Magnolia!
Magnolia is back! And she has cute bangs, and a cute pair of pants. Less cute: she got kicked out of her all-girls boarding school for stealing her headmaster's car and using it to pick up and bring back a 19 year old boy. The solution: Brick sends her to live with Mean Grandma Breeland and go to military school. This show is really in a kerfuffle over the fact that (a) it can't really kill Magnolia off, but (b) no one gives a shit about Magnolia and she's rarely useful to their storylines, other than as someone for Brick to give exposition to. Send her to boarding school in EUROPE, you guys. Problem solved. If 90210 can dispatch with Brenda Walsh somewhat agilely, and The X-Files can bench Mulder for a few seasons, you too can figure out a way that we don't ever have to deal with Magnolia again. I don't even really dislike Magnolia, although I think the actress needs to dial her perfomance down about 8%. I just think she's a waste of time that could be devoted to Meatloaf. THAT SAID, there is a very funny moment in this scene where she compares Lemon to Homeland's Nicholas Brody and Brick tells her not to spoil him.
Don Todd!
George, Lavon, and Brick are all watching/waxing poetic about Don Todd at the Rammer Jammer; they've all been watching a lot of Monster Golf Safari as a way to fill the gaping holes in their emotional lives. The dude who was cast as Don Todd must be stunned that this has turned into such a long-running joke. Which is not a complaint. Don Todd is a treasure and if this show isn't renewed, I might miss him most of all. Here, he's complaining about how HOT the sand is in the Sahara. Additionally, things you need to know: Tom is harassing Lavon to have a city-wide fire drill, and Lavon doesn't want to. "FINE," Tom says. "The ancient Pompeiians didn't want to have a city-wide eruption drill either and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM." Spoiler: this is NOT foreshadowing all of BlueBell dying in a fire.
Bags!
I literally said an appreciative "oh shit" when this outfit popped up, because it is CUTE and I want that bag. Plotwise, Zoe's Mom is being mean to Joel -- which is IDIOTIC because Joel is obviously like the nicest boyfriend in the world and a man all mothers would, by rights, love, although he DOES have Zoe's Mother's number as far as this goes and he's right to want her to back off. She's also trying to buy Zoe's love by taking her on as a PR client to get her practice back from Brick. In short, this episode consists of Zoe's mother acting like a total asshole -- although also amusingly complaining about her celeb clients (apparently Dr Drew is whiny) -- and Zoe letting her, because Zoe Wants Mama's Love. As I said in the opener to this, this is actually a totally valid character motivation....if the character in question is 16. In Spoiled, one of our protagonists does all kind of bratty shizz because she's dying for her father's attention, and he is a benignly spacy superstar who's busy trying to film Avalanche! in Key West. But Zoe is a grown woman and a professional and it's become a hallmark of her character that she is incapable of being honest with her family. She doesn't tell her mother that she just wants her love and attention and doesn't need a PR offensive; she doesn't tell the Wilkeses who she even is for a long time. I am all for flawed protagonists, but her behavior is frankly a little frustrating.
Surprise!
Magnolia talks Brick into throwing the returning Lemon a surprise welcome home, and he agrees because L's been radio silent lately and he thinks she's mad at him. She's not; she's just busy with her two lovers which she loves both the same. And she can't make THIS party because...
The Clink!
She's in jail.
Coats!
Wade bails her out though, and despite the fact that she was arrested the public nudity, now she's wearing this AMAZING outfit, with great gold shoes. I have a coat similar to that, from TopShop, from like 2007 (so, WAY CHEAPER) and I love it. Jaimie King actually looks fantastic in this entire episode.
Pillows!
Here, these two are yapping about Zoe's mom, but I had to show you something. Is it me, or are they totally sleeping on pillows which still have the decorative shams on them? YOU GUYS. TAKE THOSE OFF BEFORE YOU SLEEP ON THEM. Did you learn NOTHING living with Dash?
Tableaux!
