Nate
Poor Nate. Not only did Dan yank his written vitriol from the struggling Spectator, but he made the next installment all about Nate, and how he's basically the world's worst businessman. I mean, I'm exaggerating, but only slightly.
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At least Nate got a shout-out for his peerless lacrosse skills. Right about now the Columbia LAX team is like, "Yeah, where IS that dude? He hasn't shown up to practice in two years." Sage tries to comfort Nate by pointing out -- I am not kidding here -- that at least he's still hot. But Nate is frowny. If a 21-year old with magnetic eyes and sturdy brows can't run a business without lawyers, contracts, and/or solid advice, well, there is NO hope for the world.
Dan and Georgina
I love that Trachtenberg is getting her own very special credit. She should. She is the show's only bright light at this point, aside from the occasional Blair zinger. Dan reveals that he's been shacking up with different ladies every night so that he has a place to live, and Georgina wants to audition him more suitable girlfriends so that he can be a writer-celebrity. That is such a New York concept. Dan wants to know if people are raving that the writing is incisive and that this book is going to be the next In Cold Blood, because Dan is delusional. Every piece reads like a well copy-edited diary entry from some petty sad-sack. Even Georgina deflects the question.
Barry
"Give it to me straight, Serena: Is my printer giving me true color?"
Serena
Barry is annoyed that Serena convinced him to let his daughter date a man whore whom Dan claims -- correctly -- has dated not one but TWO con artists. He's also understandably wigged out to learn here, for the first time, that his girlfriend and his child have both had sex with the same person. Serena is like, "Girl, please, are you new?" So that Barry can get to know Nate, they all decide they'll go to a horse show together, because that's how these people bond, and Serena is allowed to get back to wondering why she's wearing a dress that's so unflattering to her hips.
Serena
No, wait: First, Barry wants them to list everyone they've ever been with. This is the EXACT face Serena makes, in total silence. This face says, "We only have five more episodes so we'd better get started NOW." Barry amends that he's okay with limiting it to second base and beyond. Again, Serena's face says, "Wait, there is more than one base?!?!" Seriously, this whole weird beat in this story turned into her and Barry laughing to each other about the enormous line of crazies they've both bedded. It was odd.
Blair
Meanwhile, Blair is also wearing a singularly unflattering shirt, as she dodges calls from her mother about her failed fashion line, and instead devotes herself to the dumbness that is Chuck's plot. They have somehow linked Bart's Dubai activities to somebody called Lady Alexander, and after extensive banging of heads and gnashing of teeth, Blair is like, "I GUESS I could type the name into my search engine...?" and immediately manages to link "Lady Alexander" to a local portraitist. If you're wondering why Gossip Girl's only blast lately is something about Lily being lame, it's because she is asleep and/or considering transferring her eagle eyes to a polygamist compound because at least shit HAPPENS there.
Lily
I feel both of these facial expressions. I also love Lily's dress. Turns out Lily is sad because Gossip Girl has leaked word of the fact that she slept with Rufus the night before her wedding to Bart, lo those many years ago. Bart's like, "Eh, whatevs," and blames Chuck. Lily doesn't think Chuck would do that to her. Bart still pretty much hates his child with the white-hot fire of a thousand Georgina Sparks revenge schemes. Later in the hour, he asks Lily to choose between him and Chuck -- as in, cut off Chuck and stay married, or split up. Lily is pathologically incapable of being alone, but also likes Chuck way better than any of her other kids/stepkids, so she's sad.
Blair and Chuck
I also CHERISH this facial configuration from Chuck. What is he DOING? He looks like he's trying to stave off an allergy attack. Anyway, after some inanity, Chuck and Blair figure out that Lady Alexander is not a person but a horse.
Lady Alexander
This is the painting. It's disturbing. Cool, but also reminds me of those charts that divvy up cows into the different cuts of steak. Not exactly a fond keepsake of a beloved animal. Anyway, Chuck and Blair figure out that Bart bought Lady Alexander and eleven other horses in the span of one month from the Sheik who owns them, and LO AND BEHOLD, his kid is competing in the horse show that's just up yonder. So now the Scooby Don't gang is going there to meddle.
Georgina
Serena interrupts Dan's girlfriend auditions, and Georgina makes her fork over her purse to protect against recording devices, because Dan's words are so precious now. This is important for later. Meanwhile, Serena begs Dan not to write up their tryst last season at the Campbell Apartment, ostensibly because People Will Get Hurt, but mostly because she doesn't want anyone to know she slept with a dude whose hair looks like it was built by a pregnant bird in urgent need of a treetop birthing suite. Dan tells her he won't, and then more or less shits all over her, so she flounces out.
Nate
Oh, Nate. You have a face for modeling and a mind for sleeping. Bart Bass agrees -- he tries to bribe Nate, saying he'll save the Spectator if Nate will write only positive things about Lily. Nate sees through this and anticipates more strings with the money -- like attacks on Chuck -- and so he tells Bart not to let the door hit him in the Bass on his way out.
Nate and Ivy
And then Nate hightails it over to Rufus's loft. He figured out somehow that Ivy leaked the LIly stuff to Gossip Girl -- which she did, because she was unpacking all Rufus's stuff that Lily shipped over (first out of the box: a waffle iron, OF COURSE), and she found a hand-penned loveletter from Lily about how that night of passion was the most intense ecstasy she's ever felt in her entire life, and yet since Rufus was so poor she had no interest in being with him. Okay, I'm paraphrasing. Anyway, Nate tells her what Bart did and then I guess orders Ivy to dig up more secrets from the boxes that he can peddle as Spectator exclusives.
