Blair
Leighton Meester has become an expert at rattling off painfully crafted exposition. She resets the stakes here: Blair blew it with Nelly Yuki and WWD, she needs to nail this fashion show, it's not during Fashion Week but the writers came up with some elaborate reason why that's not cracked out, and Charlotte of Monaco is going to be her It Girl model because she's the only foreign royal who is still speaking to Blair, and Frenchie French is still her assistant. That blue thing is the first dress we see of Blair's stuff, and her reaction is that it needs to be longer. My reaction is that it LOOKS like she designed it in a week, possibly out of other dresses she found in her closet.
Blair
The color of that dress is nice, and the belt is... but you know, it's fine, at best. It looks like Eleanor Waldorf for Sears. Where IS Eleanor in all this? Did somebody shove her down a well? Is she stuck in Cyrus's sex swing somewhere and can't come to her daughter/her company's big show, to offer advice and support? Are you telling me Margaret Colin was THAT expensive or THAT unavailable?
Blair
Blair, at least, is having her panic attacks in red leather. In the immortal words of Wham, if you're gonna do it, do it right.
Serena, Barry, and Sage
Meanwhile, Serena is having breakfast with Barry and Sage, despite the fact that as of last episode she didn't even know Sage existed. No wonder this kid hates her. Maybe the answer to their problems is that Barry is an idiot. Anyway, Sage is ignoring them as rudely as she can -- which is, as she is 17 and possessed of a cell phone, EXTREMELY -- so Serena convinces Barry that she should take Sage under her wing because she can relate. Barry takes one look at his girlfriend, who lied about her identity when she met him after OD'ing on a train, and decides this is a marvelous idea. We're also reminded that they're all chill with her dating Nate just because Serena said he's decent. It's still WEIRD, people. There's age-appropriate, and then life-appropriate, and the years between 17 and Nate might be a literal skip but are a figurative chasm. And it's also, like, a 30-year swing for him from Elizabeth Hurley, which was publicized, and which Barry should be aware of as a person who reads things in New York, and which he should find creepy.
Chuck and Nate
Chuck is still chasing the identity of some dude in a grainy Dubai photo with Bart. Nobody cares. The only real news here is that his hair is even MORE Third Reich this week. I hope this leads to him starting a militia of dudes with weaponized bow ties.
Nate and Dan
Nate is going to hit "publish" on the first portion of Dan's scandalous serial. He wants to know if Dan is going to warn the subject, and Dan is like, "Screw that." Nate takes one look at Dan's hair and decides no further action is necessary. Reason no. 423 why Nate shouldn't be running a business.
Dan's piece
And this is Dan's big piece. Ivy is really mad and thinks Rufus should sue. I can't figure out why Nate chose it first because Rufus is terminally boring, except that maybe he thought a knock on Rufus would give all the high society ladies a kick. I'd also like to point out that I'm pretty sure that semi-colon should be a colon, and that "Rufus Humphrey's Glass Loft" reads like the title of a knockoff Roald Dahl children's book.
Serena and Sage
So, while Sage trots around looking like a busboy in some Broadway play about a restaurant called Spats, Serena and her tank top offers dull advice about how she knows step-parents are hard. Serena is forgetting that all HER step-parents were a normal parental age, rather than being contemporaries with her enough that she could date one of their friends with their blessing. Sage awesomely says, "And they say people can't be pretty AND smart," with such saccharine drip in her voice that it's AMAZING Serena takes it seriously, until you remember that it's Serena, and that is her actual opinion of herself.
Blair
Predictably, Charlotte Casiraghi's plane is grounded, so Blair freaks out because she has no It Girl model. She calls Serena and eats a huge plate of crow, then barfs up the feathers because Serena smugly says no, because Sage is her true calling now, because as usual What Serena Wants has changed YET AGAIN. So Blair basically passes out while wearing these awesome, awesome shoes. Again with the Wham.
Serena
Sage leads Serena on a wild goose chase that includes sticking her with a pricey lunch tab (at a place where the waiter was apparently okay with a 17-year old brat running up a bill and then swearing someone named Serena would come pay it -- I'm so sure). She and her tiny skirt flop down at Nate's office and whine that blah blah blah parenting is, like, so much harder than shopping.
