Hayden
We start with Hayden Panettiere doing a photo shoot for her album. It reminds me of the time Alias had the post-Super Bowl slot and the episode opened with Jennifer Garner in lingerie, playing seductive and then kicking terrorist ass. This feels very much like, "Gentlemen, there is something here for you, too. By the cupful."
Hayden
Hayden is still upset that Deacon still won't say yes to being on her tour. Between that repetitiveness and the budding "I don't love you but I'll stay married to you" storyline, it's starting to feel like Passions up in here. We'll KNOW it's Covert Passions if in four weeks she's still having this conversation and then her house gets sucked into Hell and then Theresa starts to cry and a hermaphrodite gets impregnated by his/her own father. (Yes. That happened.)
Tami and Teddy
Y'all, between Teddy sucking at business and Tami's weak album and their giant house, this family is broke. Powers Boothe sends them a check for half-a-million to help out, but it comes with strings -- like that Tami can't tour or work, and she has to be barefoot in the kitchen makin' grits and feeding beer to her man, so basically, he earns the bread and she gets to make casseroles with it. Naturally Tami is grossed out by this. Also, Tami is secretly relieved she thought to put on very sensible thinking clothes for this meeting about how broke she is. And Teddy is like, "Man, it's so cool how we all drank our iced tea down to the exact same level. Is it recess yet?"
Teddy
"So, yeah.... I'm going to need you to go ahead and give me a loan against the house, okay, because apparently running for mayor is expensive and I have to buy a bunch of new ties and some lighter fluid for my, um, barbecue. Yeah."
Dude at Bank
"Yeah, that's not going to happen without a lot of paperwork and stuff that digs out the skeletons in your Financial History closet and then makes them dance on your fiscal grave. Cool?"
Teddy
"UNCOOL, man."
Scarlett and Gunnar
Let's just save everyone a lot of time here: Scarlett continues to be a total mope, and they keep dressing her like a '90s Limited Express refugee so that we all know she is quaint and Hayden Panettiere is her opposite. She totally tanks the recording session because she's nervous and has no spine and her boyfriend is more important to her than her own independence and blah blah blah can you tell I'm not fond of how this character is drawn?
Lucky
So Gunnar tells Lucky that she's blowing it, and Lucky then mans up and gives her a speech about how it's really about allowing yourself to be a vessel for the music, because that job is bigger than... do we really believe that speech would come from this character? But at least he's not being a cookie-cutter douchebag. Although he does accept a smarmy introduction to Watty White, their mega-producer, so maybe he's out for a piggyback ride.
Gunnar and Scarlett
And so the two of them sing another sultry duet in each other's faces, while she courteously shoots a couple glances at Lucky and Gunnar looks sad because he wants the chance to run his fingers through her hair -- or more accurately, run his fingers halfway down her hair and then they'll get stuck in the gnarls and he'll have to cut one of them out, but at least they can do that while they're naked if they want.
Hayden
Whoops! Meth Mama has located Hayden's place of work -- I'm surprised it took this long; even crack addicts understand the Internet -- and shows up wanting money. Hayden makes her manager handle it and then... leaves without him. That guy should quit.
Hayden
Hayden recovers from her close encounter with the birth canal the way anyone would: in macrame.
Hayden
"Dammit, y'all, why isn't Pocket Planes synching between my iPad and my phone? HOW CAN I LIVE LIKE THIS."
Tami
"Y'all, I can't even deal with discussing my tour with Deacon because if we spend six months panting love songs at each other, my G-spot might explode."
Tami
I really thought this was going to be a scene about Tami selling all her old clothes on eBay to make scratch. But instead she's trying to get dressed for her kids' talent show, which is hilarious given that many of these items I do not believe for a second she would ever put on her body.
Tami's Adorable Kids
However, this is a totally cute idea for a scene, because you know in real life those kids would be doing exactly this: trying on all mom's clothes and maybe jumping on the bed.
