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# Fug the Show: Empire recap season 2, episode 5
- URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-empire-recap-season-2-episode-5/
- Published: 2015-10-23T16:00:37.000Z
- Updated: 2015-10-23T21:33:22.000Z
- Author: Heather
- Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:44

## Hedonism Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-5.png)

It is absolutely accurate, to me, that Empire would have a removable stripper pole in the conference room for special occasions. Gabourey Sidibe is a treasure. What little they give her to do, she nails, including some wonderful WTF expressions at the people around her This is in aid of Andre's promotion to "president and king" of Gutter Life, the more hard-core label that Lucious is rebooting. Putting Andre in charge of that feels like asking Angela Lansbury to make clothes for Hot Topic. It's... not a match.

We do at least get Thirsty Rawlings saying to Andre, "Nice to see you without a shovel," and Lucious tweeting out a greeting to the world that encourages his enemies to kiss his ass. How lovely that he's mellowed.

## Houndstooth Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-3.png)

Understand: I love Houndstooth, and I would take that couch and make it mine in a heartbeat. But WHAT is the creative direction here that puts her in that bathing suit, on that sofa? She looks like she's at the beach psychiatrist.

## Animal Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-4.png)

Cookie wore this with black pants. It's another fairly staid Cookie outfit to make room for some neon delights later.

## Mr. Rogers Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-6.png)

Lucious here has chosen the kind of sweater that you just KNOW has a 70-year old man's stash of Werther's in the pocket.

## Ne-Yo Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-7.png)

He also has producing help for Jamal's record: Ne-Yo, or rather, Shaffer "Ne-Yo" Smith. Like Melvin "Meat Loaf" Aday, which parenthetically I'm told keeps good cholesterol away. Ne-Yo is dressed like a sexy young Dr. Watson in a Sherlock reboot that I am now VERY INTERESTED in seeing, particularly if you put Idris Elba in that part. Then you could have a three-way universe-bending Clash of the Sherlocks wherein Johnny Lee Miller/Lucy Liu, Clobberbiggle/Freeman, and Elba/Ne-Yo meet up in the same time period and work together. You're welcome, TV. I'm here for you.

Ne-Yo also offers sensible advice to Jamal. Lucious advises him against bringing Michael on tour, because he hates gay people (well, that's not what he says, but... it's what he says). Ne-Yo is skeptical but Jamal lets it get to him, and mentions to Michael that maybe they won't go on tour together after all. Ne-Yo talks Jamal around with some smart advice, like, "After a while \[on the road\] you do crave something real, so if you already got the real, I say why NOT." And, "If that dude is your serenity, then he's supposed to be there, because the road is hectic. You had it right the other day \[about\] not taking relationship advice from Lucious." Ne-Yo, you are wise. I would buy your Magic 8-Ball as long as it had longer platitudes in it, more like a fortune cookie. Please get on that.

## Pastor Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-8.png)

Andre wants to be baptized. His pastor says the way to do it is to confess his sins to his family, and see if he can convince them to join him at church for the ceremony. "My family doesn't go to church unless somebody's in a casket," Andre says. I hope this is going somewhere dramatic, because Andre moping around and talking about cleansing himself is NOT what I am seeking when I tune into Empire.

## Criminal Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-9.png)

On her way out of Lyon Dynasty, Tiana is accosted by some fans who want a selfie. One of them has a razor blade in her mouth and mugs Tiana. I have a REALLY hard time believing Cookie wouldn't already have thought of posting security at the door. She is not careless nor naive. Indeed, when this happens, Cookie appears to know exactly why: It's people who smell money in the air, because she's Lucious's ex, and want to extort their piece. If she knew that so fast, why didn't she hire some heat? Don't disappoint me, Cookie.

