Downton Train Station
So, we open just post-Edith taking a runner to London to live a life of feeding a child champagne and ice cream for dinner. Violet has called in reinforcements, meaning Aunt Rosamund, whom she meets at the train station to discuss What's To Be Done. Violet thinks they have to tell Cora. "As a mother, it is her right," Violet says, then adding -- more to the point -- that Cora will also kill them if she finds out the truth, and, more MORE to the point, that they knew and never told her. Rosamund wonders why they're not telling Lord G, and Violet sniffs, "He's a man. Men don't have rights." BOOM, right off the bat.
And the truth is that, as great as this episode is overall, Maggie Smith is PARTICULARLY good in it, with both moments of great emotionality and also of truth bombs and mic drops aplenty, including that one right at the get. Additionally: that hat on Rosamund is sincerely THE VERY WORST. She looks like a deranged bellhop.
Downton Library Awkwardness
Meanwhile, back at Downton, the weekly What's Everyone Up To This Week Roundtable is not at breakfast for once, but at tea in the library and it includes LEGIT EVERYONE except Edith, who is there not in body but as a topic of mega conversation. Before we get into that, however, some clothing notes, primarily that Rose's day dress is divine, and that Allen Leech is a beautiful creature and none of the clothes of this particular era are doing him any favors.
Anyway, everyone has the entire shocking convo about Wherever Might Edith Be in front of Blake, Gillingham, and Mabel Lane Fox, which seems incautious at best. Blake and Gillingham might be trusted to keep Crawley Secrets, but for all anyone knows, MLF will get on the phone with a gossip columnist the moment she leaves the house. Can't you all discuss this in hushed tones in deserted corners like normal people? In fact, MLF, Blake, and Gillingham all seem to be a little bit like, "Hello? Anyone? People? Are you entirely sure that it's okay that we're here -- and that you're having a HUGE dinner party tonight -- given that ONE OF YOUR DAUGHTERS HAS DONE A RUNNER?" And Lord G is like, "no, no it's fine. EVERYONE JUST ACT NATURAL. Read a Gutenberg Bible or something. Just be cool."
And It will not surprise you to hear that Mary of course doesn't give a shit about Poor Edith's whereabouts. We had a long convo in the comments last week about Mary – some of you are NOT a fan; if I recall correctly, one of you wished for a horse to step on her face, which is admirably creative as a way of dispatching a character. But I am, as you know, very pro-Mary. AND YET EVEN I think she's being a total C U Next Teatime about the entire thing. In fact, as soon as she gets all snappish about it, Blake notes that this is their cue, and he and Gillingham and MLF fairly run outside to faff about the hideous grounds of Downton.
As a matter of fact, Violet is about to drag Cora out to the garden to give her the bad news as well, except EvilButler.com pops in and tells Cora that Mrs Pig Farmer has arrived (!!) and is anxious to see her. DUM DUM DUM DUM. I KNEW Mrs Pig Farmer was going to sell Edith out, you guys! I just knew it!
Downton Hideous
HOW TRULY GROTESQUE.
Downton Carefully Framed Shot
While Rosamund and Violet are presumably throwing themselves in front of the figurative trainwreck that is Mrs Pig Farmer, MLF gets about fifty feet from the house, then decides to go inside to change. She's not a very committed stroller, I guess. After she and Gillingham have a flirtatious exchange, the boys have this whole convo wherein Blake is like, "dude, let the Mary thing die and get on the stick with MLF, because she's warm for your uptight form," and Gillingham is VERY irritatingly like, "no, no. I cannot break up with Mary NOW, not as a gentleman, it's a matter of HONOR. I CAN SAY NO MORE but if you KNEW THINGS you would understand why it's MY DUTY to marry her, after the THINGS we've done and by THINGS I mean, oh no no, I can't say," and Blake is like, "yes, you guys had a week of shaggery, I get it." (It is my duty to note that they're also wearing basically identical outfits for this little chat.) Gillingham then painstakingly mansplains that Mary doesn't REALLY want to break up with him, not REALLY. She doesn't REALLY, not after WHAT SHE'S DONE. And Blake wisely says that Gillingham is confusing Mary's inability to resist trying to make every man fall in love with her with what she literally has told him she actually wants, which is never to shag him again. Albeit not in so many words.
