????
Soooooo, it is not going to surprise you to know that Zoe is not handling Joel's six months in Los Angeles with great elan. Here, she's making a sexy (?) video for him to enjoy whilst he is gone and it consists of her dressed as Emily Bronte, or, more accurately, what she thinks Emily Bronte would dress like. Obviously, this video shoot is a disaster -- she falls over, she can't get out of her corset -- but Joel thinks it's cute, which is why their break-up is going to be a real shame. When you meet someone who has this much tolerance for your general brand of batshittery, YOU HANG ON TO HIM.
Muffins!
Just as you hang onto those muffins. Hang onto your pastry like grim death.
Bonjour!
One problem with this episode, which I thought was overall fine except for the few huge issues I had with it, is that it had at least one too many plots, and I'm not sure why. We had Joel and Zoe dealing with their LDR, culminating in them "taking a break" for a YEAR at THEIR AGES while he goes to LONDON because she doesn't want to leave the medical practice AT WHICH WE HARDLY EVER SEE HER. Which I will get to later. We had Lemon and George stealing Fancies's from LilyAnne, getting sued (??), then getting unsued (??) after Vivian steps in (?) and then them sleeping together, which is a plot line that needed two episodes at least, and then we had this: a delegation from BlueBell's French sister city (????) visits because Lavon is hot for their mayor (?) but she sends her deputy (because she's being busy being a mayor) and Lavon is surprised by this because apparently no discussion of this trip was had at all beyond him learning French, and then said Deputy Mayor is hot for AB. AND ALSO Tim Matheson is trying to win the Owl's Club Man of the Year award. That's four plot lines. The episode rather felt as if they'd been told they were getting two episodes cut from their order and some stuff have to get jammed in other places. And, look, I totalllllllllly get the impulse to Do More -- you should see my closet -- but just wish one of those plotlines had been scuttled, because this thing is overstuffed like a calzone.
Breakfast!
Additionally, Lemon wore some really crazy shit this week. Anyway, she wants George to be her partner in Fancie's, because he's got the cash and Shelby will sell to him because she likes him. He eventually agrees to this, perhaps because Lemon's jumpsuit has scared him into compliance.
DON TODD
Always room for a Don Todd break.
Tom!
Tom REALLY does not want Joel to leave -- and I would like to give the writers a hand for making Tom really, really funny this season. He makes a great funny weirdo and his comic timing is great -- and he gets into Zoe's head about the sustainability of this relationship and she basically goes crazy in a variety of ways.
All Wrapped Up!
Okay. First of all, LilyAnne is wearing a gift wrap ribbon as a necklace. Second, there is no reason for this plot line wherein SHE buys Fancie's and George and Lemon have to Shenanigan it away from her. I think the reason it was written this way is because the prospect of LillyAnne is running an anti-George-Tucker set every night is George's impetus for going in on the buy with Lemon. But the show itself later points out that this is a stupid plan on LAL's part, as well, and Lemon could have talked George into it a variety of other ways (including reminding him that he LEFT HER AT THE ALTAR, which she HAS used before but it's pretty evergreen, really). The story of Lemon and George being unable to get along is Odd Couple Funny enough without all this other stuff. ANYWAY. LAL looks like she got dressed at Papyrus.
Skype
This episode also features multiple Skype phone calls, which is rarely a good sign. Also a bad sign for Joel and Zoe: her obsession about his time away from her seems to be totally focused on their renovation plans (here, she's stripping using kitchen tiles??), which I think you can interpret as a her focusing on their house in BlueBell as a way to reassure herself that he is coming back TO IT -- like, I get it. But (a) renovations are only interesting to the people doing the renovating and (b) you need to have more ACTUAL phone sex, Zoe. I am sorry. Later, she is obsessed with Joel coming back for like 12 hours and all the tile they're going to pick out and NO ONE says, "girlfriend, do NOT spend your 12 hours with your long-distance boyfriend DOING ERRANDS WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH YOU." I don't...understand the priorities of the people of BlueBell sometimes. Sometimes, your priority should not be kitchen tile; it should be boning. And I say that as someone who is actually really into kitchen tile.
Sweaters!
