Conessions of a Teenage Extensions Queen
The episode picks up at the end of Linds and Oprah's conversation, in which Lindsay has realized that if she doesn't shape up the only cameras she can get on her right now will go away, and Oprah salvaging her financial investment by using the fact that she KNOWS Linds can't say no to her, to ensure Linds doesn't say no. Oprah even says, later, in her car, that when she told Lindsay she'd send the cameras away, she saw Lindsay realize Oprah wasn't f'ing around, and that's when she decided to keep going. I think... I think that it's not JUST the money for Oprah, but that it's not pure human compassion, either. It's ego. After enough years of doing her show I think Oprah is fascinated by the psychology of this and feels sad for her, the same way we all are, but ALSO that sees this as a personal opportunity: She wants to be the one who gets the credit for fixing Lindsay, and if she CAN'T fix her, it's not a ding to her reputation because no one will say OPRAH failed; they'll just say Lindsay was beyond help.
Conessions of a Dina Drama Queen
Oprah then sits down with Dreadful Dina, and you guys, it is impossible for me to be impartial about her, and for that I apologize in advance. It is way too late in all this for her to recast herself as a good honest worker and struggling single parent; it's disingenuous and it's gross to me, and so it's hard for me to listen to her calmly.
Oprah asks her if she regrets letting Lindsay move to L.A., and later, flat-out, if she felt like she failed as a parent. DIna basically says Lindsay turned 18 and had money and power, and Dina had no husband and three other kids in school in New York, and they couldn't just pick up and MOVE. (Technically, yes you can, Dina. It's called... wait for it... PICKING UP AND MOVING. Families do it all the time. It's not like you were relocating to Siberia, and also, Ali has been trying to be a model for years so I don't really think you're that committed to her schooling.) She also says she was so guarded with herself in interviews that people thought she didn't care. "Glib" and "guarded" are not the same, Dina.
Next, Oprah asks if Dina was surprised by the rehab trips and such. Now, it's my memory that Dina and Lindsay frequently were out partying TOGETHER, but I wasn't there, so I can't say that like it's fact. Dina's response to Oprah is that Lindsay hid it from her: "I didn't even know the names of half the drugs." That... sigh; breathe; maybe she's saying she hadn't heard of them and not that she saw Lindsay doing a bunch of drugs she didn't recognize. I think Dina just does not represent herself well. Charitably, without cursing, that is my polite assessment.
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Oprah
Dina notes that Lindsay acted like everything was fine, and she either stayed away, or came home and "wasn't like that." Oprah, bless her, says somewhat disbelievingly, "Well, SHE IS AN ACTRESS." I get that addicts are excellent at hiding their issues from their loved ones, but... real talk: Lindsay let home when she was 18, Dina says, when she was 21, ten days out of rehab, is when the infamous "Those coke pants aren't mine" incident happened, and some bad driving and at least one DUI, and then the alleged theft of the necklace in 2011, and COUNTLESS others. Lindsay is now 27 and has been to rehab six times. Even if Dina was so blinkered, do we not think she'd have gotten the memo after Rehab #2? Rehab #3? FOUR, even? Or in the years between Coke Pants 2007 and 2013, when this was shot? That is SIX YEARS of headlines and CONSTANT denials and trips to rehab, and she's trying to pretend Lindsay seemed fine when she was home so she didn't think there was a problem? SHE IS AWFUL.
I'm sorry. I haven't had this issue in my family, but it is EXTREMELY HARD for me to believe that if the NEWSPAPERS were giving me an accounting of my kid over MORE THAN SIX YEARS and the math didn't add up and she'd been to rehab THAT many times, I would stop spouting the whole "Well she seemed fine when she was home" line. I really wanted Oprah to scream in her face that she is toxically self-involved.
O asks if Dina thought Lindsay wouldn't make it. Dina squeezes out a tear after saying the word "wow" three times. Oprah asks what her greatest fear is, and Dina eloquently says, "That," with a dry sniffle. THEN Dina says it was hard because the press kept saying Lindsay wouldn't survive drugs, and it was rude of them t put that out there in the universe. MAYBE IT WAS RUDE OF YOU NOT TO THINK IT WAS A LEGITIMATE CONCERN. MY GOD WOMAN, HOW MANY SIGNS DID YOU NEED.