Downton Boot Room of Doom
Here's the scoop with the Bateses. First, they've immersed themselves in the continuing and extremely boring theme of People Should Invest in Real Estate. (Does Julian Fellowes have a condo he's trying to unload?) Bates's mom left him a house in London or something and blah blah blah they might sell it or rent it or start a hotel with the proceeds or whatever. As much as I am over Bates: Career Criminal, I am REALLY over the idea of Anna and Bates Having Lengthy Convos About Land Holdings. I suppose the point is that they're all Cozy Cuddlesome again, but FYI, later they get mad at Baxter for talking to Scotland Yard about them, and they're both thoroughly irritating about it. (I forgot to mention when it originally happened that Baxter was made to speak to them because not doing so would violate her Jewel Thief Probation. But ALSO, let's get real: Why should Baxter lie to Scotland freaking Yard for Bates and Anna??? She saw something, she said something. She told them the truth and has no motivation not to be honest. For all she knows, after all, Bates DID kill the guy. Unless SHE killed the guy. Maybe Molesley killed the guy. PLEASE let it be Molesley.)
Downton Bedroom Recriminations
OF COURSE we don't get to see the actual moment that Cora finds out that her middle child whose name she sometimes forgets was impregnated by a married newspaper man whose newspaper is now apparently a magazine, who was then killed by Nazis, leaving her to have his child in Switzerland, leave it there, GO BACK FOR it, leave it with the Pig Farmers, GO BACK FOR IT AGAIN and then run off with it. WHY would you want to show THAT scene? It's only probably fully compelling.
Anyway, fairly enough, Cora's really pissed that no one thought to tell HER anything, like, ever. Rosamund is like, "well, she wouldn't have the abortion and then what was I supposed to do?" and Violet is like, "everything would have been just FINE if Edith had STUCK TO THE PLAN." Cora is fairly dumbstruck, and no more so than when Rosamund also admits that she and Violet recently decided to MOVE THE CHILD AGAIN and Cora, FOR ONCE, catches her snap and is like, "gee, I can't imagine why she ran off after you told her that ONCE AGAIN you were taking her baby away from her." After some thought, she does agree that Robert doesn't need to know – "the secret is not ours to tell;" it's also barely a secret anymore given that 75% of people on the Downton property know it – but she thinks they MUST find Edith and figure something out. Additionally, this all but assures that Robert will find out in the most traumatic manner.
Downton Eavesdroppers
So, Baxter overhears a very questionable convo between Mrs Hughes and Mary that's essentially along the lines of, "hey, what did you do with that thing that proves that Mr Bates murdered that dude?" "I destroyed it because what else does one do with evidence of a murder?" "Weeeelllll, turns out it was evidence of his innocence." "WELL. SHIT." You know. Exactly the sort of thing you should discuss in the middle of a heavily trafficked hallway.
Later, Baxter goes to Bates and Anna – IN FRONT OF EVERYONE – and offers to swear that the ticket hadn't been used (she saw it when Mrs Hughes found it, apparently. Who remembers all these little details, honestly? Maybe season two of Serial can focus on the Murder of Mr Green.) And Bates and Anna are kind of dicks to her about it, which seems unfair. #SaveBaxter.
