Dan and Serena
So, these two have been having sex and drinking coffee, and aren't telling anyone yet that they're doing either of those things. They decide they can't go public until they make amends with the people they've wronged -- for Serena, that's Blair; for Dan, that's basically everyone, including viewers. He has a LOT of apologizing to do for his hair.
Bart Bass
Listen, I know Bart's envelope of doom is very important to him, but he would NEVER stoop to breaking into Chuck's suite HIMSELF to ransack the place and find it. He'd hire a goon, and then said goon would punch Chuck in the face in a panic.
Chuck
Instead, when Chuck gets there, he calmly calls security and they stew at each other until Ivy swans in and says SHE has the envelope they want, and she's ready to talk turkey. I am more concerned with the asinine painting of a groin that's hanging askance on the wall. (Look, I know Bart hid his stuff behind a painting but did he REALLY think Chuck would do it too, much less use that one, and FINALLY would he really take such pains to hang it BACK on the wall crooked? Classic case of an over-staged crime scene.) It reminds me of the before/after close-up ass photos that were in that old Callanetics workout book from the '80s, and if your family didn't have one, you MISSED OUT. I am old.
Nate
Poor Nate. He reduced himself to jogging in a nice suit, all to catch up with the dude who is trying to collect on the Spectator's line of credit. Nate gets him to agree to talk to the lender about an extension. Nate is a terrible business person. Why didn't Nate's grandfather hire a competent accounting department for him when he created this stupid paper? Or hire a business manager? Do I have to do everything? And why couldn't NATE have been all sweaty in tiny jogging shorts? I mean really.
Blair
This show can't operate without the threat of, "... and it has to be ready TONIGHT for the big gala/fundraiser/show/party." Even though at most a week has passed, apparently Blair's entire B line is showing at a pop-up shop THIS VERY NIGHT and THE STAKES THEY ARE SO HIGH, just like her hemline. I know Blair is trying to channel UES high-school queen bees, but this is going a little far. Blair wouldn't ever come that close to flashing her business; that's Serena's job.
Serena
CASE IN POINT. Nothing about this outfit is un-awful. It's a carnival of no.
Blair
Each of Blair's pieces needs to be liberated so that it can marry another outfit. Serena is trying to be supportive of Blair and says she'll stay there all day until Blair forgives her for sleeping with both Dan and Nate on the same bar four years apart, but Blair doesn't care, rightly, because that is a super trashy thing to do with your friend's boyfriend(s). Also, that poor bar. Did any one clean it? Is there a Serena Van Der Woodsen memorial butt print on there that someone has laminated and blessed with a plaque?
Nelly Yuki
Also lame: Nelly Yuki stops by the Atelier for one split second, JUST to tell Blair, "You need to succeed tonight OR YOU ARE DOOMED, and I WILL BE THERE TO WRITE THE STORY." That is a lot of trouble to go to for some threatening exposition, Nelly. You work for WWD; don't you have some Balenciaga news to write about?
Serena and Blair and Dorota
So Blair panics, because OMG TONIGHT EVERYTHING HAS TO HAPPEN IMMMMMMMEDIATELY and what if teenagers don't come to her pop-up store and love it? And of course, Blair has learned nothing from any of anything ever, so rather than stand on her own she decides to stack the deck. Serena comes up with a plan: They backdate a photo of her and Barry Watson kissing and send it to Gossip Girl, so that Sage -- Constance's queen -- will think S and Barry are back together, and return to Blair for help splitting them up, and Blair can rope her into helping make sure people rave about the clothes. Sure.
Ivy and Bart and Chuck
Ivy tells Bart and Chuck that she will give the microfilm -- containing I DON'T EVEN CARE AT THIS POINT -- to whichever of them comes up with the best plan to ruin Lily and leave her alone and penniless and sad and unlovable. This seems extreme -- isn't it more fun to mess with her the way it is now, at all her high-society events, in front of all her high-society friends? Not that Lily demonstrably has any, but you know.
Ivy and William
And then BOOM: It's revealed that Ivy's main co-conspirator is BILLY BALDWIN, aka William van der Woodsen, Serena's father and that of the real Charlie Rhodes. Since Ivy once tried to be Charlie Rhodes, this makes for theoretical incest, but whatever. The Bold and the Beautiful is like, "You're so quaint, Heather." Anyway, William is acting under Lola's orders as well, and he and Ivy have Fallen In Love (I'm so sure). There is one really hilarious line where Ivy gripes that she cannot possibly eat another waffle.
