> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Fug the Show: Dallas recap, season 3, episode 1 - URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-dallas-recap-season-3-episode-1/ - Published: 2014-02-28T21:00:28.000Z - Updated: 2014-02-28T16:35:26.000Z - Author: Heather - Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:37 ## Christopher's Beard ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9971-1024x768.xml) Christopher spends most of the show a) shooting perplexed looks at John Ross before stalking off in a huff after Bobby, b) chopping wood, because he is REAL ANGRY Y'ALL and this is only twelve hours after last season's finale, and in that time apparently he's quit with the SCIENCE GO BOOM and picked up WEAPON GO SLICE; and c) mooning over Elena, because he decides he should forgive her for that time her brother -- blackmailed, but still -- blew up his unborn children and she helped him escape the law. Sigh. People spend more time missing J.R. in this episode than either Chris OR Pamela spend being sad about those babies. MAybe that was part of his lumberjacking. Fine. Chop your grief wood, Christopher. ## CSI: Dallas ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9972-1024x768.xml) I love that John Ross gets the full David Caruso treatment with his sunglasses, but hate that his cocked Egobrow doesn't get any play here. That thing is doing half the acting. Anyway, it should not surprise you to know that John Ross is needling traditionalist Bobby about upgrading and revamping and expanding Southfork to be more modern and also a gaudy palace of extreme riches, and also wants to drill on Southfork again to salvage blah blah Ewing Global blah. He also swaggers around acting like J.R. reincarnated. ## Egobrow ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9941-1024x768.xml) The Egobrow is only matched for intensity by his constant bedroom eyes. I have to say, for as ridiculous as I find all those things, I'm at least entertained by Josh Henderson in this role. I still think he might be a little too obviously skeezy -- I watch this and wonder why in the HELL anyone would ever want to do business with him, or trust him -- but then again, the same could be said of J.R. He fooled everyone a hundred times, including Bobby, so I guess this is just circle of life stuff. ## Sniffle ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9944-1024x768.xml) He also inherits JR's old belt buckle. I hope Hagman liked Josh Henderson or else this feels like treason to me. Even if he didn't actually wear this on the original Dallas. Anything Hagman touched needs to stay PURE. Maybe I should take it, for safe-keeping. Failing that, someone on Etsy needs to get on this, stat. ## REVENGE ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9973-1024x768.xml) Everyone on this show has daddy issues. Elena's are that hers died trying to drill his dry land, which Cliff Barnes has, of course, told her SHOULD have been the Ewings' land, because that JR pulled some strings and got the parcels switched and stuck Mr. Ramos with the barren patch of bankruptcy AND DESPAIR. So how she blames them for his death, because he perished working himself to the bone on a bad investment that actually SHOULD have been a GOOD investment. (But didn't he also have an accident? I mean, it's not the Ewings' fault that his work/life balance was wonky. Don't mind me. I'm just justifying bad behavior on the part of JR.) All this means that Elena allies herself with Cliff and comes to town to insinuate herself into their lives, for the purposes of avenging her sweet innocent dead father from the rich family who caused his demise, and if she had pulled out a red Sharpie I would really think "Revenge" had a copycat on its hands. ## Emma ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9977-1024x768-e1393539820833.xml) Emma's daddy issues are that she got Mitch Pileggi thrown in jail and he was a controlling ass who drugged up her and her mother. I will give her those issues. Quite solid. And Bell has turned out to be good casting -- she can look totally angelic and then also like a half-drunk vixen, just with the twitch of an eyelid. She and John Ross are still Secretly Shagging, and she won't give John Ross her big ol' file of her evil father's thing because she basically knows that's her leverage that will keep him around and in her bed. But they do discover that because Mitch Pileggi is in jail and her Improbably Young Grandmother Judith Light is being kept dizzy on morphine, Emma inherits power of attorney for Ryland Trucking. So she agrees to give John Ross some equipment; he is using her for sex and actually enjoying it, and she is addicted to him, I think, and liking pretending to be nice to Pamela while sending John Ross dirty texts. When she inevitably tries to make him choose and he can't walk away from Pamela, she is going to LOSE HER SHIT and it's going to be pleasant. Also that merry widow looks terrible on her. ## Cuckolded ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9974-1024x768.xml) Pamela's daddy issues are ALSO that she had her dad thrown in prison, which the show cleverly has her and Emma laugh about together, and also maybe a sign that somebody needs a new mommy issue up in here just for variety. I nominate Sue Ellen hitting the bottle again. Anyway, Pamela here -- looking totally boring in the credits, which is probably right in line with her namesake Pamela; I liked her better when she was crazy, which is true of 90 percent of TV