Weepville
Juliette is super grossed out that she let Oliver Hudson slobber all over her with various body parts, so as she sobs hysterically, she tries to scrub off the filth. It's the next morning, though, so I don't know how long she's been at it. Or why she waited that long. Maybe it's a Lady Macbeth thing and she's been in the shower every 15 minutes.
Contrivanceville
Rayna is trying to woo radio execs who don't approve of her association with Juliette. SNORE. She's even wearing an overly self-important suit jacket. But alas, the meeting is cut short because the show wanted to do an episode with Michelle Obama and the troops and whatnot, so SUDDENLY, Luke Wheeler was in Afghanistan and his convoy went boom and his Jeep rolled, so Rayna's upset. As one would be. I actually think the idea of this episode is nice, though. But they should've done it at the midpoint. It feels too much like story filler for the season's penultimate outing, and any stakes they try to ascribe to it don't ever feel real. For starters, Luke Wheeler was NEVER going to come home anything but slightly banged up, so the whole OMG IS HE OKAY WHAAAAAAAT stuff they tried to pull in the cold open just made me aggravated.
Fineville
Scarlett is TOTALLY FINE NOW Y'ALL. She's back to plaid and braids and her diary, and the only problem she's having in her life is what to do with it. That was the easiest road to recovery from addiction EVER.
Jacketville
Rayna leaves the kids with Teddy so she can fly off to Luke's bruised side, and she puts on a REALLY GREAT leather jacket to do it. Maddie decides she'd rather do a slumber party at Deacon's, though, because she's human, and if you were fourteen or 24 or 34 or 44 or even higher up, wouldn't YOU? Cool Sad Dude vs. Bored Sad Dude is not really a fair fight.
Awkville
Juliette's hair looks mildly less wiggy now than it did last week, so I guess all that showering helped. Avery comes in and tells her he stayed there all night waiting for her (then why are they only bumping into each other now?) and turns into the caricature of the Perfect Boyfriend just so that the guilt trip she goes on is epic. He apologizes for doting on Scarlett and forgetting to think about how that might feel to Juliette, and she can barely stop herself from throwing up into his mouth because she knows she screwed up.
Realityville
Ugh, this plot. They set up cameras in the house Will and Gunnar share, so they can film Will and Layla being newlyweds. Their instructions are to "be themselves" and just do what they'd normally do, so of course Will decides to kick this off with an awkwardly staged serenade to Layla, and the producer is like ,'TOLD YOU. This couple is a GOLDMINE." Here's the thing: They're totally not. It's why boring people make up storylines for their terrible reality shows, like that ad I saw for Maria Menounos's show where she pretends she's trying to hire a sperm whisperer for her husband, or something. The truth of TV is that people rarely want to see bliss. It's why 99 percent of the Real Housewives of Wherever all seem like AWFUL PEOPLE or why Planet Kardashia exists.
Ragamuffinville
So I guess all her good hair products were property of Highway 65.
Sexville
SEE WHAT I MEAN about Oliver Hudson? He is in the middle of giving Glenn a once-over that screams, "Yeah, I'd do you, and you'd LOVE IT." Suddenly I find him delightful and hilarious on this show, and it's all down to that Hate Sex vibe. The ACTUAL plot of the scene is that Juliette is interviewing new songwriters and Oliver stopped by to tell her that he wants her back... at Edgehill, not in his pants, although he'd accept that as well, ALTHOUGH I think he's only saying that because he enjoys that it makes her entire face turn barfy.
Also, Oliver came in while Juliette was meeting Gunnar -- who is freaking out because he knows J cheated on Avery with Oliver -- and there's a moment where Juliette clears the room for her and Oliver by saying, "Give us two secs," and I could SWEAR Sam Palladio acted a quick double-take on that, which makes sense when you say it out loud.
Stiltedville
Next, they're faking Luke carrying a white-clad Layla over the threshold, and kissing her, and they've done it twelve times and apparently the kiss is really flat. The producer calls cut and tells them to go in the bedroom and do whatever they need to do to get super hot, and Layla is like, "WHEEEE, OKAY," as if that's not kind of a creepy suggestion. But Will freaks out and calls off the shoot, because he, of course, knows that the reason it looks so bad is that his snake is not charmed by her instrument.
Pricklyville
Since Luke can't do his concert in Afghanistan, they decide to simulcast it from Nashville, at Rayna's urging. But she puts Juliette on the bill, and Luke decides he's not cool with that, because she's a GOD-HATING HOOOOR, or somesuch. Which feels really out of character for a guy who's been cool with basically everything, ever. It might be part of Luke's other issue, which is that he thinks Rayna is just using this concert for PR for her label. Rayna is aghast at this implication, to which I say: GIRL PLEASE. Of course you are. And, GIRL PLEASE II: Luke, she can love the troops in a genuine way and still be smart enough to realize this is good for her. It doesn't make her a bad person; it makes her a good businessperson.
Confessionville
Deacon's whole story in this episode is that as he bonds with Maddie, he realizes how much he missed -- keyed by when she asks where he was when she was born, and he has no idea, so he lies that he was on the road. I love Deacon DEEPLY and DEARLY but this was hella dull, even though Chip Esten was excellent in all his scenes. He is a gift. And GUESS WHAT: We get another 22 episodes to unwrap it.
Lustville
A trainer approaches Will at the gym and hits on him vis a vis "correcting his form," because of course Will was trying to choke down his hormones by weight-lifting. He gives Will his business card and Will crumples it up... but puts it in his pocket. I am wondering if it will turn out the reality show figured out the deal and is setting him up to get caught. CERTAINLY the whole point of the reality plotline is to blow that open, right? NO PUN INTENDED.