Chuck
"What will be my greater regret: ruining Lily, giving up the fight against Bart, or mixing plaid and paisley?"
Lily and Rufus
Lily makes Rufus meet her at the park, to appeal to his greater nature and see if he'll make Ivy return the microfilm without hurting anyone. Rufus is like, "But if I do that, then nobody will get hurt, and WHERE IS THE FUN IN THAT?" He essentially says, "You reap what you sow," and leaves in a whirlwind of pettyness.
Ivy and William
Which is CONVEEEEENIENT, because as he's leaving the park, he sees Ivy kissing William goodbye (though he doesn't see William's face, I feel like... he would have been able to see enough to recognize his archrival). It is idiotic that Ivy and William, after hiding away, would then kiss each other in the street in full view of everyone. But it is conducive to plot shenanigans. Rufus confronts Ivy later and she says that this man was in her life before Rufus, and she thought it was over, but it's not, and so she leaves. William is not thrilled that she extricated herself from that relationship so early because what if Rufus falls for Lily again and thus Lily is not sad and alone? Ivy promises that won't happen. Oh, Ivy. You need to put on some glasses so you can read this situation.
Bart and Nate
Unimportant business: Bart reveals himself to Nate as the Spectator's savior. Very important business: Nate appears to have a large black and white photo of Andre the Giant in his office. I LOVE that Nate is a Fezzik-o-phile. He DOES want a peanut.
Blair
These girls, who call themselves The Five Dons (it's kind of funny, actually -- Sage basically says that the mafia is more intimidating than royalty) -- are the social heads of the big private schools. And they are dressed so absurdly that you KNOW they are going to eat up whatever Blair sells them. Blair instructs them to fawn over her clothes at the event that night, and they agree because each Don gets to ask one favor of the entire group and blah blah blah. But -- and this will shock nobody -- Sage sees her father weeping into his Corn Flakes, or whatever, and realizes she's been scammed. So she calls the Dons and tells them that they got played. Poor Barry. He's sobbing into his food and Serena is laughing into Dan's mouth.
Chuck and Ivy
Chuck calls Ivy and tells her that he plans to ruin Lily by planting the microfilm on her at Blair's big party, and having the Feds swoop in and make an arrest. Ivy deems this sufficiently public, and she and William celebrate, and she says all kinds of things about how they're IN LOOOOVE and they finally can be TOGETHER, and he looks totally noncommittal, so you know Ivy is going to get romantical comeuppance.
Dan
Dan, meanwhile, is ingratiating himself to Chuck and Nate by trying to find the microfilm himself. As he gets caught rifling through Rufus's house, he claims he's there to make amends, and so the Borings forgive each other.
Bart
Bart calls Ivy, and makes Nate attest to Chuck's real plan: Lily was never going to be at the event, and the whole scheme was just a ploy to get the microfilm back without hurting Lily. So Ivy decides to sign onto Bart's plan, instead, and Nate looks miserable because he just hosed his one true love, Chuck, out of his interminable revenge scheme.
The Dons
The angry Dons show up at Blair's party dressed like the world's most ridiculous 29-year olds. Although the girl in red, with her hot pink ombre houndstooth tights, is kind of great -- the outfit is not good but she is wearing it with such authority that she is CLEARLY the only one of the bunch with any kind of Blair-like social credentials. Anyway, they tell Blair that, BUSTED, they're only there to dump on the clothes as loudly as possible. Blair is stunned, because every single scheme of hers EVER has ALWAYS BACKFIRED, so the fact that this falls into that pattern is obviously a great shock.
Blair
And so she panics, because without approval from actual teens, she's just the designer of some totally absurd non-uniform uniforms. Because, yes, she was not just speaking metaphorically; the inspiration actually IS schoolgirl uniforms. Which, come on. Half these girls go to schools that HAVE uniforms, even if they find creative and increasingly unrealistic ways to flout them. Why are you making them uniforms for their off-hours? My dad never once came home from work and took off his tie just so he could put on another tie for lounging.
Chuck and Nate
Chuck figures out that his plan isn't going to work and Ivy isn't going to show. So he stumbles across Nate, who is drinking himself into a coma over this betrayal of his soulmate. Chuck encourages him to tell him how Bart forced him into EVIL and Nate obliges.
