Georgina

If you had told me during her first run on the show that Georgina Sparks would become the the firework necessary to make Gossip Girl fun again, I'd have laughed and then told you to quit bourbon. But somewhere around Bible Camp, this show made her HILARIOUS, and Trachtenberg seems to be having a freaking blast with her. I still think she's most effective in short doses, but I hope she's back for a good long time. And with LOTS of bonnets. But before we get to the full shot, let's backtrack to the start of the episode.

Serenalyn

It begins with Serena having a dream that she's Marilyn, singing "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" while surrounded by the likes of Nate and Dan, except Blake Lively looks like she's counting off steps in her head while barely moving her lips along with the song. They should have had her do "Material Girl," frankly.

Blairdry

Blair shows up in her Audrey Hepburn finest and steals Dan from Serena -- in the dream, but also in life -- and Serena is left all sad. But then she wakes up with a smile on her face, as if she suspects this could never ACTUALLY happen. Silly Serena. Doesn't she know the writers only truly love Blair on this show?

Serena

So do the costumers. WHAT IS THIS. Serena, in this scene, is going downstairs to a Waldorf family foyer that she KNOWS will be full of family and friends and the bride's fiance, who, here, is at the foot of the stairs apparently delivering a monologue to Serena's vagina about how excited he is.

Even better, though, is when Dorota pops over after and peers up at Serena and says, essentially, that Serena should cheer up because surely someday, someone will love her the way Blair is loved. It is the rudest "supportive" thing ever and yet because Serena is so gross for wearing this at this moment -- for real, I think half of that skirt is tucked into her labia -- I find it hilarious and want to hug Dorota.

Blair

Naturally, Blair is wearing a tiny, tiny hat. It's a fascinator shaped like a hat. A hatscinator.

YES

And then HERE IS GEORGINA SPARKS. We had already seen her in the park, making her cute manny push her baby pram while she spewed anti-Blair vitriol, but here she's accosting Evil Priest to try and rope him into her scheme. Which she does, except since she gets busted... it is never clear to anyone, including Georgina by her own admission, exactly what the priest was supposed to do. It's all just an excuse to have her pop up in odd situations looking like Ziegfeld's Militia. And thank God for that. Seriously, I clapped and rewound this part three times.

Serena

Naturally, Serena as maid of honor -- which, I sort of feel like Dorota should have been the maid of honor, given that she is both the source of most of their moral honor and their actual maid -- is wearing a pink confection that ends up being more elaborate and scene-stealing than the bride's dress. Blair would NEVER have allowed that. Even the bride being the natural spotlight at the wedding wouldn't have been enough. Blair has lifelong insecurities about Serena being better than she is; there is NO WAY this girl would have allowed Serena to wander down that aisle in anything that was even remotely more of a meringue than what Blair herself wore. I'm surprised she didn't stick Serena in a ripped t-shirt and Gap khakis.

Blair

Blair ALSO would never have styled her hair like this. Blair Waldorf would never, ever have walked down that aisle for ANY wedding, much less her own ROYAL WEDDING, with hair that looks like it's two years overdue for a hot oil treatment and three days late for its date with a hairbrush. That ANY of her friends or family allowed this wedding to continue at all, even WITH her protestations, is absurd because clearly she is not in her right mind.

Blair, Eleanor, Dorota, Serena

I mean, Eleanor is practically exfoliating on that stuff right now. How is she not saying, "My daughter would never get married while wearing a follicular Buf Puf"? Serena is just focusing on how awesomely retro her giant pouf is, and Dorota just looks like she is on her way to Downton Abbey for a benefit and can't WAIT to corner that deliciously servile Mr. Bates.

Georgina

Part of Georgina's church scheme involves putting on fake clergy robes. This seems to get her into the... back chambers, somehow, so she can get to Louiiiiiis? Except couldn't Evil Priest have snuck her in there? It's not like she's wearing an identity-obscuring helmet. It makes zero sense. Not even a LICK of sense. It only happened for this exact shot: They JUST wanted a scene where she pokes a fishnet-clad leg out of that outfit. And yet I am not complaining, because her shenanigans, however stupid, are a delight.

Georgina

Georgina threw off the robes to reveal this little number, which is what she was sprawling in when Rufus and Lily rained on her parade. They are fun killers. Not that Louiiiiiis would have nailed her anyway. What makes her think he is REMOTELY interesting enough to live on the edge like that? Not that infidelity is interesting in a good way, but you know what I mean. Louiiiiis's idea of drastic action is probably changing what flavor jam is on his toast.

Georgina

Thank God Georgina brought along another perfectly acceptable outfit. That girl has a suitcase full of secrets.

Guests

"Wait, you heard the hat budget for this episode was HOW BIG?"

Wedding Guest

The wedding cake has turned SENTIENT!

Wedding Guests

"Ohhh, so THAT'S how many i's are in Louiiiiiiiis."

Serena

Serena is all, "Have we discussed that my headband is very Blair Three Seasons Ago? Is this revenge?" No. Although I wish it were Revenge. Seriously, now that Georgina is back, the need for a crossover in which Connor Paolo plays both his roles -- and in a scene with himself, possibly in which one of him falls in love with the other one -- is EVEN GREATER.

Serena and Dan

COME ON. Serena looks like SHE is the bride (well, except for the pink, but still). Where is the real Blair Waldorf? When do we realize that she's being played by a double and the actual Blair is locked in a turret somewhere?

