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# Fug the Show: Empire recap, season 2, episode 3
- URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-empire-recap-season-2-episode-3/
- Published: 2015-10-09T05:05:48.000Z
- Updated: 2015-10-10T17:54:41.000Z
- Author: Heather
- Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:44

## empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-1

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-1.png)

Never let it be said that Cookie doesn't know how to make an entrance. She shows up as Hakeem is rolling out of the sack with Valentina, and he considers hiding his golden bong, but decides against it. (Not a euphemism. You can see his golden bong sitting on the table on the right.)

## Laces Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-2.png)

This is the obligatory exposition where Cookie tells Hakeem that Lucious is a free man, and Hakeem's reaction is more like, "Aw, nuts," than anything else (let's write that off to a choice to make Hakeem a little stoned). Cookie has him set up for a performance on an influential radio station, which presumably is why she's swanning in there dressed like the world's most ornate high-top sneaker.

## Jailbird Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-3.png)

Meanwhile, Lucious is walking free but learning that a condition of his bail is that he can't set foot inside Empire. But Jamal points out that Lucious can talk to the people waiting outside for him: "They can't stop a king from speaking to his subjects." Lucious stops and purrs, "Blasphemy. I'm a GOD." Which is almost as great a line as the time Erin Andrews told me she is "really great at self-deprecating." He gives a blowhardy speech to the ten people there all about how Empire is going to rule the entire music business pretty soon. I read somewhere that Taraji P. Henson is supposedly annoyed that Terrence Howard is behaving like a complete egomaniac, but that everyone else loves it because it's making the drama that much better. I could totally see Terrence Howard as being the kind of person who forgets what the lines are between himself and his character, and I could TOTALLY see Taraji as having no patience for fools, although why she tolerated him up to this point is a mystery. She DOES bring out his best acting, though, I will say that.

## Subtle Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-4.png)

D.A. Melonious Chest, meanwhile, is skulking around in a sensible gold sedan, trying to catch Lucious doing something wrong. This seems like an extremely problematic waste of her time, and also, that thing has to be a gas guzzler. Think of the planet.

## Hakeempire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-5.png)

Then we cut to a full Hakeem performance, and he's dancing and doing moves and giving it his ALL...

## Sway Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-7.png)

... inside a tiny radio studio. Maybe artists do this, but it looks RIDICULOUS, even if also better for TV than having him sit at a giant microphone. This host, by the way, is named Sway, and he DOES have a Sirius radio show but I don't know if it's THIS show; I don't think it is? Regardless: He's promoting his leaked album and also the Lyon Dynasty record label, and his new girl band. Are you ready to hear the name? I'm not sure you will ever be ready. Maybe I won't tell you.

## Gold Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-6.png)

I will, though. It's called MIRAGE A TROIS. MIRAGE A TROIS. I AM SO SURE. Cookie vetoed Rainbow Sensation -- correctly -- but decided MIRAGE A TROIS was livable? I just included this picture so that you know she and Jessica have the same iPhone cover, which proves that they are soulmates.

## Dinner Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-9.png)

Lucious invites the family to a meal, as a way of trying to get them all back on the same page. By which he means: Everyone give up what they're working on, under the pretense that as soon as they do he will forgive them and stop plotting everyone's ruin. This is patently a lie, I'm sure, but he's trying. "I know y'all can't eat without me because all y'all got is pride, and it's chewy and it's hard to swallow," he says. Yes, but so are four saltines in under a minute, but once they're in, I'm not spitting them out. Know what I mean? (Good, because I'm not sure I do.)

## Polka Dot Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-8.png)

"You got me twisted, OG. I'm always gonna eat. Just not with you," says Cookie, looking terrifically Dynasty in this shot. Like look at the HAIR HEIGHT here. If she opened her mouth and said something in a British accent about South China Sea oil leases, I'd be like, "Okay."

## Messpire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-10.png)

And then Cookie gets up and leaves, dragging the table runner with her, which has all the food clattering to the floor. Lucious doesn't bat an eye, but Rhonda -- poor Rhonda, who has NOTHING TO DO EVER AT ALL, except eventually gestate this grandchild -- grabs at her hair and gasps, to make the most of having a fraction of a second of screen time. Also, she's not incorrect. Some of that was probably really good. But Rhonda, the five-second rule can be expanded to ten when you're in a marble-floored manse. I promise. GO GET THE BEEF. (Also not a euphemism.)(Depending on the beef.)

## Purple Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-11.png)

Lucious summons Anika to a meeting at his club, which is called Levicticus, which is appropriate given that it's the book in the Bible all about rules and the law and things (stuff that Lucious breaks as easily as he breathes). This part is gross. He essentially opens with, "If you wanted a go at my boy, you should've asked. I want the best for him." EXCUSE ME. I know he's just needling her and he wouldn't ACTUALLY have welcomed her saying, "Hey, honey, you know what, can I nail your son real fast like a hammer to a board? He's CUTE. I'll shower after and be back before you know it." But of course Lucious has to take it someplace gross, because he is quite a hideous human being. (And thus, intriguing TV.)

