Fed Empire
So, it would seem that the D.A. has decided she has enough to get a federal warrant to search Empire, Lucious's mansion, and Cookie's new headquarters. I know I don't pay that much attention to the minutiae on this show, but I really don't recall there being even a HINT of enough evidence against Lucious for this, given that D.A. Melonious Chest was trying to force him to make a deal with her and the only witness the have is Vernon -- who we know is dead, and thus, we also know the D.A. has lost him. But whatever. I am pretty sure the writing staff is sitting around going, "Oh, whatever, just roll with it."
By the way, those are Anika's nails. She breaks the news of the Empire raid to Cookie, shortly after YET ANOTHER scene of Anika asking for a chance and Cookie basically telling her that the dessert buffet is closed. "Mom. It's the music business. You can't trust ANYBODY. My own dad tried to kill my girl group," Hakeem says, as a way of arguing to give Anika a chance. Cookie won't. Anika is such a floater at this point. Please someone give her a purpose. This show needs not to freeze out its other players. The repetitiveness of "You're a SNAKE, LUCIOUS" and "COME HOME, SON" and "LET ME BACK INTO EMPIRE" and "We're FAMILY" is tiresome.
Rosie Empire
And of course, Cookie is working a Rosie the Riveter aesthetic while she's trying to muscle her company into existence. I mean, she IS at war.
SERIOUSLY?!? Empire
And D.A. Melonious Chest brings her favorite guests to the party when she raids Lucious's house. Thirsty Rawlings has already warned Lucious, though (and in a great move, they have him cite a totally made-up rule to D.A. Chest -- which she calls him on, and he admits -- in a vain attempt to keep her outside), so Mr. Lyon wanders out into the foyer naked and grinning, and coos, "Hi there, baby. Look wherever you'd like." Melonious looks disgusted, assuming she can see at all over her Lady Alps. I really, really, really feel like this show is unsubtly barreling toward some extremely dirty hate sex.
Mona Lisa Vito Empire
So, Mimi Whiteman and her Surname of Subtlety is at Empire telling everyone that they ought to lay low, cancel the Rolling Stone cover story on Jamal, and basically support Lucious by showing up to work and doing as little as possible. I feel like in real life Marisa is about as edgy as a slice of Provolone, and it shows...
Dork Empire
... because, while you might think this face is just an accident of timing, it is NOT. Lucious comes in and delivers a whole speech about how "hip hop wasn't born on Wall Street. Where we come from, if the cops raid your house, that makes you a G. If the feds raid your house, that makes you an O.G. It gets you the street cred, the ghetto pass. The public perception is that we are so rare, so dangerous, even the FBI wants to shut us down." And as Marisa listens, she starts to nod, and then she hunches her shoulders and dips her neck and sort of swivels her head around in what she may imagine is some kind of groove? It's SO AWKWARD, made worse when she yelps, "THIS is how PLAYAS play to WIIIIN," before high-fiving Lucious. I watched it like ten times trying to get this exact shot, and it was excruciating. And I can't TELL if it's supposed to be excruciating because everyone AROUND her -- whom I would normally look to for a reaction shot indicating that they are just using Mimi Whiteman for cash and think she is a total poser -- seems to think she's the jam.
Lucious concludes with, "This isn't when we hide. This is when we ROAR." This show CANNOT relax with the "lion" allusions. Pretty soon he'll be naming his grandson "Aslan."
Andre Empire
Thirsty tells everyone that they just need to hang tight and be loyal to each other until the Feds go away, while they all track down Vernon and convince him not to testify. (Lucious also smoothly promises Hakeem he didn't lay a hand on Bunky, which is only true in the technical sense, because he did lay a bullet straight into him.) Later, Andre cryptically asks Lucious if he could get back in at Empire if he made this all go away. Lucious chortles that Andre can have anything he wants if he gets that done, but then his face falls when Andre looks a little too pleased with this. His wheels have started turning, and they are setting his internal alarm to Let's Give My Dad A Corpse O'Clock.
Yes Empire
This outfit is everything. Seriously, in this, I suddenly want DESPERATELY for her to cross over with The Good Wife and go toe to toe with Diane Lockhart -- or better, hire Diane and BURN DOWN THE EMPIRE. The two of them would shred him into some delicious soft tacos.
Shoe Empire
You also need to know that her pink shoes are great. So is the banter in this scene. Cookie tries to strike a deal: Lucious lets her artists back on his Apex urban radio stations, stops poaching her artists, and doesn't try to steal her master recordings. In exchange, she'll let Hakeem do a video with Jamal, professing unity between the warring factions. Lucious won't do it because he claims he's trying to turn Hakeem into a man: "If he wants radio enough, he'll find a way to get back on it." Uh-huh. Lucious is so infuriatingly macho. He was more interesting when he was dying.