Downton Toasts
There are a lot of dinners in this episode and this is the one that's NOT a total shitshow. It's a full house, with the Aldridges, Gillingham, Blake, MLF, the Downtonites, Isobel, and Lord Merton, and everyone looks lovely, especially MLF who is in an amazing green beaded dress (and who basically has told Gillingham not to be a moron and to hurry up and marry her). At this non-shitshow of a meal, we learn that the sincerely wonderful Lady Sinderby (Mama Aldridge) adores Rose, and that Lord G is totally down with Rose marrying into a Jewish family, but that Papa Aldridge is a bit concerned about the religious difference between Rose and Atticus. He has a long chat with Cora about what it was like for her, growing up with a Jewish father and a Christian mother and Cora is basically like, "geez, I don't really remember anything about it," but she does point out that, unlike him, her father never changed his name. I do wonder if perhaps Rose will end up converting – after all, Charlotte York did it – and all I know is, Julian Fellows, you BETTER NOT SEND HER AND ATTICUS TO GERMANY FOR SOME MADE UP REASON BECAUSE THAT WILL STRESS ME OUT. Anyway, eventually Isobel announces that she and Lord Merton are getting married and everyone is delighted except for Violet, who seems sad. After the joyous kerfuffle dies down, Mary asks her what's the matter, and Violet says she's just worried about Edith. "I can't think why," Mary says, and rolls her eyes. Violet gives her a very sharp look: "My dear, a lack of compassion can be as vulgar as an excess of tears." MIC DROP TWO. And a well-deserved rebuke, I must admit.
Downton Drawing Room 1
After dinner, Mary suggests hosting a dinner to celebrate the engagement, and so that Lord Merton can introduce his two TERRIBLE CHILDREN to Isobel. You may recall Terrible Larry from the last time he came to Downton and was a total dick to Tom. Get ready, because he's about to be even worse!
Downton Drawing Room 2
But Atticus Aldridge continues to be the most charming and he and Rose are obviously DEEPLY smitten. "We are in the middle of a DRAMA," she whispered to him when he arrived, in a very cute moment. "Which I'll tell you all about, but you can't let on." ANNA, BATES DO TAKE NOTE. THAT is how you handle it when Mary asks you to go buy her birth control for her illicit shag-cation.
Another reason I love Atticus: he and Rose are talking about Edith at the end of the dinner table and Atticus makes the SERIOUSLY REASONABLE point that no one else thought of that, given that Edith now owns a publishing company, um, maybe they ought to call her office? Rose is like "how clever you are!" and Atticus is like, "it's totally obvious." Thank god someone practical might be finally joining this family. They also discuss which parent of their's is "the tough nut," and AA suggests they "crack them against each other." I love them and want them to be happy and if he turns out to be dillweed, I shall be MOST DISPLEASED.
After the Aldridges leave, Rose tells Cora and Rosamund and Violet all about this cunning "call Edith's office" plan, and Cora announces that she'll do one better. She's going up there. Violet announces that she will NOT go, because it will be too stressful for her. "Trust me," she says, and Cora gives her the most withering look and wonders how Violet could possibly think she'd ever trust her again. "That's the most honest thing she's ever said to me, " Violet tells Isobel once Cora storms off, and that's probably true.
Downton Too Little Too Late
GOD. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR REAL ESTATE ISSUES. Although we get to revisit the issue of Mary's cervical cap: "I don't know why she wanted it but I believe you," the Noble Bates finally announces. Dude, she wanted it so that she could have sex with someone and not get pregnant. Bates WOULD be a terrible criminal if he can't suss that out. This leads to a discussion wherein Bates wonders if there's something medical preventing them from getting pregnant, but Anna is Nobly Optimistic about the whole thing and I guess they're all in love again. I once was so into these two and now I just find their scenes together slightly annoying. I miss the Bates I once so loved, but he's so SMUG now.
Downton Isis!!!!!
At this rate, Tom is going to be making half-hearted comments about moving to America longer than I've lived here. And I was born here. The best part of this conversation is where Tom admits that he broke up with Sarah Bunting: Post-Nasal Drip because he didn't want to spend the rest of his life "in a bare-knuckle fight." I don't want Allen Leech to leave the show, but let's get a move on here, you guys. Move or do not move but for God's sake do something.
Downton Confrontations!
