Happy
It's Christmas in Bluebell. Lavon is celebrating by judging and/or presiding at like two dozen different holiday events -- cookie contests, Christmas-tree lighting, etc -- as part of his gig as mayor. Zoe is celebrating by having her ass cheeks hang out of the shortest short shorts she has ever sported. Also, by having her mother come to town. She is very stressed out about spending any one-on-one time with Mom (she thinks her mother is going to be judgmental and difficult), and Lavon is stressed because he needs to make this the best Christmas ever for Ruby so she won't move to Dallas, but he has all these obligations. I feel like he should actually be more worried about how his girlfriend seems to be expecting him to move to Dallas with her in mere weeks despite the fact that he has a job in Bluebell and that job is that HE IS THE MAYOR. One can not just go haring off after one's high school sweetie when one has constituents! Even if one of the constituents is an alligator.
Holidays
As if Lemon would really wear a one-inch heel.
Additionally, Tim Matheson is concerned that she has a case of the sads because this is her first Christmas after being left at the altar. They don't make a Hallmark card for that.
Merry
I just keep feeling compelled to show you how short these shorts are. For reference, it's currently 57 degrees in Mobile, Alabama, and 57 degrees is TOO COLD FOR SHORTS.
Also: Wade and Zoe are both cranky and bitter and sad and full of FEELINGS about having broken up with each other. That has nothing to do with this chair she's throwing out -- although he does dumpster dive rescue it with a cheery, "I just love wicker" -- but I thought you should know.
Christmas
Naturally, Bluebell has a giant living Nativity scene composed by revolving townspeople. Carl Winslow makes for a very noble Wiseman.
Happy
Tansy, because she is really entertaining, heckles George-As-Joseph by announcing that he's the hottest Joseph the Bible has ever seen (or some such; fill in your own Joseph Heckle). I enjoy her AND her leather jacket.
New
After Tansy collects George, and he passes his Joseph costume off to Tim Matheson, Tim and Wacky Waitress Wanda here fall madly in love. IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.
By which I mean, Tim finds an engagement ring in Joseph's pocket and they deduce that George is going to propose to Tansy. Tim is obvs all TIM SMASH about this, given that it seems a bit rude of George to marry up someone new after just dumping Lemon.
Year
I can't believe Zoe's Ma has commented that she needs to pluck her brows and NOT that she needs to put on some pants. On the other hand, that blazer is quite cute, so maybe she's just distracted.
Blessed
Speaking of distracting....
Wade is totally wearing this (it belongs to Zoe) to passive-aggressively screw with Zoe, who has not told her Mom about their dalliance.
Festivus
While Zoe is acting all squirrelly around Wade, Ruby and Lemon are having one of their usual bitch-offs. I appreciate how festive Lemon looks. I would expect nothing less of her.
Good
And, as much as I think Ruby is kind of a nasty piece of work, I would like to salute Golden Brooks for being able to give this epic a side-eye, especially given the epic amount of Botox in her face. Later in this episode, she has to cry, and her face move NOT AT ALL and nary a tear does flow.
Kwanzaa
YOUR SHORTS SHOULD NOT BE SHORTER THAN YOUR LAB COAT.
Also, this is where Zoe inadvertently gives Santa a vacation for Christmas, thus ruining the holiday for children all over Bluebell and leading herself on a wild goose chase to find another Santa at last minute, which obviously culminates in us learning that Wade's Sad Drunk Dad Crazy Earl was once the town Santa, before he cracked up when Wade's mom died. SPOILER! She talks him into doing it again and blah blah blah SANTA REDEMPTION.
Happy
I really only included this photo so you would know that Lavon REALLY decorates for the holidays. Also; HE is the one proposing this Christmas, not George (to the relief of everyone, especially Tim Matheson).
Hannukah
But maybe not to Zoe's relief. This dress is ADORABLE, even if she is all worked up about how Lavon might be getting married. And I have to just just say that Lavon and Ruby getting married is a TERRIBLE IDEA and that is why I'm glad it's not happening. Not to ruin the end of this recap for you or anything.
Most
Tansy has heard -- because the town is basically a teeming hive of gossip -- that George is about to propose to her, and she freaks out, but herein he assures her that would be CRAAAAAAAAZY. I love these two crazy kids together. Scott Porter is so much funnier now that he's not stuck in a loveless engagement. Actually, so is Jaime King. Breaking those two up was the smartest thing this show has done.
Genial
So, Tansy scampers off -- relieved that she's not getting an engagement ring for Christmas -- but George finds himself in the position of actually having nothing to give her for Christmas period (there was a lot of plot in this episode, weirdly enough). Enter Shopping Addict Laura Bell Bundy, who is ALSO funny on this show.
Advent
While George is off getting his shop on, Lemon is wearing a skirt with reindeer on it (!) and explaining to her father that Lavon -- in the interest of harmony and holiday joy and also keeping his shit together -- is making her befriend Ruby, and they're doing that by dressing up like elves and wrapping Christmas presents, because Bluebell never turns down the opportunity to wear thematic costumes.
Delicious
Is there anything more humiliating than finding out that you are not the love of your boo's life? Yes: finding it out when you are dressed like an elf. Ruby is really, really REALLY unhappy that Lemon and Lavon were once in love, and she didn't know about it.
Pagan
And, ergo, Lavon's giant public proposal plan goes VERY VERY AWRY.
Celebrations
Poor Lavon. He's wearing his best velvet suit and everything. Getting dumped is always rough, but it must be worse to get dumped when you're dressed like a Dickensian caroler.
Auld Lang Whatevs
However, the miracle of Christmakkah lives, because now Zoe is all full of sympathy for Wade -- now that she knows the sad sad story of how his Mom is dead and it made his Dad really really sad and also drunk -- and that fuzzy warm feeling extends to her mother, who points out that she's actually been totally nice to Zoe this entire trip, and that she's proud of her and blah blah blah. She doesn't, however, remark on how Rachel Bilson is still able to pull off this Santa outfit without looking ridiculous somehow. (Bonus points to the prop master for working Zoe's menorah into this entire Christmas extravaganza.)
Jingle
If it sucks for Lavon to get dumped in his Christmas finery, it is REALLY going to suck for poor Lemon to get friend-dumped by him (for telling Ruby about her relationship with Lavon) when she is wearing such unflattering pants.
Jingle
At least she's wearing pants.
While his daughter is having an extremely difficult holiday, Tim Matheson is getting busy with Laura Bell Bundy in a barn.
Jingle
To the HORROR of poor George, who walks in on them. Poor Lemon. The idea of her and LBB being related by marriage makes me laugh so hard and it's going to be so terrible for Lemon. SO TERRIBLE.
All the Way
At least things are finally going Zoe and Wade's way. She marches over to his shanty in a very cute polka dotted sweater and announces that she wants to be his actual, real, acknowledged, non-secret girlfriend. So he picks her up and throws her into the lagoon.
Just kidding. He carries her inside and they get it on. HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO US ALL.