Blouseville
We open with a walk-and-talk, in which Rayna and Bucky explain to us that her single opened poorly because radio stations in Nashville hate Juliette Barnes being on her label, and so everyone's being super petty. Is country music as a universe really that unforgiving now? I'm asking. The bright side is that Rayna hasn't let it dent her blouse game.
Plaitville
Nor has it affected Scarlett's braid game, although let's face it, she is already a benchwarmer on the pee-wee league Braid Game team, where everyone gets a trophy just for coming and are otherwise free to ignore the rules and wet themselves.
Skullville
They're really making sure Juliette is presented as the naughty girl -- this is at least the third time, if not more, they've put her in something with a skull pattern on it, AND this one is devil-red, to boot. Rayna surfs over to Team H65 on a wave of ill-earned authority and tells them all to just Do Their Best to try and overcome the fact that Juliette ruined it for everyone. Juliette says she shelled out $500k of her own money to promote her tour, so she's PRETTY sure she's done everything she can and it isn't her fault that H65 is the worst-run company in the world. Those are my words. But the point is valid. Yes, Juliette's impatience screwed things up, but Rayna has no money with which to do ANYTHING, which seems problematic for a company that just got started.
Dadville
Teddy finds out that Maddie lied about going to a friend's house to do homework, so that she could take a music lesson with Deacon. He figures this out because the lie she uses is about a history test he knows she had last week, but her sitter somehow doesn't know this. I don't know if that makes him an exceptionally on-point parent, or her an exceptionally off-point sitter, or, and this might be it, Maddie could just be the world's dumbest liar. She MIGHT have another history test. She should've made up a new topic for the test, fed it to the sitter, and BOOM, she'd have gotten away with it. You're welcome, kids.
Anyway, Teddy storms over to Deacon's -- where Maddie has just beamingly called him "Dad" and he ate it up like a frosted lovecake -- and yanks her out of there and hisses that she is SO GROUNDED and can't go to the live-stream show, where Deacon is playing with Luke and Will. Everyone is miserable and hates each other, which is usually what happens when Teddy is in a room.
Tabletville
I'm confused. This prop story refers to Rayna's single as "This Time," as does the almighty Internet; I thought she'd referred to it in the past as "Sweet Side," or am I just confused and mixing alliterative lyrics? Has Nashville broken me? I will, however, take this time to point out that you can buy a bunch of this stuff, episode-by-episode, on the show's Web site, which is MOSTLY useful. Only one of Gunnar/Zoey/Avery's performances is for sale, and not the one I want the most (and neither is Will singing Gunnar's sad song), BUT you can buy the one they did with Deacon, which: yay.
Emptyville
At Juliette's Seattle show, they're closing off half the arena and all the top seats, because nobody is coming, because somehow even all the way in Seattle everyone's all Hellfire Judgeypants about her. PEOPLE. MILEY CYRUS is selling out arenas. Juliette Barnes would be doing JUST FINE. I don't believe any of this. I call shenanigans on all you people. But, in the show's universe, maybe Miley doesn't exist. Perhaps Juliette should've gone on Frasier Crane's radio show to defend herself. Like Frasier, she ALSO doesn't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs, and yes, they're calling again.
Meganville
Megan sits around in this terrible unflattering camisole while Deacon rants about Teddy. Megan walks over and tells him to focus on the positive, and he says right in her face, "Yeah! Screw Teddy!" and hugs Megan, and her face is all, "Do you mean it? 'Cause I can already cross that one off my list."
Sparkleville
Juliette struts out for her show, in a relatively intimate atmosphere given that it's an arena, in a dress that looks like a dog-chewed Christmas garland. Her fans seem to love her performance and she thanks them for their loyalty, but then darkens when she finds out that Avery didn't watch any of it because he was backstage working on Scarlett's album, which is the job he is there to do, which chafes all her jealous blisters. Child, he essentially dumped Scarlett FOR you, and as jacked up as your hair sometimes is, Scarlett's is worse. It's going to be okay.
Denialville
Oliver Hudson flat-out asks Will if there is any Deep Dark Reason why he's engaged to Layla all of a sudden, and Will insists it's simply the most urgent expression of his irrepressible passion for her. Oliver Hudson does not point out that this is impossible because they have all the chemistry of toenails and ice cream.
