Smashville
So, the car accident from the end of the season resulted in Deacon hauling Rayna's unconscious body out of the car, which seems unwise because he didn't seem to think it was going to explode. But it DOES mean nobody knows who was driving, which sets the table for LIES. Also, even a head injury doesn't jack with the vitality of her Tami hair. (See? I can still REFERENCE Tami.)
Rayna
Rayna, of course, ends up in a coma. And they spend the whole episode acting like maybe she is going to die: lots of crying and beeping machines and frantic doctors, and her daughter weeping that she's not going to survive. This does great things for Hayden/Juliette's character, but is boring as a viewer because we know Rayna is going to live and thus it felt like we were being toyed with in a dull way. They try to solve that problem by making it a TV-style Informative Coma, but not of the ilk wherein Chad Michael Murray learned important things about himself and MURDER. Instead, it's mostly informative to us, and a paycheck for the special-effects people.
The Past
In The Past, Rayna dresses like Scarlett, except less stupidly. And she and Deacon and their blurry faces -- shot in jerky motion, Vaseline-lens-style, and usually at a distance -- are very happy and making out a lot in this shot, where he shows her their dream house.
Deacon
Deacon is in court, having told everyone that HE was driving, and of course he was drunk and blew twice the legal limit. So he stands in his very most defensive ballet second position, and listens to the judge -- who has been influenced by Mayor Teddy -- tell him that bail is a million bucks. Deacon announces that he doesn't want a lawyer and he wants to plead guilty, because he has a martyr complex. The judge is like, "Girl, please. Get one." And THEN Deacon goes to jail and the guard ACTUALLY tells him that a lot of inmates are Rayna Jaymes fans and he'd BETTER HOPE SHE DOESN'T DIE. So the only honor among jailed criminals is: a) children, and b) country music. Good to know.
Juliette and her manager Glenn
GLENN! I missed Glenn's hair. Anyway, Juliette is watching news coverage of Rayna's accident and two-week Coma of Vaseline, but she's mad about it because it's overshadowing her album release. Glenn stops short of telling her she's a heartless cad. Remember, too, that in Nashville's world, Juliette's mother has not been dead for very long, so she's still messed up. But she's also still Juliette, so.
Dude
Juliette's solution is to try and bang this applicant to be her new assistant. But he's unsatisfactory in the sack and she gets distracted by the news, so she kicks him out. I'm only including this because I can't tell if he'll resurface or not, given that he says, "I take it I didn't get the job," and she's like, "Get home safe now." Son, by the looks of the scene, you spent a long time downtown and she had the TV on the whole time. You did not get the job, on any level.
Scarlett
Scarlett's hair looks a bit better this season, and less like they glued hair extensions to Gloria Loring.
Juliette
Scarlett asks Juliette if she'll help with Deacon's bail. Juliette tells her no, because he's an addict, and addicts always suck the life out of people. Scarlett leaves, because she knows better than to take life advice from someone wearing jeans from the Jordache Monistat collection.
Dude
Remember last season, when Cowboy Chris Carmack (sorry -- that name might stick) locked eyes with his former boyfriend in a crowded bar? Well, now CCC and Gunnar are roommates, and we learn that Scarlett rejected Gunnar's proposal. So CCC suggested a Get Over Her party, and guess who showed up? CCC is upset, so he corners the dude in the laundry room, and they almost make out, except instead CCC punches him.
Teddy and Peggy
Do they still shoot this show in Nashville? Because how FAKE does this look? Faker than Peggy's pregnancy: Here, she tells Teddy she's got an appointment to get the baby checked, but he snaps, "I already HAVE a family, Peggy." So when she goes to the ultrasound and finds out that she miscarried, she copes with it by telling Teddy that... she heard a heartbeat. So we're about to learn whether synthetic or down pillows make better fake bumps.
