Braidsville
It will surprise no one that Scarlett totally bombed her media training, and it will surprise no one that she showed UP to said media training looking like she just milked a cow.
Tourville
It will surprise no one that Juliette is promoting her new tour with billboards that have NEUTROGENA stamped all over them, as Hayden P is a spokesperson. She deflects a question about Rayna's rumored ruined voice, and gets zero questions about why she's wearing a bustier that would inspire the polka to write a HuffPo column publicly distancing itself from polka DOTS.
Lameville
It will surprise no one that Rayna is still yapping about her record label, and breaking free from Edgehill, and sticking it to Oliver Hudson, without a) having done anything about it; b) paying any attention to her lone remaining artist, who just went through PR training and yet can't utter two words without looking like she just got flashed by a very large naked man (she's like, "Oh, should I help her?" and Bucky is all, "Nah" -- BOO TO YOU BOTH); and c) I forget what the third thing was.
Broville
It will surprise no one that the show brought on another dude in a cowboy hat, the Rayna Jaymes of men's singers, played by Smash's Will Chase (a.k.a., the actor who played Debra Messing's fling and who then actually became her boyfriend). This is confusing to me because his character name is Luke, but his real name is Will, which is the name of Cowboy Chris Carmack's character on this show, and Luke was CCC's name on The O.C. Couldn't one of them just be named Marvin or something?
Eyelashville
It will surprise no one that Layla Grant is totally flirting with Will (and that she's not happy to see how close Will and Scarlett are) and that she's wearing a casually ugly two-piece outfit that is going to hate itself in the morning. Luke tells Will that Will is going to be the next Luke (follow that?), and I predict right now that Luke ends up hitting on poor ol' Cowboy Chris Carmack, who will have to make Sexuality Decisions.
Backstabville
It will surprise no one that Tandy signs a deal for immunity so that she can't take the hit for Powers Boothe's illegal deeds. One caveat is that she's not allowed to tell anyone, including Rayna, about any of this. Tandy signs it while wearing an awesome ring, so thanks for that, Tandy.
Whoopsville
It will surprise no one that while this is happening, Rayna went to Powers Boothe's power booth and asked him for $20 million to buy out her Edgehill contract and all her music. He says yes, because I guess $20 million is what comes when he shakes out his pants before putting them in the hamper.
Jamville
It will surprise no one that collaborating with Avery gives Gunnar's hair a serious bouffant boner.
Quitsville
It will surprise no one that Deacon is exploring other jobs, because his hand doesn't work, and that he turns out to be really good at shilling expensive guitars.
Huffville
It will surprise no one that Juliet is cranky about something. She went to Oliver Hudson and basically demanded that he give her a male artist to add to her tour, because she wants to cut into Layla Grant's set time. And Oliver is making her play at Luke Wheeler's fundraiser blah blah blah basically Juliette doesn't ever get anywhere without stomping. I AM mildly amused that since Oliver Hudson took over, Juliette wears really skintight dresses to all her meetings, whereas she used to wear suits.
Stoicville
It will surprise no one that Teddy does nothing in this episode except look disapproving. Powers Boothe wants to bury the hatchet and work together, and Teddy tells him to shove off and move his goddamn power booth to another goddamn diner.
SECRETSville
It will surprise no one that Tandy finds out Rayna is planning on using their father's about-to-be-confiscated cash, and says nothing, probably thinking to herself, "Yeah, you know what? You get that hair. Deal with the rest of it." It will ALSO surprise no one that everything is hunky-dory with her kids now -- Tandy's all, "Maddie seems to be doing great," and Rayna's reply is, "Yep," and THAT IS IT -- and that everyone is acting like nothing is happening there. I know in real life people need time to process things, but there is no way we'd have gone this long without Deacon and Maddie spending time together. Especially because THEY ALREADY KNOW EACH OTHER. It's not like she has to Internet-stalk him. She can just PERSON stalk him.
Sabotageville
It will surprise no one that Scarlett can't figure out how to sound proper in public without studying notecards. She's all hung up on not being herself, even though the answers they're giving her are mostly true (harmlessly embellished, like claiming she worked at the Bluebird to be inspired by other songwriters, which probably IS partly true), and she's acting like they're expecting her to go out and tell the world she sang "Stand By Your Man" while she was coming out of the birth canal. Layla tells her that she's super talented, and the girl who beat her on their reality show never wanted to be a singer, either, and just had talent that America connected to, and so she won. Layla rips up the notecards and tells Scarlett to be herself, which is A BAD IDEA YOU GUYS SHE DOESN'T ENUNCIATE AND I BELIEVE HER DNA IS ACTUALLY 30 PERCENT YARN.