Jealousville
Juliette is pissy about them working together instead of gazing upon her tinsel-bedecked form, and later screeches at Scarlett to pep up her set and stop pitching maudlin ballads because nobody is reviewing their shows AT ALL and they need to work this thing, and Scarlett's drippy brand of high-pitched feelings isn't going to cut it. I tend to agree, actually; I'm not sure having an opening act who is a total downer is that great of an idea, but since Rayna has no other artists... seriously, what more does Gunnar have to do? It's like the world Rayna lives in mutes several substantial elements, including the fact that her current boyfriend's songwriter is super talented and has (or had, or has had) a band with a cute girl and the producer she just hired -- a band which has played with her ex-guitarist, the father of her oldest child, and her long-time friend and sometime love. They would be a MUCH better opener for Juliette. Throw money at THAT.
Fightville
So, Will comes home with the extremely subtly named Jekyll Island beer, because of course he is a man with two sides (who is "hyde"-ing his true self, if you will, AND I WILL, Will). And Gunnar yells at him for proposing to Layla, because all he does anymore is scold Will for the way he handles his problems -- although I do applaud him trying to be the Get-A-Grip Friend, because Will doesn't have one, and needs one. But Gunnar isn't that good at it, so no grips are acquired.
Weepville
Layla and her virginal blazer tells Will that her parents will disown her if they get married, and that maybe they're right, and he should meet them... and Will responds by telling her that instead, they should elope that night, and poor dumb Layla goes, "You always know just what to do!" The problem here is that for the first half of the season Layla was cunning and savvy and heavily flirtatious and seductive with Will, and now suddenly she's a lovestruck naif. The math isn't there. SHOW YOUR WORK, is what I would write on the test.
Coltville
This is Luke Wheeler's son Colt. He is a sixteen-year old music snob who only likes chill beats, social media, Shaun White hoodies and denim, and pictures of cats who think they're people. Naturally, Maddie wins him over by doing a song to a hand-clap routine she and Daphne were practicing, and like everything else the Stellas perform, it's fantastic -- very "Cups" from Pitch Perfect. He loves it and puts it on the Internet, which infuriates Luke and Rayna because she had wanted to keep her kids off social media so they don't get scrutinized to death. They all bond over how parents just don't understand, because they're the fresh princes of Belle Meade.
Taffetaville
Scarlett is so freaked out by Juliette's warning to her about Perking Up that she pops a pill, and then goes on-stage and tells everyone that Juliette told her to make a lot of noise, but "I'm the kind of artist who whispers." And then she plays the sleepy new song that she and Avery just wrote, and seriously, her entire album is aural narcolepsy, from what we've heard. It's not a BAD song, per se, but it lacks any of the grit, heart, and yearning of her stuff with Gunnar, and her voice really needs a bass counterpart to avoid being too saccharine. Juliette, of course, is enraged, but for some reason the crowd is totally stoked by all this and so her hamster grudgingly hops back on the wheel and takes a jog.
Familyville
I enjoy that this EVENT STAFF extra gets to be in the warm familial cluster of Rayna's nearest and dearest, and the woman who has slept with one of her dearest (Deacon) and one of her nearest (Teddy). Speaking of T-bag, he shows up and pitches a fit because Rayna wants to let Maddie stay to watch Deacon and Luke sing, and Daphne WILL get to stay because she isn't grounded, and yada yada yada there is a scuffle, before Teddy stomps back in the green room to cut off his nose.
Dopeville
Luke actually does the dumb Blake Shelton finger thing over Will's head while he's playing, like, "CHECK OUT THE SEX PIPES ON THIS HERE FELLA."
Suspicionville
Oliver Hudson thinks he HAS seen Will's sex pipes, and that they lead to the men's bathroom. He asks Gunnar for the straight scoop, and -- realizing that Oliver is a total homophobe in the sense that he's afraid a gay cowboy won't sell records -- Gunnar says that he lives with Will and the guy "gets more tail than a rabbit," or something equally folksy and out of character for G.
