Fur Empire

These two have been in Philly for two days now, tromping around trying to find Carol, a.k.a. Tasha Smith, the sister who was there when Cookie received their cousin's head in a gift box. Of COURSE they both left Lucious's nightclub to go home and pack elaborate outfits, and of COURSE, those outfits chosen for sister-hunting on the mean streets involved stiletto heels and a giant red fur. At this point, if Carol wanted to be found, she would be. Because the ENTIRE crackhead rumor mill -- and no, I'm not using that lightly; they establish that she is on crack -- would be buzzing about the Lady Elmo stomping around screeching the name "Carol."

Vivica Empire

Vivica gives wonderful face in this episode. She has no tolerance for Cookie, who wants to hear about Vivica's children (captain of debate team, etc) and then insists upon sniping, "Do they KNOW they're half black?"

Accessorized Empire

Seriously, considering the speed at which she booked it from that party last week, Cookie put AMAZING thought into her Carol-hunting outfits.

Periscope Empire

Anika, meanwhile, is watching a lifestream of Hakeem and Laura singing together -- some song about how she's magic -- while eating ice cream. I think this story of her sudden batshit spiral would make more sense to me if we'd established that Anika was maybe faking it until she made it the first time. Which isn't to say that she's not allowed to have a dark moment, but this layer of fragility doesn't QUITE track for me -- like, it almost needs to have been an END of season arc, with a slower build. Now all of a sudden she's tricking herself into thinking she's in love with Hakeem, who is practically a fetus, and I guess can't get a job anywhere on the planet despite having worked for Lucious and Judd Nelson (L's former biggest rival). I hope this season ends with Anika owning EVERYTHING.

Stalker Empire

But first she has to scribble all over collages about Hakeem and Laura. Because there needs to be a paper trail to her insanity.

Gang Empire

The gang is getting mad at Adam Rodriguez, because they all want Cookie's money and they think Adam is stalling. Which he is. These dudes do seem to be missing the subtlety of the plan -- that being, wait until the concert in their park, which is adding a second event, and get money legally rather than through extortion. But these guys also have longhorns branded into their backs, so I don't think subtlety is their jam.

Gun Empire

Adam pulls a gun on them to make them back off, and it cracks me up, because... I don't know if it's just the camera angle, or what, but that thing looks both enormous in his paw and as if he HATES holding it. Or perhaps never has before.

Mansion Empire

Lucious has bought a gigantic mansion on Long Island for Rhonda and Andre. Rhonda, by the way, was a hard-driven career woman last season. Now, all she does is exercise. What happened to her job? And while we're at it, what happened to Tiana? I think Empire is actually possibly incapable of writing a fleshed-out female character with any consistency EXCEPT for Cookie. And they did okay with Anika for a little while, but lost it. Sustained female characters -- again, other than Cookie -- are not their strong suit. In fact, Cookie herself isn't that fleshed out; I think the reason she leaps off the screen is because of Taraji. But she never faces meaningful opposition. Every musical decision she makes turns to gold. Her company is viable even though it was born like an hour ago. Lucious was going to keep her off radio, and now... not anymore, I guess, or else it's not a concern.

Anyway: Rhonda's main function here is for Lucious to grab all over her belly adoringly, because he likes her now that she's popping out his bloodline.

Dre Empire

Lucious also likes Andre now. Expect this to change the next time the wind does. Lucious is like a weathervane: a cock constantly changing the direction in which it's pointed.

Keys Empire

Alicia Keys guests this week as a pop artist who's going to work with Jamal. Naturally Lucious tells her to stay in her musical box, which sounds like the opposite of what he would normally say, so it's all pretty contrived. Jamal, naturally, wants to free the bird in the box and let her spread her wings. Bull true. Alicia has faintly purple hair, and a HORRIBLE top on that outfit, which may explain why she refuses to take off that coat. Which itself is only resting on her shoulders, meaning Alicia has to walk very stiffly and carefully so that it doesn't fall off, further underscoring that this NEVER actually makes sense except to people in Hollywood.

Rosie Empire

What's the only thing better than Vivica and Taraji? Vivica, Taraji, and Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie plays an old inmate pal of Cookie's who now runs a Philly bakery (that may or may not be cooking up other things...). She's plugged into The Scene, so she knows all the various crack houses Carol might hang out in -- and indeed, Cookie stomps through a few. But the best part here is that when Rosie suggests the girls inside might appreciate a Family Day visit from Cookie, the response is that Cookie cannot because she has to get back to her cookout. In fact, "I have to get back to my cookout" is repeated so often that all it underscores is that Cookie's Cookout is THE DUMBEST NAME FOR A CONCERT IN HISTORY, and yes, that includes Lollapalooza. Taraji P. Henson is way too cool to walk around talking about her giant musical event as if it's a scouting jamboree.

Tasha Empire

Carol is fine, by the way. Mildly jacked up on the electric yam-yam, but fine.

Barf Empire

Carol does thoughtfully ralph all over Vivica's shoes, though, eliciting this master class of a reaction shot. NEVER LEAVE, VIVICA.

Boring Empire

Because a week can't go by when Lucious doesn't make a play for Hakeem that fails: Here, Lucious makes a play for Hakeem, and it fails. Please scoop up your jaw from the floor.

