Tami
We pick up right after Tami and Hayden sang their hit duet, which IS good, and I might end up buying the whole soundtrack on iTunes. Shh. Don't tell. It will ruin my reputation as Nothing But A Hater. Other things I do not hate: that dress on Tami. Sure, the boobs are a little Madonna pointy, but she looks fantastic in it. This woman can WEAR a DRESS.
Tami
AND THE HAIR MY GOD THE HAIR.
Bummer
Alas, the euphoria is short-lived: Teddy takes Tami back to their mango-appointed bedroom and breaks the news to her that falsely incriminating photos of him and Peggy are about to be released. She believes him, presumably because it seems super unlikely that he would a) have the nads to cheat on his super famous wife, and b) cheat on her, period, because she is so fabulous and if you have put a ring on that creature you MAKE IT WORK.
Hayden
Hayden, meanwhile, is being inundated with niceties because of the performance, which is already a whopping hit. This song that they wrote overnight is singlehandedly keeping the cellophane industry in in business.
Hayden
Oh, hey, is that Pete's Deli calling with my takeout? Or Bob's Pizza? Aw, dang, no, it's Mom's Rehab. I hate that place. The garlic bread is soggy.
Tebow
Tebow, meanwhile, runs over to give her a kiss. No really. He does. Apparently, not having sex with her is making him faster than ever, which he knows because his father is pacing him in his car. Cue honking; he leaves but invites her to church with the fam later. Jeepers, how early is it? There is no way Hayden would be out of bed and showered and stuff before 11 a.m. is there?
Oh yeah, who doesn't have one of these?
i've seen this in the aerials, so I googled it: Apparently it was the pool of a former country legend, Webb Pierce, whose estate was converted into a motel at one point, but now it is on the grounds of a boring boxy condo complex (locals: confirm or deny!). Here, they seem to want us to think it's at either the estate of a famous bandleader, or his hotel. If you do a Google Earth search, you can see that grassy areas are indeed real, but apparently it's all built up behind where the camera is.
Job interview
So, Deacon sits down with this megafamous band, the leader of whom was on the same track as Deacon in The Olden Days before he drank himself into oblivion and yoked himself to Tami and whatnot. The dude says they need Deacon to join the band for two years, maybe more, and it's because they need a guitar player who is as sober as they are. Yep, they're drinking sodas. Deacon probably wishes they instead had told him how talented he is and how lucky they are that someone of his caliber is available, but we can't have everything we want.
Scarlett
Scarlett is all squirrelly about her big "Ring of Fire" moment, which I hated, but I guess everyone else still thinks was great. Hailey, Gunnar's jealous girlfriend, tells her that a friend of hers needs a lead singer for their band and writes the number on a coffee filter. Scarlett squints at it as if it's written in hieroglyphics. Later, she's having trouble focusing on songwriting, tells Gunnar about the bnd audition, and then blows it off by insisting limply that she's "not a performer," despite most evidence to the contrary. Modesty is one thing, but this girl has zero self-opinion and it's exhausting. I can't hold you up, child. I'm not strong enough.
Peggy
Peggy shows up all frizzy and stringy and wild-eyed at Teddy's office because her husband is furious with her, and Teddy basically tells her that she needs to buzz off because it's bad for business. She's all, "Whatever shall I do? Wherever shall I go?" and he basically says, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," except he gets to drive off with squealing tires.
Clan Tebow
Hayden puts on a really cute dress and a really ropy Blake Lively braid, and makes nice with Tebow's family -- including his choir girl sister, Dana, played by the girl who was Sophia on The Walking Dead. Her face says, "Yay, you are my idol," and the parents' faces say, "Dammit, she's famous, so we can't murder her without people noticing."
Hayden
Dana invites Hayden to sing with her choir, and so of course Hayden knows something appropriately churchy that they can throw together at the last minute. She looks great, she sounds fine, and she glows with saintly image rehabilitation, but I have a hard time believing we wouldn't cut to the opposing view and see a thousand cell phone cameras.
Tebow
This is the face of a man who's going to put his whole virginity in her hand.
Lucky and Scarlett
Just so we think he's still a nice guy, Lucky pops by Scarlett's place with a bottle of champagne they swore they'd open when he made it big. He realizes they should've opened it when she got her deal, and hands it off to her, and then... leaves. So I guess when they're thrown back together later, we won't loathe him as much?
The pics
So, a site named DMZ -- har, har -- puts up the innocent, lame, G-rated photos of Teddy and Peggy's former affair. Tami is livid (including at Coleman, who gets the full force of her disgust), and Teddy is ineffectual, and the apostrophe up top there in "Kenter's" laughs and laughs and laughs because it knows it's supposed to be hanging out there after the S and thinks it has pulled the wool over our eyes. NOT SO, ROGUE.