Confessions of a Teenage Grandma Queen
And then Granny Lohan comes out and says she loves her girls, and that Lindsay should have won an Oscar for "The Parent Trap." I looked that up, and she would've had to beat GOOP for "Shakespeare In Love" AND Cate Blanchett for "Elizabeth," so... that's a lovely supportive thing for Granny to say, but if Lindsay had gotten a nomination and then defeated those two performances, well, I actually would have LOVED to see the reactions from those two. If LiLo had beaten Gwyneth, do we think we'd still even HAVE GOOP?
Confessions of a Schedule Drama Queen
So, Lindsay has still clung to the idea that a schedule will make everything better, and nobody says out loud that you can't have a schedule without the participation of your star. Oprah tells her that they'll keep going, they will schedule it, and she will not get any more calls about Lindsay's behavior, PERIOD. She is going full "The Secret" on that by saying it out loud and hoping it will be true.
Confessions of a #SaveMatt Drama Queen
I love his face. There is SO MUCH rumpled, world-weary WTF written all over it, all the time. Here, he is noting that he did not quit yet and he has spoken with Lindsay, so, "I'm still here," which he says in a tone that DRIPS with skepticism.
Confessions of a Teenage Shoe Queen
I just thought you'd like to see that Lindsay uses her railing as a shoe rack. It's actually kind of inventive. See, Hollywood? She is a CREATIVE PERSON.
So creative, in fact, that she seems to think leaving one old parking ticket on her windshield will forestall getting new ones. #SaveMatt has to explain that, no, they just keep adding new ones, and she's about to get towed. But he solved her parking problem before she even knew about it, which is why #SaveMatt is the best Matt. Sorry. McConaughey.
Confessions of a Second Assistant Drama Queen
So, Random British Girl Hollie is still here, "helping" "unpack." There's a moment where Director Amy points to a bunch of wardrobe racks that production bought (which aren't assembled yet) and asks Hollie how many Lindsay will need. "Um. At least fifteen racks. Inside the closet," she says displaying a stunning mastery of the concept of physical space. And then we get shots of AJ the Life Coach cooking Lindsay breakfast (and cutting her finger; fortunately Lindsay IS capable of applying a Band-Aid for somebody, which is refreshing), intercut with Hollie being TOTALLY unable to assemble any of these. She is a vibrant and useful person, and it's wonderful to see that Michael Lohan has procured Lindsay a "second assistant" who is as functional as she is.
Confessions of a Teenage AWESOME Queen
AND THEN THIS HAPPENS. It is amazing. Let's review: Michael Lohan met Hollie because he works at a treatment center with Hollie's boyfriend, and yet Hollie DRANK IN FRONT OF A GIRL FRESH OUT OF REHAB. I am hopeful that this wasn't because Lindsay ALSO was having wine, but regardless, this girl is a national treasure. From the nation of WTFistan.
#SaveMatt of a Teenage Drama Queen
Please enjoy the expression on Matt's face when he tells the camera he had to fire Hollie. His mouth says that Hollie was very young and that it's hard to be a personal assistant and there is much to learn; his eyes, however, say, "I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAD TO DEAL WITH THAT DIPSHIT FOR EVEN ONE DAY OF MY LIFE AND FIRING HER WAS SO SATISFYING I CANNOT EVEN TELL YOU."
Confessions of a Pants Drama Queen
AJ the LIfe Coach can say all the pretty words she likes, but when it comes right down to it, nobody who wears those pants should be in charge of anyone else's life.
Confessions of a Teenage Pole Dancing Queen
This is the part of the show where the attempt at a schedule is showing, Obviously, one of the things Lindsay has cleared for them to see is her doing S-Factor class, which is something she did to train for "I Know Who Killed Me," an almost universally reviled thriller in which she plays twins. I dispute the wisdom of bringing her to a workout regimen that is associated with a large professional failure and her winning a Razzie for Worst Actress in a tie WITH HERSELF. However, I can't dispute that a) S-Factor is always going to be a friendly place to film because Sheila Kelley is smart (and if you made a "Welcome to Debbie Country" joke in your head, you're not alone); and b) it's a REALLY freaking good workout. You don't think it will be, and then suddenly it's about athleticism and grace and strength and it's pretty exhilarating to realize you can hang upside down from a pole by your ankle. TRUE CONFESSION: I took those classes for years, and if it weren't so freaking expensive, I would still do it.
