John Ross
We open with John Ross finding Jordana's missing boot in bed, which tells me way more about their sex life than I ever wanted to know. This scene is just for exposition, so that Jordana can remind us all that Christopher nobly and selflessly sold the foreign rights to his Crystal Methane in order to save everybody's lives, blah blah mineral rights blah drilling Southfork zzz. This show needs some Alexis Carrington up in its oil business.
Rebecca
After Rebecca and Christopher bond over the ultrasound and decide that buying two stuffed monkeys will solve all their problems, Rebecca comes home to find that Tommy has broken in to threaten her some more. He wants Christopher's key card so he can steal stuff. Man, if it was that easy all along, couldn't they have been done with this weeks ago? It's like walking around the block, climbing a hedge, and swinging through a tree just to get next door.
Tommy
Then Tommy a) asks her if he's better in the sack than Christopher, and b) touches her belly and says, "Shh, you'll wake the babies." So maybe we're supposed to wonder if they're his. Rebecca doesn't appreciate his tone, so she cat-scratches him across the cheek in a neat and orderly way that nobody's fingernails EVER would do. Then she apologizes for it, he promises to shoot somebody if she doesn't produce Christopher's ID, and then he ties her to a train track until she tells him where her checkbook is.
Tommy and Frank
Of course, Tommy's mystery buyer for Christopher's patent is... Cliff Barnes's menacingly attractive henchman, code-named Frank. Or, real-named Frank. I don't know. Frank isn't pleased that they still don't have the patent, and he denies Tommy's request for a bigger payday. Tommy isn't sure whether to cowtow to Frank or offer to nibble the ring off his finger.
Jordana
In between being an oil drilling genius and a map-reader extraordinaire, Jordana figures out that the Southfork oil can be accessed from a neighboring property, so the can still get it without violating Miss Ellie's decree. She also has time to braid bits of her hair in fancy ropes, presumably while she's up late watching John Ross sleep and writing Dallas fan-fiction in which her character actually knows other people, socializes with some of them occasionally, and generally has conversations that do not involve gazing up one of John Ross's nostrils.
Bobby, John Ross, Christopher
Christopher hears John Ross pitching this sideways-drilling thing to Bobby, and is deeply offended that nobody thinks they've already READ the Kama Sutra. Bobby explains that it's actual oil drilling, not a sexual position, and Christopher whines so much that HE saved the day already and ME ME ME ME ME that he gets into fisticuffs with John Ross. Bobby breaks it up, but not before it explodes his brain.
Bobby
No, really. He actually does explode his brain.
Bobby
Turns out Bobby has some kind of aneurysm that needs an operation, and at this point, Jessica texted me that she misheard it as "genital defect" instead of "congenital defect," and thus it suddenly sounds like that time on Passions where Julian couldn't get an erection or else his brain would explode (it was because he got castrated, and his drunken paramour, Dr. Eve, accidentally sewed it on backward; they spent three days with Julian trying to watch the hospital television and finding every double-entendre dangerously arousing). And since Jesse Metcalfe WAS on Passions, I've decided this is his doing, and that Bobby's head is going to blow off because of a defective Ewang. Hey, they say men have a special head-crotch connection, right? This could be MEDICAL PROOF.
They can't do surgery yet because of his elevated blood pressure, but Bobby doesn't want to sit around in this hospital wearing saucy off-the-shoulder gowns and making his collarbone everybody's eye-candy dessert. So he's going to go home. The doctor is like, "But you could DIE," and Bobby's response is, "Eh, I'll keep an ambulance on standby." Oh WILL YOU NOW. Are there ambulances for hire? EMTs for rent who can just hang out at Southfork and nap on the offchance that his brain fever returns? "No, Billy, turn off the radio. I don't care if there was a ten-car pileup on I-35. We are on Kopfegeschlagen Watch."
John Ross
But this whole malarkey reveals Bobby's cancer to John Ross, as well as the fact that Bobby was prepared to allow drilling on Southfork just to keep John Ross alive -- while JR sat back and did nothing, which chaps John Ross worse than a pantsless pony ride. So John Ross runs around and growls and orders Bum the Detective to tell JR that his brother is dying. He is frothing with righteousness.
