You Are Not Imagining This Empire
Let's skip well ahead, because I HAVE TO open with this suit. It is compulsory. It's egregious enough that I've kept it away from you this long. For yes, your eyes do not deceive: HAKEEM IS WEARING A SUIT WITH MONEY ON IT. Seriously. I SEE THE QUEEN ON HIS BREAST.
Also, in some shots, that cane looked like a chicken drumstick -- like he was just casually sitting around the office in his money suit snacking on some poultry. As you do. Lord Grantham did this ALL THE TIME once his children all had other things to do and he got bored.
Broom Empire
OKAY, back to rough chronology. Last time, Hakeem betrayed Cookie's wishes and voted to oust Lucious from Empire. When he goes home to his apartment, she is waiting for him WITH A BROOM ON HER LAP, like a boss. A demented prison boss who knows the pain of a makeshift weapon, but a boss nonetheless. I also enjoy that Cookie HAS a gun, somewhere, and there are presumably all kinds of other things in this apartment, but she walked right in there and thought, "Broom handle. Done. So I can SWEEP HIM OFF HIS ASS."
And she does. It's... actually really uncomfortable to watch. She FULL-ON CLUBS HIM and then when he tries to crawl away, she swaps in her purse and starts beating him with it. You can take the Cookie out of prison...
Massive Head Wound Empire
Rhonda has been shoved down the stairs by a mystery assailant. We all assume it's Anika, but it isn't OFFICIAL, I don't think. Rhonda does blearily turn her head and see the blurry image of a red-soled Louboutin flat -- Christian Louboutin: The shoe of baby-murdering cat burglars -- but she passes out quickly. Then she wakes up again, crawls to her phone only to see it's been shattered, and wisely hurls a shoe at the window so that it sets off the alarm. Then she prays for God to kill her and save the baby. I already spoiled you a second ago on the fact that this prayer does not work.
Rage Empire
Everyone is waiting for Andre to get to the hospital -- even Hakeem, though Cookie shooed him away from everyone because they temporarily hate him -- and then they proceed to do the worst TV job ever in communicating to Andre what the deal is. Finally it's made clear that Rhonda is alive but the baby died, and he immediately starts screaming and crying and says he wants to see Rhonda. They physically restrain him and wrestle him to the floor. So what do we see next?
Sad Empire
Andre, visiting Rhonda. Maybe if they'd just let him walk into her room they could've spared themselves some bruises. (I'm sure they just didn't want her to see him in that state, or there was some medical reason she wasn't accepting visitors and I blocked it out because of all the Acting, but whatever.)
Rhonda tells Andre that she asked God to spare the baby in exchange for her, and the fact that it didn't work means that there is no God. Andre is like, "No, it means God spared YOU," and she's like, "NOPE, NO GOD, SORRY."
I'm also astonished at the number of people who immediately said, "You'll have another one!" Like, the FIRST thing out of Cookie's mouth was that they can try again and have another one soon. I feel like whoever wrote this episode has never known anyone who lost a baby. It is not helpful to say, "Oh, well, YOU CAN REPLACE IT WITH ANOTHER ONE SOON ENOUGH." No. I'm sure people say it all the time, and yeah, there's merits to pulling oneself up by the bootstraps, but... especially with a late-term traumatic death like this one, you just ... don't say that. Certainly WHILE you are breaking the news.
Cuddle Empire
These two come together briefly to mourn -- it's unclear who is sadder about what, the loss of the grandchild or the loss of the company. Lucious, of course, starts manhandling a gun and announcing he's going to murder Hakeem, because THAT'S helpful. What are you, Mr. Bates?
Cookie convinces him to wait 48 hours before murdering their son, so that she can infiltrate and blah blah blah.
Duo Empire
Naomi Campbell looks GORGEOUS while purring her way through all her scenes. She wants to install Hakeem as CEO and have him dump Laura and become her concubine or whatever, and because he has the spine of a very small jellyfish, he's like, "Yeah, probably."
Boring Empire
All he does anymore is stand on stages, smile adorably, and then sing something mediocre. NEXT.
This Guy Empire
William Fichtner confronts Jamal about whether he's sleeping with Alicia Keys, or is gay, or what, and implies that he's of no use if he is not truly homosexual. He is also putting on the WEIRDEST mannerisms. It's not... they're really subtle, but I feel like if William Fichtner is not gay in real life, then any and all of his gay friends should call him up right now and be like, "Do you really think gay men are all... that... slithery?"
Parenting Empire
Cookie looks deliciously dramatic while telling Jamal to please consider being more gay again. He gives her a pretty speech about bisexuality, and explains that he can have sex with a lady if he wants to and it doesn't have to mean anything, but Cookie doesn't care. She wants him back in the gay saddle pronto.