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Sober Coach
#SaveMatt is not all that thrilled to learn that Sober Coach Michael has to go back to LA, because now #SaveMatt has fewer buffers in place (my words, not his). Michael says he was only supposed to come out here to help Lindsay with the transition in her first month. I feel as though this might be an excuse, but this show has not shied away from showing some of the people around Lindsay being frustrated with her, so maybe not. However, it's very telling to me that they did not have a scene of her saying goodbye to him, which suggests either she was EXTREMELY UPSET about him leaving, or they had a fight about her sobriety/recovery/behavior and he threw up his hands, and Lindsay refused to put that fight on camera because it was about her addiction (fair enough). Which I think, based on some of Sober Coach's comments, is VERY possible.
Sober Coach tells us that Lindsay has a few good friends to help her now (but are any of them NOT on her payroll), notably does NOT mention either of her parents as assets, and says she has a system for recovery firmly in place but "I can't tell you if she's participating in that." Can't, or WON'T, Sober Coach Matt? The rapidity and lack of fanfare with which he's being whisked away is, as I said, very intriguing and also concerning. I may have felt he sounded full of shit at many, many times, but something about him leaving here makes me feel less like he's being fired or slinking away, and more like he's thinking, "You know what? This girl is making me look inept." Which is not me saying I think she isn't sober; just me saying that I think she makes everything a hundred times more challenging than it needs to be.
Confessions of a Teenage Fallon Queen
Then there's a bloated segment about her doing a skit on Jimmy Fallon in Sept 2013; this means that from the premiere to this episode, it has been about two weeks. So Sober Coach's 30-day time frame does track.
The following conversation happened when one of the beans walked in and I freeze-framed this.
LIAM: Why IS this? What is that girl's dress?
ME: That's a guy in a dress.
LIAM: No, that's a Mommy.
ME: Nope, that's a guy.
LIAM: Dresses aren't just for girls. THEY CAN BE FOR LITTLE BOYS TOO.
ME: I agree.
LIAM: What's that boy doing with his hat?
ME: That's a girl.
LIAM: I don't know about this.
ME: They're just doing a kind of play together, for fun.
LIAM: Let's watch what happens.
ME: No, that's okay, I think we can let it go for now.
LIAM: What's in that box? (picks up a box lid) NOTHING. NOTHING IS IN THAT BOX.
ME: That's the lid to my business cards. See, that's my name, and that's Auntie Jess's name.
LIAM: (gasps with delight, clutches it to his cheek) Auntie JESS! We have to tell Auntie Jess about the mommy in the dress.
ME: Will do.
LIAM: I don't think that play looks fun.
ME: You're wise.
Confessions of a Teenage Leggings Queen
Next, Lindsay does community service, which is a condition of her probation. She's got 30 days to do, so she shows up in rubber pants and the director of this school/community center tells us that she does definitely have reservations about Lindsay based on her reputation, but that "those concerns don't have a place in this setting. The children don't judge, so why should we?" Lindsay also talks about how THIS kind of community service is WAY better than when the judges were just giving her hours as punishment -- she is REALLY hung up on that one judge whom she perceives as her tormentor -- and we are treated to flashbacks of 2011, when she was given 480 hours of community service, including 120 in the morgue. Lindsay talks about how giving back is SO much more effective than being punished, and she DOES have a point that people respond better to work that's fun than work that's arduous, but also, honey, it kind of WAS a punishment. YOU SCREWED UP. They're not supposed to handle that by giving you 480 hours of serving a community by staying inside all day watching movies, although that might also have been helpful just to keep her off the roads.
Confessions of a Teenage Service Queen
The segment is cute, though: Lindsay plays with the kids, one little boy named Donovan in particular, tracing outlines of them and then helping them decorate the outlines like superheroes -- which is something I am going to steal and do with my kids. She is extremely relaxed the whole time in a way that is a marked difference from the scenes of the past AND one that is coming up in a minute.
Confessions of a Teenage MUNCHKIN Queen
Donovan is ADORABLE. He cries when he has to say goodbye to her, and then turns around and gives her another hug and sniffles, "I'M NOT CRYING." She seems genuinely glad she was there, but I mean... it WAS basically playtime for her, so of course she enjoyed it. I feel like having to talk to a room full of bratty middle schoolers about her problems would be a lot more effective for everyone, no matter how much this little moppet loved her.
