John Ross
As Sue Ellen marinates in her insurmountable lead in the gubernatorial race, John Ross soaks in the juices of his rotting soul, and puts the moves on a bride out for her hen night. Which is the night before her wedding. Do people actually do that? Isn't it the worst possible timing to go drink and get crazy and bloat yourself up?
Whoops
And then make out with an oily stranger?
John Ross
After being told to go out the back way, John Ross cruises down the front stairs and casually presents a video of his tryst to the bride's father. Turns out it's JR-suggested blackmail: John Ross wants the man's trucks, but the man hates all Ewings, so nefarious arrangements had to be made. Final line of the cold open: "Love is for PUSSIES," John Ross spits. Meow.
Christopher
"Hey! Methane makes racecar go vroom!"
Hagman
JR is proud of his son. I am proud of JR. Just... because. He makes a big show of having brought in muffins for "all the pretty secretaries," but sighs that it's no fun when half of them are dudes. That is exactly the kind of dated, sexist thing JR Ewing would say, and I love that the show was not afraid to do that -- like, of COURSE he's stuck in the '80s. Also: HAGMAN.
Ewing Energies
So, Christopher is trying to get racecar drives to sponsor his methane fuel blahbitty-blah, and John Ross wants to vertically integrate the company in a way that's not euphemistic. Bobby votes with Christopher and that's that; we learn that each of the guys has a 30 percent stake and Elena has 10 percent, meaning that basically as long as Bobby sides with Christopher, nobody else's opinion matters. Elena is irritated that she got a whole new wardrobe of power dresses just to be marginalized.
Christopher
Christopher is too busy making jinxy proclamations about how the REAL Rebecca Sutter is going to seal his annulment hearing against Fauxbecca. She has proof of the long con and all the lies, and Christopher is unafraid to dance prematurely on the grave of his marriage, because Christopher still hasn't realized that the altruistic Ewings never win. Not really.
Ugh
Meanwhile, Sue EllAnn has commissioned this truly hideous painting for Bobby's office. She calls it "evocative." That is tactful. Presumably Bobby will call it, "That thing I hang over my safe, and behind my head, so that I can't ever actually see it."
Sue EllAnn and Harris
Naturally, her ex-husband Harris (Mitch Pileggi) sneaks up behind her and tells her that he's found their presumed-dead daughter. Alive. And guess what? He's only giving up her location if Sue EllAnn forks over the tape she made of him confessing to money-laundering -- a tape she'd made to protect Sue Ellen et al from other kinds of blackmail and bribery. There is so much blackmail on this show. It's like Clue. Where's Wadsworth when you need him?
Sue EllAnn
However, Brenda Strong totally nails the private jubilation at finding out her daughter lives. And apparently rides horses. Expensive-looking horses. Horses that most kidnapped/presumed-dead girls wouldn't have access to unless they were not actually kidnapped or presumed dead, but whatever. She goes inside and confesses all to Bobby, who rightly suggests this could be a con. But apparently Harris had his DNA checked against the girl's (and how did he claim to have gotten her DNA? A purloined hair?), and suggests Sue EllAnn do the same. Bobby agrees. I love that Sue EllAnn just went inside and told Bobby everything. Nobody does that on TV.
Elena
Elena puts on another new suit and finagles four spent oil rigs from a dude who thinks she's too dumb to function. Joke's on you, suit: There's methane in them there sea beds. Racecar go vroom!
Christopher and Bobby
These two get summoned to Cliff Barnes' HQ by Fauxbecca. They are terribly confused, don't you know, because apparently there are limits to the number of PIs the Ewings can bankroll, and right now, John Ross and JR are maxing out the budget.
Fauxbecca
So, Fauxbecca pops up and tells them what we already know: She's Pamela Rebecca Barnes, and she will give a generous custody arrangement to Christopher in exchange for 30 percent of his Ewing Energies shares. Christopher stomps his foot and shrieks, "BOOOOO, HISSSSSS," and vows to sort this out in court.
Hagman
JR is seriously displeased. HAGMAN!
John Ross
However, despite professing his allegiance in the anti-Barnes crusade, John Ross actually has his PI digging up stuff that will ruin Christopher's life. Because he and JR are ACTUALLY scheming to steal Ewing Energies for themselves. Aside from Sue EllAnn's story, then, this entire episode is just sort of restating the information we already knew from the finale.
John Ross's car
And Ewing V is all, "Man, 1BRUCE1 and I8A 4RE were so much cooler."
Sue EllAnn's phone
And DNA Lab is all, "Really? You have me programmed into your phone?"
Sue EllAnn, Harris, and Sue Ellen
And Sue EllAnn's boots are all, "Where the hell are we? Remember how she used to rock us with tight pants? Sniffle."
Sue EllAnn
And Sue EllAnn, after giving Harris the tape, is like, "If this isn't accurate information then I will SEND YOU TO HELL." That capsy part is actually what she says.
Bobby
And Bobby is like, "Girrrrrrl, I could've found her for you without giving away your leverage. Thanks for the trust." And Sue EllAnn is like, "Whatever, Dr. Google, let's just GO GET HER." So they do.
Sue Ellen
At campaign HQ, Sue Ellen sees breaking news that the medical examiner she bribed -- she needed him to conclude that Marta del Sol died in a suicide to exonerate John Ross from false murder accusations -- has decided to come forward. This is confusing to me, though, because supposedly Harris was going to keep him quiet so that Sue Ellen would become governor and do his bidding. And he even alluded to wanting her in power when she gave back the tape. So... is this just bad timing? Silly people with their silly consciences. Anyway, Sue Ellen is doomed, basically.
The news
And her opponent is apparently named McConaughey.
JR
And JR is like, "Dammit, I don't know what's worse, Sue Ellen screwing this up for herself or having that damn nudist bongo-smacking drawling fool as Governor."
Emma
This is Sue EllAnn's daughter, who is riding dressage at a very posh stable, like you do when you've been snatched and "disappeared" for twenty years.
Sue EllAnn
Oh, but Emma knew Sue EllAnn was coming and has no interest in seeing her, and rejects her in a cold rage. Sue EllAnn collapses in fury as her boots wonder if perhaps Emma would've been more receptive had she realized what a high-heeled fox her mother can be.
Sue EllAnn
But maybe Sue EllAnn was just upset that her only child was imprisoned in such unflattering jodhpurs.
Pamela
Pamela Fauxbecca Sutter Barnes has acquired both a house and a shirt that has more windows than what she had last season.
John Ross
John Ross shows up, compliments her on her nut-punch to the collective Ewing groin, and then gets right up into her face to breathe all over her about how they can join forces and get revenge on Christopher and Elena together. And METHANE. Or something.
John Ross and Pamela
Jessica and I conduct all our business meetings at such close range.
Rebecca Sutter
And right before John Ross can reach out and lick Pamela across the mouth, his weapon arrives: That's right, he's conned The Real Rebecca Sutter into changing sides, providing false testimony, and getting Christopher's annulment petition kicked to divorce court. Everybody's eyebrows twitch in orgasmic, plotty unison.