## Phantom Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-10.png)

Even better, the girls dump out Tiana's purse on You Tube while wearing masks, at which point their leader, the Phantom of the Opera, threatens to bring down their chandelier. "Welcome to my kingdom, Lyon Dynasty. You wanna chillax here? You gotta pay tax here," he says. "And there won't be no collection agent sending past-due notices, either." That is the most awkward-sounding threatening banter. I have a hard time imagining a seasoned criminal thinking, "You know what'll really make my point? A BUREAUCRACY dis."

## Buffy Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-11.png)

So, eagle-eyed commenters last week recognized Homeless Tom Green as being Warren, the big bad (sort of) from the Buffy season where Andrew Lenk and Empire co-creator Danny Strong were the other prongs of their nerdy evil trio. Now, he is mooning over Jamal and saying that marriage is the death of creativity, and that same-sex unions are harshing his buzz because it means they can now close themselves off in heteronormative boxes. All of which is in service of Warren trying to blow Jamal. Or anyone, really. No, seriously...

## Star Trek Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-12.png)

... apparently this club is on the Starship Enterprise, and in one of the hallways, Warren drops down and tries to rip off a tipsy Jamal's pants. Jamal will not have it. "A mouth is a mouth," insists Warren. Which is the kind of thing you say if you have the self-esteem of a rotting apple. It's like saying, "Just let me be an anonymous hole!"

Later, when he's pissed at Jamal about not going on tour, there's a moment I wasn't TOTALLY clear about where Jamal catches Warren maybe-blowing Michael on the patio at a party. He kicks out Warren, who is all, "I thought you guys cleared this with each other," and then... we don't seem to get any kind of resolution with Michael. But seriously, like, there is no way those two hot dudes who are hitting it with each other are going to be tempted by Homeless Tom Green. Not least because Homeless Tom Green looks like he might bite.

## Neon Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-13.png)

This outfit is amazing. Cookie's styling is ALL over the place -- sometimes you still see the effects of 17 years in prison and sometimes she's a fashion plate. I kind of wish they'd keep her tacky, because it's the most funny, but I also love that she gets to swan around looking fantastic. Taraji is carrying this show. She's earned that wardrobe.

## Magic Mike Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-14.png)

Instead of hiring security, Cookie hires Adam Rodriguez, a concert promoter who isn't afraid to work with someone who's being marked and stalked by the gang community. Fortunately, he also packs heat, and I'm not just talking about his torso.

## Whoop de Woo Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-15.png)

Portia is ALSO back, because she has brought a peace offering: Her grandmother's dog, "the baddest bitch in town." Its name? Whoop De Woo. I could not love that more. It sounds like a roller coaster that's dedicated to sexual euphemisms.

## Miniskirt Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-16.png)

Boring Rhonda tries to distract Andre from his baptism by announcing she's not wearing underwear, but it doesn't work. Boring Rhonda seems INCREDIBLY bored with Boring Andre. And watching one boring person be bored by another boring person is as scintillating as you can imagine.

## Handbag Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-17.png)

Please drink in the glory of the handbag that goes WITH this outfit. Cookie and Lucious are with Vernon's ashes at the cemetery, which nobody wants. They have a humorous argument about who should take them home, during which Cookie asks Lucious if he killed Vernon. "He didn't kill himself. That's some BS," she says of the official story. (They brush off D.A. Melonious Chest, by the way, with a reference to her taking a leave of absence.) Basically, she and Lucious still hate each other, but there is a wonderful moment where he tries to squeeze her knee and she smacks his hand away, and Taraji almost laughs in the middle of it. Which fits. It's a lovely little microcosm of where they are now: goading each other, still probably a little hot for each other, but mostly toying with each other.

## Thirsty Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-19.png)

Andre finds Thirsty quenching his in Lucious's office. Thirsty suggests that Andre should steal Cookie's masters, pretending it's Lucious's idea; Andre refuses, and kicks out Thirsty. "And here I thought we made nice digging in the dirt," Thirsty says casually, but obviously this prickly relationship will be a thorn in Andre's side. Andre Royo can make a symphony out of just a few notes. He's such a skeevy delight.

