John Ross
Last time, John Ross got hauled downtown for questioning in Marta's murder. He tells the cops that a surveillance camera in Marta's room will prove his innocence, but of course, the camera was nowhere to be found. So the cops book him for homicide, forcing him to stare at the camera and anti-smize. It's eye-frowning. It's a frize.
Sue Ellen
Sue Ellen snaps that he'd better not be keeping quiet to protect JR, or else she will SERIOUSLY consider taking off that leather jacket and giving it to me. Or at least, I assume that's the subtext.
John Ross
Her son is all, "It's cool, mom, I've got this," and with that extremely reassuring facial expression, who among us could POSSIBLY doubt his competence?
Christopher
Back at Southfork, Christopher walks in on a cop kindly expositing for Bobby that John Ross looks guilty as sin, and Christopher immediately throws out a glowing wide smile. He's practically whistling as he packs up his computer. He might as well run around the room kicking his heels together and shouting, "EVERYTHING'S coming up MEEEEEE!"
Jordana
"I am so disappointed in your inability to love this inherently unlovable, slimy person."
Christopher
"Can it, Jordana. John Ross is a meanie with big meanie friends! This is what he GETS for playing in the older kids' sandbox and then eating at their lunch table and spilling his tray on me and then hanging me by the underpants from a clothes hook in the locker room! I'm done with him! It's CHRISTOPHER TIME, and my panties are unbunched and ready for freedom!"
Bobby and Sue EllAnn
"I did not raise that boy to say the word 'panties.'"
John Ross
John Ross, meanwhile, is furious, because he is not an Autumn and should thus not be forced into wearing orange -- we live in a SOCIETY, y'all -- and what's more, he thinks it's an affront to University of Texas fans everywhere that prison jumpsuits are in their team color. He humbly suggests Oklahoma maroon.
John Ross
Because demands have worked very, very well with this person so far, John Ross summons Tony Almeida and insists that he turn over the exonerating footage. John Ross musters whatever ocular pizzazz he can and insists that he can't get the desired oil for Tony if he's stuck languishing in prison.
Tony Almeida
Tony is like, "You are adorable. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go edit some murder into Marta's footage on iMovie while I snack on Jordana's liver."
Christopher
Meanwhile, Christopher followed a breadcrumb trail back to his lab and is like, "Hey, I remember science! It's that thing where I mix stuff and then it lights on fire." Exxon offers him a huge amount of money to help finish his deodorant energy rock, and Chris smugly turns it down because he's already done all the work and can get billions for it, or something. But he does take the man's business card, just in case he needs something on which to write a grocery list, or practice long division.
Sue EllAnn and Rebecca
Rebecca: I'm so pregnant and sad.
Sue EllAnn: For no good reason except that apparently we're going to find out that you remind me of myself, I feel sympathy for you and think you will be a great mother.
Rebecca: Thank you for believing in me for no good reason, and thanks for bringing Bobby to my ultrasound last week, because I REALLY wanted my father-in-law to watch my stomach get all greased up.
Sue EllAnn: Sure. Anytime. Do you want to shop online for some knitwear?
Rebecca: DO I!?!?!?!?!
Tommy
Tommy skulks back in to say hi, and Rebecca tries to put her foot down with him; absurdly, Sue EllAnn takes over here and tells Tommy he should go start fresh somewhere else -- say, at her friend's ranch in Oklahoma. He unconvincingly says that sounds real nice, ma'am, and he might-could like that real good.
Bobby
Bobby is paid a visit by Tony Almeida, also, who is spending a LOT of gas money this week. Tony tells Bobby that he holds the lien on Southfork and will claim it if he doesn't get his oil. Bobby replies that John Ross misled him and that the mineral rights to the land are separate from the property deed, so nyah-nyah, suck on THAT, bully. Tony Almeida is shocked at how adeptly Bobby can narrow his eyes and growl. Patrick Duffy is still so good at it after all these years.
John Ross
Also good, in the technically skilled sense of the word: Tony Almeida's thugs, who kick the crap out of John Ross in prison. They've heard he's not a Winter, either, so how about some RED in your color scheme, SUCKER. They tell John Ross that this is also a message for Bobby, and that if he doesn't start drilling soon, they'll kill John Ross next time. I hope they specified that it was drilling OIL, or else Bobby might misunderstand and start using his Black and Decker to build an end table, or something, and then John Ross will be dead and people will forget to put coasters under their drinks at the wake and so NOBODY will win.
John Ross
"Man, I REALLY should have been less of a dick to Uncle Bobby."
Sue Ellen
"Sue Ellen, we are so sorry that John Ross's face has been turned to ground beef. Thank God you look really good in your grief."
Christopher
Christopher gazes at his cousin's face and decides to put aside their differences so that he can help. It's vintage Bobby Ewing behavior. It's like he uncorked a giant bottle of Cabernet Sauvinewing and bathed himself in it.
John Ross
"I would like to be happy to see you, but what I really need are the spindly evilbrows of my daddy."
