> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Fug the Show: Gossip Girl, Final Season, Episode 1 - URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-gossip-girl-final-season-episode-1/ - Published: 2012-10-11T15:00:54.000Z - Updated: 2012-10-11T04:49:11.000Z - Author: Heather - Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:31 ## Blair and Chuck ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2012/10/img_0171-2.jpg) We pick up shortly after the events of the season finale: Blair and Chuck reignited their passion for each other after a night of gambling, and in a well-cut montage of what everyone's up to that was entirely strung together by double-entendres, we learn that they banged the hell out of each other. Which makes sense. Blair was due for a proper roll in the 1000-thread-count hay after having to shack up with Prince Louiiiiis, whose prowess I suspect was as limp as his personality. ## Nate ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0178.png) Nate, meanwhile, is being a media mogul, because that's SUPER easy. As is Nate, who will -- at the end of the episode -- accept an invitation for drinks with this journalism student who professes her admiration for him while wearing tiny leopard formal shorts, and who therefore will probably be his undoing. Or at least his trousers' undoing. ## Nate ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0180.png) Parenthetically, Nate -- who appears to equate his level of importance at work with the length of his sideburns -- holds all his staff meetings at 7 a.m., apparently, and has a whole Who Is Gossip Girl maze on his wall that helpfully begins with a Post-It labeled "START," like it's a game of Candyland and all he has to do to advance is draw a card with a picture of a cake on it. I do think that's probably what Nate figured being a Media Mogul was like. This is supposed to be the Spectator's big re-launch secret story, so of course, he has it plastered all over his wall, which Journalism Girl totally saw. ## Dan and Georgina ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0174.png) At the end of last season Dan was doing some dopey thing in Italy for writers. But he also corralled Georgina to help him BRING DOWN THE UPPER EAST SIDE, through WORDS. Again. More words about the same people. Georgina thinks this revenge idea is great -- WAY better than Japanese Revenge Camp, what with all the drowning and introspection -- and proves it by bringing her most dramatic sun parasol to their covert writing rendezvous. ## Serena ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0176.png) And Serena OD'd on a train and passed out prettily with a pretty trail of blood drizzing from her pretty nose. A passenger discovered her there with great alarm. And yet somehow: a) This did not make the news; b) if it did, then none of her friends or family watch the news; c) wait, that actually seems about right; d) nobody looked at her ID and notified her family. Well done. ## Blair ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/GG_Blair.jpg) So basically, four months later, Blair -- who is supposed to be taking over her mother's fashion line -- is having tea in front of a French manor house, wearing all the florals and accoutrements one would assume Blair would adopt while in Paris. And then she gets a call notifying her that Serena is apparently missing. Nobody noticed until Lily came home from her vow renewal/honeymoon with Bart Bass and realized Serena hadn't been opening the mail. Let's review: Serena disappeared for FOUR MONTHS, and EVEN HER OWN MOTHER did not notice. The therapy bills will be sizable. ## Louiiiiis II ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0184.png) Blair also has a French personal assistant who looks like a cross between Louiiiis and Chuck. He is talking about her as if they're sleeping together. They are not. Spoiler: She and Chuck made a pact to be together once they've each conquered the tasks in front of them: Him, finding a hot lady in Dubai who might know some of Bart Bass's big secrets so Chuck can wrest back control of blah blah blah, and her, taking over a fashion company from her retiring mother even though she's still only like 20 and has never drawn anything in her life except hearts on her Trapper Keeper that probably said "Mrs. Blair Archibald." ## Georgina ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0185.png) Georgina is really having a dramatic necklace moment. I love it. She is a delight now. She is basically making Dan type *More Mean Words: Wait, Let Me Try This Thing Again* on a vintage typewriter so nobody can hack it. I hope the wind blows it away. ## Dan ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0187.png) The wind will not blow that away, sadly. Dan has apparently decided ONLY to shave the SIDES of his head. He gets a call about Serena's disappearance and Georgina decides that they should drop everything and find her because the scandal would make a superb ending to *More Words: Me Me Me Listen To Me*. So, after she uses Dan's head to scour the sink in their hotel bathroom, off they go back to New York. ## Chuck's Passport ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_01901.png) This photo is supposedly