Guesthouse!
In a plot development six episodes too late, Zoe and Joel have moved back into Lavon's guest house (their house is under construction, and Crazy Eyes Lynly is gone). In retrospect, I feel like the writers must have been thinking, "why didn't we just have Lynly live in one of Lavon's guest rooms? He probably has like six of them." But that problem is over! Zoe isn't thrilled to be back there -- she compares it to moving home after college, which of course we learn that Joel himself did, given the dearth of opportunities for people with degrees in comparative literature -- but she's brought the bralet back, so things can't be ALL bad. We also learn herein that it's Zoe's birthday, she hates her birthday, and that Joel has promised that this one is going to be awesome, because he's throwing her a party and it's going to be amazing. It will come as no surprise to anyone who has ever watched TV that of course it's going to be a mess, but not because of Joel. I am really fond of Zoe, but this show is lucky that Rachel Bilson is preternaturally likeable, because sometimes her decision-making is like that of a sociopath.
Cricket!
AB is home, mourning the demise of her relationship with Lavon, when Cricket comes over and basically throws herself on AB's mercy vis a vis her problems with the Belles. She needs AB to re-join and come be her ally, as she's VERY unpopular at the moment, because (a) she bankrupted them and (b) she's mean to them. You can only be mean if you're also really good at your job, Cricket. Did Lemon teach you nothing? Cricket points out that this will be a good distraction for AB in the wake of her breakup, but AB declines. She's not in the mood.
Makeup!
However, it must be said that AB has never looked better. Her "I'm not wearing any makeup because I'm home eating pie and crying" makeup is actually much more flattering than her normal makeup. Ditto hair.
KITCHEN PASTRY!!!!!
Meanwhile, the breakup has done at least one good thing: IT HERALDS THE RETURN OF LAVON'S KITCHEN PASTRY. And with a vengeance! This is the kind of spread that is worthy of a mayor and a gentleman such as Lavon. Who is, it must be said, totally in a glump over the AB thing, and he needs his friends to support him in this time of need. When Zoe leaves to go to work, Joel gives them all their marching orders for the party, which includes asking Lavon to hold it at his place. Vivian wonders if Wade will invite his Dad to the party, because she wants to meet him, and Wade is all, "well, the thing is that he is...BUSY...with THINGS...for REASONS," because of course he doesn't want her to meet Crazy Earl, the town drunk. But! Here's my question. Doesn't Vivian LIVE IN/GROW UP IN BLUEBELL? Surely she knows about Crazy Earl? (Or did she live nearby and move back when she and her husband divorced? Regardless: I think it's unrealistic to think that Crazy Earl is a secret. Crazy Earl climbs on top of buildings. Crazy Earl, as we learn later, once made business cards that say "Crazy Earl," because that's how everyone knows him. [A detail at which I laughed aloud.]) I have some notes about Vivian. One of them is that her bangs look weird all of a sudden.
Tom Long!
And here is the amazing thing. You guys know I am not that into ToWanda. But, as I have also said, I dislike Wanda more than Tom. And it turns out that giving Tom a job as George's assistant is a move of unparalleled brilliance, because the two of them are hilarious together. Tom is really INTO IT and quite funny, and as you can imagine, his "professional" wardrobe is a scream. Additionally: this actor has totally been working out, right?
Tansy
Tansy asks George out for dinner "and dessert," which we all know is code for sex. Look, far be it from me to complain about Lynly's absence -- about whom I suspect the show will NEVER SPEAK AGAIN -- but maybe George should choose himself for a while and just be single? Admittedly, the last time he tried this, Zoe found him living like a feral animal in a motel sleeping on a bed of pizza boxes, but still: I fear he is a serial monogamist, is what I am saying.
Scooter!