Gunnar and Hailey
Gunnar rails at Hailey for hooking up his songwriting partner with another band, and she tells him to take his wang and stick it someplace else because she's tired of being second choice.
Scarlett
So Gunnar obliges, lustily loping over to Scarlett and close-talking to her about how awesome she is, and the two of them get moony-eyed for a second and experience the scents of whatever each of them has eaten that day...
Scarlett and Gunnar
... and BANG, they make out. She eventually pushes away and acts terrified of herself, the way she does with everything, and Gunnar hotly insists he's been wanting to do that forever. But Scarlett flees. She loves to flee. She is a fleebag. She was a huge fan of Flea until she realized how he spelled his name.
Peggy
Peggy is not having as good a day. Tami had gone over there to talk, and discovered that the poor love's husband came home and found that she's tried to kill herself. Oh, Peggy. These are the acts of a guilty lady. YOU'RE NOT GUILTY. (Or are you? TEDDY???).
Teddy
Tami agrees with me, so she presses Teddy one more time, and he admits the depths of his financial treachery. Tami is suitably appalled, and sadly for Teddy, not even a little turned-on that he's secretly a rogue.
Hayden
Hayden has had a glorious post-Church dinner with the Tebows, so naturally, Mama Tebow corners her privately and hisses that she's the trashy shoplifting spawn of a drug addict and that their family will never happen for her. Hayden is very upset that is being treated like some kind of criminal who doesn't even care enough to match her eyeliner to her dress.
Scarlett
Gunnar hops up on stage at the Bluebird to sing whatever he and Scarlett are working on; she declines and skulks around the club dragging her lower lip on the floor.
Tami
Tami is furious that Tandy knew about Teddy's financial scam and didn't tell her. I am beginning to see why Tandy and Teddy could never be. What would their portmanteau be? Swapping syllables just gives you their names all over again. The best you can switch it to is "Taddy" or "Tendy," and those are terrible.
Hayden
Deacon stops by, interrupting Hayden's studious attempts to match her pants to her house. She encourages him to take the job with the band, then balks angrily when he gives her a letter from her mother and reveals he has been visiting her. Because she is full of good decisions, she chucks him out after telling him that he's pathetic for even having to pause to consider taking that other gig. Poor Deacon. Why aren't they using him more? If they write him out I will be terribly sad, because he and Connie Britton had some SERIOUS vibe.
Scarlett
Scarlett sniffles to Gunnar that they should try writing solo for a while because she has no emotional maturity (maybe I'm paraphrasing). Wouldn't their employers have a beef with that? Weren't they hired as a matched set? You can't be a pair of salt and pepper shakers and then just suddenly decide you want to go it alone. You have to wait for someone to lose one of you. Speaking of which...
Team Evil
To the surprise of no one, Wyclef lures Lucky to a private plane and tells him -- with Cougar Town's help -- that they want him and only him. Lucky is sad because he's been with his band since they were teens, and appears conflicted. We'll see, Lucky. WE'LL SEE.
Tami and Deacon
These two do another one of their outdoor meetings, so that the fresh breeze can blow their lust elsewhere, and have another one of their non-conversations that ends in them taking another baby step apart by saying they've each gotta do what they've gotta do. it's another reason why the mayoral subplot needs to go -- there is no room for Tami and Deacon anymore.
T and T Music Factory
So Teddy gives his big apology press conference about how the photos mean nothing, and Tami shows up halfway through and he cedes the podium so she can vouch for his fidelity. This is where the Us Weekly body language experts would be studying pictures and announcing that Tami hates her life.
Deacon
Deacon toasts with his new band -- with water, of course. DON'T LEAVE US DEACON. I mean, there's no way Scarlett is mentally capable of living in your house by herself. She'd hear a cricket and go cower in the corner.
Hayden
And Hayden, dear Hayden: She lights a jillion candles around her swimming pool and invites Tebow over, and strokes his face and tells him that she had a nice heart to heart with his mother, and then... proposes. And it's been, what, two weeks? Three? Man, he'd BETTER put a ring on it or else people are going to wonder about the health of her eggs.
I kind of love it, though. Hayden doesn't really need more people in her live with whom to have terse, tight-lipped, fake-smiley conversations, but maybe the presence of Mrs. Tebow would lead to her relaxing around Tami and that could be interesting. Or she'll deflower him early and then it will ruin his life AND they won't get hitched. Either way, the important thing to note is that Tebow is going to have THE NIGHT OF HIS LIFE soon.