Hayden
As part of her PR penance for shoplifting, Hayden is required to do a photo-op for a zoo fundraiser that's the pet project of a fancy young NFL quarterback. Maybe Hayden's flak should spend more time looking at Hayden's face than swooning, because seriously, anyone with a camera who looks over at her would be snapping photos of her bad attitude. These people need to learn that when you're OUTSIDE, in FULL VIEW, there is no such thing as off-stage. But the fact that they put her into a twinset is hilarious. Take off the cardigan and that's actually quite cute. Not that it's heinous with it on, but please. The world knows Hayden doesn't cardigan. You can't make her Mr. Rogers overnight.
Hayden and Tebow
Oh, don't be sad, Hayden, it just wants a little snuggle.
Tami
Tami continues to look harmlessly, casually great as she celebrates her new track. The record company signs off on her picking a new producer -- after all, when it comes to Hayden, Randy turned out to be aptly named -- and she decides to go for somebody totally hip. I love this. It'd be like Faith Hill saying, "You know who I need? That Pharrell guy."
Powers Boothe
Teddy is supposed to join forces with Coleman to sign a pledge that neither will go negative in this campaign. But Powers Boothe wants to lobby one last salvo while he can, so he gets Teddy to agree that they can use their dirty cops to delay Coleman just long enough that it appears he is blowing off the pledge signing. Teddy is all, "YOU BIG MEANIES," but Powers Boothe points out that GRRR and RROWR and SNARLLLL and so Teddy agrees that perhaps a mild, gentle traffic stop would be just fine.
Scarlett
Raggedy Ann is helping Lucky Spencer load up his car to go to a gig. This doesn't explain why there is weightlifting equipment on the lawn, although I suspect the giant backseat over there came out of Lucky's truck so he could fit their equipment. I don't know. I actually buy that these people would have all that crap, but the thing is, they also have A TON of stuff INSIDE their house and I'm not sure I believe the two of them OWN this much.
Cougar
This lady is watching Lucky Spencer's gig and going into heat. He's performing in the hopes of getting an opening spot for the Lumineers (whom I love, so it's nice for them that they got name-checked about a hundred times in this hour); she is a talent manager who decides Lucky must be well-hung they're really great and that she wants to bone sign him.
Hayden
And by contrast, here is Hayden's new digs. Maybe it's just me, but does anyone want their pool in the front of their house? Or in the same spot as the driveway? This is a girl who used to live in a gated community, and now if you're just driving by you can get a shot of her Tebowing in the shallow end. Maybe there is a barbed fence somewhere? And hopefully some roll-away shades, or else at night you're going to be able to tell what she's eating for dinner from twenty miles away. It's a very... cold home, to me.
Hayden
Of course, perhaps Hayden has no issues with privacy. She's taking a dip to avoid her people. The photo of her with the aggressive snugglemonkey went viral on the Internet, and her peeps have decided that a photo of her with the OTHER snugglemonkey would ALSO go viral, so they arrange a date. Hayden is bored by this prospect, but agrees out of sheer frustration, which is the perfect excuse to have her rip off her clothes and preen in a bikini for the TV cameras.
Hayden and Tebow
So these two go on a breakfast date/photo-op. Or perhaps it's the saucier brunch. This is where we learn he's Super Tebow: He's having a rough rookie season, he is very disciplined, he goes to bed on time and stuff, and he's basically a Boy Scout. Again, has anyone informed Hayden that they are sitting next to a window, and that windows are see-through? This is the worst-ever fake date because she's looking at him like he's reciting Ivanhoe. No one will buy this. Even Selena Gomez managed to look captivated by The Biebs, and he spent one of their public outings waving around a snake and snort-laughing like Beavis. Oh, except that was Twoo Wuv. Sorry.
Lucky
Lucky drops by Deacon's house with a casserole -- as you do -- and asks him whether Cougar Town is a legit manager. Deacon tells him yes, but warns him off of her heartily and says he'll put in a good word with the Lumineers dude. There's some blah-blah about whether Deacon has ever liked Lucky, and he says he likes him fine even though he probably doesn't because he's Team Gunnar, but whatever. Of all the relationships on this show, Lucky and Deacon is last on the list.
