Nooky Empire
This sex marathon also includes some working from bed, lots of food, and visits from Porsha. All I can think while Porsha waits here for Cookie's signature is that this place must SMELL TO HIGH HEAVEN. Has anyone showered? Brushed their teeth? That place must reek of... stale breath and heated bodies. Cookie even goes to get food wearing the same satin pajamas jumpsuit that she had on when they first got going.
Frida Empire
Frida is still working on the "bang bang bang bang/boom boom boom boom" song that Lucious started crafting with her. It's all in service of Lucious telling her to dig deep and connect with her pain and use it, while not doing the same himself. We see a bunch of flashbacks of Young Lucious digging up bullets he'd hidden in the backyard, just to make sure they're still there. Visually speaking, this same message could have been conveyed by having Young Lucious frantically burying the bullets. Because a GREAT way to have your quarry found is to dig it up yourself in broad daylight.
Mama Empire
Jamal is having trouble cracking some total snore of a song about "heavy is the head that wears the crown," so he surreptitiously texts Cookie, and her advice leads to them having drinks and then -- in a Champagne haze -- recording a bunch of it in the Lyon Dynasty offices, which she then has to keep from Hakeem. These two have a great rapport, so it's nice seeing them work together, but it cracks me up that Cookie never gives anyone bad musical advice EVER. Everything she touches turns to gold. At least, in the show's universe, anyway. When Jamal plays the song later, it's still such a snoozefest. The music this season has been extremely drab. I don't see why they can't use some of the songs from last time. Do artists really spend this much time churning out brand new singles for almost immediate release? No. Jamal JUST got famous off his old album. PROMOTE. Which might then take the pressure off the show having to come up with two new songs every week, which more often than not are lousy.
Pants Empire
Cookie has decided to throw a summer jam -- an idea she copied from something on Adam Rodriguez's laptop -- and she's calling it... wait for it... Cookie's Cookout. This is the antithesis of hip, as is the little cartoon logo that's part-The Nanny -- but everyone goes on about it like it's a masterstroke, forgetting that it might not be wise to trust the instincts of a man in a collared migraine and a woman in pants that are questioning their own integrity.
Tomei Empire
Marisa Tomei looks great in this scene. I just needed to share that. She's also undermining Andre, although technically she's his boss so ... she's overmining him? Basically, she isn't paying that much attention to his desire to vet business deals, and instead he's sent to City Hall to convince the Deputy Mayor to drop gang charges against Frida, using his usual tool of persuation: His wang.
Squad Empire
Serayah is getting NOTHING to do this season. At least she was soapy and interesting; instead she's sidelined in favor of a bland heroine like Laura, who Cookie and the other Menages have realized is deadly dull. Cookie orders Hakeem to move her off the lead role, but he won't, so he employs Tiana and himself to be her swag coaches. You'll be delighted to know that it works, because she stands up and sings "I Will Survive" in Spanish at a busy office building and people stop to listen. Which may have nothing to do with her swagger and everything to do with her being really young and pretty and having a great voice even if her personality would not register on even the most sensitive of noise meters.
Oh, and of course, she repays Hakeem for his swag genius by kissing him.
Perfume Empire
I wish I had better grabs of this dress, but Cookie was making it difficult for me. I BELIEVE the pattern is of a bunch of perfume bottles spilling all over the place. I hope it's scratch-and-sniff. Or maybe Cookie is overcompensating for her Malodorous Sex Marathon.
Slit Empire
Also that sucker is PERILOUS when she walks.
Mosaic Empire
Suddenly, Lyon Dynasty is tricked out with murals. Why is this show moving this company so fast? Putting it in a dilapidated warehouse was great. Having Lucious buy a radio network just to block Lyon Dynasty artists from the airwaves was good. Neither of those things seems to be a concern anymore.
Boxing Empire
Blah blah blah music streaming is the future yada yada yada Lucious gets in the ring with some punk idiot who owns a streaming company blah blah let him win yada yada yada Lucious knocks him out anyway. Then, in the hospital, Mimi amusingly leans heavily on the dude's morphine long enough to get him to agree to a deal with Empire. Do we really think Lucious hit him so hard that he's on a MORPHINE DRIP? This would have been so much more satisfying if Lucious got his clock cleaned.
Changed Man Empire
Andre knows Lucious expects him to trade sex for government favors, so he goes and sits on the stool where he tried to shoot himself, and discusses it with his pastor. The pastor tells him that sometims a small sin is justified i it does a great good, i.e., allows him to continue his larger mission at Empire (which I assume is religious music and/or proselytizing and conversion, or something?). Honestly, there was a moment where I thought maybe he hallucinated the pastor as a way of justifying a backslide into bad behavior, but then the pastor says sins of the flesh can't be allowed. So Andre blackmails the woman instead with videos of their past encounter(s). I'm not sure why he didn't just do that the first time -- well, the second time, I guess -- and not bang her more than once. Bad, bad Andre.
Gym Empire
At home, Rhonda is pleased to hear that Andre decided not to have bribery sex with another woman, and the two of them do it instead. And that both begins and ends Rhonda's contribution to the hour.
Instrument Empire
I thought you might be amused to see Terrence Howard making sweet love to a sitar.
Hoodwinked Empire
So, the Longhorn tattoo on Adam's back does indeed indicate that he's in cahoots with the crooks who abducted Hakeem. The plan is to get Cookie to rent their park for Cookie's Cookout -- typing that name hurts me physically -- and then pay them for security as well. Adam has convinced them that they'll get more money out of Lyon Dynasty than they did from the kidnapping. Which is true, but also, they only ASKED for $40,000. Maybe if they'd asked for more, they could have avoided having to do any irritating WORK and stuff.
Jealousy Empire
Jamal gets invited to perform his shitty song at the salon of a music legend who is also a hitmaker. Said hitmaker goes on and on to Lucious about how DEEP it is and how Jamal has truly elevated his sound in a magnificently magnificent manner of magnificence.
Liquor Empire
To celebrate their victory over Tedious Streaming Company Mogul, Mimi brings a bunch of ladies to Lucious's club so they can party. They proceed to get incredibly drunk, while Tomei manages to work the heck out of that elastic-cuffed lamé jumpsuit.
Tears Empire
The plan is for the two of them to tag-team the same girl, but then Mimi gets a phone call. Lucious walks in on her sobbing into the phone, and he grabs it and starts yelling things about how whoever is on the end of the line needs to RESPECT and TREASURE this WONDERFUL CREATURE, and his way of doing that is to suggest they don't take turns but instead have a threesome. Of course! This is wonderful counseling, Lucious.
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So after they make out a while, they turn to Random Girl and make these faces at her. Random Girl, inexplicably, does not start shrieking, "OMG THEY'RE GOING TO SERIAL-KILL ME AND EAT MY HEART ON A PLATE," which is what I would have done.
Flashback Empire
The girl, however, has a pistol tattooed to her. This causes Lucious to flash back to Kelly Rowland finding one solitary bullet and then putting it in the gun, before holding it to her head and saying BOOM BOOM BOOM over and over again while Wee Lucious looks terrified. This, understandably, causes his Bang Boner to recede, but stiffens his songwriting genitals...
Gun Empire
... so he takes his empty pistol into the studio, calls Frida to work, and finally digs deep: "This is gonna become part of my life story." He spins the chamber and clicks the trigger as part of the song, and honestly, this song IS pretty decent. It's way, way less awful than Jamal's maudlin easy-listening crud. "Less awful than Jamal's easy-listening crud" would make a wonderful blurb in the ad for this album.