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Coach
Sober Coach pops up and talks about how addiction is a very selfish disease where you're constantly asking yourself, "Am I comfortable now? Am I comfortable NOW? Am I comfortable NOW?!?" Kind of like your own personal Verizon man living in your head. He says that the idea behind community service is to put all that focus on another person, which creates, and I quote, "a menu of estimable acts." I'm sure that's true, aside from sounding totally poncey. My concern with giving an assignment this cushy to a girl who might not be learning her lessons is that it lets her layer feelings of "OMG I AM SUCH A GOOD PERSON" over the personal work she's still trying to do. I'd be interested to hear people's thoughts about that. They do BRIEFLY get Lindsay to touch on working in the morgue, and her takeaway was that she had a hard time and didn't realize how many people die in a day; it did seem to impact her, judging by her facial expression, but not necessarily in a way that shone any light on her own life.
Confessions of a Teenage Slumber Queen
Then the kids trace Lindsay, and when they're gone, they scream, "Get up, get up," and she actually does, and this makes me wonder if #SaveMatt wants to hire them to be her alarm clock because it has NEVER been that easy for HIM.
Confessions of a Teenage Monster Queen
Doesn't their tracing of her feel like they actually outlined her DEMONS? IT'S DEEP.
Confessions of a Teenage Stressball Queen
And then: In a marked contrast, we watch Lindsay's mind unravel. AJ is making an objectives board for her life and career goals, and this sends LiLo on a spiral about how her agents and her managers aren't working hard enough for her and she has to do everything herself and it's not fair and it's holding her back. AGAIN, she is going full Crisis Alchemist, turning her past problems into their deficiencies: "All they do is take a commission" when she goes out and gets her own movie roles (like "the last two," which are... The Canyons and Liz and Dick, maybe?), and they're not working hard enough to get her roles. This sounds like the nonsense she said to #SaveMatt last week, about how him asking for her time every day made HER feel like the employee and that she should get the paycheck. "They don't care. They have their breadwinners and they're not willing to fight for me to be that," she says. "Put me in a meeting every hour of every day. And I will show up and I will do that," she says, making me wonder how many meetings they tried to put her in that she blew off or was late to;,then: "I have a roadblock in my way." And she thinks that roadblock is the attention of her managers. Honey, that roadblock is YOU and everything you've done, and every second, third, and fourth chance you have squandered.
"Unless I'm Penelope Cruz, he doesn't care, but I can't BE Penelope Cruz without him fighting for me," she says. And also YOU NEED TO SHOW UP ON TIME. YOU ARE AN INSURANCE LIABILITY ON A FILM SET. UNDERSTAND THIS. PENELOPE CRUZ HAS NOT DONE ANY OF THAT. SHE PROBABLY WISHES YOU WOULD NOT BRING HER INTO THIS.
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Board
This is her board, if you're curious.
And this is juicy: Lindsay says her agent texted her that "The Avengers" was going with an unknown instead, and she feels like she never even got to put herself on tape for them to make a last push. She blames the agency for not pushing, and says, "I can only do so much." She feels like they're passing her potential roles on to people like Vanessa Hudgens and that she has been fully present and accountable. Stories from even "The Canyons" would seem to dispute that, although that was pre-rehab, I think. She has been out for like, what, about two months at this point? If that? When does she think she's proven anything to anyone, if she couldn't even do a "lingerie" "film" for a friend without it ending in tears and then her quitting?
AJ does manage to wonder whether Lindsay has considered that the resistance is because she hasn't proven to anyone yet that her past behavior is TRULY in the past. Lindsay asks if AJ thinks she deserves people who will push the world for her, and AJ says, "You deserve to give YOURSELF fire and passion and then find someone to help with it." That sounds like BS at first -- and it pisses Lindsay off and she actually tries to argue that AJ thinks she doesn't deserve nice things -- but actually I think is a perfectly logical way to side-step the tough answer. Which AJ shouldn't be doing, but I get the sense her whole MO is to answer only with some weird positivity instead of total honesty. She then THANK GOD points out that Lindsay's references right now are Oprah and the production company. And if people are calling them and hearing only that she was late, or unreliable, or ANYTHING ELSE, then Lindsay won't work. And this TOTALLY quiets Lindsay. She gets that "Oh shit" face where she realizes yet again she has stepped into a pile of something professionally smelly.
