Shirtlessness!
Given the number of classic HoDs which have begun with shirtless Wade, this was a good omen -- for us, anyway, if not for Wade, who is just about to get menaced by this woman's extremely gigantic and threatening boyfriend. (Wade is acting out sexually because he's having problems dealing with the fact that the woman he loves [Zoe] has come back with a boyfriend.)
Muscles!
Wade spends most of the episode (humorously) running from this dude, when he's not sleeping with the young wife of one of the judges George is trying to get back in good with, now that George has returned from his misguided summer on the music circuit and is back to practicing law in a boat. I can't wait until season five, when Wade is in Sex Addicts Anonymous.
Posters!
Meanwhile, it's Halloween, which means it's time for Carl Winslow's one-man production of Frankenstein. To quote Zoe, "It's four hours long, the third act is in German, and [Carl] plays all the parts." To quote Joel, "I'm camping out in line." I think one of the things I like about Joel -- beyond the fact that apparently he magicked all his clothes to BlueBell from New York but feels no need to get an apartment -- is that he seems legit delighted by all of BlueBell's various and sundry town events, which is as he should, because BlueBell has excellent parties and, conveniently, there's one every single day of the week.
Skirts!
He is less enthused about Lavon -- it's mutual -- and there is where Joel and I part ways. Lavon is the best. Also possibly the best: Zoe's leather skirt. Anyway, Zoe really wants her best friend and her boyfriend to get along, but the boys in question are way less enthused.
Tables!
Jaime King's Pregnancy Disguise 32: The table. She's bemoaning not George's terrible hair but the fact that leaving the Belles has gotten her the shit end of the BlueBell Social Stick and she has to start shoring up her position. First order of business: scoring an invite to this fancy masquerade ball in Mobile. (She doesn't want to go with George because it feels unseemly to attend with a man who left her at the altar, which is probably true ) George suggests she call her grandmother, "the Don Corleone of the Alabama social scene," and so she does -- which is how we learn that Lemon's grandmother is TERRIBLE in a way I find deeply entertaining.
Buckley!
On her way out of the Rammer Jammer, Lemon runs into Dreamy Robert Buckley -- who does not appear to be in a fugue state, the way he was on One Tree Hill that time (seriously, he had to say the line, "I was in a fugue state and I forgot I had a child" because they had him forget HIS OWN CHILD) -- and she's sort of snarky to him and they're both very attractive and that's how we know they'll be getting it on later. He, like ALL HOT DUDES who show an interest in Lemon, is as of now only slated for this one episode, which is really irritating.
Decorations!
BlueBell really goes all out on Halloween, no? Not that this is a surprise. The BlueBell Party City must make a fortune. Anyhoodle, here we learn that Lynly is out of town -- Lynly is totally the new Magnolia -- and that it's also AB and Lavon's one year anniversary and yada yada yada he says something that leads her to believe he's going to propose.
Gynos!
Which seems great until Zoe finds a growth on AB's ovary. I would make a joke about how chatty they are during AB's exam but the truth of the matter is that I am TOTALLY chatty with my OB/GYN because she's awesome. Anyway, don't fret: the show has not given AB ovarian cancer, merely an ovarian cyst (hey! I've had one of those ALSO! If I have the cyst and I have the chatty doctor, where, I ask you, is MY Lavon?) but there is a long-drawn out thing where AB is concerned she might be infertile and she can't accept Lavon's proposal until she knows (or might not marry him if she is?) and it's this whole thing that happens on TV that drives me nuts, namely that if you are about to agree to marry a person, you should be able to call him and say, "there is a thing on my ovary and I am really freaked out." That being said, Zoe was a very good friend throughout this ordeal and actually so was Joel. We'll get to that.
Files!
Jaime King's Pregnancy Disguise 33: the counter/files.
Grandmas!
And this is Lemon's Grandmother. She calls Brick "Bertram," and refers to Zoe as "that carpet-bagging she-doctor," which tells you about all you need to know.
Frocks!
Zoe goes with AB to Mobile for her tests, which is very nice as a doctor and a friend, and it's probably also comforting that they both look adorable while they're scared that AB has cancer. (I am really glad they didn't hold that over our heads for more than ten minutes.)
Boys!
Have I mentioned that Joel has a total man-crush on Wade? It's rather charming and hilarious. Zoe isn't too thrilled about this, despite that fact that, as Joel points out, "[Wade] is cool! He's got a pick-up truck!"
Booze!
Jaime King's Pregnancy Disguise 34: Booze. Grandmother Breeland has driven everyone to drink, but she has also gotten Lemon a date for and an invite to the Mobile Masked Ball.
More Booze!
Jaime King's Pregnancy Disguise 35: Hydrangea.
Body Doubles!
