Blair
I know this was from the previously-on covering last week's episode, but it was so spectacular, it's worth revisiting. Blair would NEVER wear this until she turned 60. I think of her like I think of Jessica: She has an awesomely kooky inner sexagenarian bubbling under the surface, but she will not flip that switch until she is full-on turbo into that decade (but then once it's flipped, it's ON, bitches).
Flashback!
Because this is a cotillion episode -- one that everyone in town seems to be attending with a curiosity and casual nostalgia equivalent to if you wandered into a dance at your old high-school. except that here, nobody pauses to wonder who the creepy old person by the punch bowl is -- we get some flashbacks to the original, which take us down a very special follicular memory lane. Chuck was a Beatle, and Nate was what Justin Bieber THOUGHT he looked like two years ago.
Blair
Into the present: Blair is trying so hard to shed the Clothes for Skanks image that was projected when Sage stripped down at her fashion show, that she's gone full boar in the other direction and started designing baptismal shrouds for adult women who are about to enter a religious cult. We also need to discuss again how stupid that twist is. Most fashion shows involve girls younger than Sage wearing skimpier clothes than that -- many even including a flash of ass or nipple. And nobody clutches their pearls and screams exploitation and storms out, much less some dingy socialite (ahem, Serena). Now, maybe they SHOULD do all those things, but they don't. So this whole plot is absurd, as is that dress.
Dan
When even Dan Humphrey sits in judgment of your taste, you know you have erred. He convinces Blair that she should embrace her branding as a skankmonger because sometimes we need to throw off the trappings of our old selves and the presumptions that hold us back (he is talking about Chuck) and she decides that his advice is correct, except she misses the allegory.
Georgina
And in Georgina wanders, bitter as a BeDazzled rage cloud. She wants the Blair chapter, and figures out that Dan won't give it to her because he's hoping to win back Ms. Waldorf. Dan pretends it's not done and gives her the Chuck chapter instead, in which he makes Chuck out to be the Man of the Year for reasons I can't remember. I think he's trying to fuel Chuck's righteous hunt against his father, so that he can convince Blair that Chuck will never be free of that crusade and thus will never prioritize being with her. But it's Dan, so who the hell knows. He might just have brain warts.
Serena
Speaking of brain warts: Serena.
Sage and Barry
These two give priceless reactions to Serena's attempt at cooking pancakes, which seems absolutely right. Serena acts like she makes pancakes all the time but you know she did a full-on Johnny Five with those bad boys and threw in the eggs without cracking them and mashed everything up in a bowl and was all, "They don't look right, but whatever, texture is so hot right now."
Sage
Sage also has the world's least realistic cotillion gown over her arm. There is no way this girl, who is super boho, would agree to wear that. Ever. It's the prototypical "No, honey, your grandmother and I both wore this and now it's your turn" nightmare, and of course, Sage is also claiming she lost a ton of weight without even trying (read: sex with Nate is good cardio) and needs it altered for that night. Yes, cotillion is THAT NIGHT. Uh-huh. Barry has not invited Serena and seems spacey with her, so she promptly finagles herself an invitation and then stresses out about why he's not that into her. Because the FIRST thing you do with a stepdaughter who hates you is elbow your way into her big night when you have not been invited on your own merits.
Chuck
Never get Botox, please, Ed Westwick. These are too good. Right now he's whispering about his daddy issues like he's Jack Bauer, although by his face you'd think he'd eaten some of Serena's robot pancakes.
Serena
Serena -- after some accidental advice from Nate, who jovially jokes about how all his ex-girlfriends would just go through his phone if they felt neglected -- decides to search Barry's briefcase, and she finds a huge diamond in there. Sage catches her. So Serena thinks she's getting proposed to, and Sage is furious and decides she needs to bring down Serena, because the prospect of having a stepmother who is the same age as your boyfriend -- and indeed is one of his best friends/ex-girlfriends -- is repellent to her. She's not wrong. That IS creepy.
Lily and Serena
Lily is concerned that Serena isn't in love, but in fact just loves having a man in her life. Serena, despite never having spent any time being single, pooh-poohs this because she met Barry right after she'd been in a drug coma on a train and so of COURSE this is true love and not at all a rebound. Lily hugs her and privately wonders if anyone who would consciously wear that shirt should be allowed to do anything without some kind of ankle monitor.
