Downton Eyebags
So, EvilButler.com is back and arguably worse than ever, if by "worse" you mean, "barely his usual handsome, conniving self, complete with terrible eyebags and a new habit of heating up something with a spoon and then INJECTING IT INTO HIMSELF while he cries in his room." I fear that Thomas's Choose Your Choice Adventure of last week was NOT, in fact, a free-wheeling journey through space and time, nor an exciting hedonistic Sex Vacation, but a primitive de-gaying program that encourages getting over homosexuality in favor of getting under heroin. I HOPE IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT I THINK THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.
Downton Luncheon
Meanwhile, upstairs we get our Meal Time Reset of What Everyone Is Up To Right Now:
a) Lord G is continuing to refuse to sell a portion of the land at Pip's Corner (rightly, and Tom and Mary agree to compromise at the end to find some way to develop their land without making it hideous). Lord G is also being rudely dismissive of all of Cora's interest in this development deal. I would be so tempted to be like, "I'D JUST LIKE TO REMIND YOU THAT MY MONEY SAVED THIS WHOLE PILE IN THE FIRST PLACE," but she does not say this.
b) Rose's father Shrimpy is back from India to tell poor Rose that he and her mother are getting a divorce and so everyone can talk about how Divorce Is a Scandal.
c) Violet is MAD PRICKLY about Prince Kuragin. In her defense, it's always unsettling when one's Russian Lover of Yore comes in, surprisingly, from the cold.
Downton Hideous Townscapes
WOW SO HIDEOUS A VISTA. Totally not something I'd put on my Instagram! So, the Crime-Fighting Duo of Violet and Isobel have popped into town to see Princess Anne and ask about -- wait, wrong fanfic. Violet and Isobel have snuck up to the Dickensian Workhouse Where Julian Fellowes Sticks All The Disenfranchised to visit Violet's Russian refugee friends...
Downton Dickensian Workhouse Part 3
...to the great shock and surprise of Rose. Prince Kuragin is not at ALL surprised to see Violet, however, because he is smooth like that. Isobel and Kuragin and Violet sit down with Count Rostoff (the man Sarah Bunting: THE WORST made cry last week) and talk about how beautiful Violet once was, and how "imperious, MAGNIFICENT" she is now. (Violet makes a great "well, I'm too modest to agree, but it would be rude to DISAGREE, and also I don't disagree" face at this). But Prince Kuragin -- a man who loves speaking in the third person -- announces that he? No. He is not what once he was. Violet asks what happened to the Princess, but Kuragin doesn't know, and there's no one left who would care -- after all, Kuragin points out, the losers in a revolution rarely get assistance.
Isobel tells him not to give up hope, and Kuragin makes all kinds of Russian-y noises about hopelessness and winter (what? I read a lot of Tolstoy once) and Violet agrees with him: "Hope is a tease, designed to prevent us accepting reality," she says. Isobel rolls her eyes at this. "You only say that to sound clever," she says. "I know," Violet responds, very calmly. "You should try it." MIC DROP.
Downton OMG JUST TALK ABOUT IT
ANNA: So.....are you worried about this police investigation into this murder? LIKE DO YOU HAVE A REASON TO WORRY ABOUT THIS?
BATES: No.
ME: OMG. JUST ASK EACH OTHER IF EITHER ONE OF YOU IS A MURDERER.
[Bates and Anna continue silently doing housework.]
Downton Memories!
Violet and Isobel have a kind of great post-workhouse postmortem, wherein we learn that Prince Kuragin asked Violet to run away with him! In 1874, I mean. Not that afternoon. "Lord Grantham gave me a Faberge frame with two pictures of the children in it, and I saw sense," she tells Isobel (but it's really all very thrilling: I feel sad that, in all likelihood, my life shall unfold without a Russian prince begging me to run away with him). Isobel notes that it's lucky that Lord G: Original Sauce revealed his true loving inner self in time. "If it was in time?" she wonders, and Maggie Smith makes the most eloquent hand flap before she speaks. "I forget," is all she says. SHE LIES.