CGI Deacon
This is CGI Deacon -- who appears to be missing some of his CGI -- telling CGI Rayna that he loves her and wants to marry her, and hopes she'll stop seeing Teddy...
CGI Rayna
... and this is CGI Rayna having CGI Feelings about that. The flashbacks make it hard to tell how much time has passed between any of them, so I'm going to set aside my concerns about whether they cleave to the right timeline of Rayna's fame, and instead suggest that in the first one -- where she was JUST getting her first CMA nomination -- her hair should have been tragic and her clothes should have been tackier. Because that has to have been like 20 years ago, if her status as The Queen of Country is to be believed (which doesn't really work with how old Maddie is and the rest of the scenes, but... like I said, I'm assuming we skipped BIG chunks of time here), and 1993 was a terrible time for us all.
Deacon
Current Deacon is furrowy because he wants to punish himself for everything. But his lawyer finds medical records of seatbelt marks on Rayna's body that prove she was driving. Deacon is all, "I DID THIS TO HERRRRRR," because he's a pork tenderloin and he's marinating in teriyaki and misery and he wants to be thrown on the grill.
Juliette
Juliette decides to make Rayna's coma all about her, which feels wonderfully in-character. So she puts on her Carrie Underwood 2009 finest and gives a speech about how Rayna is their heart and soul, and then covers one of Rayna's songs. It's a stroke of genius. I love our little Machievelli Jr. and I am so annoyed that Hayden Panettiere didn't get an Emmy nod, because actually she should have over Connie Britton. All I can think of is that maybe Hayden's awesomeness on this show needs more than one episode to really hit you, and one episode is all they submit. Don't get me started on THAT, though... or, do: If these people are going to vote on this stuff, they should damn well be required to watch at least two hours of the actor's work, because it's not the actor's fault if they don't get one perfect self-contained Emmy episode that covers their entire excellence.
Juiette
And so Juliette sings like she is flying high upon the wings of her love for Rayna, wearing what one member of Fug Nation called a sparkly diaper-skirt, which I wish had segued into a specially written song called "Does Your Coma Wear Pampers?"
Crotchy shenanigans
It's not a Juliette Barnes joint if she's not squatting up a storm.
Avery
By the way, Lucky Spencer/Avery is now her guitarist, so he fills the Deacon role of a) shooting Juliette deeply skeptical glances during her shows, and b) coming up after to give her unsolicited snark about her selfishness. Which he does here by pointing out that every photo of Rayna in her special slideshow also included Juliette. She is unmoved, and also thoughtfully tells him that she doesn't think Scarlett loves him. Please let that be true. I am sick of that triangle.
CGI Deacon
Y'all, Young Deacon was way too hopped up on Imaginary Botox to remember proposing to Young Rayna. She's REAL MAD Y'ALL. So she doesn't tell him she's pregnant, and he rampages through the house breaking bottles and stuff. As you do.
CGI Rayna
They barely even bothered CGI'ing poor Tandy, so I'll just leave you with another look at how they did Connie Britton. It's distracting but it's actually also pretty good - but she doesn't look like Young Connie Britton; she just looks like Connie Britton Of Today With Some Blurs On Her Face.
Deacon
Current Deacon doesn't want Scarlett visiting him because he's Bad News. And when she stammers that he's like a father to her, he screams that he's NOT ANYONE'S FATHER DO YOU HEAR MEEEEEEE, and leaves in a snit. He is not in the best mood. I feel like they need to show him detoxing, rather than just being crabby -- like, he's an alcoholic, and he's in jail, so he should probably at least have the shakes.
Douche-o Inferno
Gunnar, meanwhile, is having trouble making out with some rando on the couch because it's Scarlett's couch, and they had sex on it. So she suggests that they burn it. (Luckily, she had a friend move to town that she is staying with, so she's not going to notice until she wonders where all her folksy afghans went.) He and CCC also snap at each other because Gunnar lightly mentions something quasi-supportive about being in the closet, and CCC is really defensive about insisting he's not in anyone's closet, and Gunnar skulks out to go to Scarlett's farewell party at the Bluebird.