Anyway Anika says Hakeem isn't her type, but that "you had it coming." Does anyone REALLY have that coming? No pun intended. Man, this show brings out the accidental worst in me in terms of wordplay.

ANYWAY: Lucious wants Anika to stab Team Cookie in the back, which he knows she's willing to do because she showed up for their meeting in the first place. She looks tremendous in purple. The end.

## Hip Chain Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-13.png)

Cookie is having trouble managing the egos of MIRAGE A TROIS, led of course by a pouty Valentina who has agreed to be in this group even though she clearly wants to go solo. I would punch a table if I had to deal with this child and her high-rise denim.

Valentina also gets really pouty with Hakeem to try and get her way. Your first clue that none of the other girls will be around long is that they barely have anything to do or say, and they're also Left Mirage and Right Mirage, kind of like how Beyonce usually seemed to stand in the middle in Destiny's Child. I guess that worked out for her, though.

## Zebra Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-12.png)

She looks like a particularly PREDATORY zebra. In a way that I like, obviously. She also dismissively refers to Valentina as "Guadalupe." It's always interesting to me which shows can get away with pushing envelopes like that and which ones can't. I think in this case, the inappropriateness and brashness is so baked into Cookie as a character, and you can ascribe ANYTHING to, "Well, she DID spend eighteen years in prison."

## Martini Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-14.png)

I never pegged Lucious as t-shirt guy OR the kind of person to drink a martini, although him taking it dirty seems appropriate. He has lunch with Andre, who has just watched Working Girl and so is proposing that Lucious diversify by purchasing a large network of urban radio stations. Andre again repeats his argument that he should be allowed back into Empire because he's bringing solid business ideas to the table and he's being humble and apologetic. Lucious is like, "Eh, you bring me nothing I couldn't get from a hundred other MBAs," and so Andre has to skulk back home on the ferry, where he will walk in on Alec Baldwin shagging the neighbor, and take his electric blue eye pencil and GO.

## Rock Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-15.png)

Remember Chris Rock's kid? Well, Lucious has Jamal meeting with her to get her signed, but she brings an army of thugs with her - Jamal's words, basically -- who insist the contract is bullshit and so she storms out. Jamal isn't sorry to see her go, because Lucious has said "she is everything to me musically," and Jamal is like, "BUT WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE."

Lucious is furious and says, "Hakeem would've signed her," because Lucious will ALWAYS treat his closest son -- whichever one it happens to be at the time -- like he's only there by default.

## Slacks Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-17.png)

Last week: tweed. This week, sensible business pants. But don't worry. Cookie goes FULL NUTS later. Here, Anika is kind of offering herself as a spy. She tells Cookie it's important to her to hurt Lucious and that Lucious is hoping Anika will steal all Cookie's songs -- "jack your track" -- so he can alter them slightly and then beat her to market, thus ruining her chances. When Anika insists she PASSIONATELY wants to see Lucious SUFFER, Cookie warms up to her a little. She's so easy.

## Pitbull Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-18.png)

Why, yes, that IS Your Friend's Creepy Uncle Who Is Way Way Too Into Giving You Tequila. But don't worry. This party is getting crashed...

## Bustier Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-20.png)

... because Cookie, who has a portable smoke machine and can hack into a lighting board to make it turn red, storms the stage and announces a surprise performance by Hakeem. (He performs a rap he wrote like an hour ago about how the Lyon Dynasty is in command now and the Empire is over.) And OF COURSE for the occasion Cookie has put in a giant golden crimped wig, so that she looks like freaking Battlefield Earth.

## Gold Rope Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-19.png)

But at least her bracelet matches her bustier.

## Creepy Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-21.png)

But then Your Friend's Creepy Uncle grabs her arm -- like, twice, and kind of aggressively, to the point where it played almost like Taraji wanted to punch him in the pitbulls -- and tells her that not only does he welcome her artists at his festivals (or whatever), but that she could have a stage of her own. Her face is like, "Great, thanks, get your hand out of my jar."

## Kaleidoscope Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-22.png)

This shirt is great. But please, everyone, appreciate that Porsha in the background there looks like the sixth member of Yo Gabba Gabba.

## Grandmother Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-23.png)

Andre tells Cookie that Rhonda is pregnant, and she is thrilled, in her extremely sensible and un-Cookie-like khakis. Andre repeats -- AGAIN, WE GET IT -- that Empire is in his blood and he belongs there, but he can't get back in. Cookie points out that a grandchild is exactly what Lucious would want, because it's all about propagating the legacy. Andre doesn't want to use his unborn child to get what he wants out of Lucious, but she advises, "Sometimes you gotta pull at those heartstrings to get paid."