Ivy and Chuck
"Hey, so, Lily isn't allowed to talk to you anymore?" "Nope." "Should I go plant some shit in her penthouse for you, so that she'll hate your dad again?" "Yeah, why not? Nobody else is interested in being in my dumb storyline." "I know, right? I feel the same. I'm stuck in Brooklyn having sex with Rufus Humphrey. I haven't spoken to anyone my own age in like six months."
Ivy
So Ivy drinks some scotch and plants a document, all so Bart will think Chuck and Lily have been consorting. Except Bart catches her; she makes up a story about being the cleaning lady's daughter, trying to hide something that Lily left out accidentally, and Bart buys it. Mostly, I love this because apparently some people still use calligraphy on their wills. I'd like to note that we drew up our wills a year ago and we do NOT have a page like this on there anywhere. DID WE GET FONT-ROBBED?!?
Blair
Blair had tried to convince Sage to wear her smutty dress; Sage accepted only when she realized they could work together to bring down Serena. So Blair plants the seed with Lily that Serena isn't in the right frame of mind to get married, so that when Barry asks for S's hand, Lily will say no. In exchange for delaying the proposal, Sage promises to wear Blair's heinous new tramp couture -- I mean, "awesome dress." And so Blair gets all togged up, looking totally gorgeous...
Dan
... and goes to the cotillion with Dan, who thinks that by being Chuck's stand-in at cotillion, he can also fulfill that duty in Blair's pants. Girl, please. Even your bow-tie is limp.
Blair
But you can't blame him for trying. Even with the weird lace panel in the back, Blair looks stunning in her sequined dress. They even gave her a grown-up take on her headbands of yore.
Georgina
Seriously, is it 1987 where Georgina is? At the very least, Alexis Carrington would approve, both of her outfit and her shenanigans: G pulls out her huge heavy iPhone case and shows Dan that she's got the sex tape of him and Serena, and tells him she'll hand it to Blair unless Dan gives her the Blair chapter. He asks her to postpone until midnight, presumably because he doesn't want to kill his chances with Blair before he even knows if they exist. Note to Dan: They don't.
Sage
This gown is already the worst thing ever, and that's just the coat. Look how badly made that thing is. The fasteners don't lie flat; it bubbles and curves like Dorota ran it through the dryer. Sage overhears Dan and Georgina, and pretends to bump into Georgina and in the process lifts her iPhone FROM HER HAND. And Georgina doesn't notice. This thing is like a gold-studdded brick. You're telling me she didn't feel that, AND that -- as a lady by herself at a cotillion where she is unpopular and unwelcome -- Georgina didn't notice in about two seconds that she couldn't Tweet, check Facebook, or text Gossip Girl (or her baby daddy) while she killed time? Please.
Bart
I love this facial expression. Basically, Chuck and Ivy's scheme didn't work, Lily is madder at Chuck than ever, and Bart is all but giving him finger guns and wiggling a cigar at him while cooing, "GOTCHA."
Serena
Serena looks typically Serena: tight dress, barely wrangles the chest, messy hairdo. It looks like she just had sex in a barn and then accidentally braided some of the hay into her hair. She is angry because Blair concocted some dumb shenanigans wherein Serena -- via Gossip Girl pictures -- believes Barry has had second thoughts and returned the ring. (In reality, it's just that he was photographed dropping off a ring for Sage that needed resizing.) So she's on the warpath, because Serena only knows one way to pick her battles: publicly.
Blair and Serena
And then it gets dumb: Basically, after chatting to Lily and finding out she denied consent to Barry because Blair warned her off it (also terrible, because Lily KNOWS that S and B aren't friends right now, so why would she do what B says?), S confronts Blair. And Blair reveals the ring deception to S, and tells her she was just FAKING to Sage that the scheme would work and she didn't really MEAN it and that she just wanted to manipulate Sage into wearing her dress, and she would never ACTUALLY hurt Serena, and she wants to be a bridesmaid. Serena buys this half-baked explanation (I mean, Blair would never have told Serena the truth if Serena hadn't asked her directly, so obviously she didn't care that much), and they hug. So basically, we've had episodes and episodes of vitriol and back-and-forth and tantrums (and it WAS Serena's hissyfit that ruined Blair's fashion show), but in two seconds and shrouded in implausible explanations, it's all better and they are friends again? This is the kind of rushed, unearned scene that you know is only there because the show intends to undo it in ten minutes. Super, super lazy.
