Hayden and Tebow
So yeah, Hayden and Tebow did run off and get married after her proposal, and yes, they didn't even make it through the entire limo ride before he, er, completed his first pass. And of course, he's all dreamy about the marriage and she's just relieved they're having sex. Poor Tebow. All those years of ball control, out the car window.
Scarlett and Gunnar
By contrast, these two are staying a room's width apart at all times. They're squabbling and can't write together because Gunnar kissed her and she pushed him away and nobody's talking about Bootius Interruptus.
Lucky
And Wyclef is still telling Lucky to get rid of his band, because he's the star, THE STAR, he's gonna be BIG, he is so precious to them, etc.
Deacon
The rock-and-roll doucheholes that Deacon is touring with are all jealous that this hot lady reporter -- with whom he shares A Past -- is trying to mount Deacon again instead of any of them. The lead singer of the band keeps jerking Deacon around about whether he's too boring with his solos, or too selfish and flashy. Poor Deacon. The man just wants to make an honest living somewhere that has plenty of mirrors and windows he can stare into/out of while wondering what Tami is doing. Is that so much to ask?!?
Tami
Tami continues to look casually great as she waits for a late Hayden, who bursts in and announces her marriage to a lot of amused raised eyebrows. Then, after some mutual sniping about their various life problems, Tami essentially tells Hayden to pull her shit together because they both need this tour to work. HURRY UP AND GET HERE, TOUR. I don't know why I am relying on this thing so much for spice, but... surely there will be a lot of outfits. I need stuff to DISCUSS, people.
Hayden and Tebow
Tebow's parents are furious that he's married, but his prim mother insists that they need to honor this decision... with a church wedding. Immediately. Before the tour. Hey, how about Saturday? Hayden's face says it all: She has booty called the wrong number.
Hayden
I can't wait until the episode where Tami Taylor makes Hayden perform her entire act in slacks.
Teddy
Poor Sad Teddy. He doesn't want Tami to go on tour. But she is INSISTING, and she wants to take the girls with her. In the middle of his campaign. One would think that might lighten his load, but Teddy is pretty sure this means their marriage is ending. He's probably right. He should go sin somewhere.
Deacon
Speaking of sinning, that's totally what Deacon and Hot Lady Reporter are about to do. She wants to interview him and he keeps insisting he's not into it, and not interesting enough, but she insists. This leads to: a) a cover story in a national music magazine all about how he's too good to be a backup guitar player (which is kind of a reach for a cover piece, but whatever), and b) lots and lots of sex.
Lucky's band
Predictably, Lucky's band of childhood friends wants to punch him in the throat when they find out he cut them out of the record deal. Lucky actually seemed to think they could play one last show together and part politely, but when he realizes he's been invited to a knuckle sandwich buffet, he leaves.
Hayden and the mama-in-law
I am only bothering with this -- the "Mama Tebow hates Hayden and Hayden has no real friends or family" scene -- because that room is AWESOME.
Tandy and Powers Boothe
Tami arrives home to see that her father and sister are waiting for her, and Powers wastes no time threatening to expose her older child's true parentage if Tami takes them away on tour, or indeed, goes on tour at all. Tami is really not amused by their shenanigans, especially because we're nine episodes in and everybody is behaving exactly the same way they did in the pilot.
Scarlett and Lucky
Including these two, who can't seem to keep their hands off each other. Lucky stopped by to pick up his stuff, but couldn't resist the wanton seduction of her cable-knit cardigan.
Post-coitus
And of course once they finish, Scarlett learns that he is ditching the band and going solo, and throws him out. Apparently, in throwing off the sensible cardigan, she also threw off the chains of her meekness. But it looked like a comfortable sweater so I hope she didn't lose it or get too much sex all over it.
Deacon and the band
Lordy. Deacon, get out of there. Look what a nutparrot they've turned you into.
Hayden and Mama
Hayden's sober mother is not that stoked about the engagement. She points out that they both have the same holes in their lives, and a snap marriage won't fix it. I would argue that the hole in Mama Hayden's life is more drug-shaped than the one in Hayden's, but whatever. I guess I see her point. And with apologies to the actress, the problem here is casting. She might be a really nice lady, and she worked when we thought Hayden's mother was never going to do much besides smear her eye makeup and drink. But now that she's getting better and then probably relapsing or whatever, I think the show needs a heavier hitter who can break our hearts AND Hayden's at the same time. Anyway, Hayden stalks off, pissed that her mother isn't happy for her, and also annoyed because it's true that she's trying to create an instant family to make up for the one she doesn't have. And/or she's just jumped through the world's largest hoop just to get Tebowed.
Tami and Teddy
Tami interrupts Powers and Teddy to inform her husband of Powers' threats. Turns out Teddy KNOWS that the oldest girl isn't biologically his, but doesn't care and loves her anyway, because Teddy is freaking decent. Dammit man, don't make me root for you NOW. He also full-on lets Powers Boothe HAVE IT and it's quite hot. Teddy With A Spine is nice. Now we just need Teddy With A Randy Sexual Appetite or something.
Powers Boothe
Powers Boothe does not approve of spines.
Scarlett
Lucky's band invites Scarlett to perform their last gig with them, since she knows all the songs. She does, and she kicks ass -- well, you know, sort of; I think her voice is uniquely suited to the slow-burn country noir ballads she and Gunnar churn out, but she gets up there and tries to get all aggressive and the crowd likes it so much that nobody seems to care that Lucky Spencer is not there to front the Lucky Spencer Band.
Lucky
This displeases the court. Especially as Lucky is in the middle of getting David Silver'd by Wyclef. See, Wyclef insists the fresh twist they're putting on Lucky's song -- the same one Scarlett just sang to acclaim -- is killer, but Lucky doesn't like it. He's not feeling very precious to anyone, and has lost everyone who is precious to him. Please someone give him a synthesizer.
Hayden and Tebow
"Hey, let's take the plane and go away somewhere," Hayden says. "Oh, ha ha ha, you're so adorable," Tebow replies. Kiddo, if the play your new bride is calling is the old Lets Run Away gambit, then you need to read that signal and adjust your defense. Instead, Tebow is super excited to snuggle up and watch game film on his iPad. Hayden is super excited to think crabby thoughts and write songs about how slant routes aren't something she cares about, and tight ends drive her 'round the bend, and she hates your stupid blockers, you boring motherfocker.
Tami
"Hi, Teddy. We both know our marriage sucks. So let's split custody of the kids while we do our own thing, and we'll just see what happens. I love you... question mark. Translation: Get your fill of my hair now."
Hayden
On her wedding morning, Hayden looks so happy. And actually quite pretty and tasteful, which is extremely disappointing.
Gunnar
I think this is a scene from a horror movie.
Scarlett
Yep. Horror movie.
Oh, Scarlett, I tease. She actually decides she wants to keep plugging away with Gunnar because she loves their partnership, and the two of them make up without discussing any of the larger issues so that they can continue to have consequence-free vocal sex. I hope she doesn't get vocal pregnant.
Tami
Tami says a sad goodbye to the kids, and hugs Teddy in a way that suggests they both realize what this probably means. It's almost sad, except that they made Teddy so dull.
Deacon
Deacon can't stop thinking about Tami's tour with Hayden, so he gazes at things and seems so very sad. Lady Reporter lies naked in bed behind him, pretending to sleep but really plotting to MURDER TAMI IN A JEALOUS RAGE. Probably. Maybe.
Hayden
And Hayden has her limo driver take her to her private plane. Poor Tebow. He's about to get hardcore sacked by the Lamarr Woodley of emotional linebackers.