Tami
Tami has decided she wants hipper-than-thou producer Liam McGuinness to produce her album, so she puts on her shit-kickin' heels and goes to his shanty by the docks, or whatever, and he basically shuts the door in her face even though she has the greatest hair in town. At the VERY least he should've invited her in to discuss her regimen.
Tami
So Tami shows up the next day in torn jeans and regular fightin' boots and convinces Liam that she's super cool and that she listens to his music, and so do her kids as she drives them around in her giant SUV -- all words chosen to prove to him that the Minivan Majority can still be bangin'. As someone who will probably end up having to own a minivan someday, I am relieved to hear it. Liam decides he likes the cut of her jib, and invites her inside, where they start discussing her album over shots of whiskey.
Coleman
The cops stop Coleman for speeding, or running a stop sign, or failing to come to a complete halt, or other such charges. Coleman makes the really dumb mistake of being like, "I'm late for a campaign event DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM," and if the cops weren't on Team Boothe already then they certainly would be by now. So they haul his ass out of the car, and lo, they find pills in his glove box -- pills that he had confiscated from Deacon last week. Oh, Coleman. When you have something to hide, you smile and play along and give them NO REASONS to search your car. Isn't that the first lesson of politics?
Peggy
So Peggy sits in the crowd and beams up at her former and potentially future lover as Teddy makes a charming joke about Coleman's tardyness and then signs the non-negativity pledge and everyone in the room gets hot for him.
Hayden and Tebow
Hayden decides that goody-Tebow-shoes needs to have a little fun, so she whisks him away on her plane. (Please note: I have no problem with Tim Tebow; it's just that he so clearly seems to be the basis for this character -- I mean, MAYBE you could argue that he's Andrew Luck, since this guy actually plays, but we already have a Lucky and that would be hella confusing.) On board, she finds out that Tebow both doesn't drink, and knows all the words to her song "Black Mascara Tears," and can play it acoustically on a guitar. I like to imagine John Mayer wooing Taylor Swift EXACTLY the same way.
Powers Boothe
Powers grrrs that he had nothing to do with the pills being found in Coleman's car, and that it was just a merry added bonus. I really wish he and Ioan Gruffudd were in a show together. CAN YOU IMAGINE. The clenched jaws alone.
Lucky
Sadly for Lucky, Deacon's good word doesn't GET him the Lumineers gig, so he goes back to Cougar Town and asks about leasing property there. She tells him to come by her place that night, and after a moment of hesitation, he decides to pay the rent. She is SO tying his ass to the train tracks later.
Tami
Teddy waves coffee under Tami's nose -- seems she was out until the wee hours with producer Liam. She's all WHAAAT HAAAAPPENED?!? Later she goes to Liam's house and he is all, "It was amaaaaazing, unbridled... AND YOU TOOK A CAB HOME," or something, so we know Tami is not a jackhole DUI artist.
Tami
And between you and me, when he said it was AMAAAAAZING, I was hoping for a depraved bacchanal. Instead, Tami just... got drunk and sang really hard and occasionally leaned over the mic stand. And Liam said it was fierce and fresh and so he's going to do her album and everyone is happy. Except for Tami, who now has a raging hangover.
Teddy
Anyhoo, back in Tami's boudoir, Teddy turns up Coleman's news conference, where we hear him admit he's a billion years sober and that the confiscated pills belonged to a friend, and that he'd be happy to take the test to prove i. Tami is furious and thinks this reeks of Powers Boothe; Teddy swears not. I wonder what Powers Boothe does reek of; I imagine... cigars and Brut and butterscotch.
Hayden
Here's what we missed in the dark and boring nightclub shots: Hayden apparently had a sparkly bustier top stashed away on her jet, so she could change into it for their clubbing escapade. That's some forethought right there. Although if you're rich enough to have a plane, you're rich enough to have an emergency wardrobe on it. Ayway, Tebow didn't drink, Hayden tried to make him dance, and then when they left a paparazzo harassed her and Tebow stood up for her and punched the guy; the photog, of course, got a great picture of the whole thing.
Tebow
Oh, Tebow. Unsportsmanlike conduct is an automatic first down for the enemy, bro.