Whatever Empire
Jamal responds to this at some music event (honoring his blah blah nomination blah) by saying he will perform a brand new song he just wrote. It's all about how he has the freedom to be whatever he wants, because sexuality is fluid, and he performs it WITH INTRICATE CHOREOGRAPHY. Empire's perceptions of how long it takes to write and record a song, then teach your dancers what to do while also learning your own damn self are fascinating. I should write a song about it. If I stop and do that RIGHT NOW, I apparently could be performing it on MTV in five minutes.
Fake Empire
THIS SCENE. Grace Gealey killed it. If it turns out Anika did NOT shove Rhonda down the stairs, I will be weirdly sad, because if you assume she DID then this scene was so nicely done. Poor Rhonda is reading a magazine and being sad about her miscarriage -- sort of; she's a LITTLE cavalier about how everyone's so sad there is no heir -- and Anika just swans in looking divine, with just the right level of concern that Rhonda believes it but we all find it hollow. She says uber-supportive things like, "There will be another heir. I KNOW IT," which all have sinister undertones because we're meant to think she engineered this so that her baby with Hakeem is the true heir. It's just good. I laughed. Crazy Anika is a good damn time.
Fire Empire
Empire needs a new CEO. Lucious unleashes the thunder on all the candidates, although he does thoughtfully tell his henchmen -- his former prison gang, and Thirsty Rawlings -- not to kill anyone. So they blow up a dude's car, murder a lady's cat and then hang the corpse in the hallway, and beat the hell out of Jago Locke, the dude who owned the streaming company Empire bought -- the one that started this whole takeover. Every domino falls except for Hakeem.
Model Empire
Perfection.
Boardroom Empire
With all the other players out of the running, Hakeem ascends to CEO of Empire -- I think this works to Lucious's advantage because they think Hakeem is a less competent choice and thus easier mark? -- and he celebrates by wandering up and down the dining table like it's a Top Model challenge, explaining that he's claiming what's his. EVERYONE at that table is mentally tweeting, "Another Lyon blabbing about destiny and what's rightfully his. #GoodLuckWithThat."
Whaaaaat Empire
Cookie has a scene in which she sadly tells her sons she miscarried a daughter and how sad it was (but then she's like, "OH, but then I had you three and now I'm fine," which... sigh). And it's bad enough that this shirt exists in the first place, much less that anyone would choose to put it on her in any situation. But for an ostensibly moving scene with a sad confession and a dose of grief, it is VERY STRANGE that she is wearing something assembled from an old napkin and the matching covers that go over the arms of your mom's new sofa.
OH BUT THEN THIS HAPPENED EMPIRE
AND HERE IS MONEY SUIT. Camilla's green dress -- GREEN LIKE DOLLAR BILLS -- is also striking, but... you guys, it's a FULL SUIT printed with currency, worn on his first full day as CEO of Empire. This show does not gently seduce Subtlety; it takes it out back behind the woodshed and impregnates it during the big game.
Zzz Empire
Hakeem, meanwhile, loudly and cruelly dumped Laura. All the drama sent her bandmates scattering, so now she's recording alone in Cookie's studio. We need to discuss why Cookie's PROFESSIONAL RECORDING STUDIO is just walls of bookshelves. This seems like a really weak acoustic decision. Also "Weak Acoustic Decision" is going to be the name of my next band. Because it will speak truth.
Anyhoo, don't feel too bad for Laura. Once Hakeem is in charge, he finds her and tells her that once he got what he thought he wanted, all he could think about was her. These two have great musical talent, but as performers in a scene together, it's like watching two leaves that fell off your tree try to have an emotional moment together.
Virginity Empire
At any rate, Laura's virginity dies a poorly thought-out death. Hakeem even stops halfway thorough and says, "We shouldn't do this," and she's like, "YES WE SHOULD." Honey, if he is hesitating, this is not going to end well for you. I hope it ends in dueling Hakeem babies.
Silhouette Empire
Lucious calls Hakeem to the river in the dead of night, and Hakeem stupidly does not bring anyone WITH him, even though he knows his father is a freaking lunatic. Lucious whips out a gun and explains that they're standing in the same spot where he murdered his best friend, then hands Hakeem the gun and tells him to use it on Lucious, because if he doesn't then Lucious will WANT TO MURDER so very badly. Hakeem makes a good show of it, but we all know he won't pull the trigger, and he at least has the good grace to lob the gun back at Lucious and effectively be like, "Nice try, doucheface." Do you need a valet, Lucious? I know of one who will align with your interests.