Downton MARRY ME
And speaking of Great Romance, later Lord Merton sweeps into Isobel's drawing room and asks her to marry him, and I admit, I sort of gasped with glee when it happened. The actor who plays Lord Merton, Douglas Reith, is really great in this scene (and is wearing a lovely tweed suit), and he tells Isobel that while many men of his age marry for convenience and for comfort, HE LOVES HER. I may have squawked at Isobel, "SAY YES." Instead, she just agrees to think about it, but I think she really IS thinking about it, to her own surprise. Dr Clarkson, SPEAK NOW, or forever hold your peace!
Downton Mopey
People who won't be getting a proposal this week: POOR EDITH. Who might as well be sitting in the corner of the drawing room holding a sign that reads "SERIOUSLY, THINGS ARE SUPER BAD FOR ME RIGHT NOW: ASK ME HOW."
In fact, Cora, who rarely notices these things, actually asks Edith why she's so glum and she all but cries, "BECAUSE I GAVE MY BABY TO THE PIG FARMER AND IT'S BEEN A REAL MESS" and storms out. Oh, Edith.
Downton Dismissed
FYI: Richard E Grant is coming to stay for some trumped up reason (namely: that he's madly in love with Cora) and Robert is NOT happy about it and he's going to punish Cora by continuing to refuse to discuss boring land developments with her while she wears this underwhelming lace thing.
Downton Poor Thomas
I look forward to the plotline where Baxter and Thomas mend their fences because she walks him through his detox from heroin. In the words of J Peterman: Better pack a poncho.
Downton Kindliness
While Baxter is being nice to Thomas, who is spending all his time self-injecting and crying in his room, we FINALLY get some movement on the Michael Gregson front, and let me just note that while Robert is being a real pain to Cora, he is SO SO SO nice to Edith here and I might have gotten a little teary about it.
To wit: Germany's a real mess, but the men who "wear brown shirts and go around bullying people" are going to be on trial for a variety of offenses, including perhaps their dust-up with Gregson. Lord G is like, "yeah, Germany is full of these horrible people right now and IT WILL PROBABLY GET WORSE," before he kindly tells Edith that it's better to know the truth, finally, so that she can move on. She cries that if she doesn't know the truth about Gregson for sure, in a way, she's keeping him alive and she doesn't want to let go of that. "I don't want to put up with Mary's pity any longer than I have to," she adds, asking Lord G to keep this under his hat for the time being. "She will pity you," he says, wiping the tear from her face. "And god knows, so do I." SO DO WE ALL. SO DO WE WELL. Poor Edith.
Downton Clockwork
In which Baxter, being a kindly saint-like person, is very kind to Thomas, who continues to not tell her that he's becoming addicted to the Sweet Yam Yam. OH THOMAS.
Downton Front Row
Meanwhile, Mary is in London to go to a fashion show with Rosamund -- whose hat here is AMAZING -- and also to break up with Lord Gillingham, who, spoiler: DOES NOT TAKE IT WELL AT ALL. Note: Mary's WTF face here is the one I often feel drifting onto my own face at a variety of cracked out fashion events. Rosamund asks Mary a series of leading questions about Edith and this pig farmer whose child she's fixated upon, but Mary doesn't seem to notice that Rosamund maybe cares more about this than she would normally, presumably because she's distracted by the outfits.
Downton Runway
And before we get to Lord G's cranky break-up tanty, let's look at some of the fashions at the fashion show: I hope to God Edith wears this when she decides to go to Germany for Gregson's trial and herself gets kidnapped by proto-Nazis. (I'm just speculating.)
Downton Runway: The Return
And Edith could wear this if she gets given the newspaper when Gregson's death is confirmed and she takes over as Editor in Chief NO SPOILERS but I actually hope that DOES happen. Edith needs a job. OOH SHE CAN HIRE DAISY. You're welcome, Julian Fellowes.
Downton Runway: The Final Chapter
And no one should get married in that if they're going to look so facially funereal about it.