Christopher and Rebecca
After a long night on the sofa standing guard, in case Bobby needed him -- because, even with EMTs on hand, you want to entrust your well-being to a kid who blew up rocks in his lab six weeks ago -- Christopher has a crick in his neck. And who better to work that out for him than his errant, pregnant wife, radiating both gestational heat and the warmth of a woman wearing several heavy layers? Jordana walks in with some coffee and catches them, but seems only to be perturbed by how she herself is not wearing nearly enough winter clothing.
Rebecca
Newly aroused by the memory of Christopher's shoulders, Rebecca goes digging for his ID badge. Which he has left in his open briefcase, which is in plain sight with all his other papers inside a convertible whose top is down. Because he is one of the city's leading geniuses. I'm sure if she asked him, he'd be like, "Duh, it's fine, I locked the car."
Rebecca
"Sigh. People in turtlenecks don't do this kind of EVIL," Rebecca decides, because she hasn't seen The Shining, so she puts back the badge.
JR
JR waltzes into Bobby's sick room, merry as you please, blowing enough hot air to swirl his eyebrows like a soft-serve cone.
Sue EllAnn
Sue EllAnn is all, "BITCH IMMA KILL YOU," because she blames JR for this whole scenario in which Bobby's angry genitals made his cerebrum all frothy.
Bobby and Christopher
Bobby takes this time to sniffle to Christopher that he never should've sold Southfork because it has denied Christopher a piece of his birthright, and this is all his fault. Christopher is silent, because he smells truth in that, and by all accounts it smells like old chicken.
Christopher and John Ross
So Christopher calls John Ross to alert him to JR's arrival, and when he gets there, Christopher basically orders him to make JR sign the deed back to Bobby so that Bobby can die happy. Oh, sure, way to use your maybe-dying father to get your ranch back, Christopher. And they said you were the good Ewing. Actually, it might be more interesting if the roles had reversed, and John Ross grew up good and Christopher grew up to be a total prat. Fingers crossed.
John Ross
"Can't we both be prats? I don't want to waste all this glorious prat face."
JR
Then JR busts out this awesome pouty face. See, John Ross goes and waves Bobby's righteousness in JR's face, and then asks him to do Bobby the deed favor, and JR whines about birthright. AGAIN. John Ross speaks for all of us when he says that the word "birthright" is really effing boring to him now and entreats JR to please just size up his nuts, deem them sufficiently large, and do the right thing.
John Ross
THEN he goes outside and has a sensitive cry to Jordana while trying to flex his pecs hard enough to pop off his shirt buttons.. 'I'm just a boy. Standing in front of a Dad. Asking him to love him," he weeps. Well, I'm paraphrasing, but you know. Hugh Grant should be very flattered that I found a reason to put him and JR Ewing in the same fugcap.
Sue Ellen
Sue Ellen storms over, armed with the world's largest zipper just in case JR's eyesight has gone and he's forgotten what lies underneath, and that he's no longer allowed to get to it.
Ambulance
Just in case you thought I was kidding about the ambulance.
Sue Ellen
The former Mrs. Ewing is pissed at JR for, in her mind, nearly getting her son killed and not coming home quickly enough. Right as he casually insults Sue EllAnn by calling her Bobby's "wife number three, and she's packing heat," Sue Ellen hauls off and slaps the zest out of his Hagbrows.
JR
JR fumes that it's going to take him equally long to curl his eyebrows and his conscience back into sufficiently rotten knots.
The Sue Ellens
I skipped this earlier because... well, I forgot to photograph it. But Mitch Pileggi showed up to Sue Ellen's office with a bottle of red wine, and even pours her a glass despite knowing she's sober. Then he blackmails her: Either she launders money for him through her campaign, or he reveals that she blackmailed the M.E. to rule Marta's death a suicide. I ask you, what does this show layer better: blackmail, or sensible autumn separates?
Sue Ellen sadly implies she's going to back out of the gubernatorial race rather than put herself under Mitch's thumb. Sue EllAnn is sad that a muffin can't fix this -- although, shouldn't they try one first, just in case? I mean, let's be thorough about this.