from 2006, when Chuck's passport was issued. It's worth noting that this is ridiculous and impossible. Chuck was still in high-school then, his hair looked like rained-on Bieber, and he wasn't wearing suits yet. The least the show could do is pull a photo from the costume archives, or doctor a screen grab. ## The Gang ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0197.png) It's nice to see that Serena's absence hasn't dampened Chuck's flair for dressing like he's in a barbershop quartet. Chuck flaunts Lady Dubai in front of Bart, who pretends not to know her for Lily's benefit, and he and Blair get all het up about their respective opposite-sex hangers-on until they pant privately at each other that they are Fully Committed to each other and zzzz. Lily is as delighted to see Chuck as she is terrible for not bothering with her actual biological children all summer long. Which is to say, very. ## Dan and Georgina ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_01992.png) I love these two together. I love her giant jewelry, I love the fact that Georgina is a ruthless schemer with HUMOR, the likes of which perks up every single scene she's in (Dear *Revenge*: She would make a perfect partner for Nolan), and I actually enjoy Dan when he actively doesn't care about whoever he's with and/or when I'm typing and not looking at his head. ## Blair, Chuck, and Nate ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_02022.png) This shot says so much to me about where this show ended up: Chuck, Blair, and a giant loofah blocking Nate's face. ## Rufus ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0209.png) Only Lily would have a framed photo of HER OWN PROFILE in her living room. ## Serena ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_02051.png) And lo, here is Serena, wearing a dress that is typically plunging and flimsy-looking. She is not on drugs, she is not hooking, and she's not in an insane asylum. Instead, she is calling herself Sabrina (Dan's alias for her from *Inside*, a.k.a. the FIRST book he wrote about all these fools), and claiming she's a Vassar grad from Wisconsin. This is terribly disappointing for Georgina, and frankly not that exciting for any of the others, either, because if they were all going to drop their lives -- revenge, fashion things, *More Words: I Have Thoughts And Stuff*, and in Nate's case, his exclusive on Gossip Girl, because he bartered his proof WITH GG in exchange for Serena's whereabouts -- to find Serena, you KNOW they all wanted it to be a heroic act. ## Serena ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/photo-1.png) Serena arrogantly acts put-upon and annoyed about this, as if their arrival after her months of silence does not play EXACTLY into her plan to regain the upper hand, despite having alienated all of them. She also mentally thanks the Lord that her boobs were out when they returned, lest any of them forget what really matters in life. ## Barry Watson ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_02141.png) It's revealed that Serena, after hitting rock bottom, somehow got in good with Barry Watson from *7th Heaven*, who is some kind of vitamin pioneer or whatever. It is only mildly creepy that Barry Watson is 38 and Blake Lively is playing a character who -- per her passport -- only just turned 21, AND during the month of July, during which she was missing. So this means Lily not only ignored her, but SKIPPED HER BIRTHDAY. I'm starting to feel badly for Serena. Except not, because only Serena Van Der Woodsen would come out of a drug coma on a train and end up in the arms of a rich dude with a country house. ## Dan and Blair ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0211.png) Everyone deduces from suggestive, yet conveniently incomplete sentences uttered by Serena that the shindig they've crashed is a wedding. And they assume it's Serena's and Barry's. THEY MUST STOP THE WEDDING, because they care so much that they didn't even notice Serena was gone. Dan doesn't want to help, though, because he hates all these people and because Serena is an asshat who was working as Gossip Girl, stabbing them all in the back and publishing Blair's diary. Blair ignores how patently logical it is that they should stop begging Serena for forgiveness, because she behaved so badly, and slaps Dan for not being sufficiently supportive. I have to say, bitter and snarky Dan is a much better Dan than lovesick smug Dan. ## Dan ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_02102.png) That slap appears to have knocked the anti-frizz right out of his hairball. ## Bart Bass ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_02132.png) Meanwhile, Bart shows up to blackmail Chuck's chickie, who demands $10 million to stay quiet. She later tells Chuck, in front of a briefcase of cash, that she has no idea what it is she's supposed to know, but now she wants to hang around and find out. Great. But the real news here is, Chuck evidently keeps an open bottle of red wine on his bar at all times. He is either really serious about letting a vintage breathe, or he likes his wine on the vinegar-y side. ## Dan ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0216.png) Dan is also the only person who