characters -- accepts John Ross's marriage proposal, which she has NO IDEA he is delivering right after having mad crazy sex with Emma. So SHE spends the episode planning her wedding while wearing an ENORMOUS diamond, and living across the hall from her husband's lover. Maybe they DO need to expand this house. ## Sue EllAnn ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9975-1024x768.xml) And Ann 'Sue Ellen Mischke' Ewing basically just does her Ann thing. I think she has like one line and one facial expression and that's basically it. However, everything seems to be super normal with her and Emma, all of which happened off-camera, and no one is talking about whether Emma is still addicted to pills, so I guess we're supposed to forget about that part and focus on the sexual shenanigans, which... okay, actually, I can do that. ## Bobby ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9979-1024x768.xml) Bobby opens the show talking to the graves of his family. I bet he wishes he could shower away last season's events. I really wish they'd PUT him in the shower and had him get out and shrug to Ann, "Well, it worked the first time, but not this one." Bobby is back to what he always does: growling at John Ross and assuring him that he will LOSE if he crosses Bobby about business/drilling on Southfork/installing a hot tub in the middle of the living room/House of Cards spoilers. ## Nice gun ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9976-1024x768.xml) I think the picture of Mitch Pileggi slowly brandishing a gun is my favorite, or at least, tied with Christopher being a lumberjack and being okay, sleeping all night and working all day. Harris gets sprung from prison, at great cost, by whatever drug cartel had him by the balls last season. Great! "More of THAT please," said nobody. But he IS out of prison, and for good measure, they're threatening to mangle Emma's face if he doesn't do things for them. This will surely lead to a lot of sound decision-making, and may end up hurting John Ross because Emma had given him those tankers and now she doesn't have the power anymore. Anything that hurts John Ross is usually good for TV. ## I AM DASHING ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9978-1024x768.xml) This is Joaquin, the mysterious rich guy Elena went to see an Mexico at the end of the last season. Turns out when she was a kid, he was homeless, and she made her family adopt him, and now he is avenging her father's semi-Ewing-related death -- and those land-lease shenanigans -- with A FIRE IN HIS BELLY. And also in his loins, because you know this season is going to be about him and Elena learning to stop playing brother and sister and start playing sexual Olympics. I also wonder if he's going to end up involved in the Mitch Pileggi drug shenanigans, because he seems too smooth. And finally, I hope Mitch Pileggi starts a band called The Mitch Pileggi Drug Shenanigans. ## I missed you Sue Ellen ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9980-1024x768.xml) I don't know why Sue Ellen's slide gets her gubernatorial presser, when she had to pull out of the race in disgrace. It SHOULD be her Drinking To Forget before JR's funeral. She blindly supports John Ross in everything this hour, even though she warns him about not underestimating Bobby. I appreciate filial loyalty, but Sue Ellen, your son is a dink. Then again, she was also in love with JR most of her life, and while he was NOT a dink, he was kind of scuzzy to her for a lot of those years and she kept getting sucked in again. So maybe she's not as brilliant as I want her to be. ## STAY ALIVE KEN KERCHIVAL ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9969-1024x768.xml) So, Cliff Barnes is rotting in a Mexican prison on murder charges, and he convinces Elena that he was framed -- adding that to the list of Ewing Evils. So as part of their plan, she takes on his Barnes Global proxy so that she can monkey with Ewing Global stuff, and agrees that it's time to MAKE THE EWINGS PAY. As usual. The thing is, though, that I don't think anyone ever actually WANTS to see the Ewings pay, so it's hard to root for Elena even though she and Cliff are both technically in the right. I mean, Cliff probably WOULD have shot JR at some point if he'd thought of it, and while the Ewings did double-cross Elena's father, I've already said that I think TECHNICALLY died of his own accord, right? I'm SUCH a Ewing Apologizer. ## Shlub ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9995-1024x768.xml) So Elena plays this perfectly: Wearing her very most tragic "I have been depressed and sitting on the couch watching Murder She Wrote" outfit, she saunters around to the Southfork back patio (her mother still works there, or else I would wonder about their security) and apologizes to everyone and begs for leniency. Then Christopher takes her aside to pledge his allegiance and she acts SUPER tempted but then sadly pushes him off, which her facial expression later reveals is all part of the plan. She IS an unlikely candidate for a spy, so it's kind of good. It's amazing that this show has gotten so much juice out of a rotating cabal of people working for other people who want to take down the Ewings, and it hasn't gotten old for me yet. ## A Chico's Kind Of Day ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9993-1024x768.xml) Pamela also flaunts her engagement ring, and Ann actually makes a SUPER DOUBTFUL face at how large it is -- and Pam even asks her directly if she thinks it's