Scarlett
Because, yes, Scarlett (and that is her friend behind her) has quit so she can focus on her recording career. Avery is there, and stares at her a lot. She had made a drooly remark about him earlier but then said she needs to stand on her own two feet without a boyfriend, so... we'll see, Scarlett, because you are no Kelly Taylor. Then again, Kelly Taylor was barely Kelly Taylor, either, because Standing On Your Own Two Feet Without A Boyfriend does not make for lusty TV.
Juliette
Meanwhile, Juliette gave all her fans glow sticks and told them to meet her at the hospital and wave them outside in honor of Rayna, while she goes in to say hello. It's another brilliant PR move. She is a delight.
Juliette and Maddie
This does, however, lead to a nice and seemingly sincere scene where Juliette comforts Maddie, and offers to be the shoulder she can cry on, because she understands parental drama and tears. Maddie confides in her that Deacon is probably her father, and that's why this all happened; Juliette gives her a hug, and it's actually a really lovely moment. The thing that's nice about Hayden P is that her character can swing from totally self-involved to genuinely protective and concerned, and you believe all of it, because it all lines up with her past scenes.
Comatastic
Juilette is really shaken when she actually goes to SEE Rayna, but she looks great., and that's what matters. EVERYONE wants to swing into the hospital room of their arch-enemy looking fabulous. She should have worn a cape, but I think she glued it to her other dress and so it wasn't available.
Juliette
J-Dog puts up a shrine to her dead mother and her comatose faux-mentor, and decides to be nice: She calls Scarlett and offers to help with Deacon. The fumes of a thousand lit candles will do that to a girl, assuming they aren't busy lighting the drapes on fire.
Gunnar and Scarlett
Scarlett's better-but-still-dodgy hair sings a song with Gunnar at her farewell bash, and he pants that he agreed to do it for her because he doesn't give up on people he loves. Snore. My jury is out on this show, musically, with the departure of T-Bone Burnett. Avery did a horribly boring ballad earlier, and we spent way too much time with Juliette doing a forgettable ditty of Rayna's, and Gunnar and Scarlett's song was... fine? I can't remember if we'd heard either of them last season, but if they are new, they definitely lacked some of the zip of last season's compositions.
Scarlett
And then Scarlett stumbles into some unfortunate lighting.
Scarlett
Her head looks good, though. She's depressed that Deacon was such a douche to her in the prison, and while he's trying to clean up Deacon's place for him, she says to Juliette -- who has arrived -- that she doesn't know why Deacon fell off the wagon....
Juliette
... and Juliette and her skull shirt are like, "Shit, girl, I am not good with secrets."
Rayna
But then: Miracle of TV MIRACLES! The lead actress on the show wakes up from her coma. And she tells everyone she was driving, so Deacon is released from jail.
Powers Boothe
And then RIGHT as Powers Boothe is daddying her and telling her to ignore the past and look forward, Tandy is finding out that investigators MAY have proof that Powers Boothe was involved in their mother's fatal car accident. So, this is the last shot of the episode, and I know we're supposed to think Powers Boothe (who will always be Powers Boothe) Killed Their Mama, but what I DON'T know is, are we supposed to think Powers Boothe Paid A Truck To Hit Rayna's Car While She Was Arguing With Drunk Deacon, And Put a Forcible End To This Deacon Thing? Because that is... a lot: a lot to manage, a lot left to chance. But if we're NOT supposed to think that, then it's a really abrupt last scene, with him just saying to forget the past and only look ahead. Maybe it's supposed to be enough that Powers Boothe Killed Their Mama, but then again, it would be better if Powers Boothe Failed To Kill Their Mama And She's Actually In A Coma Somewhere Herself And Eventually Waking Up. Cross your fingers.