Bridesmaids

However, these ladies look absurd -- like carnation on legs -- and that seems like something Blair WOULD do to her minions. All of whom are apparently bridesmaids even after that elimination contest, because a) her sister-in-law got shipped off to the Peace Corps or something, b) Fauxlie Rhodes disappeared, and c) the show forgot she was only going to have one besides Serena. I guess that explains why Dan is in the wedding. Gotta have balance.

The MOG

Louiiiiiiis's mother lets down the side with a not-nearly-irrational-enough hat, although at least the man behind her has the good grace to look irritated that he can't see through it. Points to Princess Beatrice for that; at least at the Widdleton wedding whoever sat behind her would still have a fairly unobstructed view.

Blair and Louiiiiiis

Remember when Blair had Vera Wang remake her dress, because the old one was from when she was pregnant? This one is INCREDIBLY SIMILAR. I know it's more about emotions than design, but still. I was expecting her to go in a different direction. It's also shockingly basic. Again: Blair is marrying a prince, and NOW is when she chooses restraint? Really?

Blair

At least her face looked beautiful.

Charlie Rhodes

Oh, and apparently they hired Erika Christensen's life double to play The Real Charlie Rhodes. Who is living in New York under everyone's noses, somehow without anyone being aware, including her mother. Ridic. But that's Gossip Girl for you. Poor Nate. He always hooks up with only the most temporary people.

Fug the Show: Gossip Girl's 100th Episode and Royal Wedding

This one had it all: fascinators, froof, a terrible Marilyn spoof... and as icing on the cake, a true sartorial slow-clap in the form of Georgina Sparks rolling back into town looking like a deranged fox-hunting widow. Bless this girl. She may yet save this old dinosaur. Plotwise: Lots. Blair is being a martyr, like EVERYONE ELSE on this show (Chuck decides about twice a week that he's going to quit the Blair hunt because he loves her, Blair is avoiding Chuck because she loves him and won't tell him, Dan is tailing around doing Blair's bidding because he loves her but won't tell her, Nate pals around with everyone because he is willing to love any of them if they would just love him back and yet he won't tell them that; etc). So she decides to go through with the wedding -- even when her OWN MOTHER hauls Chuck TO THE CHURCH and basically tells him to wang his magic on Blair. It doesn't work; she blah-blahs about how she can't be with him because she loves him, for the eightieth time. Meanwhile, Georgina wants to ruin Blair's wedding to Louiiiiiiis because, well, she hates Blair for getting her "remanded to rehab, booted out of Bible Camp," and then something else. Possibly foiling her plan to pass off her Russian baby as Dan's. Who knows. Anyway, she decides to team up with the Evil Priest to seduce Louiiiiiiis and record it, then show it to Blair. This never happens, because Rufus and Lily ruin everyone's fun always, so they bust Georgina. So she switches course and videos Blair, in her wedding finery, telling Chuck she still loves him and always will. Then, right as Chuck takes ten breaths at the foot of the altar during the "speak now or forever hold their peace" part of the ceremony and then stupidly (and yet freaking typically, lately, because New Chuck sucks) decides to hold his peace, someone sends Gossip Girl the video Georgina shot. And these high society assholes check their phones IN THE MIDDLE OF A WEDDING, all at once, and start peas-and-carrots-ing about the scoop. Blair runs off in tears. Chuck catches her and confesses that Serena told him about Blair's pledge to God for Chuck's life in exchange for their love (which they seriously only had her do off-camera so we could have a fake-out where S tells Dan, "I did something..." and we think maybe she sent in the video). Blair weeps that Chuck doesn't realize how dead he was until she made that vow, and he rightly tells her to knock it off, but she STILL runs back to Louiiiiiiis AGAIN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE, and they finish getting married. Seriously, is her crotch made of unicorns? Why does this lispy accented heir even want her at this point? It's like the tenth time he's been publicly reminded that she's not that into him. Serena finally confesses to Dan that she actually loves him, and he responds with a classically uncomfortable "Ohhhh.... dear" face, possibly because he has seen his hair and he therefore knows her affection cannot be sincere. Nate wooes a catering waitress who, unbeknownst to him but knownst to us, is The Real Charlie Rhodes (and not Fauxlie Rhodes, who disappeared before the hiatus but has red hair now in real life, so I wonder if she's going to resurface In Disguise somehow). And then. THEN. Blair and Louiiiiis share their marital dance, and right as she moistly tells him she will be a devoted wife, he hisses through clenched teeth that he and his mother decided to go through with the wedding to save face, but that she is otherwise dead to them, they will have nothing to do with her except when publicly required to, and that they will force her to live out the sham of a marriage for as long as they feel like it. This is completely irrational, obviously -- the People of Monaco would more likely cheer Louiiiiis for having a spine and dumping Blair at the altar at this point, so this plot development makes as much sense as a dog in a hat. But it's also deliciously cold and schemey and delivered with Machiavellian relish by the otherwise wussy Louiiiiis, so I enjoyed it. Blair's response is to call for her knight in shining armor. Cut to Blair outside, hopping in a car she summoned... that Dan is driving. He ganked the Just Married mobile -- it was the only one with keys, which makes sense, because there's no way Dan Humphrey knows how to hot wire a car -- and the two of them drive off into the night together. SNAP. Your move, Monaco. Oh, and by the way? They reveal Georgina Sparks is Gossip Girl. Has she always been, or is she just the new Gossip Girl (as this episode heralds her return after Serena's brief attempt to destroy her)? Time will tell.