Downton Smirky
Which seems to be what Blake, across the runway, seems to be thinking. Blake is VERY charming in this episode, giving Mary all kinds of smirky, rogue-ish winks from across the room. All that, and he can wrangle a pig. Snap this one up!
Downton Introduces Miss Mabel Lane Fox
He also introduces her to a beautifully hatted Mabel Lane Fox -- who snappishly notes that it's not every day a girl meets the woman for whom she was jilted, and then tells Blake to try not to be such an ass. I think Mary kind of falls in love with her there, herself. ( Apparently Gillingham has a type: Cranky.) After MLF sweeps out, Mary agrees to go to dinner with Blake, "nowhere too swanky." SPOILER: Nowhere too swanky still requires white tie.
Downton Why This Isn't Suspicious At All
Whilst she was at the fashion show, Mary sent Anna off to deliver a message to Gillingham (you know, "come meet me in front of the Peter Pan statue in Kensington Gardens so I can break it off with you, blah blah blah") and she's spotted dropping by the house by this man: a plainclothes police officer. DUM DUM DUM DUM.
Downton Picadilly
Who then follows her here, to Piccadilly Circus, and who now thinks ANNA shoved Evil Valet under the lorry, just because she stood there staring out at the street with a look on her face that said, "This DOES seem like a convenient place to MURDER."
Downton Sad Panda
Meanwhile, Edith is crying into a stone wall in a hideous coat, then gets a door slammed in her face, then is told by Mr. Pig Farmer to stop "unsettling the child," so...you know. Same old, same old. Poor Edith.
Downton Library
Let us take this slide to discuss Mrs Patmore, who is still sad about her Shellshocked Nephew Archie Not Being On the War Memorial. Carson is being kind of an uptight dick about the whole thing, but when Mrs Patmore makes an eloquent speech about how Archie's shellshock was as much a war wound as losing a leg, and that his cowardice was merely a symptom of that wound, Lord G is actually really VERY sympathetic about it and tells her that HE agrees with her. We end with Daisy -- now all full of troublesome book learning and such -- offering to write a letter on Mrs Patmore's behalf to the war office, arguing her very point. I must say: I hate Sad Mrs Patmore because I LOVE HER and want her to be happy, and I also really enjoy Sassy Smart Daisy, and I expect she will go places. Especially given that Mrs. Hughes is VERY supportive of Daisy getting the hell out of service and making a real life for herself. Er, that's a paraphrase.
Downton Casual Dining
During dinner at this Swanky Not-Too-Swanky joint, Blake says he was never the type to die of a broken heart...but he DOES perk up when Mary tells him she hope Tony doesn't die either. "I wish I could work you out," he tells her. Mary sighs. "I wish I could work me out," she responds.
God, Blake is so much ZIPPIER than Gillingham -- especially in this episode, where Gillingham has the kind of reaction to being broken up with that only reinforces that Mary is right to break up with him -- that I wish the show weren't treating him like he never had a chance with Mary. He's clearly more interesting. He tells Mary she's got a way to soften the blow of the break-up, but she doesn't know what he's talking about and actually neither do I. Is he suggesting she tell Gillingham that she can't marry him because...SHE MURDERED HIS VALET?? Because any man who'd suggest "being a murderer" as an excuse to get out of marrying a whiny pillock of a man is ace in my book.
Downton Advice
In which Violet kindly tells Edith that she needs to learn to leave things behind, for her own best interest, and Edith snuffles, "MY best interest? OR THE FAMILY'S?!?!" and Violet gently notes that, to her, they are one and the same. Edith storms out just in time for Shrimpy to shrimp in and tell Violet that he may be able to help her track down Princess Kuragin, especially because she's promised not to be difficult about his divorce. (I get the impression that, although Mrs Shrimpy is the Crawley in this situation, everyone kind of agrees she's the worst. Listen: she took O'Brien off your hands! Stop complaining! Additionally, I'd like to sidebar and note that I hope O'Brien has hated India.)