Tami
"Whaaaaaat, y'all? We're adding a new backstory where my mama had an affair with a COUNTRY MUSICIAN? And she kept on with him for AGES because he fulfilled the half of her soul that Powers Boothe could not? This is, like, so shocking, y'all, and so CONVENIENTLY allegorical, I can't EVEN! Next, y'all will be telling me my daddy still uses corded phones!"
Powers Boothe
"NUH-UH!!!"
[Actually, I should note here that we went corded, too, after our cordless phones' frequencies were screwing with our house WiFi and our baby monitors and such. And when I bought the corded phone, with answering machine, and set it up, the damn thing's default date was November 2000. EVEN THE PHONE was trying to tell me we were going backward.]
Tami
So Tami puts on some glad rags and goes to make peace with Powers Boothe over his Hidden Pain, but instead he makes her feel terrible so she storms out again. So what I'm saying is, APPARENTLY, and this may shock you, Powers Boothe is some kind of asshat. I KNOW. Just did not see that coming at all.
Hayden
Hayden is still cranky that Deacon isn't on her tour, so she drags him out to record their co-written song, and he goes, because he can't have sex with Tami so he might as well have sex with a girl old enough to be their daughter.
Hayden and Deacon
This is what we in the Lady Business call "a bad sign": when the guy in your bed spends his afterglow period gazing morosely at the ceiling.
Hayden and Deacon
Undaunted, Hayden flashes her brightest smiles and tries to charm Deacon into saying yes, by pointing out that he needs to Move On and that they can have a fun fresh start and "write songs" (read: get naked). I like Deacon, but his response more or less adds up to, "Well, meaningless sex IS tempting," and when you're an emotionally vulnerable child, hearing this response and not flagging it is what the Lady Business industry would call ANOTHER BAD SIGN. Hayden needs more CEOs of Lady Business in her life.
Hayden and Meth Mama
Then, of course, the biological CEO of her Lady Business shows up at her house. Hayden tosses her out on her ass and cries about it, because her mother is a junkie. Seriously? We knew this already. There is no advancement here. They're just working overtime to be like, "SEE? REMEMBER! She's HURT and DAMAGED! And her security team is REALLY NOT GOOD!"
Hayden
So Hayden gets into her editing blouse and tries to drown her sorrows in work. But guess who still hasn't said yes to her? Deacon. Her magical sex parts did not work.
Tami
Deacon, instead, is across town having a conversation with Tami. I thought she was going to go to Hayden to accept co-billing on her tour and catch his morning-after departure, but no. They just meet at a park and cry at each other and she basically -- I think -- admits to feeling responsible for feeling like she could break everyone's hearts: his, Teddy's, her girls'. This is TOTALLY the "I want you so badly but once we start we are not going to stop and I am so not ready for an Us Weekly cover" face.
Tami
And Tami sees grateful that she's wearing cute wedges that are impractical for chasing after your one true love and flipping him over and going all country strong on his BULL TRUE. So to speak.
Powers Boothe
"GRRR," says Powers Boothe.
Powers Boothe
He's looking at photos of Tami and her mother. I wonder if we're heading down the path of her being the lover's child. And that lover... is WATTY WHITE, her mentor. Maybe. I'm guessing here.
Hayden
Apparently Hayden's mother went and got rowdy at a bus station, so her people have decided she has to live with Hayden if she's going to behave. This feels like somebody's rejected shitcom premise. Oops, I mean sitcom. But hopefully it will ALSO lead to some campy drama and lots of hissed arguments through clenched lips.
Hayden
But first, Hayden and her editing blouse go out to the snack aisle at her local market, where she stocks up on best friends.
Girls
AND she stocks up on enemies, because these girls were photographing her for their Twitter feeds when she decided to shoplift a bottle of nail polish. Except she a) saw them there, and b) did it with the hand that was facing them, rather than the one her body was shielding from them. So either she's unclear on how eyesight works, or she wanted to get caught. We shall see. REVENGE! ... Oh, wait, wrong show.