Bonding Empire

Anika goes to see Rhonda, and spins a yarn that she's in love with a mystery man but it ended badly. Rhonda tells her a story about cutting off the ponytail of a college rival for Andre's affections. She apparently sent a photo of the ponytail to said rival and warned her to step off or else she'd lose more. The rival evidently did nothing about this, which... shame on you, girl, because when a person cuts off your hair and then threatens you with it, SURELY you have some recourse.

Anyway: Rhonda advises Anika to fight, and fight dirty. Anika seems into this, unsurprisingly, although I'm concerned about her skill level given that her last attempt involved wearing a blonde wig just so that she could ... drive Laura home safely.

Yikes Empire

WHAT IS HAKEEM WEARING. His entire crew should have him stripped.

Inept Empire

Anika shows up at Hakeem's in elbow warmers and a skintight dress, and proceeds to shit all over Laura -- which involves, basically, telling Hakeem that GASP LAURA IS POOOOOOR SO VERY POOR, SO MANY SIBLINGS, and trying to freak out Laura by implying Hakeem is doing the Same Old Same Old with her. ANIKA. You are TERRIBLE AT PLANS. Mounting him didn't work. Chauffering Laura home to safety and then leaving again didn't work. Your scrapbook of rage didn't work. And showing up to Hakeem's and engendering ill-will by trashing his current squeeze was NEVER GOING TO WORK. The thing about Rhonda's advice was, she had some ground to stand on when she cut off that girl's hair. Anika needed ground first. She didn't have any. She knew she didn't have any. She acted anyway. ANIKA. RETHINK IT ALL.

Old School Empire

So, I swear I thought Lucious already acquired Swiftstream, but now I guess he can't afford it. Andre's plan was to pay for it with Lucious's back catalog, but Cookie won't sign over her rights, so next up is selling off portions of Empire's empire. Lucious again refuses. But then the director of Jamal's Pepsi ad rejects Lucious's ideas and won't let him be in the video, all but calling him the washed-up obsolete Old Guard (but politely). So Lucious rages over to Andre and tells him to SELL SELL SELL, whatever it takes, Swiftstream will make them rich, etc. These are words I expect he will soon eat off a plate that shortly thereafter gets thrown against a wall.

No Girl Empire

Cookie looked IMMACULATELY wild the entire time she was in Philly, and once home, she starts making terrible lipstick choices. (It's all wrong with that shirt.) Of course, she's also stressed out because Adam Rodriguez is trying to get her to move the cookout and is being very shifty as to why (he's trying to get her away from his gang lords, without telling her they're his gang lords). Lucious doesn't like him, though, so he cracks the case of Adam's affiliation, and they cross-check the tattoo to confirm it. A furious Cookie disarms Adam and hands the gun to Lucious and his henchmen with a meaningful look, before dragging Hakeem out of the room. So ... either Lucious offs Adam, or his dudes do, OR I guess he could've been released with a beating. But the look on her face suggested that she was totally fine with whatever Lucious decided as long as she had deniability. Which... I mean, she WAS in prison for a decade and a half, so she'd have a hard side. But it's hard for her to get on high moral ground with Lucious for killing her cousin if she's essentially using him to assassinate her boyfriend.

Failure Empire

Anika's next gambit is to go to Hakeem in a great dress and tell him she's sorry, but that she knows they're in love and so that's why she said what she did to Laura. Hakeem thoroughly disabuses her of that notion. The dumb part of all this is that Anika only really wants a family and attention. And she'd GET that if she just TOLD HIM she's pregnant and left out all the batshit stuff.

Rehab Empire

Carol came back to stay with Cookie -- her kids are staying with Vivica until she gets her act together I guess? -- and Cookie is insisting that Carol to go rehab so that she doesn't die. Cookie frames it as, "I don't need that on my conscience," but there might be a modicum more love behind it than it sounds.

Duet Empire

So, naturally, Alicia's idea of breaking out of the box is to write a power ballad about how we all matter. It's a social consciousness tune, and they sound good on it, but it's another retread really: Last season's strongest musical moment was Estelle singing "Conqueror" with Jussie Smollett, and this feels like a naked grab at the same emotional apex. Except without any such emotion in the show itself, it points toward the world instead. Which, again, is nice, and the song ought to end up in a lot of montages soon enough (presuming they get smart and license it). But it doesn't feel like a new musical note for anyone involved.

Smooch Empire

Well, there is ONE new aspect. It would seem JAMAL is now the one who might want to switch genres, nudge-nudge.

Fug the Show: Empire recap, season 2, episode 9

I'm not going to lie and say that this delivered on last week's promise of crazy. But it DID deliver on the promise of Cookie and Candy, the upper-crust and/or expensively clad sisters looking for their trainwreck of a sibling. "Would you stop acting like Diahann Carroll, heifer?" Cookie snarks. Taraji P. Henson and Vivica A. Fox -- who are just one Vanessa L. Williams short of a power-trio of Ladies Who Use Middle Initials -- clearly have a blast trying to cut each other to the quick, and I hope we see more of all of them. Cookie needs more foils.