Downton Faces of Concern
In which Edith and Tom are STRUCK DUMB WITH FEAR when Isobel suggests inviting Sarah Bunting: Party Killer over to dinner, and Cora -- pissy because Robert's being such a terrific pill to her -- chimes in that this is a GREAT idea and Tom should TOTALLY have her if he'd like. Tom just starts drinking heavily. Sincerely.
Downton Oh THOMAS.
In which Baxter has figured out that Thomas is "ill" and is "self-treating" but not that the thing he's self-treating is his gayness...until she finds the magazine with the ad he answered in the hallway. The antlers on the wall and I just want Thomas to find happiness with a hot dude who will keep EvilButler.com perking along more at the level of SnarkyButler.com.
Downton Divorce Chat
Shrimpy here tells Rose that he and her mother are getting a divorce (subtext: because her mother is the worst) and she tells him that now he can understand why she refuses to marry anyone unless she's madly in love with him, and she hopes her father won't force her into a match just because it's suitable or useful, and he's like, "so you're asking for a blank cheque," and she says yes, and he's basically like, "yeah, there is literally no way I have any leg to stand on when it comes to telling people whom they ought to marry." Then we all admire the library in silence for twenty minutes.
Downton Mirrors
I sincerely only included this shot because LOOK at that MIRROR it's AMAZING.
Downton Near Declarations of Love
In which Lord Grantham enters the room just in time to interrupt Richard E Grant telling Cora that if he doesn't declare his MAD LOVE for her, he'll simply BURST!!!
Robert is like, "who's going to burst what?" and REG is like, "uh, I shall BURST WITH JOY once I...er...see...these great paintings!!!" and everyone gives each other a meaningful look. Oh, Robert. If you think someone is elbowing in on your lady, BE NICER TO HER instead of being snappish. How about giving her a nice Faberge frame? Or a sweet little Gutenberg Bible? Just think about it.
Downton Hissyfits
Speaking of people who shall not be exchanging gifts anytime soon: BOY, IS GILLINGHAM MAD. He cannot BELIEVE Mary would sleep with him and then break up with him! And he does NOT wear his anger well. Even his suit looks horrible and bunchy, like his panties must surely be, judging from his inelegant response. He's all, YOU'RE INSANE and I WON'T LET THIS HAPPEN and WHAT AM I A BAD LOVER IS THAT IT? And Mary is like, "this entire thing is terribly embarrassing." And he, like, basically won't turn the key in the nuclear reactor here. He CANNOT BELIEVE that A LADY would GIVE HERSELF TO A MAN if she weren't already sure he was THE ONE and, well, this is just something they're going to have to get through! And Mary is like, WHAT THE BLAZES as Gillingham drags her off. As if the deal were not already broken: This reaction is a dealbreaker, ladies. (It is noteworthy that despite Gillingham's ability to agree that they're not getting married, Mary DOES tell Violet that she's crossed "Give Gillingham the Heave" off her to-do list. It's going to be interesting when he shows up, wanting to set a date, and she has to give him a timeout in the Downton well.)
Downton Satisfaction
Yes, yes: I didn't forget you, Molesley. Carson has been piling loads of work onto Molesley as part of his new gig as "first footman" -- which I actually had thought was only temporary until Thomas got back, and now Thomas is back, so.... I don't know exactly what the deal is here -- and now ol' Moles is like, "I don't think I want to even BE first footman, it's SO MUCH WORK," and Carson is all, MISCHIEF MANAGED. But really what I want to know is, wtf is Carson doing with that wine? Must one strain one's aged wines before serving them to impertinent schoolteachers? This wasn't in any of the books I read.
Downton WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP
OH LORD. So. Sarah Bunting: Raging Dillweed tells Tom that she can't believe they asked her back to dinner, and my reaction is NEITHER CAN WE, SARAH BUNTING, NEITHER CAN WE. Tom asks her to PLEASE BE NICE to Lord G, and she's like, "I will be, if he's nice to me," which is a complete lie, because she is a person who is rude for no reason. I am sure Count Rostoff wasn't being rude to her when she made him cry last week. Tom is like, "dude, they're nice to ME and I love them, so be cool." Spoiler: SHE IS NOT COOL. She is SO not cool. She is, in fact, the worst and shittiest dinner guest and I want to shove her down the Downton well and LEAVE HER THERE. She and Gillingham can have their snits down there in peace and quiet.
