while also back-talking Bobby, noting that, boy, she sure HOPES Bobby has Gary's best interests at heart while he's so stubbornly trying to prove a point. Very cunning, Sue Ellen. She DID learn all JR's best tricks. ## Ann ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3739.xml) I accidentally missed a scene somehow where Harris and Judith and their creepy demi-incesctuous purring and sneery-faced orders freaked out Emma. She goes running to Ann and blurts out that she once told Harris she wanted to cut her hair and he shamed her into not doing it. Ann smiles and offers to take her out on a ride, because she is a horse therapist, after all, and there is no better therapy than forgetting all your problems because you're paranoid the horse will throw you off. ## Emma ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3746.xml) Oh, but Emma is a fine horsewoman. However, the dressage she was forced to learn is a metaphor for her life -- you control the horse, you tell it what to do, you mold it so that it does your bidding forever -- and then she RIPS OFF HER WIG. By which I mean, her helmet. This show is not THAT good. NO show will ever be that good, although I would accept the presence of Michael Mancini and Kimberly Shaw in an effort to prove me wrong. ## The Twits ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3745.xml) Harris pouty-faces that Emma has run off to her mother's side, and Judith slinks around panting things about his temper and how they have to clamp down on "our daughter." She is the greatest. She makes NO SENSE on this show and she treats the set like an all-you-can-eat buffet, and it's wonderful. ## Christopher ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3748.xml) Christopher and his friend fix Methane Car's continental tectonic shift float axis break, or so they pretend. ## Dark Forces ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3749.xml) BUT WHAT! AN INTERLOPER. John Ross has blackmailed a mechanic on the crew to ruin the car. Note to people: When you're hiring for your top-secret crews, make sure nobody has any massive, hopeless debts, and also, keep an eye on your cousin whom you know has a tendency to ruin your plans through connivery. ## There's oil in them there flats ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3750.xml) So, Wikipedia called Elena's brother "Andres," but she does call him Drew (which makes sense as to why I kept also wanting to type that), so Drew he becomes. Drew won't rest until he has done bigger, better schematics to prove there IS oil where his father died drilling -- on land that they then sold to the Ewings out of grief. So he shells out his hard-earned smuggling cash for some equipment, and Elena gets to put on some jeans again. ## Emma ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3752.xml) "La la la la, happy dreams, happy dreams..." ## GRRRR ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3754.xml) "... AAAAH." It would seem Harris was growling at Emma as she slept. He then tells her she can ask him anything. So he does, and then he gets angry at her and tantrums, "You can ASK me anything but I don't have to ANSWER," and she just sort of stares up at him as if she's afraid to poke the tiger. ## Druuuuugs ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3755.xml) And THEN Harris gives her some speech about how she needs to take her meds again because she needs discipline and routine and control, so Emma slips the pill into her mouth and nods obediently. The Ryland family apparently really enjoys medicating people into mediocrity. ## Oil Wang ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3756.xml) This dented-phallus of a graphic apparently proves that there IS oil in the Ramos land, so Drew wants to buy it back from the Ewings and go into business with Elena. I hope they strike it so rich that they buy Ewing Energies and then burn the methane patents. ## Sue Ellen ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3759.xml) Sue Ellen says that JR, apparently aware she's working Gary, jealously sent her a pile of old love letters. And then one new one that she's not opening, because they need her to open it next week in a tearful scene where she sits on a bed, or something, and weeps for the past and what might have been. ## HAGMAN ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3760.xml) This has GOT to be from last season. He looks much heartier than he ever has during this one. I don't even remember what this vague call was supposed to be about, but whatever. It's JR. Get a load of him while you can. ## Judith ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3764.xml) So, Judith comes into Emma's room so they can fly back to England together... and Emma is gone. She thunders around the house in