Christopher
So, Christopher gets all cowboy'd up for a gallop through the fields, because he's bored of reinventing deodorant and just wants to feel the chafe of leather on his inner thighs.
Christopher
This is the part of the horror movie where it's revealed that he smashed Elena's head against the tree and her blood seeped into the bark and now she's one with the Love Oak, and soon it will come alive and start murdering people and then hurling their bodies clear across the ranch. Christopher is like, "Man, I still love her, but I might love Serial Killing Love Oak more. Too bad I gave up science."
John Ross
John Ross is frantically trying to get the mineral rights trust thrown out, so Christopher pops up to have a little gloat. At first, John Ross is impassive, unwilling to waste a valuable brow cocking on his pip squeak of a cousin.
Christopher
But then Christopher really throws some elan into it, and starts barking about how he COULD have used the sex DVD to turn Elena against John Ross AND to bust him for fraud, but he DIDN'T, because they beat him fair and square, and cheaters never win -- except for those times when they win -- and winners never cheat, except for those times when whoever won totally cheated. Those dudes who had their Tour de France wins vacated because of doping are like, "Listen, it sucks that I got caught, but I still totally WON and I got the victory parade and the jersey and all the hookers. Is anyone throwing retroactive parties for the new winners? No." Now, I'm not advocating cheating. But maybe in this case, Christopher should've claimed the naked, sweaty victory parade while it was available and then dealt with any blowback later.
John Ross
John Ross is so proud that his cousin is a) having feelings, b) making declarative statements about his moral superiority that can easily be thrown back in his face at a later date, and c) returning the sex DVD for absolutely no good reason. He summons all his muscle power and for one split second, wrestles his mouth into something resembling a hate smile.
Rebecca
"Hi, Jordana! Thanks for taking me to the hospital the other day, even though my family totally ruined your elopement two years ago. Here are things that smell like regret. Bath & Body Works had a three-for-one sale."
Rebecca
Rebecca then throws up in Jordana's bathroom -- and, awesomely, leaves after saying limply, "Sorry I threw up in your bathroom" -- so the pregnancy cat is out of the uterine bag. I had hoped we'd see a shot of Rebecca walking away where her face turned all smug and calculating, so that we'd know she planned this because she knew Jordana would sap up and tell Christopher, but alas no. Then again, everyone should be guessing about the pregnancy since Rebecca cut a hole in her coat to make room for the bump to grow.
Sue EllAnn
Meanwhile, Sue EllAnn is acting like the suspicious stranger you keep your kids away from at the park, because she's sitting on a bench and watching all the little ones frolic, swaddled in potentially kid-concealing layers as she dabs at her moist eyes and wears an expression of psychotic maternal longing. Bobby calls to invite her on a ride -- not a euphemism, or at least, I don't think so; I don't think Bobby Ewing knows that concept -- and she lies that she's at Neiman's and blows him off so she can keep being creepy.
John Ross
At a fancy dinner, in a fancy suit, John Ross tells what's supposed to be a hilarious story about drinking whiskey for the first time -- yet does the whole spiel with food in his mouth, chomping intensely on it as if it is the key to his virility. CHILD. You are John Ross Ewing, not John Ross Chewing.
I was VERY curious as to the identity of the listener, because JR would NEVER chomp on his cud and talk at the same time, and certainly not if a business deal were on the line. Also, the key to HIS virility is doubtless in pill form, and he would never order a salad in front of people, because lettuce is not powerful.
Lucy
Fortunately, it's all good, because his meal partner is just Kooky Lucy. John Ross asks her to go to work on Gary Ewing to get him to sign his mineral trust stake over to JR, and promises her a massive cut of Ewing Oil in return. Lucy looks tempted, because with that kind of money, she can totally pay for John Ross's dining etiquette lessons.
Jordana and Christopher
"Blah blah blah blah fixing my car."
"Let's have sex."
"Call your wife. She has a secret, and I can't tell you what it is. Except, it's that she's pregnant."
"Don't call her that!"
"I said PREGNANT, not REPUGNANT."
"You stopped making sense six silly bulls ago."
"SYLLABLES."
"Man, we just can't communicate anymore."
