Tami and Hayden
So, these two have started their RED LIPS, WHITE LIES tour, which totally sounds like a Designer Imposter version of an Elizabeth Taylor perfume. Hayden gets in a dig about Tami's age, and Hayden deflects questions about her "breakup" with Tebow (because nobody knows they were Secret Married). And they both look great, especially Hayden, who has both red lips AND some white lies on today.
Deacon
Deacon's skeezy bandmate is still pissed that Deacon bagged the hot reporter, who seems creeped out by him. He's all, "Don't get cocky, I didn't even try," and Deacon replies, "That's funny, sure looked like you tried pretty hard," and Skeezeball is so pwned that he is knocked back to a time when we cared about pwned as a word. I'm going to try playing that in Words With Friends and see how it goes.
Tami
Tami decides not to go back home for Teddy's big election party. She would rather wear this vest. Y'all know how I feel about Teddy, but if those are the choices, I'd take the plane.
Scarlett and Gunnar
Scarlett remains STUPIDLY CLUELESS about why Gunnar doesn't seem to want to be around her all the time, and they don't talk normally anymore. She gloms onto his road trip to Austin to see his brother, because she wants to take her skirts and her Timberlands and see Deacon in concert. Gunnar looks as excited as if you told him he got a job plunging Lucky Spencer's bog for a week.
Lucky Spencer
Speaking of Lucky, I love this post-coital screen grab. Marilyn has told him not to sign his contract with Wyclef because she wants to negotiate and doesn't like his "standard" clauses. Lucky is antsy. Let's just skip to the end of this story: He sees Wyclef privately, Wyclef lets him drive a bangin' car and sweet-talks Lucky into thinking he's on the up-and-up, and Lucky signs the contract and gets the car as a signing bonus. Marilyn is like, "Hey, congratulations on your car instead of a six-figure cash bonus," and Lucky is a brat to her. Let me guess: This is going to end with Wyclef ruining his music, Marilyn wanting nothing to do with him, and Lucky having no band because he alienated his friends. Just a WILD theory.
Hayden
Hayden allows herself to be filmed in tiny, tiny shorts, jogging the stadium stairs to stay in shape. Tebow won't grant her a divorce and her manager thinks she should talk to him, so she does a quick interview telling the equivalent of Access Hollywood that she wishes Tebow nothing but the best, and that sometimes breakups happen for a reason to prevent an even bigger mistake. She's nice about it but it's clear she's hoping that will be enough to get him to sign. Personally, I prefer all my communications to come through the TV. I've asked Jessica to contact me solely through TMZ episodes.
Tami
"Oh, hey y'all, just chillin', lookin' like a badass. There is no way any real-life person is as cool as I am."
Liam
So, her new producer will also fill in asTami's guitar player, because she's fired two guys already. She buys him cowboy boots to welcome him to country music, and he works hard to restrain himself from vomiting into their depths. Doesn't he realize cowboy boots are so on-trend right now? Note: That might not be true, but this show has the effect of making me want to own a pair, so I think that counts.
Hayden
Hayden is having a bad day: Liam embarrasses her into flouncing off-stage at her sound-check because she ran 15 minutes over, Tebow wants her in front of a judge to admit fraud so that he can get the marriage annulled, and she's stuck wearing that blouse, which somehow has its own bangs.
Teddy and girls
And these people are having cookies and milk. Just in case you missed them.
Gunnar and Ben
I don't know what Ben's character name is, so I'm calling him Ben because that's who he played on Jane By Design. Anyway, turns out he was in prison. Gunnar is brimming with excitement about the future, but Ben just picks up the guitar for a jam session. Like you do. Eight years in the pokey, and the FIRST thing you want to do when you're free is some wicked close-harmony singing. Let me skip ahead: Ben pawns Gunnar's guitar for what I THINK was a gun? I'm not sure. But he sells it and then bolts after hugging Gunnar and admitting he's grateful Gunnar isn't a screw-up like him.
Liam and Tami
"I'm not wearing the boots because I'm not Deacon and I never will be." "Whaaaat y'all?" "You heard me. Also, you look awesome in that robe." "Well, yeah, y'all." "Somebody should probably be having sex with you." "I KNOW Y'ALL." Only one of those statements happened. You decide.
Scarlett and Deacon
I can't figure out where Scarlett bought a skirt that shows so much skin, given that she is ALWAYS completely swaddled in something.
Scarlett
Naturally, the Revel Kings skeeze gets rapey with her, and Deacon busts in at just the right time, punches him, and quits the band. So he'll be free to join Tami's tour. Not that he will. I'm just SAYING. His journalist lady needs someone to make her jealous, and so does Tami. Oh, the mutual fuming!
Scarlett, meanwhile, goes home with Gunnar and he starts to tell her a little about his brother. But just a little. They're still awkward. OF COURSE.
Liam and Hayden
Snipe snipe snipe, oh, you two just DO IT ALREADY.
Tami
Tami opens her show in snakeskin jeans and a gold sequined shirt, and shoes with mustaches. She actually looks great, except for the shoes -- I can't get past how ticklish those must be.
Tami
Lunges. It's lunges that will turn me into this, right? I'm going to do some lunges.
Hayden
Meanwhile, Hayden is all Weepy Emoticon because she zipped out to confront Tebow and he was super angry at her and she's in a pickle of her own making. And while homemade pickles can often be more satisfying, in this case it's safe to say she's not enjoying the sting of her own juices.
Hayden
So then SHE goes out and all but DOES lunges on stage in her tiny skirt, and sings the song she and Tebow bonded over in her private plane, and quasi-dedicates it to him. He will appreciate all the muscle work she's putting into it.
Hayden
And so then Hayden puts on her most prim suit, and goes and gives Tebow exactly what he wants.
Tebow and Hayden
And she tells Tebow he's better off, and he leans over and reminds her how she once told him that once he got to know her he wouldn't like her very much, and then says that it's TRUE. She gives this very sad, knowing nod, as if to say, "You and me both," and aw. Hayden is quite good on this show.
Election Night
And then Teddy wins the election, because if he hadn't, then between that and Tami's expressed lack of faith in their marriage he would have been SUCH a sad sack that he'd have redefined Sad Sackitude.
The Family
Except Tami decided to go support him, and don't they look DELIGHTED. This is a stirring portrait of family joy.
Powers and Tandy
And Tandy asks Powers if he bought the election even when Teddy asked him not to, and Powers insists he didn't, and then they gaze at each other like they're Secret Lovers which is incredibly disturbing since they are father and child. OR ARE THEY. I mean, they probably are. But.
Peggy and Teddy
And then, once Tami takes the girls home and Teddy is sad by himself in the hotel room with nobody to drink his victory champagne, Peggy sneaks over to congratulate him. And strokes his face. And they pant at each other a little before she sneaks out again. So: Teddy is tempted. Tami, not so much. Let's just throw EVERYONE in a room with some oysters and champagne and just see what happens.