throaty faux-Southern horror. ## Judith ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3767.xml) And then she lashes out at Harris for being WEAK and starry-eyed by thahhhht wohhhhhhman, and whaaaat was the attrayction, agayn? Rehmaaaaaahnd me. ## Judith ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3771.xml) And Harris is like, "I LOVED HER BECAUSE SHE WASN'T YOU, YOU BIG MEAN OLD MEAN MEANIE WHO IS MEAN." ## WELL AH NEVAH ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3773.xml) And then he HURLS her against the wall -- or kind of gently spins her toward the corner -- and she sinks to the ground weeping. It is SUCH melodrama. Hilarious. ## METHANE YAY ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3781.xml) I will spare you the endless Methane Car drama. Seriously, SO MUCH RACING. Basically, the flux capacitor broke because of Evil Mechanic, but he wasn't smart enough to break the prototype too, so Christopher is able to borrow that part, replace the broken one, and win the race even if he didn't do it by a million laps like he planned (the idea being that Methane Car won't need to pit as often as the others do). So the driver gets a fat check for winning a four-car demonstration race and everyone cheers and hugs and kisses and WHEEEEEs. Which is good, because I actually didn't trust this show to have Christopher win, and had prepared a rant about how you can't ALWAYS do 12 episodes of the bad guys winning EVERY SINGLE TIME only to have good prevail in the season finale. So, well done, folks. ## John Ross ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3784.xml) But Pouty McGee isn't pleased. Pamela is voting with Christopher; John Ross and Sue Ellen say they're calling their bluff about... whatever. I think the Southfork thing. Basically they don't think the company can thrive on methane alone and are going to wait it out, I think, until Bobby gets desperate for money or Gary decides to side with Sue Ellen because of her magic vagina. Whichever is first. ## Bobby and Ann ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3789.xml) When Ann gets home, Emma is there, upset, hoping to stay there. "Welcome home," Ann says. Aw. I love Ann. ## John Ross ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3791.xml) John Ross consoles himself with booze, as he tells JR on the phone that there's still a play with the energy execs, which I assume involves him sleeping with Alison/Annie Wersching. JR tells him, in a cobbled-together string of previously uttered lines (several of which I recognized, including "It'll be my masterpiece," which he just said the other week to Bobby), that he's proud of John Ross. ## JR ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3795.xml) And then JR slowly puts the phone down, away from his ear, and looks like somebody just walked into his room with a gun. WHICH SOMEBODY DID. ## BANG ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/dimg_3796.xml) Yes, that's right, it's WHO SHOT JR, PART II. I deeply hope Sue Ellen's sister did it AGAIN. John Ross hears only gunshots and then starts screaming into the phone, "Dad?!?" which is nice because i don't think he ever calls JR that. Then we cut to black and hear one more echoey, "...Dad?" And we are OUT. I can't decide if it's better that JR is going out in dramatic fashion, getting the end of the karmic stick that always threatened to club him... natural causes seems somewhat boring for a character this exciting, and he would obviously never kill himself (not even as one last act of eternally annoying somebody) unless he were infirmed and headed toward incapacitation, but I do hate the idea of JR Ewing being bested now in perpetuity. Still, I guess there was no better way. Somebody shot JR, and now we get to find out who, and MAKE THEM PAY. [Fug the Show: Dallas, episode 7TNT didn't do anything this cheesy; I just took a screen cap and made it black and white and threw some quotes on it to try and remind myself of how bangin' JR Ewing was. Yes, was. He is an ex-villain. He is no more. He has gone to the Great Beyond. (And my use of Monty Python's sacred parrot sketch should tell you that I do not take this lightly; it's just that my stages of Hag-grief have progressed and now I'm into the little-known third-and-a-half phase, "Snarking Through The Pain.") Lots of patched-together Frankenstein scenes with him happen first, but at the end of the episode, J.R. Ewing is rudely expelled from this mortal coil. And I do not consider it a spoiler to suggest that you only need one guess as to how it happened. This week, we grieve. Next week, we mourn the shit out of it. Get ready.![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/jr2.xml)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-dallas-episode-7-2-03-2013/)