Bum
Bobby gets hauled into the police station for pimp-slapping Mitch Pileggi. In the process we learn that JR's PI is shady, and he goes by Bum. I'm just sharing because he both LOOKS like a bum and is, in fact, called Bum. Which came first? If you go by Bum are you obligated to look like a hobo -- like, if your names is Jeeves, do you feel impelled to buttle and/or drive? Or is he called Bum because of his styling choices? I have deep questions, Dallas.
Rebecca's loft
When Christopher shows up to whine at Rebecca -- and demand a paternity test -- we get to see an aerial of her crazy loft. I'm not even sure what's going on with this set, but I do appreciate that she has a bargain-basement refrigerator. That feels right.
John Ross
Despite the fact that he has criminals on his back for a bunch of oil he can't deliver and a father who vanished to Vegas, John Ross decides that life is so sweet, and Jordana is SO on the hook, that they should take a vacation (translation: "Let's run away before I get castrated by the mafia"). His earlier practice with Christopher bolsters his confidence such that he is able to curl the right corner of his mouth so that he looks like a hairy, greasier Joey Potter. Jordana is so stunned, she doesn't even know what to say.
Uh-oh
The joy is short-lived, though, because John Ross sees Crazy Marta. He runs after her, but she has disappeared, because it's a proven fact that insane people move faster than regular ones. Christopher could explain the science behind this, if he hadn't washed it all away when he cleaned off the cow placenta.
Tony Almeida
So John Ross goes to Tony Almeida for help. Tony is mad that John Ross still isn't drilling on Southfork and thus isn't forking over the promised oil barrels. So he gives John Ross a long spiel about how in His Country, there is A DANCE, and this DANCE, it has TWO TEMPOS, and OH MY HOW THEY DANCED, because on TV, every villain with an accent tells a story about his country's passions that ends in a murder threat.
John Ross
"Listen, Cat Deeley, that's great and all, but let's settle this instead by you doing me a favor. Crazy Marta is in town and she cheated you out of some money, so go freak her out so that she stops stalking me and I can concentrate on drilling Jordana. Um, I mean, Southfork. And if this doesn't convince you..."
John Ross
"... THEN TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE. SHOWTIME, SYNERGY."
Tony Almeida
"The nostril boy has a point."
Lucy
John Ross also bumps into Lucy coming out of Bobby's office. She has on her Guilt Paisley, so he knows she is siding with Bobby and leaving him to die TO DIE I TELL YOU.
Sue Ellen
Next on John Ross's "Help" tour: Sue Ellen, who suggests that he ask Jordana to fork over some of her non-Southfork oil, to tide over the mobsters until he can get his own project on track. John Ross whimpers that he doesn't want her involved, even though she's currently being stalked by the murderous crackpot he met because of this deal. Sue Ellen thinks this is as ridiculous as her business-casual wardrobe is nondescript. Also, John Ross uses the phrase, "This deal is gonna go tits up," which the Sue Ellen in MY mind would NEVER have let fly without a massive eye roll, a tsk, or flat-out slapping his wrist in protest.
JR Ewing
"Remember me? I'm still in Vegas looking up things about Cliff Barnes' 'driver,' who turns out to be some dude he rescued from Islamabad sometime after the original show was cancelled. This is my only appearance, although full marks to them for giving me a super fancy suit for 30 seconds of screen time. Even my eyebrows are bored with this turn of events. Call me back when I'm playing poker and they're counting the cards for me, okay?"
Christopher
"Oh, Rebecca. I sit before you against a Pepto wall, full of nausea, heartburn, indigestion... wondering if what we had was real and wishing my sperm had landed in Jordana's womb instead. It all smells like heartbreak. Or maybe ammonia. I can't tell."
Rebecca
"Oh, God. Our child is going to have a really hypersensitive sense of smell, isn't it?"
Bobby and Sue EllAnn
Did I say child? I meant CHILDREN, because when Bobby and Sue EllAnn join Christopher for the paternity test results, they all find out that they ARE Christopher's babies, and yes, it's twins. However, I would like to point out that at nine weeks with twins, Rebecca would almost certainly be having a transvaginal ultrasound at this point and not one over the belly, so Bobby and Sue EllAnn would've been able to snap an absolutely wonderful family photo with their iPhones. "And here is your mother getting her crotch wanded, when you were no bigger than a pea," they would say lovingly to the 10-year old twins as they throw up their corned beef hash.
