Steven Weber
Steven, a.k.a. Mayor McConaughey (no, really), is holding a press conference on the reclaimed Henderson land -- the stuff Elena was supposed to drill with Sue Ellen's money -- about putting a pipeline through there. A pipeline which would prevent Ewing Energies from ever pumping Southfork oil. I feel like this plan is the closest Cliff Barnes has ever been to shoving something where JR's sun don't shine.
Bobby
But Bobby has his shit-kickin' specs on, and he's takin' guff from NO ONE. Specifically, the Ewings -- who are so amateur right here -- line up with their arms crossed and tell Steven Weber that they know all ABOUT his dirty schemes and his cohorts and that they're COMING FOR HIM and he's going DOWN and he'll be SORRY. Only in Bobby Ewing's book is it a good idea to tell your enemy exactly what you know. Did Luke blow up the Death Star by calling Darth Vader and saying, "We are coming for you and I'm going to shoot my gun into the randomly placed exhaust hole and it's going to travel right on down and blow you up from within so JUST LOOK OUT because that's exactly what I'm doing PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEE"? No.
John Ross and Pamela
John Ross shows up to Pamela's with instructions to tell her that Cliff blew up her children. His nerves on this front explain why, when she kisses him, he looks like he's about to throw up in her face.
Pamela
She is as thrilled by his theories as you can imagine .In fact, she yells at him that this is just more Ewing backstabbing and kicks him out of her house, before having a good cry. Hey, remember when she murdered Tommy, and everyone cared about that? Yeah.
Harris and Cliff
These two smugly smug at Steven Weber all about how they've won against the Ewings, and nothing the Ewings know or THINK they know can be proven, and therefore, they are winning winners who win. Steven Weber notes that if the Ewings do manage to best them, they will become whining whiners who whine. Or dead dead men who are dead.
Christopher
Christopher wants his mother Pam declared dead so that he can inherit her Barnes Global shares, plus the untouched trust that's been accruing all Pam's dividends since 1989. But -- let's fast-forward -- this dude finds out that a Patricia Bartlett, whose signature matches Pam's pretty closely, has been using an account in Switzerland that has deposits in the same amount, or something, and basically, if it's not Pam, it's someone impersonating her. So, Christopher strikes out on his relatively cold campaign to have her declared dead and snatch all her stuff.
Ann
Ann swans into Emma's room with a vase of flowers, wearing such a horrible shirt that I am genuinely concerned that she has been thrown off her horse and has a concussion. She finds Emma's secret pills and confronts her about it, and about what Sue Ellen said about her at the bar acting high. (Why would Sue Ellen have said "high" and not "drunk" if they didn't already know medication was an issue?) Emma says that Sue Ellen was drunk and doesn't know what she's talking about, then bravely insists Ann can take the pills and throw them away. Naturally, once Ann leaves, Emma freaks out and scours her room for backup, but her stash is empty, so she cannot medicate away all her memories of what Ann was wearing.
Sue Ellen, Ann
When Ann confronts Sue Ellen about whether she is drinking - and clearly does not believe the denials - Sue Ellen acts with GREAT restraint in not questioning Ann's judgment based on the shoulder cleavage alone.
Cliff Barnes
That Dastardly Cliff Barnes shows up to Pamela's penthouse to apologize for not visiting, claiming that he was just too broken up at the thought of seeing her in pain. He brings her flowers and tells her that he's on the verge of getting everything they want, ruining the Ewings, etc. The usual song. After all these years, shouldn't Cliff know not to talk until he is actually kicking dirt on the coffin?
Drew
Emma has been pushing Drew away to protect him. He catches her trading sexual favors (and some cash) to a ranch hand in exchange for pills, and gets pretty annoyed with her. He tells her that if she doesn't stop it, he'll go to the feds with everything he knows about her father's true business (the fact of which doesn't seem to alarm her, which is a shock considering at the start of the season she trusted him), which will ALSO get him arrested. He is willing to take the risk. She would rather take some pills.
Emma
So she goes upstairs, crushes the hell out of them, and snorts them off her credit card.
The Ewings
Bobby has a cop tracking Ryland's trucks, and they're basically led on a wild goose chase -- Ryland knew they'd do this, so he makes sure that one truck appears suspicious, draws their attention, then actually contains nothing illegal. BAM. Dead end. More gloating and suffering. Everything's coming up evil.
Ewings
And then, the death knell: With Ewing Energies on the hook for a billion-dollar fine, unable to pump oil, and basically hosed, the bank sells their loan to one Mr. Cliff Barnes, who waltzes into the boardroom and announces they have 24 hours to pay it back OR ELSE. He is gleeful as the Pillsbury Doughboy in a room full of flour and sugar.