Lily
"So you're telling me you are going to a horse show? Upstate? To maybe buy the ranch? Even though you aren't interested in such things and don't currently have any assets that I remember because didn't your father reclaim them so what are you LIVING on, anyway, Chuck? ... Well, okay! This all seems totally plausible! Let's go together!"
Lily, Chuck, and Blair
So Blair gets as thematic as she can -- although I do not believe she would wear those pants because they are leggings, and not proper jodhpurs, which would go against her every instinct -- and the three of them mosey on up to what appears to be a very small and poorly attended "massive" horse show.
Blair and Chuck
Chuck is seriously the best in this episode. EVEN HE is like, "What the hell is going ON HERE?" I'll sum up: Turns out Bart followed them up there, and gets to the Sheik's daughter just as Chuck is pumping her for information. They're old family friends! Bart bought her adored pet so he could send it to a wonderful happy farm where it would be taken care of and provided with a stable of eager mares! Bart is great! Yay! Chuck, feeling thwarted, pretends to Bart that he will give up on this quest. But he clearly still thinks this whole thing is... well, see the above face.
hats
Let's take a break now for some millinery. I think we all have to give it up for the extra in the cheesy Panama hat who is grinning like a goober in the background of the bottom picture. I'm happy that the apparently eight people who came to this event tried so hard to elevate America's lid game. The win goes to the girl in the top-middle, whose head looks like she lost her first hat during a vigorous bathroom tryst and improvised with one of the rolled napkins from inside.
Sage and Serena
Sage, of course, is wearing a hipster hat that's sitting on her head about as convincingly as that braid of fake hair, giving her the overall impression of being dressed as Singles-era Bridget Fonda for Halloween. And Serena looks like a My Little Pony sneezed all over her. If Barry is really such a big deal, the photogs would be all over the May-December hilarity of this pairing, AND, while we're at it, Page Six and Gossip Girl already would've pointed out the fact that she and her quasi-stepdaughter have both slept with Nate. AND FINALLY I do think Barry would be asking Serena to consider dressing like she doesn't shop in the Juniors department.
Nate
"Man, I've been following your career, like, FOREVER," says Nate, a boy who until two days ago thought "business" was spelled with a Z.
Barry, Lily, and Serena
So of course, right as Barry endorses Nate's awesomeness, a blast from the Spectator comes through revealing that Lily and Barry once slept together. The best part is that Barry has no memory of it. She was divorcing someone else back then, and he was drunk and on painkillers for some blah-blah, and they were at a wedding, and long story short, Lily -- who is ALWAYS trying to get up in people's business -- decided to sit on this information and do nothing until right this second. While smiling. And laughing. None of this makes any sense. It's The Bold and the Beautiful up in here. Next Serena will be married to Bart Bass and Chuck will get marooned on an island with Lily and they'll have sex while under the effects of hallucinogenic berries.
Nate and Sage
"Oops," says Nate. Little does he know that Bart Bass has a plant at the Spectator who is whispering to Bart that Nate is cooking the books. Our boy is in some trouble. At least this show is being realistic about SOMETHING.
Chuck
So, the Sheik's daughter did some digging, y'all. And it turns out -- you are not going to believe this -- that there IS no Happy Sparkle Skippy Love Horse Farm. Betrayal! By Bart Bass! Further, this somehow leads Chuck and Blair to conclude that Bart was using this to smuggle oil. I CAN'T. This is so boring. Making Chuck work at Blair's fashion house would have been so much more interesting. And APT. LOOK AT HIM. He could totally spin off an Eleanor Waldorf menswear line. Call it Statler & Waldorf. DONE.
Ivy
In case you are wondering whether Rufus still blindly trusts Ivy, and whether Ivy feels just TERRIBLE about the fact that she's supposedly playing him even though there's been no mention of that since the premiere, well, yes to all.
Serena
And Serena, who was making out with Barry earlier when Sage walked in and was grossed out, canters nakedly through the apartment at night. Because they all know Sage is sleeping at Nate's.
Please
She decides to delete the video of her sleeping with Dan. Question: Why didn't she delete that IMMEDIATELY? I guess we're to think she hung onto it in case she needed something to hurt Blair? But if it's supposedly so damaging to HER, what is it doing on her phone? Oh, wait, I know the answer...
Georgina
It's so Georgina, who you'll remember confiscated Serena's purse earlier, could send it to herself and then watch it on her laptop while imagining exfoliating her erogenous zones with Dan's old Sideshow Bob coif.
Blair!!
WHAT?!? Suddenly Blair is Gloria Swanson?
Blair
Give me a break. This is terrible. I LOVE IT.
Dan
And so does Dan, who comes begging for a place to stay, while conveniently throwing in Blair's face that he gave her support when nobody else would. Blair takes pity on his head, and his life I guess, and allows him to sleep in Serena's room. Which if I remember correctly, adjoins somewhat with Blair's. Dan seems to remember that, too, as he appears slyly delighted by this and so presumably he's going to try and make a Waldorf Salad soon. Enough misunderstandings and horse farms, show. Let's get SCHEMEY.