SECRETSville
Gunnar had Zoey that he saw Juliette and Oliver Hudson, and she concluded he should tell Avery -- which she then makes happen when Avery tries to Girl Talk her about it. When he gets to it, though, she bursts in and announces she's just been hired to sing backup on Juliette's tour, so now she DOESN'T want Gunnar to tell Avery, because of The Selfish.
Zzzville
I don't hate Rayna and Luke, but they're both too perfect. He has realized that Juliette has hidden depths -- he overheard her talking about her father, who was killed during military service when she was a kid -- and apologizes for being an ass, and writes it all off to how when his life flashed before his eyes, Rayna was part of it. And he's scared she's not All In. Rayna, of course, says she IS All In, because she might be a serial monogamist.
Cuteville
Maddie has been hanging out with Deacon, so at the concert, she's standing next to him backstage. Daphne is in the stands with Teddy, and there's a really sweet moment where she asks Teddy sadly if it's always going to be split up that way now. He promises they will always be the Conrad sisters, and she gives him this great little hug. The Stellas are ALSO a gift. Honestly, if this show hadn't been picked up, I would have demanded periodic reunion concerts just to sate me. Because ABC's financial and programming decisions are all about me.
Obamaville
And now, the entire reason for this episode: MIchelle Obama comes on the screen and gives a speech about how much they all love the military, and seriously, it wasn't even an in-person cameo -- was it REALLY worth sculpting a fairly average hour of TV around it? But she said lovely things, and Rayna and her scarves was very respectful of Michelle and did not try and overshadow her with any great blouses.
Frozenville
This is a tender portrait of marital intimacy.
Will can't handle the cameras that are all over his house, which Layla says are not even on because the crew isn't there (which also is probably a lie, right? SHE might not know it, but come on). He freaks out and starts smashing them and then locks himself in the bathroom, which is the Caged Beast version of that scene from earlier in the season where he ran screaming up a hill, which was my favorite ridiculous and over-acted moment of the entire damn year. And it will not surprise you that Will, once in the bathroom, fishes out the trainer's business card and schedules a "private session." Dude, Layla was JUST standing outside the door. How do you know she walked away?
Extraville
I just wanted you to see this AMAZING extra. Seriously, I legit thought it was going to turn out to be Billy Ray Cyrus. Maybe it secretly WAS.
Coverville
Okay, last week we had the cover for an album of smoky duets. This is the cover for their album of breakup ballads.
I love you deeply, Deacon, but this was sort of annoying: He decides to go around to Rayna and Teddy IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CONCERT to tell them mushy things. Rayna's like, "Let's talk later," and Deacon is all, "No, this is the right time." IS IT. IS IT REALLY. He does tell her that he's sorry he's been waiting for her apology about hiding Maddie, because she shouldn't apologize, because it was the right choice and Deacon wasn't any kind of a man back then. Aw. It's very gallant of him, but seriously, pick your moments. The entire crowd can see you.
He asks Teddy to tell him about the night of Maddie's birth, and says a lot of schmoopy things about that, so I guess they're okay, too. I had this strange moment where I wondered if they were preparing us for Teddy to be hit by a bus. It's all about him and Daphne being sweet, and Deacon praising him, and Teddy generally being cool and understanding... Granted, they probably killed enough people this season, but if they're thinking of season three as a chance to shed weight and reboot, killing Teddy isn't the WORST idea. Although then I guess everyone has to be sad for a while, and he IS an awfully convenient babysitter.
And someone in the comments reminded me that this is another example of how Rayna Is Always Right, which is total B.S. because Deacon was sober for a really long time before the secret came out and his whitewashing of her lies here is really insane.
Byeville
Zoey and Scarlett hang out, and Scarlett is excited for Zoey, and at odds with herself about what to do. She's been taking shifts at the BlueBird, where her customers all recognized her, and she didn't love that. So she's decided... drum roll... to leave Nashville. And I have to say, as much as Clare Bowen seems like a nice person in real life, I think this might be a fine idea. Scarlett may have run her course on this show, unless they have a REALLY killer idea for the finale. She's already been The Little Waitress That Could. She's already been The Little Country Star That Couldn't. She even dabbled in drugs. I'm not sure what's left. I don't want to go around those tracks again.
Grrville
Juliette sings "Don't Put Dirt On My Grave Just Yet" with Luke Wheeler, which is fun. And then Oliver Hudson pops up to say that if she doesn't hop over to Edgehill, it'd be a mighty shame if Avery found out about their sex romp in the closet. Oh, Juliette, just tell him. It's going to come out anyway. I AM SO MAD AT YOU, ALSO.
OH OH AND ALSO: The same commenter reminded me that "Don't Put Dirt On My Grave Just Yet" seems like a really, really strange song to sing to A BUNCH OF MILITARY PEOPLE WHO PUT THEIR LIVES ON THE LINE EVERY WEEK. I know the song itself is about perseverance and bravery and things that all apply to being in the military, but... I don't know, maybe let's relax with the death imagery with these folks?
Familyville
And then Rayna and her kids get up to sing "A Life That's Good," which I actually love, because it's perfect for Lennon Stella's voice. And Maddie asks if they can bring in Deacon, and they do, and Luke Wheeler gives this a Thoughtful Face, and the One And Only Genuine Original Family Band plays us out with this lovely ballad dedicated to the troops and it IS sort of a nice moment, but man, this is your PENULTIMATE EPISODE, guys, and you're not setting the table for very much that I care about. Juliette, yes, although I am dreading that; Luke and Rayna, not really. Deacon and Rayna, maybe? Scarlett leaving town? Don't care one way or the other. Will imploding? Sure, I guess. I don't know. This just felt like an hour of very quietly tugged story threads. I want my shit TAUT, YOU GUYS. BRING IT THIS WEEK.