The good news! Everyone has on her ugliest hat for this confrontation. Rosamund and Cora are camping out at Edith's office until Edith shows up, but guess what? Edith just comes around the corner and sees them standing in reception. You guys, Edith is terrible at going into hiding. She wigs that Rosamund has told her mother the truth but come on, sugar plum. The jig was up. You were hiding in a hotel with a baby. That's not sustainable long-term.
Downton Oh Edith
Additionally, what are you even wearing, Edith? At this point, they all go off to tea to discuss what the hell they're going to do about this enormous problem that's currently crushing the spirit of approximately 56% of the people on this show. Edith says she's been thinking about going to America, which Rosamund finds ridiculous. "Why is that ridiculous? She's half American, isn't she?" Cora snaps. (I just love Snappish Cora.) Edith says she'd drop her title and invent a dead husband and be "Mrs Thing in Detroit or Chicago." Or you could have your other rich grandma come up with a plan and be yourself, AS I RECENTLY SUGGESTED. None of these fictional people listen to me.
But Edith's worried about the magazine falling into disarray without her there to shepherd it. Because apparently Edith, who hasn't done shit for the magazine in lo these many years is now the only thing keeping it afloat. But it doesn't even matter, because Cora has a plan to bring the baby back to Downton, anyway. They'll float the story that the Pig Farmers can't afford this baby anymore, and because Edith has grown very fond of her over the years, she agrees to take her in. Rosamund thinks this is INSANITY but she's overruled, even though she wisely points out that the real issue is Mrs Pig Farmer, who frankly I believe will have to be murdered in order to pull off this scheme. Edith spits that Pig Farmer can handle Mrs Pig Farmer, but I'd like to point out that HE'S NEVER DONE SO BEFORE.
Downton Don't Be So Cold
Over at the Dowager Countess's house, Spratt continues to be teeth-clenched with rage over Denker, but the real point of this scene is (a) Mary's amazing hat and (b) how terrific Maggie Smith is in it.
So, Mary tells Violet that she mustn't give in to her jealousy over the fact that Isobel was once her protégé, whom Violet protected, and now Violet is living in the "dower house" while Isobel is ensconced in one of the finest houses in the land. Maggie Smith is SO BRILLIANT here. Her entire face says a million things all at once. She admits she isn't pleased about the marriage, but not because of the reasons Mary has laid out: "If you must know, I've gotten used to having a companion. A friend. Someone to talk things over with," she says. "Isobel and I have a lot in common and…I shall miss that." It's so touching, and Violet nearly cries when she admits it. Luckily, I cannot IMAGINE that Isobel Crawley, of all people, would abandon her best friend just because she's married to some posh toff with hideous children. She's going to need Violet's help in figuring out how to murder them and get away with it, if nothing else.
Downton Babies
This scene is VERY cute – Allen Leech is very natural with the little girl playing Sybie – but it's basically CONTINUED SET-UP of Tom going back to America. We get it: He's torn. I do not BEGRUDGE this moment, because Sybie is adorable, but we have been treading so much water here, for so long, that I feel like this story is considering drowning me.
Downton Caper
ANYWAY. Part of Cora's plan to get Marigold into the house involves handing her off to Pig Farmer at the train station, but there's a whole kerfuffle when they try to pull off this caper because Mary is at the station – never hire Cora to plan your bank heist, FYI – although Cora and Edith manage to think fairly quickly on the fly. Well, Cora does. Edith is all, "I just wanted a day or two in London" to Mary and Mary is like, "I thought so," and while Cora is cool under the pressure of this lie, Edith is basically fully in the flop sweats. Luckily, Mary doesn't notice because she's...you know. Pretty self-involved sometimes.
And the real key here is that Anna notices something go down with Marigold and the Pig Farmer in the first class cabin from which Cora and Edith alighted, and she has her Suspicions. Anna seems like she could be trusted to keep her her mouth shut but she goes and blabs to Mrs Hughes, naturally, because when you've got Suspicions Of Something Terrible/Scandalous, Hughes IS the go-to. Mrs H tells Anna to MIND HER OWN BUSINESS for once, but we'll just see if that happens. (I doubt it. Maybe she'll tell Bates about THIS one and Bates will tell Lord G and many a Gutenberg Bible will be rent in feelings of BETRAYAL.)