Bart and Ivy
Meanwhile, Ivy meets with Bart. His big plan is to trade the microfilm for divorce papers. Ivy thinks that's not enough, so she orders him to get naked so they can stage some sex photos, because knowing she lost TWO husbands to Ivy will traumatize Lily forever. Chuck interrupts this, though, and urges Ivy to reconsider. BORING. Somewhere in all this, Ivy hands Bart the envelope and he rips it open and POOF, it's empty.
Ivy
Ivy clearly goes into shock, because instead of stepping two feet away and putting back on the shirt she ripped off, she walks a greater distance into the bathroom and grabs the complimentary satin robe. Then she calls William in a panic. He of course does not answer. And right here is where I think he has the microfilm.
Rufus
But no, Rufus swiped it from Ivy's purse and, after learning of her infidelity, returns it to Lily just so he can be a good guy again. Lily accepts it. No waffles are harmed. But Dan overhears this and texts Chuck that Lily already has the microfilm, so Chuck bolts the hotel and basically Ivy is bigtime hosed, and I'm not just talking about all the gentlemen she's seen naked lately.
Serena
Meanwhile, Serena, Warrior Princess, pops up at Blair's shop and gives her a pep talk that does not include ways to get oneself out of sartorial bondage.
S and B
Pausing, of course, for a deliciously insincere photo op.
S and B
Blair thinks Serena manipulated the situation with Sage for nefarious purposes, but S insists she's innocent and then tells Blair to look around at how much everyone loves the innovative clothes. Many of which appear to be... white collared blouses. Seriously? Well, I guess that saves the show some costuming money.
Dorota
Oh, Dorota, you make everything awesome. Dorota is of course stuck WEARING one of the idiotic jumpers and ties Blair is selling -- WHO IS GOING TO WEAR THIS ON PURPOSE IN THEIR FREE TIME? -- but still with her maid's cap. She points out to Blair that everything is selling like hotcakes, including to the Dons, who threw off Sage's instructions to hate everything because they actually want to own it all. Blair is a success, inexplicably.
Chuck and Lily
Chuck, meanwhile, is unable to convince Lily that he means well -- and when he tells her, truthfully, that Bart accepted Ivy's challenge and had divorce papers in hand and was undressing. Lily, in this moment, chooses to believe in Bart and not Chuck, and throws the microfilm into the fire, and Chuck seriously has to hold himself back from diving in after it. So... seven episodes chasing this white whale, and it gets cooked. I feel your pain, Chuck.
Chuck and Blair
So now CHUCK goes to Nate's sad drinking seat and guzzles amber fluids, and when Blair triumphantly shows up and wants to bring him to her afterparty, Chuck tells her that he has FAILED and they can never be together now. You people are gluttons for suffering, you know that? You're Chuck Bass. You're still rich, judging by the money you were offering Ivy. Start your OWN company to challenge your father. SUCK IT UP, GLOOMY GUTS. My dad would call him a lean streak of misery.
William
Ivy runs to William and tells him the film is gone, there is no deal, Lily will never be ruined, and all their hard work is for naught. But, hey, at least they have each other and their truest of loves! William's face tells you different. My theory: He was in this to push Lily as low as possible, so that HE could pick up the pieces with her, and that's why he wanted Ivy with Rufus. We shall see.
Nate
Bart reminds Nate that he OWNS Nate's adorable behind, and Nate had better fall in line. Nate is like, "Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something, because I'm terrible with women but I am GREAT at being at the beck and call of other dudes."
Dan
"Oh, hey, Serena. You want a piece of this? You do? And we always said that if we started this again it would be forever, so are you cool with that? You are? Awesome, girl. Go get some champagne so we can celebrate going public, even though it is a fallacy that you're so in love with me a week after you were prepared to ACCEPT A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL from another man WHO IS AT HOME CRYING OVER YOU RIGHT NOW."
Georgina
Indeed, Georgina calls Dan to snap at him about how he's dropped off the face of the earth, and he whispers, "I'm working on a Serena chapter," before abruptly hanging up. I hope he means it, and he's not just lying to make Georgina go away. Georgina should NEVER go away. Her arc was the worst ever when she came on the show near the end of season one, and now, she is indispensable to it. Funny.
D and S
So, Dan and Serena have the sex after agreeing to go public, and we are left dreaming of a book chapter all about how she is completely unable to be alone for even five minutes, and is professing her eternal desire to be with her high-school boyfriend about ten minutes after she was grief-eating to cope with her breakup from Barry Watson. That is going to be a superb chapter, done right. But it's Dan doing it, so... sigh.