## Jerkface Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-24.png)

Lucious doesn't care, though. Well, I mean, he hugs Andre. But his first reaction is to wonder why Andre isn't worried about passing along his mental illness. "Bipolar doesn't run in the family," Andre replies, as Lucious flashes back to his mother during a manic episode and the subsequent crash. Lucious growls, "It's breaking my heart, the fact that you are using this right now to get what you want from me." Andre insists he's just trying to point out that there's a lot at stake for him now, but Lucious doesn't care, and kicks him out. Lucious seriously only wants what he can't have. He didn't want Jamal until Jamal went with Cookie, and now he wants Hakeem because HE is with Cookie, and doesn't want Andre because Andre is prostrating himself and that's too easy. At this point I don't understand why Andre thinks Empire is "in his blood" any more than Cookie's company would be. Also lots of shitty things can be in your blood. Let it pass, maybe, Andre. AT THE VERY LEAST, move on so that we don't get the exact same scene every week.

## D.A. Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-27.png)

Lucious nearly get caught in some gunplay when he tries to rescue that girl Freida from a rap battle gone wrong. She bolts and won't let him help her, so instead, he comes face to face with D.A. Melonious Chest, who refuses to cover them up when she's on the clock but is all high-necked ruffle blouses in her off hours.

Anyway, Melonious then proceeds to monologue at Lucious, because she is AN IDIOT. First she stalks him all around town in a series of giant sedans, and then she CONFRONTS HIM IN A DARK ALLEY, BY HERSELF, to remind him that she's watching, and then tell him that she's planning to dig into him until she has eleventy million other charges on him besides murder. YOU DON'T TELL YOUR OPPONENT WHAT YOUR NEXT PLAY IS, CHEST. BE SMARTER. BE STEALTH. I wouldn't vote for her for State's Attorney or PTA president or block captain of my Neighborhood Watch.

## Precious Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-26.png)

Gabourey gets a nice lecture here for Jamal about how the reason he's rejecting every producer Lucious sends his way is because he really just wants Cookie. I enjoy how aggravated she gets about how immature and egomaniacal these people are. She is totally the voice of reason on this show, which sadly means she only ever gets like one short speech per week, because Empire does not actually want to speak too much logic.

## Cane Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-29.png)

This, however, is the best. Cookie is trying to whip MIRAGE A TROIS into choreographed shape... FOR A RADIO PERFORMANCE. She keeps insisting they're going to crash and burn if they don't get the moves right -- moves that no one will see because radios still don't come with pictures. However, it's worth it for Cookie whacking a cane on the ground and waving it around in frustration. Hakeem is impressed she's got the girls working together after they were squabbling earlier. "Where'd you learn this from?" he asks. "Prison," she says without missing a beat.

## My New Avatar Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-28.png)

I'm going to set my husband's phone so that this shows up every time I call him.

## Paternal Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-31.png)

Lucious gets wind that Jamal might be going to Cookie for help. Naturally, this means Jamal is instantly more interesting to him, so he lassos his son back in with a promise to produce Jamal's album himself. "You need a GOD," he says. Jamal insists he wants to be a superstar. Bigger than Freida or anyone else Lucious wants to sign. Lucious agrees, but clearly this is going to go pear-shaped somewhere. Jamal hasn't reminded us in a while that Lucious once threw him in a garbage can for wearing one of Cookie's dresses, so surely that's coming back soon.

## C3PO Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-32.png)

Because the C in C3PO stands for "Cookie."

## Hoodwinked Empire

![empire season 2 episode 3 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-33.png)

Lucious shows up at MIRAGE A TROIS's radio interview and shreds it: He's not only signed Valentina for himself, but he bought the radio network -- basically, he took Andre's idea even though he belittled Andre for bringing him something so basic and small. He insists he'll cut off all channels for Cookie to promote her artists, and then sits back in satisfaction as Valentina sings something that she would've had to memorize in about ten minutes in the limo. Also, is it even legal for a record company to own radio stations? I know they often pay places heavily to put certain singles in rotation -- whether that's on the books or off -- but this kind of a deal, this kind of control, would get rejected by regulators in a heartbeat wouldn't it? Maybe Lucious can explain it to me through song. I have about five more minutes to kill and that's all he ever needs.

[Fug the Show: Empire recap, season 2, episode 3This week's best lines: 1\. "You couldn't find a C Major if it was right in between your legs. WHICH IT AIN'T." 2\. "Blasphemy. I'm GOD." 3\. "I doubt if Jesus Christ could save you without burning his hands." 4\. "You've always been a little dirty. Why not get a reward for it?" 5\. " ." (This one courtesy of Rhonda, who actually had zero words to speak but did sort of open her mouth once real fast.)![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-1.png)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-empire-recap-season-2-episode-3-10-2015/)