Downton Mackage
So, Mary gets rid of Gillingham by allowing him to catch her passionlessly smashing her face against Blake's as the Downton Violins of Lady Things Twinkles in the background, a music cue I am starting to loath. This was a plan hatched by Blake and MLF, who arrives with Gillingham just in time to catch them in this madly awkward clinch. (If Blake and Mary WERE going to end up together, I'd hope this kiss wouldn't have seemed so much like Michelle Dockery being forced to gum a rice cake.) "If you'd just told me I was allowed to walk away, then I'd be gone, without any of these silly games," is Gilligham's INSANE REACTION. Mary points out that she thought she did, WHEN SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM. I can only think that he's a highly stubborn man who needs to feel like this is vaguely his idea, or that she was obtuse or SOMETHING because otherwise he's just an idiot. And MLF is like, "so...is this over now? Can we go to dinner?" And …they do. That plot line was weird. I suppose this is the only real way to get out of a love triangle that you know isn't really working, other than having Gillingham struck by lightening or something, but it was really unsatisfying. (Much like Mary and Gillingham's bang-a-thon, I guess. ZING.) We also learn in this bit that Blake is going to Poland for an unspecified but long amount of time, during which he fully expects Mary to get married. I just hope he's not still there when Hitler shows up.
Downton NEVER WEAR THIS AGAIN
So, I guess this proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Daisy wears THE UGLIEST HATS OFF DUTY. Remember this one? MY EYES. Anyway, she is finagled into a visit with Mr Mason, accompanied by Baxter and Molesley, where she is convinced to keep studying because education is power, reading is fundamental, children are our future, etc. Also, we're all just treading water until Baxter and Molesley enter into a passionless marriage of mutual respect and very little nudity. Now you're all caught up.
Downton Scheming
AT LAST, it is agreed that Downton shall house poor "unwanted" Marigold. Lord G seems to think this is nutty and clearly has some notes, but he's distracted because...and I hope you're sitting down for this... ISIS HAS CANCER AND IS TO DIE. Thomas carries her in wrapped in a blanket and everything, and basically even though I knew this was surely coming, IT IS THE WORST.
On the Marigold front, Mary wonders why Edith doesn't just give the Pig Farmers some money so they can keep their own child, and Edith and Cora exchange looks that say, "SHIT, we didn't think of this really obvious objection," and Cora makes up some BS about how Marigold is also too much work. "That seems a bit feeble," Rose notes, and that applies to their cover story as much as anything else. I think we can all agree that this is going to blow up spectacularly, yes? Yes.
Downon Assholes
Speaking of blowing up spectacularly, the time has come for THE BIGGEST SHITSHOW DINNER in an entire season of them. This scene was actually really compelling and good and ultimately highly satisfying. So. Larry and The Other Merton Brother (let's call him Daryl) are total assholes. Not to put too fine a point on it. For example, at one point, Daryl sniffs that an orphan is totally going to torpedo Edith's chances of ever landing a man because no one will want to take on someone else's child. Larry asks Rose and Atticus how they plan to raise their hypothetical children and notes that a difference in religion is why most marriages fail. He then points out that his father and Isobel's marriage is also totally doomed because of their wide disparity in class.
Downton Dismay
It is at this point that everyone at the table – Edith looks the best she's ever looked, btw – gives Larry a look that says, wow, you are a TOTAL UNMITIGATED DOUCHEPIPE, and that's coming from a bunch of people who had multiple meals with Sarah Bunting. I would be trapped in an elevator with Sarah Bunting: Not THIS Bad for twelve hours rather than fifteen minutes with Larry. He is the worst dinner guest Downton has EVER HAD, including the one who had to go and die in Mary's bed.
