Blair

Right after her accident, Blair pops up looking like a very chic bagpiper. No euphemism.

Serena

Serena is at work here, using a cardigan to try and dress down a fancy -- though admittedly pretty -- party frock you'd expect to see her don for a big party at which social media is somehow somebody's undoing. This show really ought to do a crossover with Revenge, in that respect. Connor Paolo can play both his roles.

Serena

I want to make fun of Serena's blogging posture, but who am I kidding? I am worse.

Blair

Aw. Blair looks lovely in her custom Vera Wang wedding gown, which Dan helps her conclude she can't wear because it was from When There Was A Baby and it's too sad. Which is essentially the only time the baby gets mourned, which itself is also too sad.

Blair and Dan

Blair really should have lived in another era -- she dresses for confession, right down to making sure her blouse tie pokes out over her cape.

Blair

For New Year's Eve, though, she opts for a very simple and lovely cocktail dress. In contrast to Serena. Oh, Serena. Let's talk about Serena.

Serena

In this photo, I thought, "Oh, it's a glittery tunic and leggings."

Serena

But they are TIGHTS. Serena! Have you not been paying attention? You are Blair's best friend, and she is a major player in the "TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS" campaign. She will be so cross that you didn't take her schoolyard maxims to heart.

Serena

I mean, COME ON. That thing barely skims your crotch. I know it's New Year's Eve but don't make yourself that much of a spectator sport, okay? Also, how come she dresses better when she goes to work than on New Year's? Wait, never mind, nobody should try to understand Serena's mind, mostly because she is out of it a lot of the time.

Serena

However, in her defense, that IS a cute coat. Indeed, she's wearing a short skirt and a long jacket. She is a walking Cake song.

Blair and her sister-in-law

It almost looks like Blair shoved up that one shoulder covering so she could flex for her future sister-in-law. Also, why is all that food on the table? Much of it looks like greasy meats. None of that is going on either of these girls' plates and we all know it.

Blair

Blair is such a Wartime Bride. I keep expecting her big confessions to be about having impure thoughts for a wounded soldier while her beau is on the battlefield. I suppose that's sort of still accurate, if the "battlefield" is Louiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis's bachelor night in Monaco and "wounded soldier" is Chuck Bass, who is both literally and figuratively ailing pretty much all the time.

Blair

I just love the effort she's putting into her conversion to Catholicism. There are little old ladies who've gone to confession every day of their lives who wouldn't try this hard. Blair must really think God smiles down upon all His carefully accessorized children.

Chuck

In which case, he must be grinning rainbows at Chuck, who is thoughtfully following Blair in a fuzzy collar. Fuzzy animal-print cancels out stalking in His eyes.

Chuck

But this was actually the OTHER funniest moment in the hour: While spying on Blair and calling one of his bros, Chuck blithely and effortlessly catches a stumbling old man and sends him on his stable way. It's a throwaway moment, but a good one. Spying AND saving people. He's both informed and reformed.

Rufus

And then here he is, Rufus Humphrey, sitting on a couch snickering over Serena's blazing-hot wit. Want to see it?

S by S

It's called "S by S," and it's super lame. Seriously, I'm not even sure there is one thing in here that's actually intended as a joke -- unless Rufus is giving her credit for extreme comedic understatement when she says, "I've fallen for a few bad guys." You'd think the writers would KNOW Serena's entry is not good, since presumably one of them had to try and get inside her head and write it. Couldn't they have made Rufus just sort of comment on how it's all spelled correctly, or contains words used in the general correct order? Why did he have to guffaw? Is he drunk? Please can Rufus be drunk so that he stops acting like somebody's square grandfather all the time.

Dan and his agent

And while we're at it: Couldn't they just have nixed the soda can props? Because I cannot imagine anyone in a major meeting serves Diet Coke wrapped in identity-masking paper towels, unless of course that meeting is at Pepsi.

Serena

Okay, the skirt it short, but Serena looks cute here. Even with the cat-scratch sequin sweater. Frankly, I don't find it that far-fetched that, living at Waldorf Palace, Serena would encounter a feline whose claws shoot sparkles.

Blair

Blair, at her bachelorette party, needed some air after a few shots. I enjoy that she is wearing a dress on her hen night that is like a Vagina Superhighway.

Blair

At least Blair still has good taste in coats. She probably learned that from when she was trying to hide being pregnant.

Serena

And in comes Nurse Serena, in her best see-through blouse and tiny skirt. She really believes in the healing power of her breasts. But the best part is that Serena brings Blair some tea that she apparently made from a press, or whatever, as if Serena even knows what those words mean in that order.

Serena

However, even though you can see her bra, she DOES look cute. If only she'd gone camisole instead of straight to her other teacups. But then, she wouldn't be Serena if she were practical.

Fug the Show: Gossip Girl, episodes 5-11 and 5-12

The funniest part of either of these Gossip Girl episodes: when Rufus Humphrey sat on the couch giggling like a schoolgirl over Serena's first blog entry, as if a) we can legit believe Serena has ever said or done anything funny, much less written it down ably; or b) we are incapable of pausing our TV on the screen shot of said entry, reading it ourselves, and judging Rufus either a terrible liar or a master of subtle sarcasm. But before we get to that screen shot, which I lovingly tried to snap for us all, there are a lot of clothes, some of which ARE NOT PANTS. AHEM. SERENA. Plotwise: Sadly, Chuck did NOT get Blair Amnesia; instead, Blair lost the baby and then dumped Chuck because she made a pact with God that if he lived she would marry Louis. If she's going to get all religious about it, doesn't she think God would rather she didn't make a mockery of it by marrying a guy she doesn't love who has no personality? Who is she, Kim Kardashian? And she won't waver because when she considered reneging, Chuck almost got hit by a taxi. Well, nudged, really. But still. Chuck is after the truth, and he teams up with Evil Priest of Monaco to stop the wedding. Evil Priest wants to stop it because Blair doesn't like him and wants him gone; Blair's sister-in-law wanted to stop it because she's sleeping with Evil Priest and she wants the power that Louiiiiiiiiiiiiiis is going to have, but of course she decides she likes Blair and doesn't want to hurt her. Meanwhile, Serena is pretending to date Dan because of boring plot reasons that have to do with Blair hiding from Louiiiiiiiiiiiiis that Dan was helping her go to Church blah blah blah Chuck; Dan wants to write another book and nobody cares (meaning, us); Nate learns that his dumb cousin caused the limo crash because he meant to nail Nate, then quits The Spectator because Grandfather zzzzzzzzzz who cares; Serena writes a "good" first blog entry and then quits for zzzzz reasons; and Blair decides she's right to marry Louiiiiiiis -- for the EIGHTIETH TIME -- because she found the vows he wrote and they get right into her soul. So of course, we find out Dan wrote them. Poor Dan. You know the show thinks he's boring when he's flagrantly in love with Blair and they're not even PRETENDING she could love him back.