Deacon
Deacon tells Cougar Town to step off Lucky Spencer, and she makes fun of him for being a Tami Taylor hanger-on who could've been huge, if he'd just been willing to be huge with HER, in her bedroom. I really wish we weren't dipping into the Horny Ol' Hobag well with this lady, but whatever. Again, she is sketched in only one shade. Of pencil. Gunnar overhears this whole exchange, by the way, and files it away under Things To Tell Scarlett When I Need To Worry About The Purity Of Her Netherlands.
Lucky and Cougar Town
Yep, that's how THIS is going. Except Lucky gets up and decides he can't go through with it, because he has a marble-mouthed girlfriend at home.
Gunnar
Gunnar tells Scarlett that Deacon told Cougar Town to buzz off, so she runs around accusing Deacon of sabotage, until he finally levels with her that if Lucky signs with Cougar Town then it means they're sleeping together. This distresses Scarlett, because she knows Lucky is already over at her house, and so she goes about wondering if all her sweater sets are to blame.
Scarlett and Lucky
When Lucky goes home, Scarlett is packing to leave his ass. Good for you, Scarlett. Even when he tries to wriggle out of it by saying he didn't go through with anything, she smartly says it doesn't matter because he went over there knowing full well what the bargain was. YAY. This relationship is excruciating if she's a doormat. Well done, girl. Now be single for a while.
Lucky
At least Lucky gets some nice tearful-anger scenes for his reel. And I'm sure we haven't seen the last of him. I expect a mournful Scarlett will see him, all spiffed up, on the arm of Cougar Town at an event at which Cougar Town sticks her tongue in his ear or something.
Hayden
Hayden pays off the paparazzo so he won't circulate the Tebow pic, in exchange for $250k and some exclusives. He's thrilled, she's thrilled, and her hair looks really cute. Okay. Can we get back to some Diva vs. Diva now?
Coleman
Turns out the man running around taking pictures of Teddy and Peggy -- he got another one of her fawning over him at the pledge-signing -- is on Coleman's payroll. The photos look incriminating even though we know all those moments were innocent; Coleman is worried what this will do to Tami and her family. Coleman's wife hilariously is like, "THEY SUCK. GO GET HIM." I might love her.
Tebow
Okay, so Tebow wanders up to Hayden's door. Why is this so easy? And isn't it awfully un-private for a celeb to have GIANT WINDOWS next to your front door so that if you're home watching TV and, like, a dude selling magazine subscriptions wanders up, you can't pretend you're in the bathroom.
Anyway, Tebow thanks Hayden for spending all that money to save his image and then suggests she come over to his place to watch a movie sometime. In most people's parlance, that means, "Let's have sex on my couch," but with this guy, it might ACTUALLY mean, "Let's watch a movie sometime."
cut
"Teehee," Hayden thinks. "
Tami
Tami plays her Liam-produced song for the record company, and the dude seems okay with it until he finds out who did it. Then he turns cold and says she can't do it. Tami is basically like, "F you people, let me do this or I will take my business elsewhere," and he storms out, and they're at a stalemate. I think. Tami's storylines are a little bit dull. They're trying SO aggressively to make her a rootable character that they won't have her take a single step wrong, but what they're forgetting is that with an eminently rootable ACTRESS in this role, the character will be rootable almost no matter what, so they can let her be a little more complicated and less angelic.
Scarlett
Scarlett moves in with a sympathetic Deacon; putting these two together is good for both of them, especially if it gives Deacon more to do, as he was the breakout for me on this show. I also find it hilarious that Scarlett, who is styled to come off as aggressively unconcerned with her image, would own one of those perfectly perfect vintage suitcases that is in mint condition and looks like she ordered it out of, say, a Restoration Hardware catalog because she was having A Moment and she saw it sitting next to a couch overflowing with throws. I'm almost surprised she didn't go over there with a carpet bag and a guitar case like Fraulein Maria.
Cougar Town
And Cougar Town, whose name is Marilyn if you're worried, opens her door and sees Lucky Spencer there, and displays zero sense of pride by letting him inside to continue where they left off. Music is a sleazy biz, though. I do kind of wish the show had been soapy enough to make Marilyn a dude -- not a Secret Dude, mind; just an actual dude, named Marty or whatever. Although Secret Dude would be even better. Surprise, Lucky! There is a gift with purchase!