Nate
Nate, naturally, has just trysted with Sage in his office. Because EVERY absurdly young media mogul thinks it's a good idea to be all, "Hey guys, don't come in my office, because my high-school-age girlfriend and I are going to be nailing on the desk real fast before her math test."
Dan and Nate
Oh, but Dan's piece is doing so well. That is, until Gossip Girl leaks that Rufus wants to sue. While Dan calmly insists that Rufus would never ACTUALLY sue -- he just wants to get up on his high horse and buck it right in Dan's face -- Nate is totally panicked and thinks this is because nobody called Rufus with a warning. I think it's more that a) you are supposed to call for COMMENT and a chance to refute the allegations, and b) you are supposed to have legal vet a piece like that specifically to protect you against slander or libel allegations. This is why Nate is the DUMBEST CHOICE EVER to run a paper. Why is nobody advising him? Sometimes I think Nate's brain is just one big game of Angry Birds: shit's getting knocked down and demolished left and right while a bunch of neurons laugh.
Dorota and Blair
Naturally, Blair has been told to take to her bed, so that she can a) show off her majestic floral robe; b) flaunt that awesome red teapot, and c) wail for someone who can read her mind to show up and fix all her problems. Enter Chuck, who decides his storyline is so boring that he can press pause and go use his renowned interior design expertise to set up her runway show. Also, this bedrest lasts for like two minutes. The entire plot of this episode could have happened in twenty.
Serena
And Serena arrives back at Barry's place, determined to tell him she lost Sage, only to learn that Sage has told him that Serena secured her a spot in Blair's runway show. Serena plays along with this deception, because she is so eager to be liked that she is willing to be a lousy influence. That's our girl. Also, honey, even Sage's skirts aren't that short. Why isn't Page Six all over the absurdities of this relationship? Exes Serena VDW and Nate Archibald, girl about town and media "mogul," date a father and his daughter? It's quite a pervy little quadrangle.
The fashion show
We just need to enjoy, for a moment, another awesome seating plan from Gossip Girl. In the front row we have: Azealia Banks, who is about as likely to wear Eleanor Waldorf as I am, and Kimora Lee Simmons, who is best known for her Baby Phat line, whose shows were basically a parade of clothes for Russian mail-order brides. BEHIND THEM is Natalie Portman, because... what, I guess the person most likely to win an Oscar for playing a Russian mail order bride is less monumental than the woman who dresses them. And then on the other side, model Arizona Muse has her name on a seat, and behind HER, Agyness Deyn and Karlie Kloss are listed. Why can't Blair pay one of them to be her It Model? It's times like this when I don't understand why the show doesn't just make up names on seats. Also, Blair puts Serena in the Arizona Muse seat, so why doesn't it have Serena's name on it? Come on, y'all. Get with it.
Blair
Blair is too busy wearing a bad dress to notice. From behind, on the previous slide, it looked great. But from the front it looks so cheap, like she has on a $5 tank from Forever 21 under there. Shouldn't this also be a dress FROM her collection? IS it from her collection? How come she's not talking it up? This girl is a terrible CEO.
She also agrees to let Sage into the show, in exchange for Serena sitting in the front row and clapping a lot, like one of those monkeys with cymbals. This seems like a fitting job for someone with Serena's confirmed abilities.
S and B
But when Serena arrives, Blair has refused to put her next to Barry; instead, she's with Nelly Yuki, who scribbles furiously as Serena spits that their clapping deal is officially off and promises to give Nelly her TRUE opinions. Nobody gives Serena a true opinion of her dress, which is that it's hideous, too tight, and ridiculous -- and she ALSO, like every other front-row celeb, should be in an Eleanor Waldorf original. Blair should have had an aneurysm at the thought anyone would assume this thing came from her creative loins.
Dan and Rufus
Dan and Rufus still don't like each other. Not even waffles can fix this. Rufus thinks Dan is a bitter jerk, and Dan thinks Rufus is a chump. They are both right. Rufus realizes, though, that Ivy lied to Gossip Girl that he was going to sue Dan, and lectures her on that scheming. She says he has to fight fire with fire, and basically, the prospect of continuing to sleep with her leads Rufus to decide she was acting in his best interests even though he has no intention of suing, and they decide to out themselves as a couple at his gallery opening. They should double date with Serena and Barry. Ivy and Barry can discuss things in multiple syllables while Serena and Rufus race to do the subtraction that would decide whose relationship has the larger age gap. Could take all night.
