XOXO Empire
When did Cookie turn into Blair Waldorf?
Sidibe Empire
Gabby gets to open the episode with a quasi-love scene, involving a character we haven't seen before: Someone named J-Poppa, who we later learn is trying to sign with Andre's label. I LOVE that she's getting to have fun on this show.
Portia Empire
And Portia is still dressing like a My Little Pony who snorts glitter and also possibly copies of the movie Glitter.
Kidnapping Empire
Hakeem got snatched by some mysterious douchebags at the end of the last episode, and they text Cookie a photo of him with duct tape over his mouth. She immediately assumes this is a prank from Lucious -- never mind trying to locate the number from which it was sent, I guess? -- but quickly learns that it's real when she confronts her ex.
The thing I love about Cookie is that she never lets anything fester. If she thinks you are acting a fool, or ruining her life, or pretending to kidnap the child that you share, she will storm right over and TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT. That's generally the opposite of how people behave on TV, so I appreciate it.
Stiletto Empire
I ALSO appreciate that Cookie knows how to step on a man's neck with her high heel, so that he will sing like a canary. She's with Lucious at some half-baked ransom drop for Hakeem -- for like $40,000, or some relative peanuts like that -- and Cookie totally takes control when Lucious tries to intimidate this guy into telling them who the captors are. (He is just a hired hand; he doesn't know.) It's so moronic, though. Lucious and Cookie Lyon, with no backup -- not even their other sons or anything -- wander out into a shady concrete patch of land with a bunch of money. This seems extremely lax of them, in terms of personal security.
Battered Empire
Hakeem, meanwhile, has been beaten and released, so he staggers up and down the streets -- people stare but conveniently do not recognize him, despite him being mega-famous -- and lands at Anika's place, where he throws himself at her...
Aw Empire
... and Anika, bless her, has just been telling her mother on the phone that she has no one and nothing in her life, and would her mother PLEASE stop trying to cheer her UP because it's FUTILE. When Hakeem stars kissing on her neck, the most heartbreaking look of need and relief breaks over her face. It's the best acting Grace Gealey has done, and she didn't even need to say a word. You really feel that Anika is so desperate to feel something -- or feel needed by someone -- that she's willing to take whatever scraps this twenty-year old kid is offering.
Gym Bag Empire
Also, she's clearly walking home from the gym, so let's all appreciate that her gym bag is a massive studded handbag.
Armageddon Empire
William Fichtner has signed on as a gay mogul who can help Jamal. Basically, Jamal thinks he's been frozen out of certain venues because of his sexuality, and thinks a big part of the problem is Lucious promoting him as a gay artist -- when he is, in fact, simply an artist who is gay. The distinction is lost on Lucious, who doesn't appreciate Fichtner coming in and interfering. We then learn that Fichtner used to be a music producer, but Lucious refused to work with him because of his sexual orientation. ("This business is full of vampires," Lucious tells Jamal. "Some suck your blood, some suck your...") Lots of bad blood, basically. And Fichtner, whom I usually like, so far is playing this character with a strange vocal inflection that I can't pinpoint. It's like he's trying to sound hipper by sounding... more gravelly? Between him and Marisa Tomei, it's like someone tried to hire Bieber's swag coach to run their lines.
Oh, and you also need to know that Jamal's big ballad this week is totally Empire's rip-off of Major Tom. The tune is... evocative. The lyrics are, "Delta John to Alpha One," and references to systems crashing and system checks being done, and calling 911... It's strange. And very un-Jamal.
Andre Empire
Andre sets about interviewing acts to sign to Gutter Records, or whatever his revitalized label is. He and Lucious later get into a fight about Frida, which prompts Andre to say, "You put me in charge!" And Lucious responds, "I put you in PLACE." It's a cold difference, but a real one. Poor Andre.
Frida Empire
This facial expression tells you how well Andre's meeting with her goes. Later, while performing at Lucious's club, she gets taunted by a heckler and punches the dude in the face, which, yes, is not great, but this guy was advancing up on the stage and nobody did anything about it. They just stood around and watched her get uncomfortable -- Lucious even basically was like, "DEAL WITH IT" -- and so frankly they're lucky she didn't punch them ALL in their stupid smug faces.