Serena and Barry
So Serena and her cleavage go up to Barry and giggle that she found out about the proposal, and Barry says he'd never let something inconsequential like her mother's disapproval stop him from getting engaged. Question, then, good sir: Why bother asking Lily at all?
Sage and Nate
AND THEN. Sage has her big debut, removing her coat to reveal the Skankaholic gown Blair has designed. And it is AWFUL. It's supposed to be shockingly sexy-fabulous, but instead it looks like it was built out of toilet paper in approximately half an hour. I have been saying this a lot this season, but it bears repeating: Blair Waldorf would NEVER. She knows the difference between risque and cheap. This is an abomination. Are we going to find out that Blair suffered an undiagnosed concussion last season? That is the only explanation.
Gossil Guys and Girls
Welcome to my new favorite extras.
O SNAP
But WHAT HO, Sage has replaced her cotillion video (really?) with the sex tape, so that all of New York society is treated to Serena and Dan having sex at the Campbell Apartment, and making clear that a) he is supposed to be with Blair, and b) they are both committed to hiding it from her. Everyone acts all shocked, but come on, these people have all seen similar or worse on Gossip Girl. And frankly probably also at people's parties.
Serena
"I have no explanation for why I would sleep with a guy whose hair was built out of mud and twigs." "Well then I can't marry you."
S and B
Blair calculates correctly that Serena knew what she was doing -- sleeping with Blair's boyfriend in the same place where she and Nate deflowered each other back when he was with Blair -- and kicks Serena to the curb. Again. So now Blair is back in the power position, but somehow, knowing this show, in about two weeks they'll make her grovel for Serena's eternal forgiveness again. Because for some reason they are all about making Blair beg for everything. Sigh.
Blair
Indeed, the show makes Blair to go Chuck, again, to suggest, AGAIN, that they break their vow to stay apart, and he AGAIN is the one who puts up the hand and says no, and she AGAIN is the one who has to say, "I'll wait for you forever," because SERIOUSLY, this show is allergic to Blair Waldorf ever being in a power position anywhere. Which is awful.
Ivy
"Please, Dad... I mean, Rufus... don't be mad that I secretly have a bunch of money and used it to fix your gallery floor! And please don't be mad that we're not even really in this recap much! It's just that nobody cares, see? Don't ground me. Or... whatever."
Ivy
Also, can we talk about this shirt Ivy is wearing? She clearly isn't wearing a bra - and it showed every time she walked -- and the only conceivable way she kept that sucker on is if she had Rufus rig the whole thing with boob tape before he left for his Boring. It's a dream relationship.
Ivy
"Oh, hi, Chuck. While I was pulling up my socks I remembered that at the penthouse, your Dad had... AN ENVELOPE. IN HIS HAND. Byeeee!" And of course that blows the lid off Chuck again. So it was Fake Death, then dead racehorses, then oil smuggling, and now AN ENVELOPE. I hope this whole thing turns out to be that Bart faked his death because his doctor told him that his shoe size had changed.
Blair
FINALLY, Eleanor has decided to care that Blair is doing a terrible job with her company, and is apparently headed this way. All the headbands in the world won't save her now.
Dan and Serena
Blair now hates both Dan AND Serena, and Barry has dumped her because she's basically a total embarrassment and he's realized that if Sage hates the idea THIS much, maybe he shouldn't be proposing to a 22-year old. So Dan and Serena do the one relatable and logical thing in the world: They head to a diner for burgers and milkshakes. And a girl slips Dan her number because all his exposes on Vanity Fair's site are getting him tons and tons of ass. GG has a dim view of the barriers to entry to a lady's privates.
Serena
"Ew. Did she SEE your hair in our sex tape? ... Wait, I'm making the same face they made when they ate my pancakes. Does that mean they didn't like them, or... no, that can't be true, so it must mean I actually really liked your hair in that sex tape. God, I'm confused."