Leslie
At this point I actually said to Jessica -- via IM -- "I am going to have to fug this show. The problem is, I'm not watching closely enough to know if she's wearing that as a JOKE, or for real." The answer: It was for real. She is dressed as a cheerleader for the Spearmint Rhino's mud-wrestling team.
Leslie
But we begin with Leslie back in California, in her McMansion, where all her husband's stuff is being repossessed because he ran a Ponzi scheme and then died while escaping, because his girlfriend was giving him a vehicular blow job and they ran off the road. No, really. There's even a scene where Chenoweth yells to Leslie, "At least my husband knows to keep his hands on the wheel during ORGASM!" And THAT, folks, is why this is a 10 p.m. show. ANYWAY: We know Leslie is still in California because this feels like what 90 percent of Malibu moms seem to wear to Starbucks, that is, when they're not in Uggs and cutoffs (AHEM, Britney and Pam Anderson).
Annie Potts
Leslie flees with her kids to her overbearing mom in Dallas, who really could ONLY be played by one of the Designing Women. Right? Right. This is so Sugarbaker I can't EVEN (and I do know Annie Potts was not a Sugarbaker by birth, but she was definitely one by association).
Kristen Chenoweth
Cheno, of course, lives across the street from Annie Potts, and stares out the window with BeDazzled pink binoculars. She would make a wonderful spy. Because nobody would suspect that the lady with BeDazzled pink binoculars and four-inch Louboutins was ACTUALLY digging up anything important, and then she would drop the hammer (which would have a diamond handle, because it wouldn't be a metaphorical hammer), and the world would be a safer place. The terrorists would cower.
Sharon (Jennifer Aspen)
Sharon here is the friend who apparently yo-yo diets now, so they show her eating or preparing to eat in every single scene. She also apparently loves pink so much that she matches her foundation to her cardigans. It seems pink is the go-to color choice for Crazy Southerners in this show. Or on other ABC shows. I think Cheryl Hines on Suburgatory ALSO wears a lot of pink, and hairspray, and eyelashes.
Annie Potts
I just needed you to know that this exists in Annie Potts' foyer. It's important to me.
Annie and Leslie
So, now that Leslie is back in the fold and at church, she's busting out the florals. And the giant fake beads. Because she has to fit in, see. These two look like greeting cards. You know, the ones they sell at Papyrus that are blank inside.
The GCBs
This is actually almost SEDATE. Except for Cheno. Of course. She will always be the most florid rose in the garden.
Cheno
For when your personalized binoculars just aren't enough. Frankly, I'm disappointed she didn't have the telescope bedecked in crystals, too. But that would have detracted from the very pinkness of her terrycloth romper, and we can't have that. She's like Elle Woods with worse taste.
Jennifer Aspen
Ninety percent of her scenes are on an iPhone, while snacking. I enjoy that here she is dressed like a snowdrift you'd find in ACTUAL Aspen.
Swingtown
Meanwhile, Swingtown -- so named because she was on that show and I can only remember people by nicknames, apparently -- is taking her official headshots for Head Honky-Tonk (that might be a paraphrase) at the Longhorn Ball (that is not a paraphrase). One of the beans just padded in here and pointed at this photo and said, "UH OH HAT," and I may let that stand.
Cheno
One of my favorite parts of the episode was when Cheno was doing some recon, following Leslie around town (seems Jennifer Aspen's husband gave Leslie a car because he wants to sleep with her), and she was standing in the middle of a car dealership having a lackey file her nails while she read a pink Bible. And STILL no one noticed her. See? The CIA needs to rethink itself.
JAG
I also just wanted you to know that JAG is in this show. He ripped the blue stretch jersey off Cheno's back and nailed her on the desk about five seconds after this photo was taken.
Leslie's kid
Annie Potts wasted no time in giving Leslie's daughter a makeover, which included hot pants, a belly shirt, a blonde dye job, some backcombing, and a buffet table - meaning, the bra that's currently serving up her mammaries as if they're on an all-you-can-ogle menu.
Cheno
Using a telescope in a short skirt? This woman is fearless. Although it is actually a really cute dress.
Annie
That necklace is so subtle. You know, I didn't want to mention this, because it's gross, but I can't help it: The number of women wearing pearl necklaces in this episode, given that the cold open was a man dying during a blow job, is astonishingly amusing.
Cheno and Marisol Nichols
The GCBs come over to fake-befriend Leslie; unfortunately, Marisol Nichols didn't have a chance to change after that gang of rabid bats, lost en route to Austin, crashed into her torso and died.
Jennifer Aspen
Girl. You look like a ten-year old girl's dream canopy bed.
Leslie
Since the GCBs get Leslie blackballed by all potential employers, she gets a job at Booby Licious. I love the idea that Hooters wasn't willing to bring its storied and respectable name into this show about people behaving badly. I hope they do some kind of revenge storyline wherein Booby Licious's famous chicken wings poison the entire city. Also, I think those hot pants are made out of a balloon.
Leslie
Leslie thus decides to go to the Longhorn Ball with Swingtown's husband's ranch hand, whose hand (she has accidentally learned) is also in Swingtown's husband's underwear ranch. Knowing he's not going to peep that lone inch up her skirt makes it a very low-pressure outing, so she can dress up like she's at showgirl commencement without worrying. (Seriously, squint, and she looks a LOT like Elizabeth Berkeley.)
Annie
NOBODY seems to think this is a bad idea, though. In fact, Annie Potts hugs her like she's congratulating her, instead of saying, "Oh, look, it must've been Tarts and Crafts day at the pre-school." Then again, Annie Potts is wearing gift wrap and she's stuffed Leslie's kid into a blazer that should have retired along with Miss Country Chicken Box-Step Festival 1986, so her judgment is not sound.
JAG
I think Meryl Streep wore this to the Oscars.
The GCBs
Holy crapballs. None of these things should be seen in the same frame. It's too much. It's Chico's overload. Jennifer Aspen has matched her scrunchie to her skirt's massive glitter flower, Swingtown over there looks like she has a hair skirt on over her pants, and Cheno... I can't even. That cross around her neck is larger than many that hang on the walls of actual churches.
Leslie and Annie
So Leslie uses church -- where Cheno passive-aggressively asked everyone to pray for Leslie's soul -- to passive-aggressively announce that she's here to play, and kitty likes to scratch. And she's wearing flowers like she MEANS it. Annie Potts is like, "Whee! Let the press-on nails fly!" Amen, sister.