She runs off, convinced she's getting fired. Lucious finds her and, instead of axing her, gives her a track he'd offered as another olive branch to Hakeem -- Hakeem didn't want it -- and the two of them sit in his car free-styling to it. So I guess she can be the daughter he never had. I wonder if she'll find out he killed the father she DID have.
Poppa Empire
This guy is Gabourey's paramour. He is J-Poppa, from the biblical Job and the fact that his father was a preacher. Andre hears this and starts encouraging J-Poppa to incorporate verse into his raps. "You can reach a lot more people with the light than you can with darkness," he says, which is basically the exact OPPOSITE of what Lucious wants to do with this label. So you can imagine the reaction when J-Poppa tries this at the club. Even Gabourey loses her ladyboner.
Sleeves Empire
Oh, Cookie, you beautiful disaster. It never fails: She dresses like an Upper East Side society girl for half the episode, and then like the delicious divamatic drama queen she is for the other half. Those are some SLEEVES.
Belt Empire
And obviously she has on seventy-three belts, because getting undressed might as well take eight hours.
Concussion Empire
Hakeem's head is scrambled after his assault. I thought we were headed toward a concussion storyline -- and maybe we are still -- but this hour was mostly just about how he can't focus and he's easily thrown off and keeps flashing back to his captors. It comes off a LITTLE like PTSD, but honestly, mostly as if by the end of the hour his brain was going to leak out his ear. It did not. He did punch a mirror, though, with no visible damage to his hand. So maybe he's magic now.
Coffee Empire
And now there's some random event Hakeem is supposed to perform at with Mirage et Trois or whatever ("Destiny's Problem Child" is what Cookie called them), and yada yada yada I've lost track, frankly. At least her shirt is lively. Also, I still don't like the bangs, but I'm dealing with it.
Subtle Empire
Cookie and Hakeem -- at Adam Rodriguez's suggestion -- are meeting the thugs who kidnapped him, who just HAPPENED to be easy to find even though twenty minutes ago nobody knew who they were or had any trace of them, so that she can hire them to be their security. Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, keep your kidnapping extorters the closest of all, and for more cash than they can milk out of you otherwise.
Pistol Empire
Hakeem, of course, pulls a gun on them and starts shouting that they're bitches. Cookie has to try and talk him off the ledge while wearing an extremely lively suit. I LOVE that she dressed up this thoroughly to go meet some kidnappers. She halfasses NOTHING.
Pistol Empire Part 2
And then of course she gets the gun from Hakeem and points it at the dudes herself, and then SHE starts calling them bitches. She basically intimidates them into... you know what, I don't even know. Are they working for her now, or just leaving them alone? NO IDEA. Don't care. BORING. Give Lucious a disease again, please.
Pajama Empire
Okay, you know how I said Cookie half-asses nothing? I lied. These cocktail PJs she wore to Hakeem's big concert are the secret Victoria should have taken to her grave.
Lyon Empire
Lucious is so mad that Hakeem doesn't want his song, or to be back in Empire, that he starts screaming about how Hakeem needs to grow up and be a man. Even if that means going to prison. Because otherwise he just wallows in, ahem, "self-pity and bitch-ass-ness." BITCH-ASS-NESS. Or is it just bitchassness, with no hyphens? I need an annotated version of this episode.
Anyway, the brothers come together after Lucious leaves and bolster each other, and it reminds me that what I LIKE about the show is the chemistry between these three.
Boring Empire
Hakeem does briefly lose it on stage, though, until Laura pulls his focus deep into her eyes and makes his brain right. She has magical anti-concussion powers. The NFL will be calling shortly.
Rejected Empire
Anika, meanwhile, has been calling Hakeem. He's been blowing her off because of his moods. When she shows up to check on him, he is basically like, 'Oh, right, thanks for that... kinda busy...' And she pretends it doesn't kill her, but once the door closed, you can tell she feels like her last chance for human contact has just kicked her to the curb. I am worried about Anika. In part because I am concerned the show will just keep her limping along and not build this to a spectacularly crazy climax. They've BARELY used her at all this season. Please have a master plan, y'all.
Booty Empire
Speaking of master plans, Adam Rodriguez finally dips his hand in the cookie jar...
Longhorn Empire
... only for us to learn that his back is tattooed with the same steer that adorns Hakeem's kidnappers. That's right: HE'S A LONGHORNS FAN. What if Cookie roots for Oklahoma? Or A&M? WHAT WILL HAPPEN??????!