Jennifer Aspen

The one character who still gets bonkers shirts is Jennifer's -- I mean, even Cheno, whose character is nicknamed Kitten, wears mostly solid-colored day dresses now. This seems like a tragedy.

Annie Potts

However, Annie Potts remains a complete delight. The more mischievous she gets, the larger her hair becomes. Here, she -- clad in a silk cape, obviously -- just rendezvoused in the shrubberies with Scarecrow, and thus her hair is pregnant with secret lust.

Annie Potts

I mean, that thing is such a beehive, I think she does tap it once a month for honey.

Jennifer Aspen

This is Jennifer's GWTW gown for Cheno's themed vow renewal, at which she is slated to be the maid of honor> Shenanigans ensued that led to her being replaced temporarily with Leslie Bibb, which is a terrible thing to do to a lady who is already wearing her hoop skirt and is thus architecturally restricted from getting a can of whoop-ass out of her pantry and cracking it open.

Leslie Bibb

However, Leslie gets to look excellent in the middle of all the drama, so that was worth it. I have learned from this show that nobody wears pants like she does. In fact, they did a whole episode about that, but it's true. Every time they put her in casual pants, I consider giving up carbs. ... For thirty seconds, because come on. No. But even that thirty seconds is momentous.

The GCBs

Apparently Cheno's "bachelorette" shindig involves some huntin' and some stalkin' and some shootin' and some camouflagin' and no small amount of apostrophes.

JAG and Cheno

I included this picture because one of the unsung heroes of this show is David James Elliott, aka JAG, aka Alison Parker's sex addict boyfriend from Melrose Place. His facial expression, in this scene about Cheno having a bullet extracted from her derriere while he watched with deepest concern for the preservation of that vital body part, cracked me up. I had no idea. Well played, JAG.

The GCBs

FINALLY. There is something so perfect about the fact that a) Cheno swans around all gimpy in a feathered pink satin cocoon, like a caterpillar with showgirl aspirations, and b) her crutches match it. She looks like she's conducting a Barbie orchestra.

Cheno

And, here is Scarlett O'Cheno herself, ready to waltz down the aisle. It would have been so much more moving if her vow renewal ceremony had included sweeping emotional drama about slavery, war, love both requited and un, men named Ashley, and the dangers of riding horses and having large staircases.

The GCBs

The thing is, some bridal parties probably look like this WITHOUT the accompanying Margaret Mitchell obsession.

Jennifer Aspen

Jennifer, presumably to make up for all the ruffles she had to wear during her character's binge-eating phase, also got to skulk around seducing her husband in costume aif starring in a very low-budget porno called Yourassic Park.

Swingtown

And the delicious Swingtown turned delirious, because she and her homosexual husband decided to have another baby via actual sex even though their marriage is a bearding arrangement, so they took some foreign arousal herbs and ended up having hot flashes. And bless Swingtown for stomping around for this whole scene drenched in sweat, while wearing that purple leopard lingerie pants onesie -- the latter being a collection of words I never thought I'd see in that order, and hope never to again. Perhaps her first problem is that nobody in this ensemble could turn on a light, much less a person.

Annie Potts

I really missed an opportunity to do an updo meter that tracks Annie Potts' level of disapproval for people. Everything about this photo says, "Girl, PLEASE."

Annie Potts

And everything about THIS photo suggests that, when our alien overlords come, Annie Potts will be given an official position of power in their new government.

Jennifer Aspen

And here, Annie's beehive is registering at least a five on the disapproval meter. It's about an inch per flourish.

Swingtown's Gay Husband

This is from the episode where the GCBs' church tries to compete with a crosstown rival for the best religious production. So this guy gets to do a musical number as Lazarus, in which he rises from the dead in a sweatshroud that he quickly strips off to reveal a matching toga. Apparently American Apparel had an outlet near Jerusalem.

Leslie Bibb and Cheno

There was a whole bit early on where Leslie Bibb refused money help from her mother, and insisted on shopping at the show's equivalent of Target. She seems to have gotten over that. Cheno, for her part, got to be an angel who flew over the congregation, accidentally crashed into a stained-glass window, and then rose from the figurative dead to finish her song. It was too majestic to capture in stills. Suffice to say it made Glee look like an episode of The Killing.

Cheno

I also enjoy that, in grief (for her skin, which developed a zit shortly after she was demoted to playing the Leper), Cheno turned to this. Proof positive that there's nothing a quick trip to Michael's can't do. If Kate Middleton ever finds herself without a milliner, she can just use a stapler, some fake flowers, and a little mesh she ripped off one of her mother's old lids.

Fug the Show: GCB, a bunch of episodes

As the weeks have gone on, it's like the costumers sat down with the producers and said, "We can't keep up. It's too much. If you tone down the overall madness, we can keep you flush with large beads, big bouffants, and at least one climactic piece of nonsense per hour. Deal?" And thus, the Gone With The Wind vow renewal ceremony was born.