Downton Hurt
Next, Larry: Assface announces that he doesn't think a "nice middle class woman" like Isobel can begin to hope to fill his mother's shoes as a great lady of the county. "Is she capable of it?" that asshole narrates, while Isobel gives him this look. "Or will her INEVITABLE FAILURE PROVE A SOURCE OF MISERY TO THEM BOTH??"
Lord G, who must be really sick of people being incredibly rude at dinner, here reminds Larry quite icily that Isobel's son Matthew was his heir, and Larry goes, "everyone has distant cousins who are fairly odd," and Lord G is all HOW DARE YOU, and I am all, "DO NOT BESMIRCH MATTHEW!" and Lord M tells Larry to leave because he's such A TOTAL DICK (a paraphrase), and then Larry actually says, "I know the choice of in-laws is eccentric in this family. You already boast a chauffeur and soon you can claim a Jew."
Downton Disapproval
At this, Violet makes this VERY ENRAGED/DISGUSTED face, and Atticus and Rose take hands under the table and then best thing happens...
Downton RAGE
...And that is that Tom stands up and goes, "Why don't you just get out, YOU BASTARD!" And I totally clapped my hands with glee. That bastard had it coming. In fact, that bastard goes, "well, if that's how you feel," and looks around as if for support (!!!) and then Robert says, "I do not enorse Tom's language, but that is CERTAINLY how we all feel." And that bastard leaves, and everyone looks unsettled. Dinner parties at Downton are now officially The Worst, I think. I mean, how could it get worse? Is Atticus going to stab Violet to death?
"What did you imagine?" Darryl drawls to Isobel once Larry is gone. "That we would welcome you with open arms?" Personally, I honestly hope the Nazis get them both. At the very least, I hope Lord Merton disowns them.
Downton Aerial
Everyone leaves early, as you would imagine, but this terrible evening brings with it THE RETURN OF THE AERIAL SHOT INTO THE GALLERY.
Downton Squee
And Rose and Atticus sort of sneak off after dinner in the shadows and it's all very romantic. "What a memorable evening," Rose notes, very tactfully, and Atticus suggests that they remember it for two reasons:, one bad, one good. And the good one is that it is also the evening upon which they become engaged. He gets down on one knee and everything. "Rose, darling Rose," Atticus says. "Will you marry me? " She worries that maybe this is too fast. "We both know we're going to get married in the end. We both know we're right together," Atticus tells her, and Rose very enthusiastically agrees, and there is kissing, and it is lovely. I very sincerely hope the rug doesn't get pulled out from under us on this one. CAN'T WE JUST BE HAPPY, JULIAN FELLOWS?
Downton Downer
Everyone else is totally miserable, though, and why wouldn't they be? Lord M weakly says that they'll laugh about this one day, but Isobel tells him she can't talk about this tonight, "nor for some time to come," as Darryl stomps in and LITERALLY COMPLAINS THAT THEY'VE LEFT LARRY IN THE CAR THIS WHOLE TIME. I hope Larry dies of carbon monoxide poisoning in that car! We shall dump his body down the well and we shall leave it there! I also hope Lord M has a very, very good will because once he kicks it – if this marriage happens – then Larry is going to toss Isobel's ass out of the house so very fast. (At least she can always go live with Violet.) Because Isobel is nice, she excuses Larry (kind of) by noting that he just misses his mother. Lord Merton says, "[Larry and Daryl] both take after her…and she was a total bitch." Albeit not in so many words.
Downton Even MORE of a Downer
And then, at the end, Robert comes into the bedroom cradling the dog, and tells Cora that he doesn't want Isis to die alone, and so Cora has him lie Isis down between them. "Two people who love her and each other very much are by her side. I only hope I can say the same when my time comes," Cora says, and YES I CRIED WHEN THE DOG DIED. I am made but of flesh and blood, you guys. I cried thinking about it again when I wrote this recap, and then again when I proofread it. I MIGHT BE CRYING RIGHT NOW.