Lemon tells Wade all about her romantic times, dating two hunky dudes at once, and in many ways the best parts of these stories are that her outfits are really cute in all of them. Obviously, both men eventually find out about each other and are briefly enraged, and then finally agree they're going to battle it out for Lemon's heart. Didn't we just see this happen to Lady Mary? Although given that one of these dudes is the Chauffeur -- and a foreigner with a dreamy accent and dimples -- I guess he's more like the Branson.
OUTFITS.
Like, how cute is THIS?!
Amour!
I do need to note that her Latin Lover spends the entire episode playing what I believe is a child's toy guitar.
Blazers!
She looks amazing HERE, too. And don't worry: she and AB make up about the fact that AB is back in the Belles. In fact, this episode ends with the only dramatic conflict being Who Will Lemon Chose? Not that I can complain about a good love triangle, but can it truly be a Good Love Triangle if two of the legs of said triangle are totally foreign to the viewers (no pun intended)? Not snarky: I really am wondering.
Vivian
This dress is really, really not great on Vivian. Anyway, there's some blah about how she thinks Lemon hates her but it turns out Lemon totally likes her and is fine with her dating Wade so...there goes that other potential source of conflict. I just can't get that behind Vivian. She is FINE -- I actually like the actress in her scenes with Zoe -- but she has very little chemistry with Wade, which is bizarre. Wade, as I think I said last time, is generally convincing with regards to boning ANYONE.
Flappers!
So, for the do-over Welcome Home Lemon! party, Magnolia convinces Brick to throw a Roaring Twenties party, and of course, because this is BlueBell, everyone goes into their enormous costume closet and brings out all their flapper wear. This is stretching credulity even for this show that they'd be able to throw this together in 24 hours, but we DO know that if there's one thing BlueBell can do, it's throw a costumed event in no time at all, so I'll allow it. Also, the costumes are great - although this is not the best Rachel Bilson has ever looked. She kind of got the short end of the costume stick at this party; the clothes themselves are gorgeous, but they are kind of wearing her, and I have to wonder why she's so bundled up. ANYWAY. Gotta love all the glittery headbands!
Magnolia and George!
Magnolia's headpiece is covered in butterflies, and it's really cute.
Lemon!
And Lemon looks really, really great in this.
AB!
AB ALSO looks very pretty. This is the section of the recap where I just point out how pretty people look.
Mean!
Even Grandma Betty, who gets so mad at Lemon when she finds out that she's dating two men at once that she withdraws the money she was going to give Lemon to buy Fancy's. And, look, I can get why the dudes in question might be peeved that Lemon didn't mention that she was dating around, but presumably she didn't tell either of them they were exclusive either, and they're both hot, so go get yours, Lemon. Grandma Betty acting like Lemon stabbed both guys with a butter knife and didn't clean up the blood felt like a little much. It mean, even the Dowager Countess was basically cool with Mary having more than one suitor.
Meatloaf!
In which, in the aftermath of a botched interview Zoe gives Dash as part of her Misguided Attempt To Get Her Mother To Love Her, Meatball angrily notes that he "did Pilates" for Zoe, and she notes that his core has never looked better, despite the fact that two episodes ago, Meatball REFUSED to do Pilates and told Zoe that a strong core was "bad for [his] brand." J'ACCUSE.
Drill!
Obvs, both of Lemon's suitors show up at this party and she needs a distraction and so Lavon pulls the fire alarm, saving her and allowing Tom Long to experience one moment of true happiness before he turns back into pure evil.
Lavon!
Not for nothing, but Lavon also looks damn snazzy.
Coat
And Lemon's wearing a MAJESTIC coat for when everyone has a hissy over her sex life.
Highlighting
Finally, Lavon decides that what he needs to get over AnnaBeth is to throw a BUNCH of themed events for BlueBell. Well, the town IS supportive of a themed event. It's true.
Donuts!
Zoe wears a cute shirt and finally has an honest convo with her Mom, at which point her mother agrees to go back to New York, but not without telling Joel to do more cardio, which....Joel is in totally good shape. Free Joel! And Zoe should tell her mother not to be mean to Joel, because she loves Joel and Joel moved all the way to Alabama for her. WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO CARES ABOUT YOU, JOEL?