But this is great: So, Lucious tries to mess with Cookie's ability to trust Anika. "I don't know who the biggest snake is, you or her," Cookie says. Lucious mocks her for still being in business with Anika, and then this happens:
Cookie: [grunts in irritation, gets up to leave while muttering to herself]
Lucious: Oooooh Grandma Moses just shut up for the first time.
Cookie: Call me that again, I'll snatch your tongue out of your throat.
Lucious: Grandma.
Cookie: Grandpa.
Lucious: GRANDMA.
Cookie: Shut up. Look at your fat stomach. ... [later, spanks own rear] Tell me I'm a grandma when I've got an ass like this.
I think the best part of all that is that the "Grandma Moses" reference makes no sense except to needle her about Andre's baby. It's like teasing someone about becoming an uncle by calling them "Uncle Sam."
Pier 1 Empire
Jamal is doing a shoot in front of this ridiculous set -- while wearing a robe -- for his new album that Lucious is producing. The photographer decides it's ruining his soul, and he's right, because it looks more like a catalog for Pier 1 Imports' fall decor ("You look like Lady Liberty," he said), so he has Jamal play some music and then photographs him while murmuring about how beautiful he is. "I WANT TO BE INSIDE YOU," is his direction, which feels like something you say if you only just learned English from watching porn, thinking it was a documentary (like the plot of Galaxy Quest, but with no aliens... well, depending on the porn). Jamal's boyfriend offers some SERIOUS WTF face in reaction to this audio daily double. In fact the whole episode plays like Michael is somehow threatened by Jamal's relationship to, or appreciation for, this artist. I mean, maybe it's that he's realizing again that the world is about to worship Jamal in a similar way, but... well, it plays like basic jealousy, and that's crazy because Hot Michael is Hot Michael, and the photog...
Green Empire
... is this guy. I mean, I genuinely thought this was Tom Green for a second. (it is not.) Jamal is NOT leaving Hot Michael for DISCOUNT TOM GREEN.
Trailer Empire
Lucious tries to lure Hakeem back by saying he wrote a beat just for him, and constantly goading him about whether Cookie is too flaky and flighty to pay him appropriate attention. Hakeem, pleasingly, is not swayed. Well, he maybe almost is, but then ART DRIVES HIM TO IMAGINARY MURDER. You'll see. Meanwhile, please enjoy how DECKED OUT Hakeem's trailer is on the set of this music video. Does he just keep that trailer around and decorated for whenever he might need it? Or did he just jazz it up for the day? I've lived in apartments that weren't that well-appointed.
Thunderdome Empire
Two brothers enter, one brother leaves. The video shoot is, and I quote, "a post-apocalyptic Black Panther theme with the brothers fighting police oppression." Cookie snarks that this is SO subtle, and Mimi Whiteman and The Last Name of Oh Come On Are You KIDDING ME chips in, "Now is not a time for subtlety." Cookie's feelings about Mimi can be summed up in two ways: calling her k.d. lang, and purring, "White bitch, you gotta GO." Cookie does not mince words. I appreciate that about her. Say what you will about her, but I am never, ever confused as to where she stands on anything.
Art Empire
Whatever warm feelings Hakeem was developing for Lucious evaporate the second Lucious gets a look at Jamal's cover art -- I guess Tom Green turned a picture into this painting, and Lucious verbally ejaculates over how brilliant and meaningful it is. Hakeem sees himself as second-best once again and spits that it's tacky and ugly, and if Cookie were there, she'd never have allowed it in the building because it's wasting their work time. (More on her whereabouts later.) Lucious sneers that the reason he gave the company to Jamal is, "He can do the work without his mama." So Hakeem grabs a knife that's lying around and charges the painting and stabs it in the neck. It's ARTICIDE.
Ugh Empire
Tom Green, of course, thinks art is fluid and that the stab wound is now part of it forever, it's a statement about homophobia in the industry trying to tear him down, etc. Hot Michael is like I CAN'T EVEN WITH THIS GUY IT'S NOT THE TOM GREEN SHOW AND ALSO NOT THE GREEN TOM SHOW, IT'S NOT MY FAVORITE SHOW. While Jamal just smiles appreciatively. I think Jamal might be easily bought with flattery.
Baseball Empire
Later, the brothers come to actual blows during the filming of Thunderdome: The Musical, to the point where for a second it looks like Hakeem might smash Jamal with a bat. But he doesn't. Somewhere Tina Turner is like, "You know what, I may have been wrong. We MIGHT need another hero."