And in a really, REALLY funny development, The Hated Corporate Twerp Scooter McGreevy has had a change of heart since Tansy dumped him. He's gone totally crunchy granola, and it's really quite funny. Matt Oberg is actually always a scream but this is particularly amusing, and Scott Porter (who is the king of reaction shots on this show anyway) is really funny as well. See, Scooter has just returned from "a walkabout in Bhutan. Three weeks. The Himalayas. No shoes," and he's realized that his true calling is to heal the world. He has working to defend the environment -- "it's not going to defend itself, now is it?!" -- and he's a changed man, including this hideous get-up, which seems to horrify George as much as the fact that Scooter hugs him and takes his leave with a chipper, "GOOD FEELINGS AND HARMONY, MAN!"
Eye roll
George buys none of this. I wonder if George has noticed that he seems to be a magnet for the crazy.
Adorbs
Zoe's skirt and top combo here is SUPER cute, which will keep her warm at night given that she's got big problems: Her mother is in town, as a surprise, for her birthday. And this leads to the Shenanigan of the Week -- which is I Love Lucy-levels of crazy, as Joel points out -- where Zoe decides not to invite her mom to her birthday party because she hasn't told her about the Wilkeses, and instead tries to attend a dinner with her mother and Joel, AND Joel's big party, both at the same time. Long story short: this doesn't work, Zoe's mom shows up at the big party, she loves everyone and everyone loves her, and she decides she's moving to BlueBell. Don't ask me how she's going to do her Big Deal PR Job there, but I'm sure she'll figure something out. See you next week!
Smack!
Okay, we can talk about the rest of the episode, including the fact that Zoe's mom slaps Wade for having cheated on her daughter with a bar floozy. There's a point later in the episode where Wade says he was getting slapped for that every day for months after Zoe left town -- AKA, over the summer hiatus -- which is a nice way for the show to let us know that they haven't forgotten that he isn't the wronged party in this scenario.
Skirts!
Another long story short: AB and Cricket are now co-heads of the Belles. Elodie wanted to depose Cricket and replace her with AB, but AB would only agree to be Belle-In-Chief if she and Cricket could do it together. Someone better call Lemon. (Don't ask why Elodie isn't taking over herself. Also, did Elodie get married, or what? Or is that coming up? Or are we just supposed to forget that AB was supposed to be crying her way through being Elodie's bridesmaid? I actually don't CARE, and you can't and shouldn't expect your audience to give a damn about the nuptials of a tertiary character [at best] but you feel me. This show sometimes sets Shenanigans In Motion and then abandons them.)
Also, AB's skirt is incredibly cute on her.
Party City!
One of the reasons Joel decides he can't call off Zoe's party -- other than the fact that it's crazy to call off a party just to avoid telling someone about it -- is that party planning is clearly the only thing keeping Lavon alive right now.
Fancie's
So, Fancie's is still open and still a cabaret despite the fact that Shelby has left town? I wonder who's running it until Lemon (presumably) comes back and buys it. WE MISS YOU, LEMON. Anyway, George and Tansy are bonding over their shared love of Don Todd's Monster Golf Safari -- which, not to stand in the way of their love, but WHO DOESN'T love Don Todd's Monster Golf Safari? IT IS THE BEST THING EVER -- when their journey home "for dessert" is interrupted...
Scooter!
Tansy is SO moved by the fact that she's made Scooter want to be a better man, one who fights for geese and other living creatures, that she tells George she has a headache and asks him to take her home. POOR GEORGE. George is turning into the Lady Edith Crawley of this show: romantical problems up the wazoo and no one even really notices.
Heart to Heart!
Wade has this whole Come to Jesus with Crazy Earl vis a vis meeting Vivian, and Crazy Earl shows up drunk to Zoe's party -- HE is taking their break-up hardest of all, noting that it was a TRAGEDY along the lines of "Romeo and...Mrs Romeo," but he also only JUST found out about it -- BUT he shows up for his actual meeting with Vivian sober and wearing his finest bolo tie. I actually secretly love Crazy Earl.
Birthday!
Zoe's birthday outfit is uncharacteristically foofy for her. But if you can't wear an admittedly cute foofy dress on your birthday, WHEN CAN YOU?
Investigative Reporting!