Cliff
But what Cliff doesn't know is, John Ross has been in Pamela's ear again, telling her that none of this makes sense: Why does Cliff want to BUY a company that owes a billion bucks and has no assets except methane technology that everyone believes is faulty... UNLESS he knows the technology didn't cause the explosion. So when Cliff shows up to gloat to Pamela about his win, she casually asks him about the loan -- he says campaign contributions can make it all go away -- and the methane, which he says they can fix and get rich from, no worries. He is so excited about his win that he doesn't notice that Pamela, standing behind him, is about to spit nails into the base of his neck.
Pamela
Instead, she bolts into the bathroom and tries not to hurl in the sink. It's actually quite well-acted. Oh, Cliff. You give the esteemed Mr. Huxtable's first name such a bad rap.
John Ross, Pamela
Also, this pushes Pamela -- through the rain, no less -- straight into the clutches of John Ross's thighs. Although generally that is not the face he likes to see on a lady whom he's just tried to pleasure. On his penis's Yelp page, this is totally a zero-star review.
John Ross
The next morning, while Pamela is hacking into Cliff's computer and searching his files, John Ross wanders out... in boxers and a tank and SOCKS. For some reason, the pulled-up socks as a leisure garment CRACK me up, as if his feet are Never Nudes.
Harris
More gloating! Gloaty McGloaterson hands Captain Von Gloat a check to buy his company back from Judith Light, who is off having her leg rehabilitated and her morphine drip kept steady. Harris is even like, "This thing's not done YET, you know," and Count Gloatcula is all, "Oh, PSHAW, overconfidence has NEVER come back to bite a person in the ass before! Let's drink."
John Ross and Pamela
If only he knew the very daughter he planned to march into Ewing Energies with is the same one currently being marched on by a one-soldier Ewing Army.
Elena
Elena sees some of Christopher's files on Ryland -- the ones they're scouring for clues -- and realizes Drew's trucking jobs were for him. She is sick of lying to the Ewings about why Drew's face is all jacked up, so she demands the truth. And he actually TELLS HER. Maybe he just really respects how well she matched her lip gloss to her short.
Drew
Drew tries to defend himself -- they told him the rig would be unoccupied, it was just supposed to send a message, they detonated it early, they promised to murder her if he didn't do it and after what happened with Emma clearly they would have done it -- but, justly, Elena is truly appalled (and for a second even wonders if he's lying about why it went off when it did), and orders him to 'fess up and not flee town. After she leaves, Drew does a lot of jaw-clenching that makes my TMJ twitchy, then digs out a briefcase full of guns from under his bed. Dude, it is never good news if you have a briefcase full of guns.
Ann
Ann tells Bobby that Emma is on drugs. They are sad. He's also very upset that Ann is having a split-personality moment and doesn't shop awesomely anymore.
Cliff and Pamela
Cliff almost catches Pamela with John Ross, and then takes her to lunch. She uses this time to ask him for a third of Barnes Global, as a mark of respect for her part in all this, and Cliff gives it to her. AHA: But Bum is listening. Also, there is a scene earlier where Sue Ellen -- while asking him to find Lee Majors (who played the Former Suitor who tipped her off about the explosion, got fired by Steven Weber, and has since fled; why I didn't put that together sooner, I don't know) -- ends up in some really flirty banter with Bum and NO, SUE ELLEN. THAT IS THE BOOZE TALKING. You cannot go from being Queen of JR's kingdom to sleeping with a guy named BUM.
Steven Weber
While Elena was off telling Bobby what Drew did, Drew was writing a confession, leaving it on the kitchen table, and fleeing town with one of his guns. (Elena is all, "His Glock is gone," as she heaves the guncase onto the bed, and I'm stunned nobody seems bothered by the sheer number of weapons he had lying around... and then I remember this is set in Texas and Ann shoots at or near people all the time.) Steven Weber is hella pissed that there is a manhunt for Drew and for Ryland's henchman -- who manages to escape also -- and warns everyone that THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES if their secrets get exposed, and most likely, those consequences will involve a Wings marathon.
The Ewings plus Emma
Everyone is watching the news -- well, except Christopher, who is busy trying to figure out if you have three green apples, and you add two red apples, how many green apples do you have. This will take him all day. Emma hears that Drew confessed and is now being hunted, and gets queasy, because he was willing to do that in exchange for her sobriety. So she goes to Harris's house and asks him if he targeted Drew for this bombing to keep them apart. He sneeringly tells her that all of this is her fault, and she's caused chaos -- this seems to be a trigger word for her of some kind -- and that if she'd just gone to London and resumed dressage training like a good little robot, everyone would be fine. He orders her back under his roof, and she agrees, angrily. This is such a healthy relationship. It clearly brings both of them such unbridled joy. Although in this moment, it does also bring her some more pills, which to her is the same thing. I guess he has a whole pharmacy's worth up there in his attic.
