Burt Reynolds!
We have so much to talk about this week. But let's start with how excited I am to see the return of Burt Reynolds the alligator, how much I dislike Zoe's mukluks despite the fact that I too would wear them about Compound Lavon were I her, and how very cute that sweater is.
....?
Speaking of cute, the pleating on these pants is not. Although the COLOR in great on her.
That being said, we have some plot to talk about. Remember how Wade left the bar last week -- after getting hammered and tanking the Battle of the Bands? -- with some chippy (who you may remember from ANTM because she LEFT THE SHOW rather than have her hair cut)? Now he's missing (not REALLY missing, as this is not Law and Order) and Zoe is concerned. George and Tansy, who saw him leave with Cassandra From ANTM, both act squirrelly about it while Zoe stress-eats everyone's breakfast.
Insert "We're Not in Kansas Anymore" Joke
On the other side of the Rammer Jammer, Lemon prepares to take her little dog and f' up the next wicked witch who crosses her. She's also breaking up with Anna Beth (both as friends, and as business partners).
Mazel!
ToWanda -- Wantom? Tanda? -- however, are not breaking up. They're announcing that everyone in town is invited to their wedding, and it's in two days, because this is BlueBell and the town is nothing if not prepared for twee shenanigans to break out at any moment. This town LITERALLY has supplies at hand for every event from a Zombie Flash Mob Wedding Proposal to a Revolutionary War Reenactment. A wedding is easy.
I hope they are also registered at, like, the Gap, because the combination of her Jumper Over Sweater and that shirt sincerely hurts my feelings.
HATS
In other news -- this episode had a lot happening in it, which I didn't really grasp until I had to write it all down -- those a-holes over in Filmore (remember when they tried to steal the Strawberry Loving Tourists from BlueBell?) are building a MALL on the border of BlueBell's public beach. Thoughts: BlueBell has a beach? Why has no one on this show even considered going to the beach? Shouldn't Cress Williams be wearing some cute plaid shorts and throwing a Frisbee on the beach at all times?
Second: Filmore is the WORST. As Heather said, "Filmore is BlueBell's Eagleton." Also, fun fact: the Mayor of Filmore is the father of that dude that Tansy was dating when George accidentally shot himself in the leg that one time. ANYWAY. Lavon is enraged, and no cute cap nor charmingly trimmed shirt will calm him. He needs George to put on his Lawyer Hat and help him prevent this travesty from happening to the invisible sands of the BlueBell Beach.
SHIRTLESS
I'd like to thank the director of this episode for ensuring that shirtlessness ensued even in an episode where The Shirtless One did some terrible horrible no good very bad things. That takes skills, and those skills should not go unappreciated. Also, hey! Look who's back. Toldja it wasn't Law and Order, or else Wade would have been found dead in ANTM Cassandra's stairwell. (Meatball would have been the perp.)
PECS
Wade tells Zoe that he was just giving ANTM Cassandra "a jump" -- START, ON HER CAR, PERVS (although also that, pervs. You are perceptive)-- and then he slept off his drunkenness in the back of his car all night in a field. He feels lame for getting all wasted and being so dumb, and props to Wilson Bethel for making it convincing enough here that I almost believed him and his dumb fielding-sleeping cover. In fact, props to Wilson Bethel for his performance in this entire episode. What Wade did was DUMB and self-destructive, but he IS self-destructive (apparently) and it clearly upsets him. There was a lot of nuance there we haven't got to see from him before, and I hope we get to keep that.
SOCKS
Speaking of nuance, that ensemble is terrifically subtle.
SO, Wanda has hives, and saw Zoe for them, and Zoe noted that maybe the stress from planning a wedding in two days is making her itchy, and so Wanda postpones the wedding BUT THEN SHE UNPOSTPONES it and in the course of which makes Zoe her Maid of Honor, in charge of keeping her Crazy Mom in line. None of that really has anything to do with this outfit, I just wanted to share.
Meanwhile
Lemon has been dragged by Cricket to see a psychic to deal with the torment of having to attend a wedding without a date, when the last wedding she attended was, you know, the one where she got left at the altar. This should help.
JUDGEMENT
OR WILL IT? Actually, Madame Cleo tells Lemon that she's already met her "true companion," and it does seem to cheer her up.
Patterns
Debra Jo Rupp is Wanda's mom, she is a nutty fruitcake who likes to drink and sometimes falls into bed with Sal the Shrimp Guy, and they clearly share a sincere love of mixing patterns.
Skirtsy!
Wade is still acting low energy, which should be a red flag for Zoe. But she may be distracted by the fact that she is wearing THE CUTEST SKIRT.
YES!
Or perhaps by THE GLORIOUS RETURN OF THE KITCHEN PASTRY. Sure, her boyfriend is being sort of absent and depressed but also weirdly nice and basically just totally not himself but WHO CARES WHEN THERE ARE THAT MANY MINI-MUFFINS?
What?