And while Zoe is trying, unsuccessfully, to balance being at a dinner with her mother and a party at Lavon's at the some time, Tom has done some investigating that SEEMS to prove that Scooter's about-face is just a scam. I have to admit, I ALSO thought it might be a scam. Tom and George are very funny together, though. I am actually fine with this weird direction that the show seems to be taking where George is a TERRIBLE private investigator.
Notes on Vivian
And here are my promised Notes On Vivian. (a) I understand that Jaime King's maternity leave created a hole in this show that's been hard to fill for the writers, and (b) I actually like Vivian just fine, and (c) I can see how, theoretically, having Zoe's cousin date Zoe's ex, with whom Zoe will probably get back together, is rich dramatic ground and will probably lead to some interesting angst on multiple levels later on this show, but (d) Zoe getting together with Wade while Wade is actively dating a member of a family she's wanted to be part of for so long, if it happens, is actually a really shitty thing for her to do and is going to be hard to pull off, so I suspect it won't really go down that way, which will (e) lessen the stakes laid out in note (c), which is the whole reason this entire scenario is compelling. But finally, and most problematically, Vivian and Wade have very little chemistry, which is weird because Wilson Bethel has chemistry with, like, inanimate objects. But the writers are in kind of deep here, and I think the only way out of it -- and this is just speculation -- is to have Vivian's husband came back and she decides to give it another go with him For The Children, leaving Wade heartbroken (I guess) and the door open for Zoe to "comfort him," but Zoe screwing over Joel is going to piss me off, because they've made Joel so AWESOME. In other words: I do not know where this is going and I am kind of scared.
But Vivian's dress is great.
Drinks In Faces!
AB has tired of taking this break-up with maturity and grace, and, in the time-honored tradition of Women Scorned everywhere, tries to throw a drink in Lavon's face. But her glass is empty, to the disappointment of us all. She basically gives him the "I'm the best thing that every happened to you and one day you'll regret it and it'll be TOO LATE" speech everyone gives when someone they love breaks their heart. Poor AB. Maybe SHE can date Joel.
This all leads to poor Lavon wondering to Zoe if there's something wrong with him, and maybe he shouldn't have broken up with AB, and Zoe is an excellent Get-A-Grip friend when she tells him that it would have been really wrong to marry AB if he wasn't 110% all in. It's true! Hey, maybe LAVON can date Joel.
Truth Bombs!
George, high on Tom's investigative findings, races over to interrupt Tansy and Scooter's date that he found because he's psychic. He lays out his entire case for how Scooter -- in another hilarious embroidered man-tunic -- is scamming them all, and closes with "BOOM. G Tuck. Dropping TRUTH HAMMERS." And it's kind of great, and then Tom appears and....whoops, he got some facts wrong (understandably wrong!) and it turns out that this IS a real change-of-heart for Scooter (OR IS IT? It probably is), and then everyone is all, "....awkward" and then yada yada yada, Tansy breaks it off with George AGAIN and moves back to Mobile with Scooter! George IS Lady Edith. (NO SPOILERS.) Actually, maybe GEORGE can date Joel. I need Joel to be okay, you guys. I sometimes think I am the only person on the internet who even likes Joel. ILU JOEL.
Belles!
I'm pleased to inform you that AB -- who has finally realized the importance of throwing herself into work when in the midst of a breakup -- looks very cute when she and Cricket decide to be co-heads of the Belles. But seriously: IS SOMEONE GOING TO CALL LEMON?
Meeting the Parents!
Vivian of course assures Wade that his father being Crazy Earl isn't going to change her feelings for him, but I think the HIDEOUSNESS of this dress on her might be changing MY feelings for HER.
Jo Beth Williams MOVES IN
And finally, I just decided that Jo Beth Williams and Tim Matheson are going to fall in love over the last six episodes of the season and it's going to be amazing. They're going to get married and that will make Lemon and Zoe (and the presumed dead Magnolia) step-sisters and OMG YOU'RE WELCOME, WRITERS.