Rentals!
So, one of the reasons I liked this episode is that it is FINALLY ADDRESSING the fact that Joel and Zoe need a place to live. How much money have those two spent at the B&B?! Zoe is a doctor with, apparently, zero patients, and Joel has written one best-selling novel, but one best-selling novel does not make you a Rockefeller. It's like they're taking financial advice from Lord Grantham. ANYWAY, there are two rentals in town: one has termites, the other is next door to Cricket and Mr. Cricket, who spend all their time singing show tunes. Zoe can't deal with bugs (Joel wisely points out they will just call the exterminator, but it's more like she'll never get the CONCEPT of bugs out of her head), and Joel can't deal with show tunes, because of the PTSD he has thanks to a summer he lived below Mandy Patinkin. This all leads up to them agreeing maybe they need to make nice with Zoe's Cranky Aunt Winifred, whose house is still for rent. Zoe notes that Winifred is, per Cousin Vivian, EVIL, but she's proved wrong when Wade pops by and notes that Winifred LOVES him: "We got into a whole thing about Kenny Rodgers's plastic surgery."
Tomfoolery!
Ah, yes, so remember this Fillmore/BlueBell merger story? The Lt. Gov. is coming to BlueBell, and if they can convince him it's a charming and historically significant town, they can stop the merger. The issue is that basically nothing historically significant has happened in BlueBell, so they're going to have to wing it. Tom Long pipes up that his mom has a REALLY old toilet, but Lavon will not have any "historic commodes" dragged into this. He also tells the entire town that this is IMPORTANT, so there is to be no fighting, no whining, and NO DRAMA. "Compulsory tomfoolery. I LOVE this place!" Joel says. I LOVE YOU JOEL.
Thumbs!
George is super excited that Tansy (newly broken up with hilarious jerkward Scooter McGreevy) and Lynly are hngng out this week. You can tell from his thumbs up and his manic smile when he recaps, "I used to date my best friend's ex-wife. My best friend pretended he was dating my ex-fiance, and now you're hanging out with my ex-girlfriend. IT'S ALL PART OF THAT BLUEBELL CHARM. IT'S SUPER. IT'S SUPER-DUPER." But what IS super is that Lynly gets run out of town on a vowel-less rail this week and we're all thrilled to see the end of her.
Brando!
So Zoe pops over to the Butter Stick to find out why Vivian is keeping her from Aunt Winifred and it turns out that Winifred is a raging anti-New-Yorkite because she has an ex-girlfriend from Queens and another from Brooklyn and she blames the city for the demise of her relationships and ergo, she will hate Zoe and Joel. So Zoe agrees that she and Joel will take Harley -- Vivian's eight year old son -- for an overnight so that Vivian can finally bang Wade (let's cut to the chase), in the hopes that Vivian will tell Winifred how awesome they are. "She wouldn't care," Vivian says. "She would only hate you more," Brando agrees.
DON TODD
Okay, so obviously another reason I enjoyed this episode is because I love Don Todd and I think he's the best. As does George, who is transfixed by this episode where Don Todd takes his Monster Golf Safari to Easter Island, and is therefore slightly irked when Lynly comes running in all freaked out to tell him that there was a misunderstanding with Tansy, and....
HAIR!
....Tansy is pretty pissed because LYNLY BURNED OFF HALF HER HAIR. And Lynly kinda pretends she didn't do it on purpose and no one believes her, including me, and that's one of the reasons she leaves town, because SHE IS CRAZY. I'm thrilled the writers have realized that the best way to deal with this actress's generally psychotic mien is to actually make her kind of crazy. It's called WORKING WITH WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DEALT.
Harley!
Harley is played by the same kid who plays Virginia's son on Master of Sex and he is really pretty entertaining. So Wade is clearly trying to get on his good side -- the better to continue in his quest to nail Vivian (okay, he actually also really likes her, you know, like, as a PERSON, but whatever) -- and the kid is basically not having it. Cecil, his beloved salamander, acts as his proxy here for many of Harley's feelings, and they include, "[Cecil] hates you. Everything about you. What's that...? Oh. He says he's going to kill you in your sleep unless you break up with my mom." I literally laughed out loud. Wade looks uncomfortable. "That's a very articulate salamander," he says.
Dots!
In which Shelby wears a cute, very Kate Middleton-inspired dress and realizes that the Lt. Gov. is ALSO the man who impregnated her in a one-night stand. I suppose Kate Middleton herself was also impregnated by a government employee, in a sense. Is Shelby the Kate Middleton of Hart of Dixie?!?! Anyway, I SERIOUSLY thought it was going to turn out to be Brick's baby, and she was lying to him for some reason, so this was kind of an entertaining and unexpected twist.
Rehearsal
Lavon is making everyone do a dry run of how they're going to "spontaneously" react to the Lt. Gov. and as you can imagine, it's not going well. Although I would point out that making Carl Winslow stand in for the Lt. Gov is a rookie mistake on Lavon's part. You have a star like Carl Winslow in your repertory and you're using him as a stand-in? You use Carl to SELL THIS TOWN. Although maybe Lavon is using Carl because he's the most accomplished improv'er in BlueBell and doesn't need to rehearse for his actual role as much as everyone else. I cannot believe how much thought I just put into that.
Benches!