Arrest Empire
And where HAS Cookie been? Why, out looking HILARIOUS in full-body leather that must have had her sweating like a pig at Baconfest. The cops pick her up on semi-bogus charges -- Portia jumped a turnstile and then allegedly gave them Cookie's name on the arrest report, because Portia doesn't understand that the subway is not Las Vegas and thus what happens in there does not stay there. This is all an excuse for D.A. Melonious Chest to threaten grievous emotional harm to Cookie's kids if she doesn't flip on Lucious. "[Like] that bipolar son of yours," she sneers. "How is Andre gonna respond when I leak his recent medical reports? I hope he doesn't kill himself." She is lucky Cookie does not disembowel her on the spot with her sunglasses. "You need to kill YOURSELF for that wack weave you got up top your head," she says instead, because when in doubt, attack the head-suit.
Neckline Empire
Again, let's note that D.A. Chest puts it away when she's interviewing women. She has Cookie sweating bullets. But then she has a brainwave: She lies to D.A. Chest that Bunky and Lucious were fighting about the Apex deal, and Bunky was trying to stop Lucious from doing it... right before he turned up dead. Melonious puts that together with Lucious's quick purchase of the company after he got out of jail, and purrs that Cookie has given her a wonderful piece of evidence. Cookie pretends to fret that the deal is almost done. "We'll tie it up for years," Melonious says. "It's as good as dead." I love you, Cookie Lyon. Especially for the fact that, knowing she just turned this to her advantage while giving away nothing of value, she smiles, "Your weave is nice. I'm sorry." Chest replies, "And so is your wig." Both dripping with false respect. I love it. But let's be real: Cookie's wig in this episode, with the bangs, is THE WORST. It ages her like ten years.
Sleepless Empire
Rhonda gets to make lots of facial expressions. First, she notes that Andre is up in the night anxiety-barfing, which she seems to find more irritating than worrisome, possibly because she's pregnant and she doesn't want to tip over any more dominoes in the Barf Chain.
Ummmm Empire
And then she delivers this wonderful failed attempt at tactful support when Andre tells her that God is speaking to him, and what God is saying is, "Exhume the man you clubbed over the head, because buying your way back into Empire via maggots is sincerely worth maybe getting sent up the river." He promises Rhonda he'll take the fall if anyone traces the death to them. I wonder if this is how they'll get Rhonda off the show. SOMEONE is going to screw someone, right? And not in the sexy way?
Horror Empire
Rhonda says she's Ride or Die, so they go dig up the body together, Andre knowing exactly where it is because he made note of the tree with the hole in it. But when they never find the corpse, Rhonda looks up and notes -- with ridiculous horror movie editing and sound effects -- that EVERY TREE HAS A HOLE. I laughed out loud as Andre looks around, and it's SINSTER HOLE after SINISTER HOLE. It's HOLE-O-WEEN. THE AMITYVILLE HOLE-OR. HOLETERGEIST. I HOLE WHAT YOU DID LAST SEASON.
Hole Empire
Then: HEADLIGHTS IN THE MIST. O HOLEY SHIT. So Andre and Rhonda dive into the hole they just dug and huddle without actually completely ducking, which means the intruder's search lights have zero problem finding them. Rhonda, you can't even HIDE correctly. You are NOT USEFUL.
Pa Empire
Naturally, it's Thirsty and Lucious, who have been tracking Andre ever since he struck that deal with his father. Andre explains what happened with Vernon, and this leads to Lucious hugging his son and welcoming him back into the fold. Oh, and somehow Thirsty and Lucious have a keen nose for the dead, because they also are able to figure out which tree in the HOLE WIDE WORLD is the one that conceals Vernon's corpse. Lucious basically tells his friend's dead body to go suck an egg.
Angel Empire
Hakeem is at a bar, contemplating an apology note to Jamal. Instead, a pretty young thing named Laura sings very beautifully, and lo, she would perfectly fit the void Valentina left in Mirage a Blah. Girls, like Band-Aids, are super replaceable.
Poster Empire
A mere two hours after The Near-Fatal Art Stabbing of the Second Coming, Tom Green has printed up tons of posters that need to be papered around town. And of course Jamal and Michael and Tom are doing it together. And of course, anytime Tom Green tells Jamal he's a work of art, Michael looks threatened. Haven't we kind of been here already? Why bring Michael back just to get rid of him AGAIN as a casualty of Jamal's success? There are other stories to tell besides the same ones over and over again.
Boo Boo Empire
Poor Boo Boo Kitty. She's trying to work her way back in with Cookie, but Cookie tells her to F off, because she'll never trust her. COOKIE. Anika is not the one who told you to try bangs.
Corpse Empire
And then poor D.A. Melonious gets into her car, turns to the side, and shrieks at the sight of Vernon's decayed dead body sitting in her passenger seat. It is a deliciously dumb ending, and... I mean, obviously this is 100 percent logical and sensible in every way and there are zero nits to pick here, except for one: Look how dead that thing is. How did she not SMELL IT fifty feet before she even got to the car door? Does she have allergies today?