Fashion Show
Okay. Blair's show. The pluses: I don't dislike some of the individual pieces, and I enjoy the bright colors and flowers. But all put together, it's like a Blair Waldorf garden party fever dream. Those hats are madness. In that middle photo, it looks like they were made by punching a picture out of some paper, putting piece A into slot B, and then stapling.
Serena
Also, this drives me insane: They had the crowd clap for every dress. I am pretty sure it's common knowledge, outside The Great Muppet Caper, that this doesn't happen at fashion shows. They're not concerts. Absurd. Even Serena is like, "I'm only clapping because I believe in fairies."
Sage
Meanwhile, Sage comes out in some kind of trench dress, and immediately rips it off and struts around in her underwear. I don't buy this at all, because she's trying to cause trouble for everyone, yet she basically loses by having to look like an idiot. Serena immediately stands up and starts screaming about EXPLOITATION and INAPPROPRIATENESS and THIS IS FILTH. It's the dumbest thing ever, bceause a) Sage is 17, which is older than a lot of models; Karlie Kloss was something like 14 when she got started; b) regardless of how you feel about that, Serena knows Sage's true nature by now so it makes zero sense that she'd assume Sage was manipulated into being naked; and c) if it's so inappropriate that a 17-year old is in underpants at a fashion show, then why is it okay for her to be banging Nate Archibald in his office? Get off your pedestal, Serena. We can see up your skirt.
Blair and Alexa
Serena thus walks out in a huff, and because in this universe Serena is the moral compass even though she couldn't find true north if you handed her a map and a note that said, "True north is this way." Alexa Chung, whom Blair had somehow wrangled into her show -- yet NOT as her It Girl model, which I'm sure Alexa appreciates a whole lot -- refuses to go out there and runs away. That may have more to do with the atrocious sailor dress she's wearing, like she's starring in a hybrid of two beloved musicals called Anniething Goes.
Dan
Meanwhile, Dan sells the rest of his story to Vanity Fair out from under Nate's nose, and is REALLY cold and harsh about it when Nate confronts him. Something about Dan looks like a consumptive French poet who's a total drag at parties.
Sigh
Chuck finds out that this dude was with Bart in Dubai, and bribes him for information. The American flag is embarrassed to be involved in this subplot and has requested that a percentage of its stars and stripes be blocked from sight.
S and B
There's a terrible moment of, "You told Sage to get naked to embarrass me," and, "No, YOU told Sage to get naked to embarrass ME," and blah blah blah of COURSE Sage did it herself, you idiots. S and B look stunned -- STUNNED -- as this show depressingly makes Blair into an inept joke and Serena into... well, Serena. She doesn't change, and Blair is becoming cartoonish just so I guess she can have her triumph at the end. Which of course they're NOT, in the end, going to let her achieve without Chuck, because there's an entire scene later about how although they're still not having sex yet -- against Blair's hints -- they need team up and work together. It would be sweet if they hadn't built tough Blair into such a co-dependent sex freak.
Sage
Fortunately, Barry is not an idiot, and sees through Sage's plan. He's angry. Serena hisses that she's not going anywhere so Sage had better get used to it. The girls hate each other. Seriously, where is Nate in all his? He's the only person Sage cares about, so logically, you'd think Serena would ask him to tell Sage that she's cool and thus to back off and stop being an ass. And you'd think Nate would tell Sage not to be a brat. Instead, she shows up to his place and he's like, "Sweet, you're here, I need to sex away a bad night," and they do it and he never even asks her how the show went (even though he had intended to go). What a wonderful relationship.
Blair
Blair has been sleeping in robes and button-down pajama shirts. So of COURSE, on a night when Chuck "unexpectedly" arrives in her boudoir, she happens to be in slinky lingerie. She must be Bass psychic.
Nelly
And then. Poor Nelly Yuki finds Dan at the bar, tells him she's glad he took her advice and started standing up for himself and fighting, and offers him a place to live. She is totally hot for him, and he completely misses it because a vixen shows up, jiggles her chest near him, and tells him his piece in the Spectator was awesome and she wants to buy him a drink. Nelly looks disappointed. Nelly. It's DAN. You've been too good for him for about four years now. Also, congrats on getting through Yale in record time. Maybe you should go find Nolan on Revenge and leave these idiots to self-destruct.