Squabbleville
Rayna finds out from Luke -- who heard it from Colt -- that Maddie has posted a video online as "Maddie Claybourne," which of course blows THAT secret wide open, even though I'd forgotten nobody knew it. She begs Maddie to take it down and keep it a personal truth, and after some shrieking that NOBODY UNDERSTANDS HER or something equally bratty, Maddie sees reason (that being, that the Internet is not your clothes hamper, so dirty laundry, please step aside) and agrees to take it down before any actual damage is done.
Strapville
I'd like to point out that Deacon's guitar strap is one of my favorite costuming touches of this show. It makes perfect sense that he'd have a well-worn brown leather strap with his name on it. It just... it just WORKS, and if this show gets cancelled, I love the idea that Chip Esten will have it on his wall forever. Anyway, Deacon and Will and Luke have a blast up there, but Luke freezes Deacon out later, and it's because he just found out about Maddie. So Deacon's mind is as rumpled as his weekend jeans...
Bustedville
... and then he walks in on Megan and Teddy fighting about their illicit one night love affair, and overheard Megan spitting that it was a mistake, so he throws Teddy against a wall. As you do. I used to think LIFE was unfairly hurling Teddy at metaphorical cinderblock walls, but now it turns out they're real, and it's deserved.
Sassville
Juliette confronts Crapunzel over there about her set list, and Scarlett is mad high, so she tells Juliette she'd LOVE it if J would fire her because she loves the hour she's on-stage and is miserable for the other 23 in the day. Juliette thoughtfully points out that she'll never fire her, and that in fact Scarlett's twitchy good-girl-with-a-raw-nerve open-wound act is going to be her moneymaker, and that the two of them should discuss a NEW approach to making their tour cook. I like that Juliette is allowed to be smart enough to see business sense here, and I hope whatever her idea turns out to be is a good one, because I like it when she gets out of her own way and finds success.
Spatville
Luke is more cheesed than a plate of Edam that Rayna didn't tell him about Maddie. She says she's barely talked about it to anyone, and says she hopes Luke is her future. He sits up and tells her he's pretty sure he can get over it -- well, thanks, bro -- but that he needs a few days, and she should use them to go settle things within her family. Rayna's all, "I GUESS," which is attentive of her.
WTFville
Okay. What is going on with her hair? I don't understand the ups and downs of her head-suit. Sometimes it looks natural and great, like the last few weeks, and then suddenly she looks like an SNL skit. That is the wiggiest wig that ever wigged. And it would be AWESOME if she just yanked it off mid-scene, because otherwise I have no idea why the biggest scandal in all of Nashville is the multiple personality disorder that is happening on her head. Seriously, she looks like different people.
Anyway, I do like where the scene is headed, besides Back To The Room For Makeup Sex: Juliette tells Avery that she knows they were doing bonding shots with Scarlett, but that Scarlett also seemed high to her. Avery goes, "Naaaw," and Juliette shrugs that something about Scarlett's behavior reminded her of Mama Barnes. I will really enjoy it, sincerely, if JULIETTE is the one who saves Scarlett from herself. THAT dovetailing of story threads actually makes good sense. She's the only one who'd have a clear-eyed view of Scarlett, and she has the experience with drug addiction. Might I be issuing a hearty well played to the show for this? Time will tell.
Weddingville
Will and Layla get hitched and apparently invited the paparazzi to be the wedding photographers. Gunnar shows up at the last second and tells Will that he lied for him to Oliver Hudson, and then stands outside the church looking for all the world like a jealous boyfriend. I HONESTLY thought Oliver Hudson was going to ask if Gunnar and Will were Secret Lovers, and if i were a paparazzo, I'd be taking photos that included the downtrodden cute dude in the fringes looking like every happy kiss made him want to barf, because it LOOKS lovelorn.
Angerville
And finally, Megan goes back to Deacon's place, where he is packing a bag. As if he is moving out. I think he's just throwing a strop, though. He's ENRAGED at her and she begs him to think about Maddie, and his album, and how hard he's fought, before he throws it all away again. Deacon snarls, "Nice closing argument, counselor," but he's done being saved; he stalks out the door. I hope it's a misdirect and he's not falling off the wagon again (will it be here, every season, right on cue?), but in fact that he will pull his shit together for Maddie. I do suspect this will take Rayna away from Mr. Luke Wheeler for a little while, and I can only hope it's to sex Deacon back to health, because they WERE awfully cute together and Ragey Deacon hurts me in tender places.