I DO understand that Jaime King's sweater here is SUPER CUTE. ANYWAY, she and George and Wade -- I had a brief moment of hoping we were really returning to the halcyon days when the three of them had proper capers! But alas -- decide to trick LAL (I can't be bothered to write out LilyAnne's whole name) into believing Fancie's is haunted. This works. And they take it over. And then Camille Guaty shows up and says she had "a team" "search" Fancie's and discovered evidence of said trickery and she's suing them and WHAT. NO. First of all, how did she get "a team" inside PRIVATE PROPERTY to search anything without Lemon/George knowing? Second, why would L/G still have their Fake Ghost Evidence up when they've already re-opened Fancie's -- which also, as far as I could tell last week, NEVER CLOSED IN THE FIRST PLACE AND LOOKS JUST THE SAME? They should have HER arrested for TRESPASSING. AND this entire plot comes to NOTHING. SO WHAT WAS THE POINT? I am so sorry to be so screech-y about this -- I actually did not dislike this episode overall, I swear -- but this plot...has problems.
Dresses!
This dress on AB is completely darling. Let me just run down the Tim Matheson plot right now: JOEL ends up winning Man of the Year, but he's not there to accept, of course, so Zoe accepts on his behalf and it's actually really sweet but kind of reads like Joel is dead when Joel is just in London and so could you be too if this show were not titularly obligated to remain in Dixie.
PANTS WHAT
These pants...are....not...I need to take a nap.
McKayla Maroney
These two are the braintrust behind the French Delegation -- seemingly full of teenage French boys, so good for you two very industrious girls! -- and I just had to show you that McKayla is still not impressed. She wears the cutest fascinator later, as well. In an episode that didn't otherwise have like 50 plots, BlueBell Preparing For the French could have been a whole thing into and of itself. That would have been amusing, very possibly.
Tops!
Zoe looks very cute in this, despite getting stomach flu and having to miss her trip to see Joel. Essentially, this entire plot goes like this: she gets sick, his flight gets delayed, they can't figure out how to have sex in a car because they were never teenagers, he gets sent to London, she doesn't want to leave her practice. The end. Which...there is a line here where she tells Joel's producer that no one could ever imagine her being anything but a doctor, which I thought was a cute nod to all the criticism that Rachel Bilson doesn't make a believable doctor, and I think it was. But I think it was also in service of the plot, because of course the show can't send Zoe to London. I get it. And the excuse is her career. BUT we never SEE Zoe doctoring (which is also fine usually, BECAUSE Rachel Bilson isn't great at that) and therefore, that excuse doesn't FEEL true. So while it makes actual literal sense on paper, and I know very well why the show cannot do it, it doesn't make EMOTIONAL sense that this character wouldn't be all, "will I move to London for one year and live in a place that's paid for by a movie studio with my boyfriend? YES I WILL." It might not work out (see Bradshaw, Carrie), but anyone who says, "what will I do in London?" is out of her mind. I have a WHOLE list for you. It's going to be AMAZING FOR YOU TO LIVE FOR FREE IN LONDON FOR A YEAR YOU COMPLETE PINHEAD MORON YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PATIENTS ANYWAY SO SUDDENLY ACTING LIKE YOU WILL DIE WITHOUT DOCTORING IS NUTTY. It kind of reminds me of how, in Lost In Translation, ScarJo is all Whiney McMopey about being in Tokyo with her boyfriend and I wanted to smack her. HERE'S A SOLUTION: STOP MOPING AROUND THE HOTEL IN YOUR DAMN UNDERPANTS AND GO OUT AND LEARN SOME AWESOME SHIT ABOUT THIS INTERESTING FOREIGN COUNTRY THAT YOU ARE PRIVILEGED ENOUGH TO HAVE COPIOUS FREE TIME TO ENJOY.
I'm sorry. I just had to get that out. I really do get the show's reasoning here; they HAVE to break them up, and obviously Zoe can't leave BlueBell. That's the show. And pulling it off was always going to be complicated. I just don't know if I think this totally hung together. But I will take it all back if Joel shows up at the finale with a fake English accent he's acquired, to win her back. I WILL go that far for a fake accent gag.
Tantrum!
It will not surprise you to know that these two do not work well together and need a buffer with them at all times.