Jaime King's Pregnancy Disguise 36: A BODY DOUBLE. It helps that "Lemon" was holding a mask up to her face to model this dress. Later, the same body double is used for a long shot. The match is pretty good, actually, but personally I delight in the fact that we haven't seen Lemon's shoes in weeks. We all know Jaime King is pregnant, let's just go with it and stick her, like, behind a potted palm tree.
Tools!
Lemon's date, Tanner, is TERRIBLE. He's a complete patronizing tool and Lemon can't stand him. He corrects her wine order and talks about his private jet and he's wearing velvet slippers with his tux and he's essentially just THE WORST.
Tables Part Deux!
Jaime King's Pregnancy Disguise 37: yet another cocktail table.
Sasha Fierce!
Meanwhile, AB is trying to prevent Lavon from proposing until she knows what the deal is with her internal organs, and the way she and her adorable dress have done this is to get them two tickets to see Beyonce in New Orleans and Lavon does not fall for it, although he is sorely tempted. "It's hard to pass on the Queen Bey," he says. But his surprise can't wait! "Another time, Sasha Fierce," he says, kissing the tickets. OH LAVON. I love that you love Beyonce, but considering what your surprise ACTUALLY is, I think you are going to regret passing up this concert.
Antony and Cleopatra!
While AB is trying to avoid her proposal, everyone else in town has put on their Halloween costumes and gone to see Carl Winslow's show, which is as majestic as you would hope. "This is history's greatest theatrical performance," Joel says, and I suspect he is right.
Regatta Galas!
Jaime King's Pregnancy Disguise 38: Yet more flowers.
Buckles!
Robert Buckley, it will not surprise you to hear, pops up at this party and is charming as all hell. I hate that charming hot dudes just swing through Lemon's life never to reappear.
Pie!
So, AB called Zoe all panicked about the proposal and Zoe grabs Joel and drags him over there to help put it off, under the guise of claiming that she has "acute anxiety" about Joel and Lavon hating each other. I'm just happy that kitchen island has got some delicious baked goods on it once again.
Babies!
Everything is going swimmingly in the Make Joel and Lavon Like Each Other Sweepstakes -- they're playing Celebrity, and after a kerfuffle wherein Lavon gets mad that Joel might think that he, Lavon, doesn't know who Sonia Sotomayor is, the boys finally come together thanks to a shared loved of Game of Thrones -- until the doorbell rings and it's this adorable snugglemuffin and AB starts to cry because What If She's Infertile, and Joel kind of grasps everything that's happening in one second and falls on his sword to cover for AB in front of Lavon. And as much as I feel like this is a convo AB needs to have with Lavon ANYWAY, because, listen, people are infertile all the time and "what if we have problems getting pregnant?" is potentially pertinent talk if you want to get married, it was also very cool of Joel. Team Joel!
Get-a-Grips!
George gives Wade a Come To Jesus about his crippling sexual addiction.
Kissing!
And Robert Buckley gives Lemon a crippling sexual addiction.
Sleeping!
He even misses his flight the next morning to nail her some more, AND gives her pancakes with a smiley face on them, which means he's basically the best. (Jaime King Pregnancy Disguise 39: A man's dress shirt.)
Dresses!
It's a relief that everyone is wearing a cute dress when they find out that AB's internal organs appear to be in complete working order, despite being a wee bit cyst-y. ("YOU COULD STILL HAVE FERTILITY PROBLEMS," pipes up Debbie Downer. "GET MARRIED ANYWAY IF YOU LOVE EACH OTHER FOR PETE'S SAKE MY GOD YOU FOOLS," notes Patricia Practical.)
Pastries!
Jaime King Pregnancy Disguise 40: PASTRY. These pastry boxes are the new kitchen pastry. Portable kitchen pastry! Anyway, Lemon is legitimately all glow-y and excited about her one-nighter with the Bucks and sincerely thanks her grandmother and hugs her and tells her that last night was exactly what she needed, and then she floats off. It's actually all very heart-warming. A well-placed assignation can do something for a girl who's had a rough couple of months. And in a 180 degree turnaround from this show's first season, I just want Lemon to be happy.
Breakfasts!
Zoe REALLY doesn't want Joel to be friends with Wade, and Joel is understandably kind of annoyed by this, and so she decides to live with it. (Although your ex being friends with your current CAN be awkward.) On the other side of the Rammer Jammer, AB discovers that Lavon's "special surprise" is NOT asking for her hand in marriage but instead projecting Night of the Living Dead onto a 20 foot screen for her. You can imagine Zoe and AB's response. Joel, on the other hand, thinks it was an amazing idea and then invites Lavon to go with him and Wade to buy some meat. And thus Joel has friends, which makes me happy. Enjoy it while it lasts, Joel.