## Gunplay Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-20.png)

Whoop De Woo alerts Cookie to a burglary; she and Adam Rodriguez stop the theft of her masters by two random people. I just thought you'd enjoy the sight of how comfortable Cookie looks both holding a gun AND wearing Ann Taylor.

## Smile Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-21.png)

I love how her reaction to this happening is to be thrilled that she and Adam work well together with pistols.

## Confessions Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-22.png)

Andre drops by a Nancy Meyers movie to tell Jamal and Hakeem that -- last season -- HE arranged the hit on Jamal's recording session, having no idea it would turn into gunfire. He admits he was trying to make Hakeem and Jamal destroy each other so that he'd be left standing, and writes it off to being sick. Then he asks them to be there, and Hakeem immediately buries the past and says he will. "I'm not gonna go get shaded by the payor because I can't pray away the gay," Jamal says defensively. Andre promises to ask his pastor where he stands -- this is a detail that doesn't come up again, really, but I thought it was a very nice touch -- and then Andre begs them for their support. This whole scene was surprising. Clearly we were meant to think there would be anger, but instead they came together. I like their dynamic.

## Shoulders Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-23.png)

However, Andre has a rougher time with Lucious. He informs his father that he felt so hated and rejected that he tried to kill himself in one of the studios, only to have the gun misfire (or have an empty chamber, or something). "The Lord saved me," he says. Lucious responds, "Are you asking me to come watch somebody dunk you in tap water and pretend it makes your sins go away? There is no God. You just need to man the hell up."

So Andre is not happy. Even his shoulders are frowning.

## Laura Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-24.png)

Quickly: Hakeem tries to hook up with her, but she declines and takes her leave of him. He chases her down looking really natty in a nice suit ("I got my mogul swag!"), and apologizes with the very tasteful and juvenile: "I never met a girl singer who didn't get down like that." So Hakeem has an amazing, progressive view of women. He promises Laura he won't touch her again, which obviously means she's about three episodes away from getting naked in his sex tub. Hey, whatever gets her out of those Gymboree overalls.

## Freda Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-25.png)

So far I'm bored by this story, but basically, Lucious is still working with Chris Rock's daughter. And all his pep talks are great. The end.

## Hatching Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-26.png)

Oh, Cookie, finish shedding your skin before you leave the house.

## Lyon Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-27.png)

So, Cookie tells Andre that she believes they're all good people, even though they've all done bad things. And she discourages him from a full confession because it's more convenient right now if Andre doesn't blab to a bunch of other people that Rhonda killed Vernon. Then the three Lyons here -- after Jamal gets a warm greeting from the pastor -- make fun of how the church will probably catch on fire if Lucious so much as sets foot on the front steps. The best part of THAT is, the show has him stand outside the church looking up at it for a while, and then as he walks inside, they play it as a BIG dramatic act-out, as if MAYBE IT WILL JUST BURST INTO FLAMES. Like, I half-expected his car to explode.

## Flashback Empire

![empire recap season 2 episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-28.png)

Instead, he gets ragged on -- "I think I see some angels running for cover," and, "Let me make space in case lightning strikes" -- before sitting down and watching the baptism. Which conveniently brings up a memory of Crazy Kelly Rowland trying to baptize away HIS sins in their shower/tub combo, regardless of Lucious's protests. He really does have a memory for every occasion. He's like a walking Hallmark Card of life experiences.

[Fug the Show: Empire recap season 2, episode 5We were light on generally great lines this week, but if we're talking the best solely of this episode, here are a few: -- "Your house ain't clean if your closets are dirty." -- "A MOUTH IS A MOUTH." -- "You wanna chillax here? You gotta pay tax here." -- "Take this bug, and stick it up yours."![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/10/empire-recap-season-4-episode-5-5.png)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-empire-recap-season-2-episode-5-10-2015/)