Bobby and Mitch
Mitch said he'll drop the assault charges against Bobby if Bobby apologizes, so Bobby does, because he loves the taste of crow. Mitch responds by handing him a sealed envelope that contains all the dirt on Ann. It is not a very large envelope. I had hoped for something more epic, like... a crate. Or a trunk. Hell, even Miss Ellie had a shed, and she was an angel.
Jordana and Christopher
Because these two need to be tortured more, Christopher makes sure Jordana knows he still loves her, and she mentions that she loves him, too, but she can't come between him and his unborn child. Because OBVIOUSLY it's better to be in a tense, affectionless union borne of obligation, that likely will end in infidelity and divorce, than to bring a child into a stable and loving yet unconventional home. I learned that on Passions so it must be true.
Jordana and Sue Ellen
The ladies lunch in yet MORE dark-toned and plain outfits. Sue Ellen tells Jordana that John Ross needs oil but is too proud to ask, and then kind of fiercely blackmails Jordana into agreeing by gently reminding her that Sue Ellen is her sole investor. Then Sue Ellen pays for lunch with a big flourish and leaves. I love her. She's WRONG -- her son is a moron -- but I love her. But WHAT HO. Who is that lurking in the middle of this shot?
Crazy Marta
It's a wackcake frosted with white-chocolate nuttercream. Her insanity is directly proportionate to how much bra strap she's begun to show.
John Ross
Crazy Marta calls John Ross from Jordana's phone and tells him to come to a random hotel room IMMEDIATELY or else shit will get real. John Ross is so upset that he practically invites the camera into his nasal cavity.
Crazy Marta
It seems there is a loon-er eclipse in Dallas. HAR. Crazy Marta has struggled to evade Tony Almeida's men, although she's so far gone that she hasn't connected that to the impracticality of fleeing in those booties. John Ross notices that she's filming their interaction and, furious, realizes Jordana isn't even there and that Crazy Marta only stole the phone to make it LOOK like a kidnapping. (Which is actually pretty smart of her.)
John Ross
They scrap, and she cat-scratches John Ross before he swipes the phone and leaves. He turns down a random hallway seconds before Almeida's goons arrive via... a different hallway, because yes, every hotel on TV has separate hallways for people who are storming out in a huff vs arriving in a homicidal cloud of mystery.
Crazy Marta
Splat. Fortunately, like a good neighbor, State Farm is probably there. If State Farm were like a REAL neighbor, it would be there whispering about this scandal before baking some condolence brownies and then maybe trying to sneak a peek at some bank statements and maybe the family jewels.
John Ross
"I should've had a V-8."
John Ross
You are John Ross Ewing, and you just exited a hotel, saw the woman you just fought with lying broken and dead on the hood of a car, and made eye contact with two people who can place you there. Do you a) stop and act surprised and horrified and disgusted; b) scream for someone to call an ambulance before excusing yourself to vomit in a bush and then sneaking away quietly, or c) stare at them guiltily for way too long before breaking into a sprint and peeling out of the parking lot? If you said C, then congratulations, but unfortunately you are also super dum.
Sue EllAnn and her bling
Bobby tells an emotional Sue EllAnn that he doesn't care what's in the envelope, because he knows all he needs to know about her. This means Bobby is going to be enraged when he learns the truth -- the world loves nothing more than to make Bobby eat a heaping plate of his own words -- but for the moment he and Sue EllAnn are very happy and weepy, and after Bobby throws the envelope on the fire, they hug. This is just an excuse for the director to fetishize the rock on Sue EllAnn's finger, but that's okay. I don't mind. I love to ogle.
Photo
However, Sue EllAnn might not appreciate seeing this touching photo of her and her child being burnt to a crisp. Any betting minds want to wonder whether Rebecca and/or Tommy will turn out to be HER Secret Offspring?
John Ross
And then, the cops show up to haul John Ross in for questioning. Jordana is so shocked she becomes blurry and indistinct, but John Ross's eyebrow knew this was inevitable and he can't even act appalled, galled, or angry about it. Because he is THE WORST. Seriously, kid, JR Ewing is your father. You have Feigned Indignation in your DNA. ACT LIKE IT. OR, JUST ACT. Thanks.