manages to find Serena, who is clearly at the bar and not at all difficult to locate. She slaps him, too, for his snarkyness, and also for his grooming habits. But she realizes they all think she's getting married, and tells him -- off-camera -- the truth. But then the event starts, and Serena and Barry are standing under an archway together. Just as Dan arrives to tell them the truth, the priest starts speaking, and instead of finishing his sentence Dan just stops and throws up his hands. Way to be effectual, Sparky. Blair's brain explodes and she and Georgina scream out all Serena's unsavory secrets and her true identity as a way of stopping the wedding. It is tremendous how much Georgina enjoys this. ## Sigh ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_02192.png) Turns out these two are the grooms, and Serena was the maid of honor. I'M SO SURE. Chuck ought to be happy to meet them, though, as they look like two of his close-harmony-singing group brethren. ## Serena ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0221.png) Serena then manages to LECTURE all her friends on what terrible people they are while they all sit there looking sheepish. She has a point, but only a small one: YOU TREATED THEM TERRIBLY. YOU ARE A JERK. GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE. Only Serena would find moral high ground here, and only these yokels would let her claim it. Also: That dress looks wretched on her from behind. If Gossip Girl could see it, she'd call it a pregnancy scandal. ## Blair and Serena ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/photo-4.png) Blair looks kind of like a very well-to-do young college student trying to make her way in the world as a governess. This is apt, as she is totally mothering Serena, trying to convince her to come back to New York despite the fact that she's actually completely fine and none of them want to hang out with each other anymore. Blair makes up some argument about how their relationship has been rocky but they should accept that they're "stuck with each other," and Serena correctly decides that this is not a very appealing offer. ## Serena ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/photo-5.png) And she does it by looking at Blair as if she's something Serena stepped in on the way to the coke train. Blair Waldorf would NEVER. Serena LEAKED HER DIARY TO GOSSIP GIRL. There is no way, after that transgression, that Blair Waldorf would arrive here, learn that Serena is alive and living high on the hog, and then start groveling. I can't believe Serena pulled off that turnaround. She IS a genius, you guys. ## Nate's computer ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0225.png) No, Gossip Girl, I don't believe that IS ironic. Alanis Morrissette has a lot to answer for, no? ## Ivy ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0223.png) Ivy -- who is in cahoots with the ACTUAL cousin Charlie a.k.a. Lola, who is in L.A.acting, and with whom she is plotting EVERYONE'S downfall -- is totally playing Rufus. So while she looks cute, she pretends she is blinded by the awesomeness of Rufus's good heart and taste in knick knacks... ## Rufus ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0222.png) Rufus, meanwhile, has been letting Ivy -- a.k.a. the one who pretended to be Serena's cousin Charlie for a long time -- crash at his place. Lily has been looking down her nose at him, and she disapproves of him and Ivy buying some kind of gallery space together, and he's super duper smug about his vast collection of colored vases and bottles and jars. ## Rufus ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0224.png) ... and puts the moves on him. He's like, "Hmm..." and she's like, "Come on, I'm not a kid," and he's like, "Well, THAT is some infallible logic," and so they get it on. ## Rufus and Ivy ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0228-2.jpg) By which I mean, Ivy puts her knee somewhere up near his ear, because she read in *Cosmo* that all this time her vagina has actually been asking her to fold herself in half. ## Dan ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/10/IMG_0229-2.jpg) Dan, of course, walks in on this and is horrified -- partly because his father is banging his contemporary, but mostly because no girl has EVER kneed him in the earlobe during sex and it's Just. Not. Fair. So we head into next week knowing this: Ivy is playing Rufus while also playing WITH Rufus; Dan Knows Things; Serena has returned to New York with Barry; Blair and Chuck are still hot for each other but still not acting on it until boring boring business whatever; and Georgina rules. [Fug the Show: Gossip Girl, Final Season, Episode 1This was a pretty entertaining, quippy start to the season, but it also confirmed for me that Serena Van Der Woodsen is a horrible person. Only Serena could somehow make everyone bow and scrape to regain her affections after she treated them horribly. This may also make her the most unwittingly brilliant person ever -- and I say "unwittingly" because, well, it's Serena.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2012/10/img_0171-2.jpg)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-gossip-girl-final-season-episode-1-10-2012/)