Joel points out a lot of reasons why they do not have the best set-up to babysit, and Zoe points out that they wouldn't have this problem if he'd get over his "showtune phobia." "YOU try writing a novel with someone singing selections from Evita over your head all day!!" There is something adorable to me about the concept of Joel living downstairs from Mandy Patinkin. It's such a random plot point and it really makes me laugh.
Whatever
Lynley is of course running around town like a lunatic, crying and screaming, because she thinks -- accurately - that George is about to break up with her, and Lavon is like, "I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR ROMANTIC TRAUMA WHEN I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF SAVING MY TOWN." Tell it to Mrs Hughes, Lavon.
Bickering!
As you can perhaps imagine, Zoe and Joel are not good babysitters: there is a very cute moment where Harley calls them "basically married," and they're all atwitter about it, and then he totally, as Joel puts it, "psychologically waterboards" them into having a big (and very amusing, almost in-unison) argument about where they're going to live and then forces them, still bickering, to take him home. "Which one of you is afraid of commitment?" he wonders before they go. That kid is good.
Shirtlessness!
Where he interrupts this. I'd like to thank everyone involved in the making of this episode for bringing back Wade's bare chest. Thank you. Thank you very much. Don't worry; everyone puts his or her clothes back on before opening the door and letting Harley back in. And he's going up to his room, he shoots Wade the biggest, most shit-eating evil grin.
Lavon!
Lavon is very well-dressed, pocket square and all, for the most important day of BlueBell's existence, and thus attired he BURSTS into George's boat to note that HE DOES NOT HAVE TIME to deal with Lynly's INSANITY over George. George tries to tell him about the hair incident and Lavon shrilly screeches, "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HAIR," and reminds George that he and Lynly better pull it together because they need to get over to the Rammer Jammer to show the Lt Gov "love...and diversity...in a historic context" as they celebrate the anniversary of their first kiss. George is all, "i don't know if we're really going to be feeling like kissing....?" and Lavon tells him he better get in the mood. "FATE OF BLUEBELL," he says, as he storms out. I love squirrelly Lavon. He is the funniest of the Lavons.
Shake on It!
Wade agrees to sweet-talk Winifred for Zoe if she makes Harley love him. Good luck with that, you two.
Belles!
What they really should have told the Lt. Gov is that BlueBell cannot be subsumed by Fillmore or else the local costume industry will collapse. (The Lt. Gov seems to find BlueBell adorable, but is not so dumb as to be hoodwinked by everyone telling him "historic" facts of note.)
Good Morrow!
"Mayor Hayes, GOOD MORROW!" Zoe greets them, historically, and then she and Joel and her cute jeans do their best to kiss up, Joel noting that he's writing a new novel "inspired by BlueBell's unique small town culture...and, UH, RICH HISTORY." Then they bail, taking Wade with them, to Lavon's immense relief.
Black and White!
This might be one of my favorite of AB's outfits....
Drinking!
...And it's certainly one of my favorite pieces of blocking, as she downs an entire glass of white wine in one gulp as Shelby sings a song called "I Nailed the Lt Gov Eight Months Ago and So I'm Avoiding Him Now." AB, now appropriately sauced, wisely tells Shelby that she has got to tell the Lt. Gov that he's going to be a father, if only for the good of their child.
Winifred!
Winifred really DOES hate New Yorkers, and Wade ends up losing Harley's beloved murderous salamander at this crab boil they've all crashed, so that goes about as well as can be expected. (Don't worry, they get Harley a new salamander...which also wants to kill Wade.)
Hats!
And Tansy is NOT happy about having to serve the 6 Week Kiss Anniversary Milkshake to, as she (amusingly) calls them "Gullible George Tucker and Crazy Eyes Lynly." She should, however, be happy that her hat is very cute on her. Additionally, George is TOTALLY breaking up with Lynly, especially because the more she talks, the more it seems like she totally DID burn Tansy on purpose, as she told Tansy that the smell of BURNING HAIR was JUST POPCORN. RUN GEORGE RUN.
Commodes!
The OTHER good news is that Tom Long's Mom's Commode (my new indie band) totally saves the day. Tom had neglected to mention earlier that US President Andrew Jackson carved his name into said toilet (and also peed into it). And the LT Gov is all, "THAT'S HISTORIC" and so he agrees to save the town.
Shocking!
As you can imagine, when you go into the mayor's house to sign the paperwork to prevent a town merger and you leave finding that you are about to become a father, it's kind of shocking. But because the Lt. Gov is a good person, he eventually DOES sign the paperwork, so BlueBell is saved, AND he invites Shelby to move to Mobile so they can raise their child together, which she does. I guess that's sad for Brick and all, but what it really means is that Lemon can buy Fancy's (or whatever Shelby re-named it when it was a cabaret for 10 minutes) and have something to do with her life.
BYE
AND THEN LYNLY LEAVES TOWN. In a very cute dress, which should make her feel much better about how happy everyone is about this plot development. Fare thee well, Crazy Eyes. May you live long and prosper, on a show I don't watch.
Kissing!
And in the celebrations over the fact that no one is going to have to be living in BlueMore or FillBell, Joel and Zoe agree that they're going to buy Termite House. Yes, buy it: "All in," Joel tells Zoe, and then they kiss and this break-up, when it happens, which it surely will, is really going to be hard on me. WILL NO ONE THINK OF ME?