Dan
Seriously, is Dan SUPPOSED to be a young Howard Stern all of a sudden? I know, I know, Penn Badgley was playing Jeff Buckley, but unless he's holding on for reshoots, he should be done with that by now. At LEAST show us a scene where Blair ritually buzzes him.
Blair
This was for a scene in which Blair decided she needed to usurp Dan's sudden social notoriety by getting F.I.T. to do an exhibit of her old wardrobe. I guess she's having an existential crisis? Or as I refer to it, "the writers wishing they didn't have to stretch to 24 episodes." Anyway, the colors are pretty, but it looks stiff, like it was carved out of wallpaper she'd just torn off her mother's dressing room wall.
Serena
Oh, Serena. If you've had this cape all along, why did you hide it? So PERFECT for sweeping imperiously into parties to which you are not invited, hurling yourself grandly into a chair, and then letting discourtesy flow out your sasshole.
Serena
This show is excellent at finding dresses that make Blake Lively's enviable body look lumpy.
Chuck Bass
Chuck looks so vexed. "Why am I in my TUESDAY jammies?" he frets, staring at his datebook hoping for clues.
Dan
"Will THIS be the day I become interesting and dashing again?" No, Dan. It won't.
Serena
As with everything Serena wears, this needs an extra few inches. JUST LIKE HER MEN. Zing.
Lola
Dear Wannabe It Girl Lola Rhodes: Serena would've worn that as a dress. AMATEUR.
Blair and Chuck
I enjoy that Ed Westwick knows that Chuck's subtext at all times should be, "Must make sure Blair's rump is still shapely." I like the dress on her but I really wish the accessories didn't veer her into Little Old Lady. She's too young for a blue rinse.
Serena
"Hey, Blair, what's up? ... Oh, nothing, just trying to make myself look boxier than a Land Rover. And my triceps want to rob a bank, so I'm helping them go incognito. The usual."
Lola and Ivy
In this scene, two former Gossip Girl blog targets -- who would be eminently recognizable to most people on this show considering that EVERYONE IN TOWN gets her blasts the SECOND she sends them -- are pretending to be hookers to hoodwink (hookerwink?) whoever tried to kill Chuck's father two seasons ago. Even Ivy is like, "For real?" Although it did lead to two funny moments: 1) Blair scoffing at them thinking this was the first time she'd ever tried to entrap someone via prostitution, and 2) these two ex-acting-class mates giggling while they tried to get in character via ridiculous poses. It was strangely cute for such a dumb and needlessly confusing moment.
For the task of looking like call girls, they chose to clothe the girls in identical Mason by Michelle Mason dresses, one of which Olivia Wilde wore for real at a premiere with those Brian Atwood door knockers. I wonder if Michelle Mason is flattered to have been chosen to clothe fake prostitutes. I mean, they are supposed to be EXPENSIVE ones, so there's that.
Blair and Serena
Sigh. Serena, as usual, looks like she has chosen her skirt length based on believing she's about to qualify for the French Open. Blair just looks like a Cake song. Which is ideal subtext, given that the song in question, "Short Skirt, Long Jacket," was the theme song for Chuck, and Chuck Bass is the theme dong of her life.
I apologize for the use of the incredibly third-grade word "dong," but I had to go for the rhyme, you understand.
Blair
I mean. Blair wouldn't wear a skirt this... this... this Serena. She just wouldn't. Also, that shirt looks like something Leighton would've ganked from the Country Strong costume trailer. AND FINALLY: I love that Blair actually keeps a series of written diaries, in matching notebooks, in a trunk at the foot of her bed. Of COURSE she would be that obvious, and then assume nobody would dig into them and sell them for scraps. OF COURSE.
Dan
No, Dan. Still no. You are not a budding pirate.
Serena
Serena has the best coats. I don't necessarily understand this one, but I am definitely not mad at it.
Serena
It was a SLIGHTLY weird match with this outfit underneath, but whatever -- Serena was too busy figuring out how to trick Dan into boning her in the Campbell Apartment, aka her preferred site for magic vaginal shenanigans with Blair's boyfriends (see also: Nate Archibald, in premiere flashbacks).
Serena
"Hey, Dan, my outfit is both adorable and almost pornographically short, but I came here to say I'm really sorry I tried to make a sex tape of -- ACK, sorry, Clare Arnold From Her Early 90210 Episodes, I didn't know you'd be here."
Blair
This is what Blair wore when she fled to Paris to inherit her mother's company, despite being like twenty years old and admittedly unqualified. She is wearing all the colors of the Xanadu album cover. I can't really complain.
Blair
And THIS is what Blair wore when, apparently, she took her new job super seriously by running off to find Chuck at a casino, so she could help him win enough money to challenge his father (who ripped the business out from under him after coldly daring him to rekindle his love for Blair, who then fell for it right after Bart Bass shamed Chuck for having a heart, causing him to reject her all over again,), and also announce her intention to fight for him. Again. AGAIN OMG. This show is like a toddler: "AGAIN! AGAIN CHUCK BLAIR!"
Dan
No, sorry, Dan, STILL no. Because even when you THREATENED to become interesting by summoning Georgina Sparks to help you get revenge on the entire sordid Upper East Side - your trashy ex Serena (who is becoming a druggie again) and your Chuck-loving ex Blair -- you chose to do it by... wait for it... writing ANOTHER BOOK ("Again! AGAIN BOOK! AGAIN AGAIN!!!"). Dan. You tried that. Don't make us live through it again. But his choice of cohort has me optimistic that the show's final thirteen episodes will involve less ineptitude. In Georgina I trust.