JR
Conveniently, at this moment JR receives a phone call with one bogus line of dialogue about Cliff Barnes' "driver" -- remember, the bald dude he was having investigated because zzzz -- which leads into his PI, Bum, telling him that John Ross got carved up by thugs and is wanted for murder. Because, as the timeworn maxim goes: When you leave an idiot in charge of the store, he drops Mentos in the Diet Coke bottles and makes soda bombs.
JR
SOMEONE sneaks into John Ross's hospital room. WHAT HO, ANONYMOUS COWBOY?
JR
JR: Son, they're paying me whether I have lines or not. So I'll just save my voice for another time and let you sleep. The Hagbrows can say it all for me.
HAGBROWS: Son, maybe we should get your colors redone. You look better in red and purple than I thought.
Sue Ellen
Meanwhile, Sue EllAnn has convinced Sue Ellen, obliquely at least, that doing whatever it takes for your family is the right thing. So Sue Ellen visits the medical examiner and, via a series of aggressively pleasant facial expressions and that leather jacket, offers him a deal: Conclude that Marta's death was a suicide, and get a swank job in her gubernatorial administration, or else she will tell everyone that he write all kinds of illicit prescriptions. The M.E. is like, "Throw in the jacket for Heather and it's a deal." She agrees, I assume, so hooray for me.
Bobby
Bobby goes to talk to Miss Ellie's grave, essentially apologizing for the fact that he's going to have to violate her wishes and drill on Southfork, but that he knows she'd understand because it's For The Good Of The Family. Miss Ellie's grave responds, "That's fine, but why is my headstone so small? Where is the photo? Where is the quote? Even Dan Scott got a photo and a quote. What will look picturesque being licked by flames when Sue Ellen gets drunk on me and then lights me on fire? Dammit, Bobby."
Christopher
But Christopher doesn't WANT Bobby to sully himself. It's CHRISTOPHER TIME, remember? So he decides it's time to offer up something that Tony Almeida might want even more: His body. Maybe. Probably his non-euphemistic moon rock, though. BORING.
Christopher
Christopher silently curses that Tony Almeida's house is all decorated in white, because it makes his Axe Body Rock look way less impressive when he takes it out of the smoking briefcase.
Tony Almeida
"My country needs all that oil. Why should I care about your lump of dry ice, peasant?"
Christopher
"Because it's going to make you smell REALLY F*CKING FRESH, homeslice."
Tony Almeida
"I DO have a pit problem. I will consider your proposal."
John Ross
John Ross is meting out the smiles appropriately -- this is maybe his second genuine one of the whole series, and it's because he's getting released from both the hospital AND from jail. Magically, the missing camera from Marta's room appeared on the roof, and the footage clears him of murder. They can't explain all the star wipes on it, but everyone loves a star wipe, so the cops are not too fussed.
Sue Ellen
"Gulp," thinks Sue Ellen. "Premature e-blackmail-ation is the worst."
Jordana and John Ross
"Honey, I'm so glad you're home. Without you I've worried an extra six inches onto my sweater sleeves and if you'd been in jail any longer they'd be pants."
Sue Ellen
Sue Ellen frantically calls the ME, only to find out that he'd already gone through with the lie despite evidence of defensive wounds that indicate muuuuuurder. He's very crabby about the fact that he just lied for no good reason; Sue Ellen is basically like, "Oh, suck it up, sad clown."
Christopher and John Ross
I LOVE this picture. It's totally the cover of a romance novel about them, and/or the still they use on the ads for their Lifetime movie, They Hated With Love. Anyway, they shake because Christopher is all, "I helped you because we're just two dudes trying to impress their fathers." Maybe we'll rename the movie Just Two Dudes Trying To Impress Their Fathers.
The Sue Ellens
After a brief, unspoken bond over their mutual love of sensible cardigans, Sue Ellen admits to Sue EllAnn that she bribed the dude, all while holding up a flyer for her campaign that touts her honesty. Sue EllAnn does not judge, because she is a woman of secrets as deep as her sweater is cropped.
Rebecca
First, Rebecca gets a visit from Christopher, telling her he did a background check on her and it came up clean and blah blah blah, he can forgive but not forget. Or, forget but not forgive. He makes her promise that she has no more secrets -- and she does -- but basically, his trustcake is still frosted with doubt.
Rebecca and Tommy
THEN Tommy comes by to tell her that he's NOT leaving town, because he hacked Christopher's e-mail and knows Exxon wants the Cold Spice.
Rebecca
Rebecca is like, "Can't you just leave me and my babies in PEACE? Even my SHIRT is sticking its tongue out at you."
Tommy
So then HE sticks his tongue out at HER... into her mouth. Tommy full-on kisses her and is like, "Girl, have you forgotten we're not related?" O SNAP. Did I predict that in print? I predicted it in my head a while ago, because of the way he kept calling her "sis" in a really sinister way. Then again, I definitely also predicted that they WERE siblings who were spawned by older Dallas cast members, so obviously I am just casting a wide net. It's a good twist, though. Lies make good TV. Bring it, Dallas. But still add some hats.