Confessions of a Teenage Dental Queen
Then Lindsay has a "late-night dental emergency" and has to get a crown fixed on her tooth, but oh, right, she can't get it cemented into her face because she has anxiety about the doctors touching her mouth. So, this recovering addict is going to get sedated.
As this unfolded, I was concerned that Lindsay was feeling freaked out and jonesing, and realized the only condoned way to get a fix was through dental work, so she ripped out her own crown. I don't WANT to think that, but the events of this episode -- the shadowy departure of Sober Coach, her panicking about her job, and some of the comments coming up, DUN DUN DUN -- have me wondering about the EXTREMELY convenient timing of her getting pumped full of Valium and Fentanyl.
Confessions of a Teenage Tattoo Queen
I just thought this tattoo was interesting. Anecdotally. It says, "I leave before being left. I decide." You can interpret that as strength, or you can interpret it as a motto endorsing self-sabotage, and I suspect she doesn't see a difference sometimes.
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Crown
Filming Lindsay getting her teeth drilled and her mouth shoved full of cotton is totally this crew's reward for her previous behavior. You know they probably loved how unflattering that is. They do consult with her L.A. dentist -- Linds claims she got root canals done this way while at Cliffside -- and he okays it all, so the Telegenic Man Dentist they found at the last second who signed all the waivers goes ahead and knocks her out and glues on her tooth.
BUT: The anesthesiologist says that sedation is worrisome for an addict, and that he's being slow and careful, but yes, these drugs are addictive, and yes, they take a few days to wear off, and that this is not particularly ideal. She even starts to stir in the middle of the procedure, at which point they say, "Huh, strong girl," and it totally comes off like he's shocked at her drug tolerance, which makes me sad. #SaveMatt watches this with great concern the whole time, and I think he's right.
Confessions of a Tabloid Drama Queen
And then this story comes out. The American Dental Association right now is probably scrambling to figure out a way to rebound from the implication that getting a crown glued on sent an addict off the rails. As Olivia Pope would say, optics are bad.
Confessions of a Teenage Nightclub Queen
Then we see Lindsay primping and taking an extensive tour of Leg City, while telling us in an interview that she loves the nightlife and likes to boogie, and that this is all about knowing when and how she can be there around people who are drinking and not partake. Production asks her if she's still sober, or sober but having to start over with counting her days, and her answer is, "I'm sober, but it's been very close. I've come close, and it's scary." This is buried so deep at the end of the episode. I wonder if even the filmmakers didn't know entirely what was going on but had SUPER STRONG SUSPICIONS, and/or there was a bunch of stuff that was off-camera or which they were barred from showing. I don't know. I don't want to cast aspersions, but this episode made me antsy. Oprah should have pulled the plug. The thing is, if ANYTHING was going to get this kid straight, it was the potential ego crash of failing on-camera. But if that's not working or she found a way around it, then that means she found her last ditch and crashed into it. I HOPE she stayed clean.
Confessions of a Teenage Yoga Queen
So, while AJ organizes a yoga session in which they have SET UP A SHRINE to Lindsay that includes her Capri Global Award from 2007 and hopefully also her Razzies (just to be totally complete about it)...
Confessions of a Teenage Slacker Queen
... and Lindsay slips in a bite saying, yeah, she was slacking on going to AA meetings (!!), but in a way it's Michael's fault, because she'd tell herself she could skip a meeting as long as she had a sober coach with her...
Confessions of a Sadface Drama Queen
... Michael is packing his things and leaving. He says he came here to be her sober coach, not her sober crutch, and that she's made her transition and he doesn't want to inhibit her from standing on her own two feet. AND THEN OMG: Production asks him if he thinks she is clean. And HE CAN'T ANSWER. And he hems and haws, and tips his head back and bites his lip, and chews on it, and sighs, and cannot come up with anything to say. THIS IS BAD, Y'ALL. He finally says, "I have no hard evidence that she's NOT." And then says she has plenty of support: "I just want her to pick up her tools and use them." I mean, I'm sure he's trying to respect what he feels is a certain confidentiality, and also does not want to get his ass sued. But wow. Just wow. There is so much in the fringes of this episode that the documentarians are clearly trying to deal with as thoroughly as they can without a whole pantload of footage, and they did a nice job, but this almost has me more worried than some of the other crazy shit she does. This is like your coach quitting in the middle of March Madness because he thinks you're about to lose and he doesn't want it to affect his future job prospects. Oyyy.