Bobby and JR
This archival photo is awesome. Fug Nation tells me that it's an actual photo of Larry and Patrick on a fishing trip per Entertainment Weekly, which I haven't read yet because it came while I was traveling and I keep forgetting). It's effective here, and a smart touch to imply that the brothers were not estranged for all of the last thirty years, and I love it. JR stares at it, deep in thought, until Bobby summons him to his chamber of genitally defective brain fogs.
Bobby and JR
"I love my evil brother," Bobby says. "This moves me to the core, but I can't admit it, because I'm JR, so I'm just going to blink back tears and then say something sassy," JR replies. Actually, it's a really good scene. Hagman, I believe, was doing chemo during this shoot (hence his sporadic appearances), and in a couple scenes here he does seem like a slightly weakened version of himself. Although it works, because it adds a layer to the emotions he's playing. Even an ailing (although by all accounts better now?) Hagman is a kick-ass Hagman.
Jordana and John Ross
The Science Club, meanwhile, decides not to repeat the mistakes of the elder Ewings. They pool their respective brainpower -- I'm thinking, at max, this is a two-pea affair -- and decide to start Ewing Energies, combining their oil ops with Christopher's meth lab. Despite the fact that this love triangle was only resolved by default about an hour ago, everyone seems completely comfortable with this arrangement.
Bobby
Well, everyone but Bobby.
Miss Ellie
Another photo! JR is doing a lot of dwelling on the past. But it's this photo that convinces him to sign the deed back to Bobby, because his dead mother's shoes are sensible enough for both of them.
JR and Bobby
"Shhh, don't wake him, I'll just leave this important legal document right next to his breakfast tray, in case he decides to sign it with sausage grease."
Rebecca
Tommy calls Rebecca to beg her to get the key card, because his buyer is antsy. Dear Tommy: When negotiating, do not whine, nor sound desperate, nor begin to beg. This virtually guarantees that you will get your ass removed and then handed to you without even the courtesy of gift wrap. So, indeed, Rebecca says no and sticks to her guns.
Rebecca
Or, more specifically, her gun. Which was in a safe deposit box, and is now in her purse.
Tommy
Hotly Rotten Frank is irritated, so while he does kindly leave Tommy's ass where his DNA put it, he slams Tommy's head into the host's podium.
Awesome man
The host gives a hilariously bored look, all, "A head slam? Yawn. Must be Tuesday."
Bobby
Bobby's lawyer calls and says they've found some data belonging to Marta on some cloud storage. That's right. THE CLOUD IS GONNA GET YOU, America. If Bobby's junk weren't already poised to blow his mind, this would. Anyway, his lawyer says that if they find anything incriminating JR, Bobby may have to be prepared to send him to jail. Bobby gulps, and gives him the go-ahead to look. But his machine starts to beep...
Bobby
... and then his BRAIN FEVER spikes, or else he gets a really unpleasant eyelash in his eye. And despite there being an ambulance outside, everyone flargs around for a second, looking for Visine or something before someone says, "Oh, hey, want to get those dudes up here? Great."
Rebecca
Meanwhile, as all of the above (from the gun onward) was awesomely set to "The Man Comes Around" by Johnny Cash, Tommy stalks Rebecca again and exposits for us that the entire get-rich-quick scam was instigated by HER, and now he feels abandoned. So he attacks her, which you can see in this very tender photograph of the edit between his anger and her terror. As you might imagine, Rebecca keeps blunt objects next to her bed, so she clubs Tommy over the head enough to give her a head start to the gun. But Tommy doesn't think she'll fire it, so he jumps her, and in Chicago fashion, they both go for the gun...
Innocent Bystanders
... and BANG, it goes off, and splatters the monkeys with blood. A shell casing even flips past them with a metallic ping. It's a tremendous last shot, even if we knew that's where it was all going. I loved this. And I really hope somebody gives those poor simians a good scrubbing and some therapy. They must have been really traumatized by the sight of... whoever... bleeding out on the floor. Will it be a) Tommy, considered the expendable character? Or b) Rebecca, who will lose the babies and not die? Or did they both miss and shoot the condiments in the fridge? Join us for the finale next week. BANG.