John Ross
Bobby sympathizes with John Ross about loving a Barnes woman, and how they each always sided with their own families when it came down to it. Bobby also tells him that Pamela got a third of Barnes Global, and because she hasn't mentioned it yet, they wonder about her motives; John Ross basically realizes he has to put the screws to her to prove herself, regardless of how he feels about her personally. Bobby seems to regret that this is necessary, and John Ross tries to muster up some Ocular Rays of Scummy Confidence but he's just not feeling it today because: wuv, twoo wuv.
Emma
On her way home from Harris's, Emma flips her car, and is high and had drugs in the car. She and Ann have it out, where Emma screams that Ann can't tell her how to be because Ann got out from under Harris's tranq-pushing thumb after four years but she was stuck for two decades. Ann decides to sack up and tells Emma she needs to put herself in rehab, and she'll stay in jail until she realizes it. She then tells Bobby to make sure the cops keep Emma from contacting Harris. It's all very nice and tough-love and all that, except that these two were about four weeks overdue for ANY kind of conversation at ALL.
John Ross
John Ross goes to Pamela and, reminding her that the two of them have been schemers from the womb, hits her with the jaunty hip-hand of sassy suspicion.
John Ross
He then tells her he has no way of knowing she won't use her Barnes Global shares to backstab both Cliff AND the Ewings, and shifts gears into Paranoid Eyes.
John Ross
And then right when he upgrades to cross-eyed persuasion, Pamela tells him she will do anything to prove herself. John Ross didn't even need to bring it home into Bug-Eyed Hypnosis. Congrats, sir. You're refining your technique.
Drew
Drew, meanwhile, is living in a field because he thinks he can corral Ryland's henchman because "I know his patterns," which is ridiculous, because there's no reason to think he knows anything of the sort. He gets in touch with Elena, who pulls cell phone switcheroos -- which fool a suspicious Christopher, although a duck in a trucker hat could fool Christopher into thinking it's Ashton Kutcher -- and meets Drew with $5,000 to help get him to Mexico, although he refuses to go until he's gotten the henchman. Except isn't the henchman sort of worthless without Drew? They already brought him in and couldn't hold him. SIGH. But whatever. Don't tell Vigilante Drew of the Glades that he's not right.
Pam?
People in Zurich have security shots of "Patricia" leaving the bank. Bobby and Christopher can't tell if it's her. People, if you're going to pick a pseudonym, don't get all cute. Pam Barnes to Patricia Bartlett, or whatever? Please. It's like Obi-Wan Kenobe to Old Ben Kenobe. Or hiding Luke Skywalker from his father by calling him... Luke SKYWALKER. Like that wouldn't ring any bells. Anyway, this is just Extra In A Hat, basically. We'll see next week if this turns into anything.
Sue Ellen
Sue Ellen tells Bobby she's been SO busy all day swanning around Dallas in her fur, begging people to give them help with the Barnes loan. I guess the best way to act like you are good for your money is to wear expensive clothes. Bobby gets a text from John Ross that informs him Pamela's shares will be his by morning, so he merrily sits down and tells Sue Ellen that it's been tough for him to play the long game that JR was so good at, but that JR always used to tell him that Cliff's weakness was hubris, and that the best thing to do is let the enemy think he's won because then he'll hang himself on the giant celebratory banner he strings up for himself.
JR
And so as Bobby and Sue Ellen toast JR's masterplan, which will rev into its last stages tonight...
Mawwiage
... John Ross and Pamela get MARRIED. He pauses to ask if she's doing this because she loves him, or just wants to stick it to Cliff. "I do," she beams in response. Heh. However, no way would she wear that to get married -- seriously, for one thing, she'd be doing this in a little black cocktail dress, and for another: no. And thirdly, Pamela Barnes does not wear sensible heels, ESPECIALLY when she's marrying for revenge-love. Lovenge.
Bobby and Cliff
So, when Cliff shows up for the keys to Ewing Energies, Bobby hands them over before telling him not to get too comfortable. And he walks away looking broken...
Bobby
... but then breaks into a smile as he gets further and further away, because it's All Part Of The Plan. This would've been a good enough season finale, but we've got TWO more hours tonight, AND no guarantees of a third season. I really hope they don't drag us down this path and then cancel this show with no closure. It's so JUICY. And TWISTY. Can we please find out that before he died, JR laid out like thirteen crazy master plans for Bobby to follow, to achieve various important ends? That should give plenty of seasons' worth of material.