Later, Wade gets suckered into agreeing to be Tom's Best Man, mostly as a way to make up for refusing to be his "Sex Yoda." His only sex advice -- and I can not blame him for not wanting to give sex advice to Towanda, whom I like to think of as Never Nudes -- is to "rent a Ryan Gosling movie." He UNWISELY does not note WHICH ONE. Crazy Stupid Love, yes. The Notebook, yes. LARS AND THE REAL GIRL? NO.
RRRRRAAARRRR
On the other side of town, George is prepping for their legal battle with Filmore by unleashing THE MONSTER, his preternaturally successful legal alter ego. The Monster is basically George's Sasha Fierce, and like Sasha Fierce, he likes to wear a tight vest.
Paste Eaters of America, Unite
Oh, right. I forgot to mention with all the Sex Yoda and the Tight Vesting that Lemon ran into this dude she knew from 2nd grade on the street right outside Madame Cleo's, and she asked him to dinner, thinking HE was the companion she had already met, but he turned out to be crackers. Like, super bonkers. Paste-eating, living-in-your-bushes wackactular. But luckily there is only one dinner establishment in BlueBell that isn't the Rammer Jammer, so AB was there to rescue Lemon from this very, very bad date. Which IS the sign of a true friend. In fact, Heather rescued me from a crazy old man the very first time we met.
EW
Have you ever wondered what Zoe's face might look like when the Mother of the Bride mentions that she's skipping the wedding? Here you go.
ARGH!
Meanwhile, Lavon is wearing the cutest suit -- it has a wide plaid pattern on it that you can't really see here -- and Sasha Fierce is gloating. He KILLED Filmore. Never go up against Sasha Fierce when an unimpeded ocean view is on the line!
exactly
Did I not mention that the groomsmen are dressing like Jedi and the bridesmaids like Lord of the Rings Elf-Women in the wedding? You probably should have assumed this, given that it IS BlueBell. At any rate, Zoe does a lot of blah blah blah so Wanda's hives remain suppressed before racing back to Debra Jo Rupp to talk her into attending her own child's Star Lord of the Rings Wars nuptials.
Let us not consider what day of the week this is supposed to be. WaTomDa seem nutty enough to get married on a day when the courts are in session right? Sure.
sad face
Once Zoe gets back to Sal's Shrimp Sex Shack, where Debra Jo Rupp is doing Zumbra instead of getting ready for the wedding, DJR gets to tell this very sad story about how she knew her husband was cheating on her -- he was both attentive AND distant -- and it's all Very Applicable to Zoe's Situation, and suddenly she just KNOWS that the jump Wade gave ANTM Cassandra was more euphemistic than he claimed. It's totally sad, and also well acted by both ladies. The acting in this episode was quite strong overall -- usually, they don't get such heavy emotional lifting to do on this show, and everyone acquitted themselves well.
ROAOAOAOOAOAR
SASHA FIERCE WILL NOT DIE. Turns out George wants to keep his alter ego. You can tell how Lavon feels about this. Namely, like Tim Gunn, he is concerned.
Additionally, we need to talk about how awesomely natty -- ALSO like Tim Gunn -- Lavon looks. ADDITIONALLY additionally, we need to talk about how Wade also fed George the "she needed a jump" story and he mentions it to Lavon and Tansy and Tansy is all, "OH I'VE HEARD THAT ONE" and now EVERYONE knows Wade did a Bad Thing and, you guys, I am pretty sure Sasha Fierce is going to punch him.
YES
That IS a guinea pig as a flower girl.
True Companions
And Lemon's psychically foretold True Companion turned out, of course, to be AB. Which actually made me so happy that it almost made up for the Wade thing. Not because I was so jonsing for Lemon and AB to get back together, necessarily, as much as because I am a sucker for stories about how relationships with your friends can be as important and as pivotal in your life as romantic relationships. I love that Sex and the City where the girls decide that they are actually each other's soulmates, for example. And AB and Lemon ARE each other's Person. I'm glad they've made up. I'm also glad they both look great while doing it. Lemon's dress was custom-made by the show's wardrobe, and it is delightful.
USE THE FORCE, ZOE
Also delightful on a meta level is the fact that the writers are making Rachel Bilson break up with a dude who is dressed EXACTLY LIKE HER REAL LIFE BOYFRIEND (Hayden Christensen) in the only movie role anyone ever remembers him from (sorry, Hayden).
Mazel
The wedding went off without a hitch. No one objected, not even the hamster.
Oh wait.
Although it didn't go very well for these two. In ANOTHER well done (and nicely framed) scene, Wade admits he banged ANTM Cassandra, and he feels really bad about it. He doesn't really even offer an excuse beyond the old I Freaked Out You Believe In Me I Have So Many Issues. And Zoe is clearly sad and too worn out emotionally to even really get actively mad. They're just...over.
The whole thing is really very sad. YOU TWO KIDS. I was pulling for you! Of course, as a viewer, it's more interesting to have drama and romantic problems and temporary unhappiness -- happy couples are boring on TV, more often than not -- and this development was always going to happen, one way or the other, and I think it's going to lead to more interesting things all over the place. But WADE. You ARE a tremendous screw-up. LOOK AT YOUR LIFE. LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES.
POW
And I'm glad Tansy punched you in Zoe's honor. You didn't want that to come from Sasha Fierce.