Scarves!
There's a cold snap in BlueBell as AB asks Lemon if she ever plans to decide between Enrique and Carter Covington. (CC is one of those people whose entire name must be used at all times.) Lemon doesn't want to decide; she says she kind of can't. In true BlueBell fashion, of course, the townspeople have gone full Kitson 2005 and are wearing "Team Enrique" and "Team Carter" tee shirts. I can only imagine what Carl Winslow's blog has to say about all of this.
Capes!
And then this happened. I may have squealed with glee when Lavon rode up on a horse wearing a cape. Anyway, remember last week, how Lavon told George he was going to start throwing EVEN MORE EVENTS to get his mind off his break-up? Well, the current one is a Renaissance Faire and of course Lavon is wearing a cape and riding a horse through town trying to drum up ticket sales. It seems the people of BlueBell may be having festival fatigue; later, George points out that they've already had Jazz Fest, Fusion Fest, Sandwich Fest ("ALABAMA'S LARGEST BLT," Lavon notes), Pickle Fest...and therefore that Lavon needs a marquee event to drum up interest in this one. "Like Van Halen in Renaissance garb." What Lavon decides this marquee event shall be is...a duel between Carter and Enrique for Lemon's hand. But of course he needs to get Lemon to agree to this first. This town is weird, you guys. Charming, but weird.
Home Renovations!
Because Joel has TOTALLY LOST LEAVE OF HIS SENSES, he has hired Tansy's brothers -- I always think of them as Larry, Darryl and Darryl, although I know one of them is named Chicken, because there's a law in BlueBell requiring each family to name one child after a foodstuff -- to do their renovations. Also, they're "totally informing [my] book." While I support the continued employment of a trio who insist on calling Joel, "Joelle," I DO have to raise a brow at the wisdom of employing people who HAVE KIDNAPPED YOU. ANYWAY, obviously Chicken Darryl falls off a ladder, cracks his head, is fine (in the sense that probably no more damage could be done), but also overhears that Zoe's mom has "sold The Cicada's Lament to Hollywood" for the very vague but oft-bandied "six figures" and decides to sue them.
(A) Zoe's mother is a hell of a PR person if she is also brokering film deals, and (b) I don't know why the writers didn't just give Joel an actual amount of money for this sale. No one turns to his girlfriend and says, "they bought my book for six figures!" They say, "holy shit, Warner Brothers just bought my book for seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars!" Here is my theory: the script does have WB buying the book and Hart of Dixie is a WB show and at some point, WB popped in and said, "can you be less specific about that number?" because some lower level executive got weirdly paranoid about it in the shower one morning or something. ANYWAY, CONGRATS TO JOELLE, who now has to move to LA for six months to work on the movie, news we find out at the end of the episode, but the instant he said the book was sold, I turned to Heather and said, "well, now we know how they get rid of Joel."
As If!
"Just to recap. After EVERYTHING we've been through, you want ME to convince LEMON to have her TWO boyfriends to compete for her affection in a public arena to benefit your festival?!" That would be a no. ADDITIONALLY: As you guys know, I prefer AB in limited doses (when she gets Deep Into Shenanigans, her voice gets REALLY HIGH and it hurts me), but she was really good in this episode. She has problems and she has my sympathy.
Dress!
I LOVE this dress on Lemon. Jaime King has looked fabulous ever since she got back from her maternity leave. ANYWAY, she's not interested in being Ye Olde Centerpiece of Lavon's Faire Entertainment, and she's got two dates to prepare for, and she kicks him out.
The Butter Stick Is Open Nights?
Joel tried to talk Larry, Darryl and Darryl out of suing him and Zoe -- Chicken Darryl was willing to settle for $50 and a date with AB -- but no go. They're hired Camille Guaty here as their lawyer, while Joel and Zoe have retained George, and of course George makes a total ass of himself to Camille and she decides she has a vendetta against him, and Joel is spiraling that George is about to go back to The Dark Place and lose their case but DO NOT FRET, dear readers. George is not in a Dark Place. This plot will all shake out just fine. And of course I assume the writers are hanging onto Camille Guaty in case they need someone for George to make out with later in the season. It should go without saying that, despite my glossing over this plotline a bit, Scott Porter is really funny in it.
Sweaters!
Meanwhile, Lemon is -- in quite a good scene, where her reaction shot remains the same, but the dude who is romancing her switches seamlessly between Enrique and Carter Covington, which was enjoyably creative -- out dating her ass off. But as we've all learned from The Brady Bunch, having two dates in one night is EXHAUSTING, and she ends the evening by passing out. Zoe gives her a doctorly talking to, and of course this all leads to Lemon deciding that she WILL let her dates duel for her hand, just so she can get a break from the dating merry-go-round. She should count herself lucky that no one stole that cute sweater while she was passed out.
Coat
OR that great coat.
Tricks!
Camille Guaty has invited George to the cabaret portion of Fancie's to try and engender a more positive working relationship between them, or so she says, but before I get into the tricksy trickery that this actually is, a note: who OWNS Fancie's right now? Laura Bell Bundy is off in Mobile or whatever with her baby daddy, and Lemon's grandma Mean Betty just withdrew her cash, so we know Lemon doesn't own it. WHO IS RUNNING FANCIE'S? Additionally, how is it possible that Fancie's is back to being a restaurant and yet is STILL also a cabaret? I thought LBB turned the entire thing into a cabaret. HOW LARGE IS FANCIE'S. I have a lot of questions about Fancie's -- I haven't even gotten into that spelling -- and I think the most likely answer is that it is currently a front for the Alabama mafia.