Perfunctoryville
It will surprise no one that the scene with these two is fairly quick, although very welcome. Juliette needs a bandleader; Deacon can't play and it hurts too much to be around music without doing so. Juliette mutters that the accident ruined TWO careers, and Deacon flips out because nobody told him that Rayna's voice is gone, because I guess he does not live in the world. We've established that it's all over the gossip rags; does Deacon never go to the supermarket?
Trioville
It will surprise no one that Zoey enters this mix to add female pipes to the song Avery and Gunnar are doing -- which is kicky and good, actually -- and that she and Gunnar end up sleeping together because he wrote the little ditty about her. I would suggest that Zoey is a terrible friend, and she probably is, but I'm not REMOTELY invested in her past with Scarlett and either by accident or by intent they've made it seem like this was her end game all along, so... I have no idea.
Fugville
It surprises no one that Layla is a perky little natural on the red carpet, although her awful lace bustier and belt are a strange addition. What happened to the outfits they were wearing earlier? That looked a little Mildly Religious Holiday Music Special, but it was better than Mildly Trashy Halloween Hayride.
Stammerville
And it will surprise no one that Scarlett tanks her interview -- also in a different dress than before. She mentions that she came to music through her uncle, Deacon, and everyone acts like they had no idea this was the connection even though SURELY this would be in her press materials because everyone loves him and he's hella-famous; either way, since he was just in a car crash with HER ABSENTEE BOSS, RAYNA, YOU JACKHOLE, they would ABSOLUTELY have prepared Scarlett for the next question -- namely, why he was drunk the night of the accident. She flounders and flubs and Oliver Hudson drags her away and tells her to stay on script or leave. She says she wants to be herself, and he kicks her out of there, because he's -- as Clare Bowen said on Twitter -- a douche nozzle.
Grrrville
It DOES surprise Will that Layla appears to enjoy Scarlett's downfall, so later, when she finds out he's joining her and Juliette's tour for sure and then flirts with him, he calls her out on it and stomps off in a cloud of righteous fury. Also, he got on the tour because Former Boyfriend Brent convinced Oliver Hudson to give him a shot even though he screwed up with Gunnar's song, so... that's still in the ether.
HEY THEREville
It surprises Deacon that Rayna thinks her voice is dead, and it surprises me that I really don't care that much because we've only seen her TRY to sing once, and even then, barely, so it's hard to connect with her Deep And Abiding Pain. It does NOT surprise me that Deacon says, "If the girls are here I can leave," because this show is allergic to satisfying emotional payoffs.
Surpriseville!
It surprises Juliette that Rayna shows up at this Luke Wheeler event to invite her into the Opry. She's flabbergasted and touched, and never once thinks to ask Rayna why she couldn't drag her ass out there two hours earlier to walk the red carpet with HER ONLY RECORDING ARTIST on this record label she keeps yapping about but with which she still has done nothing.
Bustedville
It surprises me that Rayna is not capable of being more subtle when Luke makes her sing, and how much her pants make her look like a sparkly circus ringmaster.
Recoveryville
It surprises Rayna that, after emotions get the better of her and the audience sings half her song for her, she relaxes and her voice booms back and everything is fine, and it surprises me that we bothered with that storyline only to have it resolved so fast and without real emotion, and it REALLY surprises me that Rayna is wearing those boots with those pants because it looks like she threw them on to do some therapeutic weeding real fast before the party.
FBIville
It surprises Powers Boothe TREMENDOUSLY when he gets arrested by the FBI for racketeering, while Teddy watches with a smug expression, because Powers Boothe forgot to check himself before he wrecked himself.
Crapville
It surprises Oliver Hudson when Rayna tells him that he can screw off, because she's buying out her entire catalog and leaving Edgehill...
Crappierville
... and it surprises Rayna ten seconds later when she finds out that her father has been arrested for racketeering, thus voiding the trump card she just played.
Ouchville
It surprises Juliette to hear Luke, laughing, tell Rayna he was miffed to let his concert get hijacked by some fly-by-night's Opry invitation. I assume this is because she agrees with me that it makes NO sense for anyone in country music to think she is a flash in the pan, due to the length and resonance of her fame even at this point. Maybe that guy should raise his hat brim and look around some.
Apologyville
It surprises Avery when Juliette comes to apologize for treating him badly. She wants him back in her band, but he wants to record his own stuff, so she hands him the key to her recording studio and issues an open invitation. I like the two of them together, so hooray for that development -- actually, I like him and Gunnar as a duo, too. WHO KNEW.
REVENGEville
And it surprises the HELL out of Tandy when she goes to see Powers, an apology on her lips, and finds out that he thinks Teddy is behind his arrest. And he vows ETERNAL VENGEANCE AND RUINATION on Teddy's mortal soul, which may surprise the grandchildren whom Teddy raised, but whatever. Tandy doesn't point that out. When the power booth is a rockin', don't come a knockin'.