Downton Dinner Drama
Here's what happens: Isobel asks Sarah Bunting: Shirty Arse-Pain how Daisy's instructions are going and Lord G says he's heard about them and he wholly approves, as long as they're not making "her" unsettled. (I think Lord G called Daisy "her" because she was only referenced as "one of the underlings" in the course of conversation and Lord G didn't know WHICH underling was being tutored, specifically.) But Sarah Bunting: STFU goes, VERY smugly, "you don't know her name, do you?" And Tom is like "NOOOOOOO" and Mary is like, "of course he does: Daisy." And Sarah Bunting: The Worst Dinner Guest Ever goes, "well. He knows it NOW." And Lord G thunders, "I KNEW IT BEFORE" (and obviously Lord G does know Daisy's name) and then Sarah Bunting: The Un-Shut-Up-Able suggests they bring Daisy upstairs to ask her about said lessons and everyone else at the table is seriously like, "DUDE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU." Especially Carson. But Lord G tells Carson to have Daisy and Mrs Patmore to come up, and they both tell Lord G that Daisy's lessons have been wonderful for her. ("Brava," of course, is is Isobel's response.)
Downton SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!
So Lord G tells Sarah Bunting: I WANT TO MURDER that he's pleased the lessons have been so successful, and instead of quitting while she is ahead, she goes, "ARE YOU REALLY?" and everyone at the table basically CANNOT BELIEVE THIS and Mary even tells her to let it go, because she's proved her point, and Sarah Bunting: Scratchy Washcloth says, "all I've proved is that Lord Grantham would like us serfs to stay in our alloted place, from cradle to grave." And Lord G just LOSES IT and tells her to get the hell out and SHE DOESN'T. SHE DOESN'T EVEN LEAVE. SHE JUST SITS THERE. SHE IS THE WORST. And she is a liar: she was just very rude when NO ONE at all was being rude to her. NO ONE.
Downton We Told You to Please Shut Up
"Happy now?" Mary wonders, after Lord G storms out. After a beat, Violet turns to Edith and asks her if she's still writing her newspaper column AND SHE IS. (We were just wondering!) "What is the latest one about?" Violet asks, continuing to try to change the subject. Edith awkwardly notes that it's about the way the world is changing, and then EVERYONE takes a giant swig of his or her wine. Sarah Bunting: Driver Of People to Drink still sits there. YOU HAVE BEEN DISMISSED. I SAID GOODDAY.
Downton Dateline
"SO, this ANNA PERSON. Do you think SHE might be a murderer?"
[Carson and Hughes exchange doubtful looks]
Seriously, can a woman not just walk to Piccadilly Circus and gaze weirdly into the street without people wondering if she's a murderer? The policeman also tries to confirm that Anna WAS at Downton the day of the murder and Carson and Mrs Hughes are sort of squirrelly about it, but she was...wasn't she? WASN'T SHE?
Downton Tea Time
Speaking of people's whereabouts, it turns out Princess Kuragin is in Hong Kong, where many revolutionaries became "servants and taxi drivers, milliners, and prostitutes." Violet dryly notes that she will NOT suggest which of those career paths was most suited to the princess (hint: PROSTITUTE) and Isobel wonders why she's going to all this trouble if Violet dislikes her so much. "Because I owe it to her," Violet says, although she doesn't say why. I can tell you: BECAUSE SHE NAILED HER HUSBAND.
Downton Real Estate Decisions
"We don't get why you keep hanging out with Sarah Bunting; Dinner Disaster."
TOM: "TELL ME ABOUT IT. Oh, right, something about America? I dunno. Let's just deal with this next week, okay?"