too big and Ann is like, "Ehhhhhh....." Ann clearly HATES large accessories and DEFINITELY did not drape herself with the most massive things she could find at her Chico's outlet. ## Ewing Global ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9998-1024x768.xml) These jokers get in the board room to discuss boring exploration and drilling issues, although they do use little models on a map, like Ewing Monopoly or a game of Risk, so that if we get bored we can at least bliss out on the image of Christopher playing with them when he's alone at the office at night, all, "I AM THE CAPTAIN NOW." They decide to sell off the consumer division of Barnes Global to ConAgra, in order to fund things -- something about Arctic leases. We don't care yet. am WAY more concerned with why someone angrily jammed two golf clubs shaft-first into the light fixture. ## Glasses ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2014/02/IMG_9999-1024x768.jpg) So, as part of Operation REVENGE, Elena puts on glasses and walks into the Ewing Global boardroom, and tells them that she knows she's out of the company because of Drew (among other things, he got arrested for accidental drug trafficking while driving for Mitch Pileggi and John Ross used this to invalidate HER founding shares for Reasons), but she just wants a job. And so they're literally like, "Great! Here is a job," and two minutes later she has a job and an office where she can do said job and presumably a salary and benefits attached to this job that no one thought to discuss, and she IMMEDIATELY sits in on this private meeting of the board and gives her opinions and steals some files, and what he hell IS her job? If I put on cute glasses and a suit, can I have one? Anyway: She's jobbed up and ready to job them, and indeed, calls Cliff immediately -- on his Mexican Prison Burner Phone -- to tell him that she's in. ## SHENANIGANS ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_0004-1024x768.xml) If you think that is Joaquin, you're right. However, at this point in the episode, we and the Ewings only know him as Nicolas Treviño, a man Cliff Barnes hired to be his proxy. Obviously we know Elena has the proxy, so that's our first clue that he is Joaquin, but the show draws it out until the end of episode. Anyway, Nicolas Joaquin -- Nicquin? Joaqolas? Sigh -- is charged with blocking Ewing Global from selling or harming any part of the original Barnes Global (which they took over thanks to Pamela joining forces with John Ross, among other things). So guess who's NOT selling their consumer blahblah division to Zzzz? RIght. Which is why John Ross wants to drill into Southfork and Bobby wants to put a southfork in HIM. But NyQuil stops all their plans dead. DEAD AS ELENA'S FATHER. ## Burn that shirt ![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_0007-1024x768.xml) In this scene we also learned that Sue Ellen HAS to be drinking again, solely because WHAT IS THAT SHIRT. It looks like a tee she's layered over something leopard-printed, but for a moment I thought it was silk-screened with actual flames. Elena has good office-wear, though; I couldn't get a good screen grab of Julie Gonzalo's outfit, but Pamela is basically wearing a sleeveless very short navy dress with a HUGE slit. ## Burn This Shirt Even Harder ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2014/02/IMG_0086-1024x768.jpg) I would have stood up and applauded if John Ross had, as foreplay, seized her by the shoulder holes and ripped the sleeves right off her body. SURELY such comedy would be the only reason for anyone ever wearing that thing. ## Sigh ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2014/02/IMG_0088-1024x768.jpg) And then this: John Ross and Pamela sleep across the hall from Emma, right, and yet when he leaves Emma's room after a midnight bang, he KISSES HER GOODBYE IN THE HALLWAY. RIGHT THERE. And of course Sue Ellen sees him walking away and Emma closing the door ("You look like you've seen a ghost" "For a minute there I thought I had") and yet she's completely willing to believe it was just an innocent business meeting about trucking leases. At night. In her bedroom. AND this is after John Ross had gotten all smarmy and confident and goatee-twirly earlier about how he was "extremely persuasive" with the new Ryland Trucking CEO in order to do that deal. Sometimes I think Sue Ellen doesn't speak Ewing. ## Not So Drunkfaced ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2014/02/IMG_9983-1024x768.jpg) And Drunkface McCord, who looks less drunkfaced than she used to, shows up as a potentially sassy cattle hand named Heather who displays pluck and moxie standing up for herself and makes Christopher gaze wistfully at her tight jeans. Get on it, you two. Don't let John Ross be the only one in this show having the sex. [Fug the Show: Dallas recap, season 3, episode 1This episode resets the table somewhat -- in a nicely REVENGE-y way, although not as lame as a Revenge-y one -- so in lieu of proper screen grabs, I'm going to tell you what happens while we look at the new title cards for everyone: FINALLY they are using the split-screen technique from the Dallas of old. It's divine. I wish they'd change it weekly, though, just to keep us amused. Next time.![](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/content/files/www-gofugyourself-com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/img_9971-1024x768.xml)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-dallas-recap-season-3-episode-1-02-2014/)