Here is Said Buffer
I love the idea of Meatball needing to be standing between George and Lemon at all times.
WHAT
It WILL surprise you that Zoe is wearing this really drab and weird dress as she plans the curtains she is going to make Joel approve when she sees him for the first time in ages because that's totally what they should do with their rare and precious time together.
Jammies
"Are those your pajamas? They're very...fashionable," Rose says. She's very supportive AND she has amazing hair. Anyway, the difficulties of this LDR put Zoe into a spiral of crazy and depression as you can see from her headsuit.
Cute!
So Tim Matheson -- who directed this episode -- and AB in her very very VERY cute (Kate Spade, I think) striped dress COMMAND Zoe to go see Joel in Los Angeles.
No
Where she sports this leather skirt I've always liked and just walks on to the lot to surprise Joel, where she in fact also finds him easily. Note: you cannot do that. I cannot show up on the Warner Brothers lot to tell Joel that there are no over-arching plot requirements preventing ME from moving to London with him for the year and actually I have a TON of work I could do in London, so HOW ABOUT IT? Joel would have to get me a drive-on before I could do that.
Dresses!
This dress on Lemon is LOVELY for this scene where they get sued for no reason that makes sense and which will be undone in like six minutes.
Fascinator
I have decided McKayla Maroney should be in the background of every HoD scene in a DIFFERENT fascinator.
Drinking!
And Lemon's earring game has been GREAT lately.
NOOOO
While LAL, although powerfully frightened of ghosts (as well as a whole other very amusing laundry list of things including oranges, Norwegians, hammocks, kittens, and carbon monoxide), apparently enjoys dressing like one.
Fine
In which Vivian informs LAL that singing songs about how much she hates the various citizens of BlueBell will eventually totally turn BlueBell against her and put her out of business. (Let's not even get into how easily and bizarrely this particular business has exchanged hands recently.) I will note that this is one of the first scenes where Vivian's cold and kind of intrinsically bitchy vibe actually really works. She is NOT believable with the actor playing her child, and she isn't very warm toward Wade, but when she's telling LAL off, I totally bought it and I kind of loved it. Someone wisely pointed out in the comments last week that part of the problem with Vivian is that we never see her trying to solve any problems, but here we do and she does it well. No nonsense HBIC Vivian is a person I might actually really like.
WE WERE ON A BREAK
So Joel and Zoe are "on a break." For a whole year. Because that will work. He is totally going to hook up with that cute girl from the copy store.
Auburn!
This scene was actually great. The French dude is DELIGHTED to hear AB tell him all about the AMAZING play Auburn (AB's team) scored against Alabama (Lavon's team) where an Auburn player recovered a missed field goal attempt with ONE SECOND LEFT and RAN IT BACK FOR A TOUCHDOWN TO WIN THE GAME. THIS REALLY HAPPENED THIS YEAR. It was unbelievable. I am so so glad they got that in this season, and it's really a charming moment. Lavon looks sad that AB is happily chatting about football to a suave French dude and I love you Lavon, but this is all a pickle of your own heart's making.
Eulogy
And when Joel wins Man of the Year from BlueBell, which is actually really awesome and sweet, Zoey basically gives his EULOGY which I guess makes sense because he's emotionally DEAD TO HER. Look, you know I love Joel, but we all knew this was coming and Zoe is all like, "WELL WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE NEVER COMING BACK" and I kind of feel like she has given up on this already. I am the only person who ever wants to fight for Joel.
NOOOO
I am worried that Tom Long may be just as heartbroken as Zoe is.
TA-DAH
These two got drunk in the aftermath of getting Fancie's back after Vivian scared LAL away (and then presumably did all the real estate paperwork. Does BlueBell just run on the honor system?!) and then THEY SLEPT TOGETHER. I actually am kind of down with this. I think it's funny, and the two of them had good chemistry in the scene where they were getting drunk. I am willing to take this particular houseboat ride; in a sense, it would crack me up if the whole series ended with Lemon and George together after all. Also: Jaime King's hair looks divine.
Heartbreak Pastries Ahoy
In BlueBell, when you have your heartbroken, people bring you snacks. Including, apparently, perfect strangers you've never seen before. I guess as long as they've got pastry?