Lily Anne (Mumble)
So, of course, Camille has actually lured George over to Fancie's to hear LilyAnn Lofsnsgjajgjejjjrjr or however her last name is spelled sing a song that is right smack dab in her oeuvre of Mean Songs About Men That I Know, called "Unlucky Tucky," which is basically all about how George's life is just THE WORST. It is catchy, but of course it is no "Run From Wade," and, truly, should a woman in that necklace really be throwing stones? George does not appreciate this, however. "That is a LOW BLOW, Counselor," he tells Camille. "That is a low, low, low, low, low blow." And then he storms out. That was ALSO very funny from Scott Porter. Who would have thought that he was so funny, after Friday Night Lights?
Goats
Oh, RIGHT. So here is the thing. Wade is NOT shirtless in this episode but he does get to cradle an adorable baby goat nearly the entire time, so I will ALLOW IT. He and Vivian -- who looks fabulous in this dress, but has become more and more of a human nonentity to me as a character as this season has unfurled -- are trying to celebrate their three month anniversary (do actual humans really do that? Because I never have. Three months ain't much) but of course Harley The Demon Child has gone and interrupted their outing by kidnapping this goat after hearing that its owner (who is running Ye Olde Petting Zoo at the Renaissance Faire) plans to make him into stew. I am on Team Harley here.
Vivian tells Harley that their neighborhood has "a strict no goat policy," which leads Wade to take the goat and that is the moment I moved from neutral to dislike on Vivian. YOUR KID is worried about this goat. YOU need to figure out this goat situation, rather than making up a glib lie about why you can't keep it, and passing the buck so WADE ends up having to be on Goat Patrol. This is a weird note to give, but I feel like the actress playing Vivian has bad chemistry with the boy playing her son, and it makes her seem unlikeable when she appears in episodes with him. Whereas on the other hand, Wilson Bethel has good chemistry both with the kid AND the goat, which is the sign of a valuable actor.
Pants
I am LITERALLY TERRIFIED of what those pants could be.
THE RETURN OF KITCHEN PASTRY
YES. THE RETURN OF THE KITCHEN PASTRY. I actually literally clapped my hands with glee when I saw this tremendous outpouring of carbs. BREAKING UP WITH AB WAS THE RIGHT DECISION. LOOK AT WHAT FREEDOM HATH WROUGHT!
Baaa
I just felt you needed to see Wade cradling a baby goat and holding pastry.
Milady
Because Joel is scared that George -- especially in the wake of Unlucky Tucky -- is spiraling, Zoe and Joel talk AB into going out on a date with Chicken Darryl. "This is a typical BlueBell escapade!" is how Joel convinces Zoe to ask AB (this plot is getting more complicated now that I am trying to explain it). "On a scale of hijinks, this is barely a three!" Anyway, it all doesn't really matter because Chicken Darryl stands poor AB up.
Meatball!
This part of this episode was kind of wonderful. Meatball convinces both Carter Covington and Enrique that the other is some kind of man-beast dueling master who will probably murder him in cold blood, so that he, Meatball, can show up at the Duel for Queen Lemon's Hand and win her back. And they BOTH do bail, and frankly, while Lemon gives them a Kelly Taylor I Choose Me speech later, about how they are only two halves of one good boyfriend, I feel like the fact that NEITHER ONE OF THEM loved her enough to show up to the duel regardless is reason enough to set them free.
Faires!
Also, this Renaissance Faire set was amazing; I couldn't get everything, but they went ALL OUT. There's that dude on stilts, and a knife-juggler, and like EVERYONE is eating a giant turkey leg. It looked really fun; Lavon certainly got his money's worth. Can we say that of Sandwich Fest? (I feel certain that we can.)
Sir Meatball!
I kind of want Lemon to get back together with Meatball. Meatball is funny and kind and he loves her and we learned at the beginning of the season that he's great in bed. TEAM LEMONBALL. But anyway, Lemon isn't thrilled by the idea that Meatball is the only man in town willing to duel for her hand -- and can we just discuss that sentence that I just wrote? -- and so Lavon magically finds himself some armor and storms in and defeats Meatball and win's Lemon's hand in a way that does feel pretty platonic, considering their history, which is good because I don't think any of us want to wade back into the waters of AB/Lemon/Lavon. Additionally: I just have to say for the record that Meatball is really, really funny in this episode and Lemon could do worse.
Lawyered!
As the duel wages on at Ye Olde Faire, George storms into Ye Olde Courthouse -- in a very amusingly dramatic entrance -- and just lawyers the shit out of Camille Guaty. He wasn't spiraling at all, you guys. He was PREPARING. And the reason he didn't answer the door when Zoe came by to check on him was NOT because he was in a Don Todd's Monster Safari k-hole, as Joel feared. It's because he had headphones on. "I like to listen to 90s R&B when I prepare," he tells them later.
Nooooo
I seriously think Wade should break up with Vivian just because she is wearing these shoes. They are the ugliest shoes in the entire world. (Don't worry, the goat is saved.)
Whoops
I do not THINK the show is aiming toward getting these two back together; they are dancing because Lavon won the Duel For Lemon's Heart, but when they notice AB looking at them, they scamper. Lemon goes to Kelly Taylor Carter Covington and Enrique, who seem TOTALLY COOL with it -- Enrique has even gotten a job as CCs's new driver, which even Lemon thinks is really weird. And over at the other end of the bar, a MYSTERIOUS STRANGER in a suit of armor offers to buy AB a drink. She accepts, but tells him not to take his helmet off, which means we have two mysteries: his identity and how he's going to drink through a metal face plate.
Waaaah
And finally, Zoe realizes/finds out that Joel is going to have to go to LA to deal with his book being made into a movie and she's all sad face and the rest of us are all, "let's just get this break-up going already." I WILL MISS YOU JOEL. I'm sorry you're fictional, because I live in LA and I would totally go out with you.